Gentlemen; how do we increase our profit margin?

Motherfucking zombie sharks. What else would make money?

Did some one call for me?

Is this the new guy?

Hunters.
With tits.

Can we try not destroying the world

Check it, what if we take scorpions, turn them into zombies, and make them fly?

Capture Jill Valentine again

Let's test these new bioweapons in our new lab in the city sewers. The safety precautions aren't installed yet, but we've got one researcher working on it day and night and he's sure to not make a mistake.

Sexual enhancement parasites, there is a small side effect of nipplecunts and horsedicks but nothing major

Outsource everything to Africa.

How does that make us money?

Our R&D department is tirelessly injecting all manner of beasts with our viruses boss, what more can we do?

But then, how will they know that we are serious?

We test bioweapons on websites for Chinese cartoons.

Make more Nemeses

You know what Greg, we need you to recover something from the Spencer Estate.

Why don't we do it in reverse? Inject the beasts into the virsus.

More Fingers

Contract our customer support and PR to India.

We don't have customer support you dipshit.

WHO THE FUCK LET THE INTERN IN HERE.

Add more letters to our virus catalog.

Nobody is scared of fingers. We need more eyes. Eyes on shoulders and shit.

Get a load of this idealist.

STAAARRSS

Ironically the first aid sprays you find in-game are actually made by Umbrella, so they did in fact produce real medicine.

I think we can really expand our output if we expand beyond the English alphabet. I suggest Cyrillic next.

More waifus

Hey guys. why don't we sell our products to rogue states?

You need more boss enemies, a wesker storyline where you play the entire game as wesker, before and after the t-virus, with abilities. The latter part transitions into devil may cry style gameplay.

Blame everything on trump

capture the president's daughter for ballistics experimentation

...

We can bribe some more city officials and fuck with that dude that breaks rocks with his hands, that worked out really well the FIRST FUCKING TIME.

NO
WE MAKE THE FINGERS COME OUT OF THE EYES

Return to good, believable story & cut out the superhero hollywood shit. RE2 was one of the best games of all time because its story is believable.

Д virus

R&D has been having some good ideas, but I haven't been able to check them for myself since we installed the new block puzzle to acess it.

>play the entire game as Wesker,

But that would really take away a lot of his mystique.

Plus, he's OP as fuck so what's the point?

Seriously guys I think we should change up our R&D focus. Move from viruses that produce indiscriminate killing machines to products that can improve people's lives. People that are alive can give us more money overall

The "cheeki breeki" virus

COMPLETE

GLOBAL

VACCINATION

With eyes on the finger tips that have more fingers.

That's fucking stupid. Bioweapons is the way to go.

This isn't Pfizer faggot, keep injecting the G-Virus into those mice and see what happens.

Guys what if instead of a virus we invested in nanomachines

Too many of our classified research documents are being confiscated by those pesky police officers and special agents always poking around our labs, revealing our highly lucrative discoveries to our competitors.

From this point forward, no research data is to be collected. Schematics and formulae will only exist mentally, and all analyst positions will be terminated.

>umbrella keeps making horrible murderous abominations of science
>instead of ultra-sexy killing machines
can I talk to whoever's in charge here

You're thinking small time colleague. Nanomachine viruses

>he doesn't think hunters are sexy
this website is not for faggots.

And have T-virus monster impregnate her

6spoop9ydoopy

Last time we tried that everyone turned into chronenbergs

We could replace the few security systems we have with more puzzles.

They do it in Project X Zone 2, the RE cast makes fun of the villains for using a incredibly outdated BOW and start getting pissed when they mass produce it

Then let's make one and model it after Comcast.

We fill a huge mansion with puzzles and make a lab under it

Okay guys, let's start a low cost but high volume line of literal umbrellas.

>instead of ultra-sexy killing machines
But we already made those.

>not wanting this tongue on your dick
What a fag.

Two words: Vampire Zombies

This guy gets it.

>Employees keep throwing their backs out moving statues all over the fucking place.
>Give them pain 'meds'.
>Free test subjects AND solid security.

Brilliant.

LETS MAKE THIS ENEMY CALLED A HUNTER THAT CAN 1 SHOT PEOPLE AND HAVE INVINCIBILTY FRAMES WHILE THERE JUMPING SO THAT PEOPLE WASTE THEIR BULLETS?

When the umbrellas make contact with water do they produce a highly contagious virus that turns everyone around into monsters?

Guys, what if we make a giant troll, and then tentacles pop out of its back, and it shits out scorpions with tentacle stingers? Russia wont be able to buy enough!

Why don't we make the vaccine before releasing the virus?

hey guys can we try making pharmaceutical that are super addictive and super cheap to make ?

if we do this and jack up the price we'll make millions

Then what happens when someone steals the vaccine?

Nah man doing it the other way is a good motivator to get the vaccine done. Time efficiency is key in business

Make crates that can hold pocket dimensions so you can put one item in one room and take out the same item in another!

Lets build a mansion lab within walking distance of our other mansion lab
This lab should be primarily accessible by a train that requires two people standing on opposite ends of the train to activate the brakes.
Once the staff leave the train, they have to wade through some knee deep raw sewage

We don't hire bads, what are you doing in here?

Let's send a tactical unit composed of two of our dumbest operators too, just in case things go awry.

...ya know what, fine. If that's what it takes for this company to actually SELL SOMETHING for once, slather it with whatever you can get your hands on, for all I care.

More shoulder eyeballs

Wait would the nanomachines be viruses or the nanomachines have viruses

It's a "what if game was a cuhhrayyzee character action game" episode

End this plebian meme. He's also not infected with t-virus, but a unique strain of the progenitor virus iirc.

T-Virus was a mistake.

Exactly.

GIANT SNEK

More parasites, I found this weird black inky stuff that turns into a skin tight suit

What

You're right, the g-virus was better. It had more eyeballs.

...

I like this guy's idea!

Buuuut, I say we make it so that the pharmaceuticals also turn people into bioweapons. Thats the cherry on the cake.

Hey guys, why don't we make impossible methods of getting in and out of rooms like puzzles involving statues that weight a ton

I know. We make a lot of clones of a japanese girl and sell them as sex toys to the americans.

Sorry, but it looks like some other company beat us to it

We do both. We create nanomachines that are both viruses and contain them.

Would the Japanese girls themselves be the bioweapons or would they turn the Americans into them?

When the trial subjects for Xanax finished the trails, they all fucking knew it was going to make BILLIONS so they all bought stock in the company and all became millionaires.

That's a waste of time that could be used to make more viruses.

Go on...

...

Sure, but does Xanax create bioweapons? I don't think so.

They are bioweapons that can sell more bioweapons.

>tfw you need to take a piss but the guy with the emblem that opens the bathroom is two floors down and behind the See-No-Evil Monkey Key door.

I fucking hate this company.

You can go faster if you just find the two rubies and open the hidden door.

>not using your piss as an ingredient for your research

Okay guys how about this
A biovirus that infects OTHER VIRUSES

more like the perfect medicine. Can fully recover from even the most fatal wounds

But it lowers your rank. You don't want that, do you?

...

Make creatures that suck dicks.

Guys I went to the medical room earlier because my back feels itchy but the doctor told me not to worry about it, it's nothing right?.

Other doctor here, don't worry about it.

We did.
It's called your mom.

Clothing design, the clothes are PARASITES

t. Rainbow hair Tailor

...

Get even more psychos to work in Umbrella

what if we inject FALCONS with viruses

Kill our customers!

That always works according to Hollywood.

What was the most successful of of Umbrella's actual bioweapon projects?

bioweapons that go out and buy more of our products ?

Make this madman the CEo

but if we kill them, they win!

Can we make those with boobs and vaginas?

Probably Hunters.

The Sex Toys are actually Bio Weapons that turn whoever has sex with them into little japanese schoolgirls as well.

Create a health suppliment that is infected with some sickness that we can cure, except it makes whoever eats it a carrier so it never gets traced back to us.

Sweet, sweet government money.

I never played Resident Evil. Why is the Umbrella Corporation choosing to make zombies and viruses that make monsters again? Like, what do they gain. There's no way they can be making money off of this if the human race is destroyed. And what the fuck is Wesker?

Actual girls are traps?

Well it does create zombies and junkies.

Like how crack wreks all niggers neighborhoods and cities.

Inject Chris Redfield with G-virus and make him punch mountains.

WHY THE FUCK DO WE HAVE A PIANO LOCK I CAN'T PLAY FOR SHIT

I think you mean girls are actual traps.

God, why do we even hire plebs like you?

>not the giant snakes

Ha ha, I bet this loser doesn't even know how to mix V-JOLT, either.

Giant spider snakes!

youtube.com/watch?v=yfn4sMakZFU

Giant zoo...with giant wall to lock people inside

Has science gone too far or not far enough?

HOL UP NIGGA
HOL UP

This guy knows. We need more mountains

What if we just start making plain ol regular guns?
Guns kill lots of people and can be seen as an epidemic.

We could put the nanomachine viruses into bullets.

Has anyone else found the key to basement floor 4? My supervisor needed me to get there last Thursday, but ever since we switched over to the Gem system myself and no one else can get into the storage closet where they left the key. Anyone know where the fucking emerald is? I'm getting really tired of telling my boss I've been checking on it while I'm really just jerking it in the office bathrooms

I think one of the experiments saw me through the vents last time

Was it Lisa? I bet it was Lisa.

There's something hiding in the vents? Oh god, oh shit, I knew working HVAC here was a bad idea.

Umbrella sucks at making bioweapons, the viruses the create are never supposed to do half the things that they end up doing in the games. For example, the original t-virus was just meant to create a programmable killing machine monster known as the Tyrant so that they could presumably sell it to benefactors in war-torn countries and the like. But lo and behold, the t-virus strain was only compatible with like 1% or less of the general population so everybody else that was exposed to it became zombies rather than tyrants and it caused an outbreak.

Wesker is a genetic prodigy who was treated with a special Progenitor strain (the grandaddy virus from which the others are derived) and after being "killed" by the Tyrant he released in Resident Evil 1, the virus rearranged his organs/genetic makeup and gave him super powers.

No one will need guns when we can dodge bullets!!!

You ARE saving your spank juice to use as research material, right?

I can't be the only one doing that.

Easily. However, due to design constraints the boobs and vaginas will go on the knees and shoulders repectively.

make nemesis tell jokes

Why don't we make the mouth a vagina so the tongue pulls the dick into it. with boobs on the tongue.

Why don't we go back to selling umbrellas?

Too conventional.

They already got complete saturation in Africa with that one, it's called HIV.

Has anyone else seen a chinese woman sneaking around the lab? I don't think she's an employee.

They are just mass production rejects. It's cute because they believe they are people.

I thought we did that.

>Plus, he's OP as fuck

He wasn't always, and a game transitioning from classical survival horror into all out cuhrayzee gameplay would be cool

What if we made it so the zombies could turn invisible?

MORE CRANK PUZZLES

they increase productivity, and the employee exercise saves on future health claims

GUYS
TELEKINETIC POWERS

Burn all paper, no white witnesses.

>incredibly outdated

Didn't Jill have to kill the Nemesis like 4 times before it stayed dead?

>Alfred is walking around the island dressed up as his sister again

Who the fuck is leaving all those plantpots everywhere?

R&D just came up with something new. It seems promising.

Either him or his sister came onto me and told me to meet them tonight at midnight

Should I go through with it?
Alexia's a fuckin qt

I saw this QT playing the piano earlier. I was going to talk to her but this hueg guy suddenly appeared and they seemed to be friendly to each other.
FUCKING CHAD S.T.A.R.S ALWAYS GETTING THE CUTE ONES I HOPE NEMESIS RIPS YOU A NEW ASSHOLE REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Drop powered Zika virus on Brazil.
Sell them our anti-mosquito mosquito.
...
Profit.

>FUCKING CHAD S.T.A.R.S ALWAYS GETTING THE CUTE ONES

this is the exact reason I went overbudget and gave Nemesis a rocket launcher :^)

Those guys in product development we gained from our merger really seem to get the spirit of this company.

Outsource the puzzle division to India

>They think figuring out a toilet is the highest tier of brain teasers
>Every puzzle is to poo in the loo.
>STARS members shitting their way through the mystery where a shocked Wesker is impressed at their skills.

>the original DMC was originally an RE game
we're coming full circle

We didn't?

I can't keep up with the fucking meetings anymore, everything's about wasting the budget on mansions and breeding dogs that love to jump through windows these days

HOLY SHIT UMBRELLA JUST DECLARED BANKRUPTCY

I was cleaning up the computer lab and saw alexia in a tube. Nah me boyo that is definitely alfred hitting on you, might as well since the others refused and are now in prison.

We sell sandwiches made of Jill.

Holy fucking shit, the shenanigans that would be produced by Science Team and Umbrella working together would be unreal.

GIANT
MUTATED
BUGS
N
SHIET

uhhh
Didn't you get the Tricell memo?

I hope you weren't dumb enough to stick around in Raccoon City lol
Get the fuck out now if you're still there, it's time to grab combat data

Impregnate our tween daughters!

I wish there was more RE girl scat.

can we transfer him out of here? His fetish is literal shit and making my skin itch.

Can we leave the answer on an obvious paper next to the office? Terry keeps getting locked out of the labs like a fucking retard and I'm not carrying slabs and medals anymore.

I thought we fired you. Why aren't you in the sewer basement at the Spencer estate with your weird pulsating humpback? Go back to doing that before I call security

>making my skin itch
Can I interest you in a new position as a kennel master?

You'll make ten times what you do now, and you even get your own private room in the mansion!

That idea is old news.

I suggest the bottomless suitcase make a comeback. It's stylish and effective, and it even has the decency to stop time so you can rotate that golden egg collection just right uninterrupted.

Why did we ever discontinue this shit?

>being this entitled

How about you leave, and stop scratching yourself, asshole. All that flaking skin is disgusting.

You can't fire someone who has more seniority than you, bucko. Don't think I forgot to save those "case sensitive" files you have on the research teams' kids.

I got it. We make pills that actually increase dick size.

Didn't we already do that? I swear we had something like that, but they kept making your dick and half of your intestinal tract fall out.

I really really like that half of the reason Sadler captured the president's daughter was just to get ransom money.
What is he supposed to do with that money?

>Get ready for my extreme makeover!
>*unzips dick*

You Bastard, don't think this is over. I ain't gonna be dealing with your hour long "group meetings" that consist of you presenting a slideshow of your literal shit fetish for much longer. Hope you speak kikongo asshat

I don't do that, but please, keep digging yourself into a deeper hole with your projections. Meanwhile, I'll be drumming up a draft email of your "confession" for the high ups to see should they need to see it.

Get more money.

One of the interns found some blue gooey stuff bubbling out of a hole in the ground, I suggest we look into it further.

kill our customer base i.e. the whole human race

Rob tried something like that. Tried to make actual futa girls but every time we injected the test subjects with the virus, they just sprouted insect wings from their heads and spoke in some auto tune shit. Sent the failures to Japan with a tv crew and told them that a angry god was causing this outbreak. Dumb asses actually believed it

Drugs that make the female breast and ass larger than normal.

They would be actually legit larger, none of this fake, disgusting hard silicone shit.

How about a clitoris that works like a tongue and it would pull the dick directly to the vagina.

You know that one guy who wears the gas mask around here? Yeah, guess whose pretty tight with him? Answer: not you. Let's see how many steps you get out of your cubical ass face, then tell me what the higher ups have to say after you suddenly get injected with over 12 experimental fetish viruses that R&D have been cooking up after we got the internet back

>pump that shit with the entire alphabet of viruses
>then dump it in a vat of phazon and strap a bunch of weapons and a jetpack on to it

the "parkinson-A virus"

Sounds great, and once the breasts/ass get big enough, they explode, unleashing a swarm of parasites that infect any bystanders with viruses! I like the way you think, user, why didn't we do this sooner

Hey guys, I have an idea, why don't we make a biological agent that, get this, kills people. Just kills them, doesn't mutate them, does reanimate them, just stop them from breathing. We use a generational plug on symptoms to give it a time delay to spread across the populace.

Bam, no crazy monsters or unintended geonocides, just an efficient weapon that we can actually make a sale with.

>start cloning the giant spiders and hunters and shit

Hunk? I love that guy. Doesn't talk much, but plays a mean game of darts. In fact, we're set to cruise through the weapons R&D this Saturday. Told him about this new gun being made and the bloke almost looked like a giddy kid in a candy store.

>2004 was 12 years ago

Why we just send you in there and market your abiliy to fucking bore everybody to death?

You're fired, pack your belongings from your cubicle in the underground African tombs and meet Mr.Wesker in his office

Guys, what if we actually use our genetic modifying skills for something good for humanity for once and create something like cute genetically engineered catgirls for domestic ownership or other cute monster girls?

1 month after release they transform into a bioweapon with multiple eyes and tentacles and consume every living thing in a 200 meter radius.

Yes.

Alright, which of you cocksuckers keeps hiring four-eyed faggots with the voice of Crispin Freeman? First that French fag we shipped away to Japan because he thought they had vampires, then that other moron who tries to consort with the sister of one of our biggest enemies.

Seriously, get your shit together!

One month is too long.

I'm thinking 4 days, 13 hours.

Can they be fucked back into submission if one has the strength and stamina?

Ya almost lost me there for a second, but I'm on board now. However, 1 month seems a tad bit too long, let's make it an hour

>only 200m
Go big or go to africa.

Make it 553m

Cant we just skip the wait and the range limit and make a box with "cute monster girl inside" written on it that wipes out a whole continent?

One of the experiments cut me recently and all the medic gave me was something at looks like weed.
What the fuck do I do with this. Send help.

No, that would be boring.
More destruction doesn't = better.

More SUFFERING = better.

Do you have only the green stuff? You'll need some of the red and yellow if you want the best treatment. It'll even make you stronger.

Make more holes.

I see. Can we try to weaponize my ex wife then?

I was in Raccon city during the outbreak and i would rather go back there than spend a day with her again.

Stronger as in sprout more arms stronger?
Or just stronger?

Oh yeah, let's just have a box that says "Cute monster girls inside", it's not like one of our dumbasses is gonna open it. I ain't having another outbreak happen in our offices again. The last time that happened, the experimental A.I trapped some swat team and a random broad in there, and gave the broad telekenetic powers. We ain't having that shit again. We're gonna make the monster girls, but we're gonna be smart about it and make them in Africa so none of you dumb asses get any ideas

The only reason why Nemesis died was because they fucking nuked him, Nemesis is literally the best BOW to this date.
>inb4 Jill shot him with a magnum and there it died
I bet my ass he would have come back if you give him time

You can tank 3 bullets and a hack to the chest stronger.

Hey guys. The president knows our secrets, and he's threatening to reveal everything to the public! What do we do?!

You won't be running on walls or gaining cat eyes, but you'll be able to take more shots from bullets and hatchets.

Supposedly they even increase sexual prowess.

I can confirm that additional arms and other physical changes only appear after the ~50th full dose. But y the time i took the ~30th, i already could take multiple direct hits from a rocket launcher.

I believe the drug is too efficient, we need to increase the arms per dose ratio at least 25 fold.

Get someone to use another person to turn him into a zombie. Then have the first person turn that person's closest living relative into a sexy, gooey monster. After that, have that person use that virus that turns you into a dinosaur and a jaguar.

How about a giant dinosaur and jaguar that shoots bones out its face?

Why don't we make a virus that makes people itchy and tasty?

Turn him into a zombie lol
Also when can I come back from Africa? Everyone else around me is wearing tri-cel labcoats and I'm the only one still rocking umbrella. Did we merge with them or am I just at the wrong place?

Send his daughter to experimental village number 73, i want to see if the experiment "las plagas" increase libido and rape proweness by 1700% like the studies indicated.

I also wish all experiment recorded and sent to my house.

We go through with Simmons' convoluted plan that involves his very weird and unjustified obsession with Ada "Wong" and ruins, Europe, America, and China in the process

>He doesn't realize that Tri-cel is just a proxy company for more stupid Umbrella shit
Spotted the newbie. Let's haze him by lacing his drinks with mutagens.

>Can we try to weaponize my ex wife then?
Sounds Promising, send an email to Wesker with her details.

You name it. Hell, make it so they can even turn into a giant bug thing as well. Like those tri-changer transformer toys.

Wh-why don't we just hire an assassin? You know, with a gun, bullet, or poison?

Is the poison a virus?

FIRE
THIS
MAN

Can the assassin be a modified human with a bioweapon virus?

Make it do a light show or have some glowing orbs just in case we need a dance party.

I know the guy's in R&D love that shit.

No let's not. That's how "Code Veronica" spiraled out of hand. Just like all R&D's other "pranks"

You know, we go through a lot of keys and key cards. Why don't we nix those and just start using our wall decorations as keys? Hell we could even use some of Steves precious-rock collection.

Guys, what if we made magical girls to prevent the universe from falling into entropy, except...

Those magical girls are ticking time-bombs that become bio-weapons that other magical girls have to eventually destroy? Oh, and they get anything they want as a consolation, except it backfires completely?

So the firing the gun activates a poison virus that mutates the person who pulled the trigger.

And the bullet itself is also laced with a vitus that mutates the person shot as well.

Brilliant.

Does the assassin have the power to change his arm into a phallic advant garde symbol? Does his gun shoot bullets that can punch a pancake sized hole into people's chest? Will the poison turn the president into a monster who tries to rape and impregnate his daughter with the new masterrace?

Resistance is futile.

Hey guys, got locked in the washroom cause some idiot moved the statue that was keeping the door open. So what happened to wesker after he went to africa with his black spaghetti virus?

Who keeps letting these fucking things out of their cells? They won't shut the hell up about contracts and keeps asking me for my daughter's whereabouts. GET BACK IN YOUR CAGE YOU RODENT

hey guys

never played a Resident Evil game but this thread is genuinely funny

thanks for the laughs

So we can deflect it and blame the incident on "BIO TERRORISM" then sell more virus injections, as well as poorly made "Anti viral weapons" to the BSAA under and bother proxy companies name. My god, read your briefing packets for fucks sake

Tell me about it. At least those girls with the weird hair and tiny hat obsession were hot as hell even if they kept going on about contracts and being forced into solitude. Then they all disappeared and went to Italy or some shit.

How about a drug that makes you stupid smart, but if you dont maintain regular use you will transform into a domestic house cat

Me and a few of the special operations guys saw him get shot in the face with two rockets when we arrived as back up. We were gonna go help him, but he was kinda in lava. And shit shot in the face with two RPGs. After the bubbles stopped we just called it a day and went back to hosting GIANT BUG DEATHMATCH in his facility

You guys know your like super dead and fired when he recovers right?

How about we just continue making first aid sprays that cure everything from gaping wounds, missing limbs to cancer ?

>Umbrella is run by a bunch of jackasses who didn't even attend a year of college
>one guy uses his own piss and semen with his experimental viruses
>every plan is sabatoged by the thought of looking cool rather then being an effective plan
>newbie trapped in Africa because he misread orders
>R&D is filled with people who just want to make their fetish real

>recovers

Sure. And that other Wesker totally put her brain into that loli.

Whatever you say, friendo.

I had a dream that, umbrella had a secret military unit of stereotype special forces soilders. I think imma get to work on that

C'mon, Wesker can be a bit of a hard ass, but I'm pretty sure he'll be impressed to see that we were able to collect all the remaining reapers and have a GIANT BIG DEATHMATCH with only 2 deaths in the process

I fucking love this board

That...... actually is impressive just two?

There are two weskers now? First one was edgy as fuck with " muh sunglasses even if its nightime " who cloned him?

Where do i apply?

Three. Ol' Albert is dead. Alex is hiding out on some island chasing underaged girls. And Al's son is bumming around in who knows where.

No Wesker was.........intimately close with his sister. Don't ask if I'm being literal about that.

I think you know the answer

Yeah! I mean, a few of the other guys lost some fingers, and arms, hell, I lost my leg and most of my organs were spilling out of my gut, but I used that black spaghetti stuff to seal the wounds. Now I have a orange eyeball sticking out of my chest and a new leg. Kinda tickles

Guys, I think my girlfriend may be a literal mole who is selling company secrets so I'm just gonna name the lockdown password that. We good?

Wesker confirmed not actually dead, which suggests it was actually a clone that died.

Shit nigger the girl was STARS too

Well, make sure your password is at least 3 characters long, we don't want hackers getting in, okay?

>confirmed not dead

Ah shit I raided his room of all his leather clothes and sunglasses when need spread that he does in the volcano, so you think he knows?

>confirmed not dead

Just because you guys worshiped his faggoty Johnny Bravo ass doesn't mean you can lie like that.

>that STARS chick running around the zombie infested city with only a boob tube and miniskirt

>that one chicken who didn't even TRY to fight Nemesis before getting face-raped

How did these people manage to kill Tyrant, again?

Combine the t-Virus and the G-Virus. I'm sure there'll be no unusual side effects.

zombie park, nothing could possibly go wrong.

I'd rather play it safe and worship his was then find out he's alive and listening to us. You know he likes to show off the fact that he can ram his hand through people like they were playdough.

>the tumblr virus

We've gone too far, gentlemen.

Dammit, Morpheus. We know you're obsessed with beauty but, that doesn't mean we need a transgender Tyrant.

make clones of lisa and alexia
we need more of that

>viruses that produce indiscriminate killing machines

Wait, wait
What if
Just bare with me
What if
What if we made viruses that only killed fucking weeaboos

Bring your kid to work day was rough this year

Why boner???????

Imma mix all the viruses for giggles.

the t-virus is yesterdays virus, blase. i say we go in a drastically new direction, we go exactly one step beyond the t-virus and create... the U-virus. the level of faggotry from U could potentially create a biological weapon of unprecedented destruction

>Hunting down some skinhead and his Aryan girlfriend
>have daughter with me watching most of it on the sidelines
>skinhead pulls some Wesker shit and beat the shit out of nemesis 2.0 with his bare hands
>have to console my daughter
>she didn't get to see them die brutally
>day ruined

Fucking asshole

>he doesn't know

Who let the temp into our meeting?

Tom has been trying it for decades now. All it results is completelly useless stuff, like cure for cancer, immortality potion, elixer of beauty and other crap.

Has he been reprimanded? We need more tentacles and teeth.

We culd save moeny on the mercenrys we hire by putting bombb inside. ??? sory fell over and hed hurt

remember when tim from accounting injected himself with all the viruses to become the ultimate biological weapon? did he become a prick because it didn't work or was he always like that?

Nemesis, Hunters

Which one of you addholes thought it woild be funny to infect my dog ? Fuckin things head splits open when it gets hungry and shit eats like a horse

The doctor said the viruses nulled each other and he will never grow any tentacles nor extra eyes, teeth, arms... This gotta fuck with some people lifes.

probably Tim Addhole from accounting, i hear he's a prick

This guy gets it

...

hha fag i ate your dog. it was testey. mm

Telekinetic invisible zombies

They can bite from long range to spread the virus and no one will ever see them coming

I've been doing some thinking. What do we do once mankind has been either wiped out or mutated into bioweapons? How will we make more bioweapons? How will we get more shit to experiment with once the aforementioned mankind is gone?

I've done it boys. The P-virus. Inject it into your eyeball and your dick will grow 5 inches PLUS, IT TURNS ANYBODY YOU FUCK INTO A BIOWEAPON!

they have invisible eyes and tentacles?
please this is very important

Uh guys. I was checking on the report files from Africa, and Chris Redfield punched one of the infected and it fucking exploded. No it wasn't an explosive mutagen. He just, fucking, blew up.

Is Chris a bioweapon???

clones,we have Dick working on the project and it have been very successful

Wouldnt that just be giant centi or milipedes

Fuck.

Fool. Get this;

Giant zombie elephant.

The answer is within nature, we need to look into nature for our next projects.

Imagine for a moment.

We produce a flesh octopus but all of the legs are arms and the eyes are doors

we're gonna flowers for algernon this shit with a drug that makes you smart as fuck but requires frequent use, like really fucking frequent use or else it slowly mutates you into a bioweapon with arms for hands, and the frequency required to keep it up only increases over time, like within minutes so once the person buys it and uses it they empty out their bank account within the day

Even if you kill him on the first screen like a boss, he still comes back later in the game.

And I thought he died from getting dumped in acid or something and it broke him down on a cellular level.

They're harmless. Why would we make them?

Yes, can't you see that?

We must capitalize on the vaping sensation.

I say we get into COMPUTER viruses. What do you guys think?

We spread our next virus through special company manufactured keyboards that have microscopic syringes built into each key which poke through the center, and when the user presses each key they get injected with a little bit more of the strain until it becomes great enough in their system over time to start not only infecting them, but individually infecting each and every single one of their organs at a time, causing each one to grow, within the victim's body, into it's own mini bioweapon which eventually bursts out of the victim's skin. This way we get shitloads of bioweapons out of a single customer while also cornering the mechanical keyboard market. LED lighting will be used to cleverly hide the needlepoints. Efficiency's going to be through the roof on this one, I know it.

Guys, guys.
What if we make a virus, and then make a vaccine so people buy it.
But get this: the vaccine is actually another virus!

Next on the list here says we inject a pregnant giraffe with the g-virus and watch what happens

Since that experiment with the gorilla went so swimmingly, we should expect equally great results if not better seeing as this is a twofer. We weren't close to opening up the umbrella petting zoo before but if all goes well with this, we might just start setting up the enclosures.

Well we are missing a case of mutegen steroids, one of you assholes weren't hocking it for dosh again were you?

We mix the virus into cocaine.

What about a bomb that turns people into zombies

That wouldn't work. We need something more harmless and environmentally friendly, like a tank which drives over people and compresses them into zombie form under its immense weight.

I know this guy called Curien. He's got some ideas.

Why is it called a bioweapon if it only swings one way? Wouldn't our products be more effective if they lived up to their namesake?

So you're saying a Tyrant can be born gay?

since most of our employees are creatively bankrupt i would saaaaay: ... ZUMBIES, because no one gives a shit about ninjas anymore

Make the entrance to the main office a moving wall that can be only accesed by collecting 3 jewels hidden around the premises and insterting them into a nearby grandfather clock in proper order as described in a riddle on a plaque.
Or make some human-mosquito hybrids, I dunno.

Marketing says it wouldn't be viable, our focus groups show a clear preference towards old fashioned bio targeting viruses

I fucking love these puzzle jokes. They're the most nonsensical thing in the RE universe

Our medicinal products, such as the one-and-only first-aid spray, are making us money hand-over fist. Our Bio-Organic Weapons, however, are not, even though we're milking the militaries of the world and various rogue states for everything they've got. So here's what we should do.

>1. Slash R&D funding for the BOW division
>2. Give that money over to our legit enterprise to make more of the tried-and-true medicines
>3. Deliberately start an outbreak in a major city with whatever viruses we have
>4. Frame someone else for it (I'm thinking either the US government, or Procter & Gamble)
>5. We swoop in and make a big show of helping FEMA clean up the mess
>6. We look like heroes, and more people buy Umbrella products
>7. Use the additional revenue to either give all of our employees raises, or start funding BOW R&D again (I'm thinking the latter because that's Mr. Spencer's pet project, but the former would be a great PR move)

Guys I just receive a fuck ton of ammunition, where do I put these?

Anywhere's fine.

Who cares, it's not like we actually use it, put some in the vases in the main hall. the rest on shelves and cabinets as you go.

WHY DON'T WE STORE ALL OUR FILES IN THE FUCKING LAMPSHADES, AND SUSPEND THEM FROM THE CEILING

NEED A FILE? SHOOT THE LAMPSHADE.

Is that so? I guess I will put those next to my little green tree

Complete. Global. Saturation.

>Take our previous viruses
>Combine all of them
>Increase their potency
>Inject into animals and people
>Profit???

>hey guys lets make a giant humanoid with nearly bulletproof skin to claw the shit out of our enemies
>let's put his weak spot right on the front of his fucking chest and make it red so it stands out from his pale colored body!
what kind of fucking idiots are you guys hiring in RND nowadays?

How does medicine make zombies?

It doesn't, but zombies don't have money.

Wow, buddy, do you even have any idea about splicing viruses?
Fucking janitors telling us how to make BOWs, I swear

How else will it look cool and make money? Amateur

The C-Virus has the potential to create humanoid biological entities with...Expanded assets.
So we market the virus to a certain demographic that wants a sexual partner for sometime and then wants them to disappear.
With the C-Virus, Mr Simmons was able to recreate Ada Wong, imagine the profit we could make if we sold both the C-Virus and certain peoples DNA.
The ability to have anyone to use as you see fit and then dispose of them to get another is something we can exploit.
Why bother with 'Robot Waifu's' when we can market biological sex dolls of anyone you could ever want!

What's that typewriter doing here?

gtfo

Classic narrow minded moron, enjoy your tanks and attack drones and satellite systems, i'll stick with my bipedal crocodiles thank you very much

If everyone is a zombie, we can just take the money.

EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP I GOT THIS!
We restart the Nemesis program.
Now wait hang on just listen to me.
We restart the Nemesis program and then we release him into a city for combat data.

...

Get this, we make actual umbrellas, sell them for cheap during dry season
BUT, when it comes into contact with water it will release a cloud of viruses on the user. That way we can expand into the more common market, the regular folks

Infect the cast of bikini idol game show to spread public awareness of our products.

That's the kind of public awareness of our products that would get our asses sued into oblivion, or our assets completely frozen by the government. Just like I mentioned in , the best way to use our viruses and BOWs is to frame someone else for causing an outbreak, and then make ourselves look better to the public.

MOAR TITS

I don't like that Goldman guy he works for. He sounds weird.

That's because he is weird. He's a fucking tree-hugger who, get this, wants to "revert humanity to its natural state". Not to mention he's constantly drunk.

BRAINS

This shit is why we need tighter security around here. Every day we risk a city-wide outbreak (more importantly, an outbreak that can be traced back to us) because we cheaped out on the security and don't even have a real quarantine plan.

Why didn't we think of this before?
YOU'RE GETTING PROMOTED JIMMY

WITH A BIG FAT PAYCHECK AND A ZOMBIE HOOKER

Exactly.

Shit we're still doing that?

Put $50 on Pinczar, I'll be there in an hour I just gotta Jack off in front of this hunter to trigger a mutation in the new strain the F department guys are working on.

Hey guys, has anyone seen where those mutagens went? I swear they were right here on my desk an hour ago. Are one you trying to inject them into your penis again?

Why don't we make something with the Weyland-Yutani Corporation?

Wait, that WASN'T my medication?

Why did we stop playing with and manufacturing that virus that kept killing everyone in a 10 mile radius from our labs?

I miss the good old days when we used to do actual research instead of playing around with parasites from Africa.

Mr. Spencer ordered us to inject them into a Tyrant's crotch to see if it would grow a penis.

Great. Now you're going to get super-hung and also become an abomination. Thanks a lot for wasting everyone's time and money.

ok i got it, hold the fucking phone

what if we create a giant mutant skeleton spider scorpion wasp, also immune to rocket missile and magnum?

Trying this hard.

No tentacles?

Rejected.

We replaced that one-off experimental with a newer model that has nine slots, cant stop time, and expands grenades to the size of rocket launchers and shrinks rocket launchers to the size of grenades. Also armor has to be worn inside of the case.

these are improvements, combat data already confirms higher mortality rates

Let's stop infecting cities with zombie plague.
The out of court settlements with large businesses and bribes for officials to keep us out of jail are getting out of hand.
Let's stop adding auto destruct safeguards to our ultra secret and super expensive underground labs.
Those never stopped any outbreak anyway and mostly helped or enemies.
It's easier and cheaper to clean up a lab, retool it and continue than start digging from scratch because the whole fucking thing caved in after a big explosion.

Buy stocks in umbrella

You sound like you want to be the new test subject for the experimental "growth" serum.

Haha, good one new guy!
Here, have this pill.

After you kill it i will comeback with a full health bar and a big red boss hit me button,with tentacles as the theam for second stage

Guys I need to go take a piss so please watch over this vial while I'm gone okay?
Be extra careful not to spill it or anything!

I'm trying to get my resume together.
What do we actually sell? I'd put down research and development in my past experience but I'm fairly certain that nothing we've worked on has made it past the experimental stage.

Thats good and all but it lacks eyes, tentacles and a weak point. I dont see why we should make it.

Invest in major balistics across the nation

Fuck yeah, I always wanted to try the new Red Bull we were trying to mix.

Take a look at your employee manual, it clearly states the company's goals.

>Make bioweapons
>Destroy world with bioweapons
>?????
>Profit

If we're not making money it's because of your shitty management skills, now go find more architects to kill.

Hello, I'm a transfer from Tallon IV
I think we should consider implementing more tubes

I'm working on my new monspharmaceutical product and I can't figure out if it should be weak to fire or acid. Thoughts?

oh shit it's one of these assholes

Eh, just put health or medicine, we do have that one first aid spray brand line we made eons ago. That stuff is really potent.

whynotboth.avi

Viruses are gay, parasites are the future.

More tits

>Falls into a vat of acid specifically designed to break down B.O.Ws
>Still comes back for a final fucking boss fight
THE. BEST.

so give everyone autism?

HOW DO WE STOP CHRIS REDFIELD AND HIS STUPID JILL?

Get more combat data. Combat data is vital for this pharmaceutical company.
Send every thing we have into the city and collect more data.

checked

Side-effects include BOWs have a constant need to squat.

Shut up, Saddler. Go play with your cult of Spanish hillbillies or something.

How about a sexually transmitted virus?
HIT-Virus

This guy died not from his injuries from the suicide bomber that fucked him up but rather from "falling on ice"

GIVE ME 5 MINUTES

...

Why don't we just export our zombies to Willamette and charge a fee for it?

Tyler "Ty" W. Ziegel (October 16, 1982 – December 26, 2012) was a United States Marine Corps sergeant who suffered severe burns during the war in Iraq. He received the Purple Heart medal.[1]
On December 22, 2004.[3] Marine Sgt. Ziegel and six other marines were part of a convoy coming back to Al Asad Air Base from al-Qaim, northwestern Iraq, when a suicide bomber detonated an explosive device near their truck.[2]

What about Zombie Spider Shark? It can swim, jump and crawl on the wall.

Okay, which one of you fuckheads replaced my yogurt with G-virus?

Clearly we need to inject everything with Phazon.

It sucks that Umbrella's gone under, I really enjoyed my time there and the staff was always a delight. I'm curious, have any of you guys seen this Neo-Umbrella Corporation? So far I've only heard good things.

...

But didn't we have one already?

Make a zombie theme park for people with more money than sense to run around and die in.

Make sexy talking animal people to fugg.

Print counterfeit money.

Have Umbrella's violence-oriented employees hit people with sacks full of doorknobs and take their money while they're unconscious.

No.

Resident Evil 6 was not canon.

In fact, Resident Evil 6 did not happen and I did not endure a boss fight comprised entirely of QTEs.

Understood.

Thanks a lot dickhead, I just started actually crying with laughter and I think my co-workers are on to me not working.

But for real, I'm absolutely losing it here.

>end up with like 10 fucking FAS in my box since I never know when I might need one

I don't even know why I bother picking them up, all the Resident Evil games gave me plenty of herbs and ammo to deal with everything without needing to rely on a spray.

I think we could increase productivity if we didn't have to collect different stones just so we can enter our labs.

>He's never heard of Safsprin

buy deutsche bank stocks

He said ultra sexy, not 'previously used by 5 football teams, then run over with a truck'.

Look, If we keep making more zombies, eventually we're going to see a profit right?

Shareholders have been getting pretty antsy because of last quarter's drop in profits, so we've been having R&D go into overdrive. I think we've got a slam dunk. I present to you the latest unbeatable bioweapon: Charon!!!

We combined the deadliest traits of a bat, a lizard, a shark, and an octopus for an unstoppable killing machine that is proficient on the land, in the air, and in the water. It has the strength of all of those aforementioned animals combined. Also, we put a giant red eye near its ass so it can see behind it.

I am confident that the world's militaries will be lining up to purchase CHARONs to round out their fighting forces. After we get the combat data we need we can start rolling these bad boys out.

What if we sold highly addictive painkillers

and called them

joy

Saw this on /k/ the other day

A bossfight of QTEs? Just like the first krauser encounter in RE 4?

I heard Versalife is working on those.

Just three eyes, Jim?

We've been over this two goddamn times already!

Our stockholders don't want some 3 eyed pansy walking around shitting on all of our hard work. We need 10 eyed monstern to really put the fear in our customers. To scare the shit outta those all the world's militaries!

Look. I can see that you worked very hard on this but it just needs alittle more pizazz. Some eye candy if you will.

Just add alittle more eyes, alittle more tentacles, and maybe a little bit of spider in it. The CHARON will be set to go.

Hey guys, I got an order for a security BOW from my local elementary school.

Suggestion box is on my desk, please give me some ideas.

He's me the final bosses of RE6 being QTE fest. that or that who Section of Ada fighting Ada on that boat

Yes, just as shitty but with an extra dollop of disappointment because there was a lot of buildup and the boss itself actually looks pretty cool.

More unorthodox puzzles just to open shit heard Phil in H.R. had a rockin idea of getting the vending machine to take quarters.

O ok boss, I had Donny at R&D look into it and we made some changes to the BOW design. He wasn't sure where to put the spider parts so we put them on the mouth tentacles. They'll bite enemies with highly toxic venom if Charon wraps its tongues around them!

Donny noted a problem though because we put eyes all over the specimen's body it gets really irritated when it tries to move, because it's dragging its eyes all over the floor. We also had to take out some organs and motor functions because the eyeballs needed space.

fucking nerd

Make a bunch of dwarf Lickers, keep them as class pets.

Son you ever see a BSAA agent recover a wallet off a zombie corpse
Yeah i didn't think so there's a reason for that

sandwich

Someone archive this shit already

We should give more of our BOW firearms.

Wait, no, that sounds like a terrible idea.

What if we created a virus which infected common inanimate objects and combined it with the containers which house our other medicinal products? That way, even if a customer sends theirs back in for a refund, we've still got them prepared and ready to give us some combat data within the next 3 hours.

It sounds like a great idea, how better than to put the 'weapon' in bioweapon than giving them actual weapons? Have some more confidence son, you're a gat dang genius!

Wh...what if we took it further? A BOW with a built-in crossBOW that fires bolts laced with [x]-virus?

What if we take the kids left over from our bio attacks and raise them? Great pr right? We of course would turn them into bioweapons for us.

See Jim?
Alittle perseverance and you come up with something Mr.Wesker would be proud to send down town to greet our customers.
All the guy needs is a bit of eye drops and some nanomachines to make up for the lost functions and he'll be good to go.

Heck I'm feeling generous. I'll give you that raise you've been asking for.

Good job, Jim.

Letting our female colleagues into a room with a mutated giraffe was a mistake.

Looks like all those diplomas were useless

Let's go ahead and purchase some more shell companies, but make sure to label all the internal furniture and equipment with our regular logo. Noone will notice it if we install enough puzzles this time.

Hey guys what if we joined with those Space Pirate guys, they seem to also love bio-weapons. We could steal their research .

Buy a lot of real estate in abandon areas, like mansions in forests, mountains, what ever as long as its near a large populated area like a city.

Okay okay, I know, but what about a police station?! Imagine all the puzzles we could cram in there!!!!!

Underrated