Tfw you were a little kid facing the courts

I got lucky because the officer beat the shit out of me and they wanted to save face.

Jesus Christ for what reason dude

Damn Dogg at least you have remorse, you're a good lad

Officer should have put you down desu.

Damn son, I think this is one of those occasions where your crime has been pretty much absolved by your remorse. Good for you for all the volunteering, just don't let your guilt be the defining feature of your life!

>Jesus Christ for what reason dude

I was drunk teenager, seemed like a good idea at the time.

It's a long story involving a monkey and some bad Fresh Prince of Bel-Air jokes, you wouldn't want to hear it.

I'm the burglar who got off and posted earlier in the thread. As I mentioned, I was also under the influence when I committed my crime. If you haven't already, I would highly recommend that you try to give up alcohol. Despite what some people say about it, Alcoholics Anonymous is an excellent program, if you stick with it. As long as you really have a desire to change, you can just walk on into a meeting, no questions asked. Check it out if you're interested: aa.org/

well he didn't user Cred Forums user, so that's that

Thank you. In a strange way, having committed my crime has taught me many valuable lessons that I don't think I would have learned otherwise. For better or worse, it's a part of who I am, and there's nothing I can do about it except try to be a better person going forward.

>Jury duty 2 years back
>malpractice case
>defense attorney is a harmless looking middle aged guy
>plaintiff attorney is a rather unfriendly looking middle aged woman
>gets to the point where both sides bring out experts for their testimony
>plaintiff attorney goes after the defense expert's character, shit like trying to make him seem like he doesn't really care about the case and is only there to get paid
>she goes about the majority of the case this way
>plaintiff's expert then gives his testimony
>defense attorney gets fired up and dismantles his testimony with facts and evidence
>convinces me and the rest of the Jury that his client was not in fact guilty of malpractice

the second he started laying into the witness youtube.com/watch?v=Y3R8tkvlAlk began playing in my head

Women lawyers are, categorically, all bitches. Academia tells them that they have to be bitches to survive in the business, so they are. But they break down if you press them. I can't tell you how many times I've seen a lady lawyer, fresh out of school, leaning on the bar and sobbing because her argument isn't going the way it did in her head and the judge is going to rule in favor of my 91(a) motion to dismiss her shitty case.

Friend of mine introduced me to his lawyer which is a woman and not only is she actually competent, she is generally quite chill and laid back.

Murder

My magician coworker appeared dead in the middle of my magic trick and i was accused of killing him. It turned out the killer was my producer, who was secretely an old magician that used to work with my grandfather, who killed him by activating a lever that catapulted said coworker into a sword that was planted in the roof prior to my show in hopes of framing me.

The last things he said were
FUCK YOU GRAMARYEEEEE

I guffawed.

Jack was based as fuck

OG Law & Order >>>>> Law & Order SVU

Well that's quite a rarity, if it's true. Female litigators are strung-up as fuck in the courtroom, and I say this with many years of experience under my belt. And I have to ask: why does your friend have a lawyer in the first place? And under what circumstances were you introduced to her? Were you called as a witness or something?

My ancestor died a similiar way

For starters I'd like to say I'm not Amerifat.

Anyhow he needed a lawyer due to legal dispute with a store who refused to accept warranty, I had similar issue and needed a lawyer, that's how I got introduced.

So no murder shit or anything serious if that's what you expected.

In any event, the Ace Attorney series is going to end with Apollo accusing his mother of murder, and isn't going to be pretty. Sorry for the spoiler.

youtube.com/watch?v=Cofz_YxBXa0

This reminds me that AA needs an cool old guy as a rival prosecutor.
Just an old man coming out of retirement or something for reasons unknown until like the last case.

Someone with experience but isn't used to whatever these kids do nowadays like Analytical Psychology

No, I wasn't expecting it to be anything criminal. I was just wondering because, in the U.S., lawyers don't really have the time to be casually introduced to a client's friends unless there's money involved. Now that you say it, it makes sense that you were introduced to her in the context of you being a potential client and that she came off as being chill. Lady lawyers are usually pretty cool outside of the courtroom, but turn into sobbing, screeching messes when you press them before the bench. Although, as an Amerifat, I can only speak for American lawyers on this regard.

Source: I was an attorney in the private sector for about a decade until I started working for Uncle Sam.

Should i become a lawyer

Well she won me the case in 2 hearings and got the supplier to reimburse me. Furthermore you're not allowed to bitch in Polish courtrooms since you'd just get kicked out.
Lawyers are flat out not allowed to scream neither are the people they're representing. There's instant financial penalties for any such outburt and if you do it 3 times it's massive financial penalty and a week in jail.

>even random chcuklefucks on Cred Forums are telling yo to go to AA

Well is it a problem or not

Well, perhaps Polish woman lawyers are made of sterner stuff than we get here in the States. I went to law school with a Polish gal. She was one tough bitch, I can say that much.

Though, to be fair, I've never heard a lawyer straight-up scream outside of Family Court.

Family Court is Hell.

You should go to Ace Attorney it's a good fucking game.

Just give it a chance. All you have to lose is a little bit of time.

Fuck off, we're full.

But, no, probably not. My chances of employment after passing the bar are low, statistically. Obviously I have hopes that I can work my ass off and get something, but the market is not great.

The market is oversaturated in pretty much every single country, getting to actually work as a lawyer has very slim statistical chance.

I recommend playing Ace Attorney, but go to Alcoholic's Anonymous if you have a drinking problem. The Ace Attorney games are best played while sober.

What's the benefit to being a lawyer? Money? I doubt you get many chances to defend the innocent against injustice like Phoenix and crew.

Do any defense attorneys actually enjoy being defense attorneys?

Attorneys don't just deal with criminals user.
You've got the entire trade and corporate sector as well as family sector (YOU DON'T WANT THIS ONE).

It was way worse in '09. Just keep hunting.

Where you start out doesn't determine where you end up, despite what all those faggots on the internet say. You're gonna make it.

So do attorneys enjoy their work in those?

I knew a girl who was going into corporate law and she spent every second dreading the job. Her Chinese parents forced her into it.

She turned me down not long before going to law school.

Don't forget that sweet, sweet, Government work. I've been with the Comptroller of the Currency for about 3 years, and it is bliss. They say that getting paid with tax money is like drinking your own piss, so I guess that makes me a urophiliac because I love my job.

But I agree, family law is shit. I did that stuff when I was younger, and never again.

My most vivid memory of Family Court was this one guy who went before the court every month to try and talk his child support payment down. One day, he walked into the courtroom wearing a suit made out of newspaper under his actual suit. We only found out about that when he suddenly started stripping in the courtroom.

For some reason, I don't know why, the Bailiff started trying to peel the newspaper suit off of him.

I can still remember the pieces of that newspaper suit lying there on the floor. They'd assumed the shape of his body. It was like he was shedding an exoskeleton or something. Horrifying.

But why

>that entire second half of the post
WAT

Why did the crazy guy do it?

I'm not sure. I think it was supposed to block the mind-control rays of the Illuminati, or something like that.

Why did the bailiff strip it off him?

I think it was just adrenaline kicking in. After he'd ripped most of his chest covering off, I think the bailiff realized that if he kept going, he'd have a naked, crazy man in his courtroom. So he ended up cuffing him and the other officers escorted him to the holding cell.

Family law. Not even once.

If he was trying to talk down his child support payment, maybe it was a case of "I can't even afford a suit"?

I've never been much involved with the law, but a lawyer acquaintance of mine says that all the excitement is in civil cases with no clear right side. I think attorneys just like debating, but have a head to avoid politics.

I need to become a lawyer.

Naw, he was wearing a normal suit over it. That's how he got into the courtroom in the first place. The dude was just crazy. I've got a million stories about whackos just like that one. My favorite is the tale of President Joseph Charles.

Do tell

Do tell

Enlighten us, Old man

Come on bra tell us about Joseph Charles

Courtroom stories are always fun.

Have you had any Ace Attorney tier wacky moments, like YOUR HONOR, THE DEFENSE WOULD LIKE THE CROSS EXAMINE THE WITNESS'S PET PARROT!

President Joseph Charles was a favorite of the Houston Bar.

See, he was the real President of the United States. Obama had usurped his throne, and was constantly assasinating him. "Assasinating" him, in the present tense. No matter the time or day, he was always being assasinated. The one responsible for his assassination was one other than Joe Biden.

Joe had made it his mission to end President Joseph Charles by any means possible. Joe had gotten him ejected from the Red Roof Inn. Joe had snuck a fishbone into a taco that Prez. Joseph Charles bought from a taco truck. Joe Biden assassinated his own mother and played a hand in the murder of Michael Jackson.

President Joseph Charles was a regular visitor of the Houston City Counsel's City Hall meetings, which is where I first met him.

That's where he introduced himself to me as God. At this time, the President was locked in something like a rivalry with another crazy, and they both competed for the attention of the City Council. This other crazy person considered himself a Senator, and I guess that Prez. Joseph Charles considered that a threat, so he upgraded himself to being a God.

Imagine it. You're sitting in the courtroom, and a man walks in and introduces himself as God.

Then he removes his hand from his breast pocket, revealing an egg.

He crushes the egg in his hands, the yolk and white running down his sleeve, staining his suit.

And as he does so, he starts to sing:

"I've got the whooooole world... in my hands.

I've got the whoooole world in my hands.

I've got the itty-bitty babies... in my haaaaa-

and then he gets tackled by security.

Is this a leak for the final case in the next AA?

Court sounds intense.

Not even Ace Attorney has cases this cuhrayzeh

This sounds like a fucking bray Wyatt storyline

McCoy unless the evidence is thrown out and there isn't some obscure legal precedent from like 150 years ago

>sorry for the spoiler
>didn't simply use spoiler tags
Suck my cock

This wasn't even Court. This was just my first meeting with him, while I was a clerk for City Counsel. I met him in Family Court by pure chance about a year later.

What
Seriously, what

Since we're telling crazy court stories now, have fuckman kangaroo case

imgur.com/a/skffp

Has an Ace Attorney tier case ever occured in real life?

There was one with parrot as witness literally few months back.

>I thought you were referring to my motherfucking dick, fuckman

Jesus Christ, this can't be real.

>THE COURT: Is this a murder?

>THE COURT: Wait a minute. Listen to me. That would be the biggest mistake you ever made in your life.

>THE COURT: Listen to me.
>MR. ALLEN: Fuck you.
>THE COURT: Listen to me.

And then it went homosexual.

This reminds me of Court so much and makes me remember why I started with government work/

It is real.

Kek
Why do they all stutter so much?

Oh, I'm not doubting you.

See

>imgur.com/a/skffp
Didn't know that rick and morty was based of true events, good to know.

youtube.com/watch?v=oo8zkEZYE1c
Cartoon reenactment of the scene.

youtube.com/watch?v=pkFaIxpbHvM

Read out word for word.

Crist?

Thanks for my daily dose of faith in humanity senpai!

Yours is censored, use the link from here

If this was an Ace Attorney game, the egg crushing would be his breakdown

How are judges in this line of work? Grumpy and tired or fair?

There are probably records of the case in the courtouse. You can try finding out the name that way

I've had moments where opposing counsel said stuff that probably sounded better in their heads than actually ended up coming out, but nothing that stupid.

In a property dispute case I worked on, I saw a Plaintiff's attorney attempt a direct examination of an 8-year-old, but that's about the worst of it. It was just shameful. What kind of bastard would drag an eight-year-old kid into court. I almost felt bad for him during cross-examination.

Not if he was a kid, that record would be sealed.

The Judges I've met in family court where delinquencies are adjudicated were pretty good.

Have you ever had to defend someone who was really obviously guilty of their charges?

Prosecutor here.

Not so much had to defend, but I once did have to prove my client's case against a completely innocent defendant from the get go. The reason for this is because he wanted custody of his wife's kids and claimed that she abused them after their divorce.

When we were preparing our case, he said that he just wanted to spite her for leaving him, even though he had a track record a mile long. As in, he was a sexual offender (one count of statutory rape at 29 and two counts of attempted molestation of a minor, all of which after the divorce), tried for two counts of arson and acquitted, and convicted twice for unlawful trespass. I didn't have to make his case, thankfully, as it turned out he beat his own children up and threatened them to say it was their mother who did it. This was caught on a hidden camera in the bedroom and the case went from a civil to a criminal one, taking it out of my hands. He got sentenced for twenty years in San Quentin. Fuck that guy.

Where do you even begin to make an argument for a case like that? At least the guy got what he deserved.

Why are you here.

How can you deal with that kind of client? I understand you can't exactly just drop their case but what's the best way to proceed when the client is hellbent on pursuing that kind of strategy that is inevitably going to fail?

All the time, although I wasn't involved in criminal law, so there were no "charges" per se. The most blatantly obvious time was when I defended a guy who was accused of violating a covenant not to compete he'd signed in an employment contract. He was a young guy, pretty much fresh out of college. He and a friend had signed on to a tech company, doing internet advertising work. Their boss, who I guess was a friend of my client from school had gotten involved in some shady shit and racked up a lot of debt for the company. The client quit, but before he did, he, for some godforsaken reason, decided to sabotage the company. He fucked up all the company's accounts with their advertising partners and changed passwords and body-slammed one of their main servers (this only came out on cross-examination, btw) and generally just made a mess of things before going to work with a competing company that was founded by his friend who also worked for that other company. They both got sued, and the friend hired a super hotshot lawyer who worked at a super expensive firm with crazy billables.

Long story short, this lawyer advised the client's friend to throw him under the bus, but thankfully I kinda knew this lawyer and we were able to talk this stuff out. We ended up settling for a song, but if things went differently, it could have been bad.

There was video footage of my client stumbling into the office and then leaving, and the very next morning, the equipment was found all fucked up.

When all else fails, you go for technicalities. I was looking at records for his divorce and he got into a scuffle with his wife. By proving that the wife is capable of violence, ergo, there is evidence that behavior can be extrapolated to the kids having sudden bruises and injuries when she was living on her own. Not only that, but she did have a record of being a problem child with outbursts of violence, but has since stayed clean since she was 22 or so. My client suggested that she had a "psychotic" episode and she would therefore be unable to stand trial.

I told him that would be the fastest way to sink your case outside of admitting everything was a farce.

95% of clients that come in are reasonable people who want to have some sort of reparations for a slight, refund, reimbursement, what have you. The other 5%, or as me and my group calls them, the Blackstone "lawyers", think they know everything about how the law works because they watched a few episodes of Law and Order before hatching a scheme to try and rake some poor schmucks out of their money.

In virtually every case, they're the ones that end up losing and getting either their cases dropped or more often than not, fined and/or jailed for wasting everyone's time.

Not the guy you were responding to, but:

A client's a client. The 6A, as applied to the states, says that you've gotta defend the Scum if you want to be a public defender. And Scum is basically all you'll deal with, on the prosecution side and the defendant. I'm willing to bet that the wife had done some abusive shit in her own right as well.

You just represent the client as best as they'll allow and never let them take the stand. EVER.

As the other lawyer posting in this thread, you sound like a pretty cool guy, and what you're saying resonates with me. I just wanted you to know that before I go to bed.

What do actual lawyers/prosecutors think of the Ace Attorney games, for those of you who are still here?

Edgeworth games are a lot more believeable.

Does anybody have that image that was like an ace attorney case tier list?

They're fun, but it takes a lot of time to play them. I played the first two while I was a student first getting into the law, and haven't had the time to play the later ones. Sorry I don't have more to contribute.

I know how you feel user. I got caught pooping on a grave, and I can't even look myself in the mirror.

>I got caught pooping on a grave
Dying is shitty enough as it is user.

Who's grave? Do you remember? And what was a policeman doing patrolling a graveyard like that?

I want to see that as a breakdown in the next Ace Attorney game.

youtube.com/watch?v=E3tatvVLjIo

This man sounds like a true American hero.

Oh shit

See, this is what I'm talking about. Senator Robert Horton didn't even bother to wear a suit when he showed up before the Council. At least Prez. Joseph Charles dressed up.

The music in Apollo Justice was so shit
So was his game

The game feels like a chapter in the AA series that should be forgotten. Hobo Nick is like a completely different character, and Dual Destinies basically throws that out of the window. He's still a bit a baffoon, even when you versus him at Case 5 in SoJ.

His game's failure is also why Capcom is jewing us out of physical copies and why we didn't get Old Timey Japanesey Ace Atorney.

Hope he fucks off for most of next Ace Attorney game.

They can't all be Mia.

I bet you're not a nigger either.

I am not your lawyer. You have to be very silly to take legal advice from Cred Forums. Don't get into law: near everyone's trying it, there are few jobs, it's thankless and long hours.

Just about everyone in the sector has, I'd think? Bottom line: everyone is entitled to a voice in their corner. 'Everyone' here includes people who don't exactly deserve it, but them's the breaks.

Could be worse. Two words: vexatious litigant.

Or you could have a Freeman-of-the-Land or a Mackenzie Friend involved, scrawled pages of pure concentrated crazy in the form of bizarre pseudo-legalese or just pure vile vitriol railing against the injustice of people calling them crazy. Does Phoenix Wright get spit at?

Depends on your jurisdiction, obviously. My sector, in my country, can dump in extreme circumstances (given them advice repeatedly and they absolutely refuse to take it, or they refuse to talk to you for like 4 months because they're too busy pretending none of this is happening).

Working with children, or clients with an IQ of potato who lack capacity to give instructions, is actually better in some ways. It ain't exactly their fault, you know?

I've seen some shit - which I can never say, not even with names changed, because high-profile cases are too easily identifiable.

There are a few coping mechanisms for the client from hell. Don't let them follow you home. Never comment on their behalf. Take fresh instructions on everything, because they change their mind when you least expect it. Pray they pussy out during the hearing. And when despite advice they're determined to march into hell: then, My Lord, I have given my client certain advice, and on instructions I am asked to make an application for X.

>"certain advice" = I advised them clearly in very strong terms that they're a bloody idiot, but they're a bloody idiot, so they won't listen
>"on instructions" = please don't shoot the messenger, this was not my idea and I have no choice

Why would anyone get into defense law anyway? You always seem to be defending some retard 9 times out of 10.

What did you even steal and who'd you do it to? Frankly I'd be satisfied if you didn't do it again unless you fucked up some starving kids

Can I interpret Apollo Justice choosing to remain in Khura'in as the writers removing him from the next game, for the most part?

Please