ITT: Stupid things you've done while horny

>be me, 15 jo faggot
>Just back home after first time sex with my girlfriend
>shitsnotgood.jpg
>I didn't came /10
>be fucking curious about it, thoughts like omg u fapped to much now u won't be able to cum from normal sex
>thinking about last night
>horny.bat
>ill fap
>decide that i need to spice things up a bit, totaly forgotten that i thought like 2 minutes ago about i maybe fap to offen
>Internet will probably help me out
>finding some fap roulette archive on tumblr
>illdothat/10
>says i have to cum in my face
>why not tho, horny af
>cum in my face
>shit its in my eye
>trying hard to get it out
>samem moment i remember my thoughts from before
>standing in Front of a mirror with cum on face and eyes, thinking again about i fap to often
>fuckthat.gif

...

Nigga, what?

Story?

I feel that shit to be extremly painful and horrible just to hear/read.
I've never done anything with mine but I know how delicate they are and that shit is NOT for playing.
If you want to play and stuff things when you're horny you use your asshole

10/10

>halloween
Fitting holiday jeezus

I've heard a worse story along the lines of that but fuck that, still.

>be me
>12 y/o me
>Don't know how I got so fucked up
>Browsing eunuch tribe
>Think the empty balls look sexy as fuck
>Parents aren't home
>Get an idea
>Find syringe, needle
>Load the fucker up with rubbing alcohol
>Tie off my nuts
>Puncture it.
>Inject liquid
>Skelletonaaascream.jpg
>Pain like nothing ever before
>Don't know how i manage to not pass out from the pain
>Nothing even happened to the testicle
>Spend days pissing fire.
I'll post other restarted misadventures if you guys want.

user you got fucking lucky

>be 16yo me
>gotten a handy from a grill but never gotten the succ
>decide I want the succ
>started jacking it
>lay down on the floor next to my bed
>legs on bed, rest of body on the floor
>mfw try to get my knees to the floor to suck my dick
>didn't happen
>sprained neck, badly
>couldn't look forward with my neck straight for about a month
>hurt so bad most of the time could literally not eat
>never tried it again

oh my fucking god that's tragically funny

I haven't been too extreme, at least when little, the worst I did when little I guess was instead of use normal lube, which I ran out of, I used shampoo...

Can you still have kids?

>12
>miraculously find syringe needle
>load it with rubbing alcohol

Please, explain.

My dad used to juice up
Everything works fine down there.

...

holy fuck that image, kek

That seems like the easy answer to make up to not have ones made up story be ridiculed for being made up.

OP you are a liar and a moron. Sugar is just about the most water-soluble thing in existence. There is a 0% chance there were any "jagged" sugar crystals hanging out in your junk.

The funniest part about this story is that this actually happened to that same woman twice.

same tbh and then my dickskin started peelin off or some shit

Yes, please tell us more.

>be me
>be 20
>so horny, never felt this horny before
>also so hungry
>apple on table
>fuck I'm horny and hungry
>fapped
>finished
>washed hands
>ate apple

Everything went as expected.

This thread is now about apples.

applekek

Lol

Allright guys, time for another misadventures of retarted user
>13 y/o now
>Wanted to go full nullo
>Torture nuts and Mr Weiner every time I get that chance
>One day get another "bright idea"
>stick my dick in degreaser (the type used for grills and shit)
>Don't notice anything at first
>Next day
>Wake up and have to piss
>Aaasscreamingskeletonspt2.png
>Imagine pissing needles out of your dick
>Decide i need my dick gone ASAP
>parents are jehovers witnesses
>Go to Thursday meeting, get out at normal time.
>Rush to my bedroom, tie tie around dick hard as possible
>It turns really dark purple
>Oshitichangedmymind.jpg
Don't believe me if you want, im just glad my nuts still work.

Put your dick away. No one wants to see it.

Just fuck off and die, faggot.

top cider

samefag

>have pretty bad cold
>runny ass nose
>want to jack it
>halfway through my nose floods
>wipe my nose and use snot as lube

Cont.
>Dick turns purple, black almost.
>Can't get tie off
>Dick hard as shit and parents are still awake
>Literally have to pull this tie off my shaft tied hard as shit
>Shill have scars from the friction of the tie

>Be 20 year old me
>Going to throw a party that night so getting ready for everything to ensue
>Making Apple Pie because its delicious and want everyone to get fucked up
>Apple pie is Everclear and apple juice basically put in a pot mixed together for all the dumbshits
>Make two pots full
>Start drinking before the party to get loosened up
>I've had three or four mason jars full by the time people begin to walk in
>Continue drinking
>Blackout
>Wake up in bathroom
>Gut hurts, no recollection of how I got there
>Have boner
>Ohwell.jpg
>Start jacking it, HARD
>Get immense pain shooting through my stomach
>Balls feel like they've been beaten with a shovel
>Oh fuck
>Climax, while simultaneously hearing a loud ping in the toilet
>Passout from pain
>Wakeup with shit all over the floor
>I go find my phone as I walk throughout the phone
>Roommate sees me in my naked stupor
>"Bro, where the fuck you've been? I haven't seen you since the party 3 nights ago."

>Find out I passed out in the bathroom 4 hours after the party started
>Find out I passed a kidney stone while jacking off and go to the ER after I wake up
>And to top it all off, I had explosive shits fly out of my ass and cake the walls and floor of the bathroom

>I don't throw parties anymore

...

Wipped cum off my dick into a cat i found outside

I have a couple more times like this, it gets progressively crazier, let me know if you guys are interested.

yeah go for it

Pics?

how big was ur dad?

>sniffed my 16 yo daughters dirty underwear
>she caught me
>now blackmailing me or she will tell my wife which would end in a divorce
>I have to spent 1000€/month for her stupid shit or Im fucked.

help me

...

go on...

I couldnt pull my dicks foreskin to the end... And i though it was problem in frenulum.... So i cuted.......

See that spot where the pores look all weird and stretched out? That's one of them

Kek, rip your urinary system

...

It wasn't that bad. If it makes you feel any better I took a shower afterwards

Fucker was gigantic, 260 at 10℅ bf

10/10, user. Thanks for the laugh.

God damn why do you hate your dick and balls so much?

fucking kill her you bitchboi

Looks like snakeskin on your dick. Nice.

but this bitch is my only child

I don't anymore, i don't know what the fuck I was doing doing this shit at only 12,anyways, keep the thread alive, I'm going on break and I've got to eat. I'll be back.

...

holy shit, that's almost ronnie colman grade, he still at it?

You should have aborted the bitch when you had then chance

>Boi
Nigger detected

KEK

lye burning your skin off is overdramatic, thats only if you don't rinse it of immediately

Here's the deal fucko, eventually she'll have you paying ridiculous amounts of money, and your wife will smell the fire. A teenage girl is not a master secret keeper either. No matter what, your wife is finding out, and then one of three things will happen, she'll divorce you and take the girl and your money, and you'll still have to pay to keep out of jail, or your wife will call the police and you'll be raped in jail by bubba, or your wife will hate you but not leave you and look the other way as you rape your daughter (least likely). You lost your chance to live a normal life when you sniffed you own underage daughters underwear, you fuckass. If she's dead, all you have to worry about is the temporary grief and raising a new child (hopefully one you don't fucking perv on).

>6.5/10 MILF
So it was probably some poor old woman who could never get hit up in high school so she became a depressed failure.

come on

you smell the front or back?

>decide I need dick gone ASAP
Explain???

>be about 16 years old
>find out friend's brother has a lot of sex toys
>visit friend
>pretend to go to the bathroom
>steal fleshlight
>see panties of his really hot sister in laundry basket
>steal those too
>put stuff in backpack
>back home
>try fapping with fleshlight
>shit's way too tight
>use shampoo as lube
>fap furiously
>ejaculate all over the room
absolutely nothing went wrong, you shoud try it too.

...

Jokes on you user, I wanna die!

Everyone, you've been visited by good spirit user. I'll watch over you forever, no matter what another poster says what will happen to you if you don't reply to it. But it'll only take effect if you reply to this comment. Once you've replied you never have to reply to one again, just keep scrolling. Screenshot your reply too for extra luck.

Once got shampoo in my japs eye, would not recommend.

He's retired now, which sucks cause he's only 57
Anyways, here goes, this is the final one boys.
>14 now
>Haven't done anything crazy for a while. Been doing normal 14 year old stuff that normal 14 year olds do
>Bright idea extra bright edition final revision
>Decide to get fuckin blasted when mom and dad aren't home
>10 shots
>Geniusbegins.png
>Grab a ton of my sister elastic bands
Idfk I was a stupid retard who was aroused by the thought of being dickless.

both
I even licked it

...take a chance .. out of the bathroom with dick out

nice moves Romeo!

>Idfk I was a stupid retard who was aroused by the thought of being dickless.
Well I can't argue with that, but I gotta say you're a perfect example of why children shouldn't be able to make decisions about their genitalia. Anyways, glad your junk is still intact & functioning. Godspeed you madman!

>be me 27 year college student
>no sex in months
>diamonds almost every day
>studying in library for test
>go take a shit
>see phone number on wall offering services
>fuck it I'll text
>get reply with address
>Holy shit balls it worked
>get my shit and drive over
>hoping it's at least a twink or feminine faggot
>park outside and really second guessing myself
>palms are sweaty
>mom's spaghetti
>gather up my nerve and knock on door
>chubby hairy guy answers
>SHIIIIIIEEEEET
>go inside anyways cuz I'm horny
>can't get hard so ask to use bathroom
>play with myself and get semi hard
>go back outside
>he goes to work and I close my eyes and pretend it's a girl
>feels good after months now contact
>bust a nut and he shallows
>feels good for about 0.000001 seconds
>instant regrats
>avoid eye contact and leave
>silent drive home, no radio, not even thinking what I did
>immediately shower as soon as I get home
>lay in bed and it finally hits me
>hate myself for becoming a degenerate out of desperation for some action

kys

I think I got caught by my friends gf doing the same, but that's not nearly as bad. put that little cloth flap at the bottom around my dick hnggggh. later she wore the same socks multiple days in a row and kept leaving them next to my pillow though, so im pretty sure that was on purpose.
>good faps were had

You sir, are fucking nasty.

>me 13-14
>horny af
>use this wierd spanish shampoo as a lube
>my balls are starting to get really cold
>atm my balls are colder tha dry ice
>look at the shampoo bottle
>it's something that should make you feel relaxed or some shit by cooling it down
>0/10 wasn't really that relaxing

not exactly in topic but not exactly offtopic

>be me
>20yrs old, 7/10
>last year was fucking around on omegle
>meet 2 girls and they look interesting
>one is a 8/10 and the other is about 6/10 both 18y/o
>they live like 50km away from me
>they add me on skype and we keep talking for some weeks
>eventually invite me to visit them
>whynot.jpeg
>next weekend i go visit them expecting to get laid with one or both
>i arrive and they're in the place we arranged to meet
>they get in my car and give me directions to the house of the 6/10 girl
>as soon as we arrive
>"user, my parents only arrive at 8pm"
>it was 2pm by then
>i start thinking to myself i'll get laid for the first time with a threesome
>we go inside they tell me to get comfortable
>fuckyeah.jpg
>i jump on the couch lay there and turn on the TV
>they join me, one of them lies on top of me as the other one stands by my feet
>erect
>she starts rubbing her pelvis against my cock
>prematurely ejaculates
>tell them I forgot something in my car
>go home and block them on every social media account, skype, phone, etc
>never talked to them again

Kys

repost

That's fucking dumb, you know you can get hard again in like 15 mins right?

my boxers and pants would still be wet and smell nasty though

how fucking stupid, if you cum that quick you'll surely be able to cum again

...

fuck off

They probably would have licked it clean, confidence can turn women into semen demons. Not saying you should regret it though, I understand.

>0/10 wasn't really that relaxing
made me lel far harder than it should

nice double dubs

but yeah as a virgin i was too nervous and pussied out

oh boy

fucked a computer chair at my cousins house.
was gonna fuck the vaccum but was too loud and probably woken up the fam

>Be me 18/19
>Horny as fuck always
>Meet girl on camp while acting as mentor for underprivileged kids
>Get along well with chick and soon realise we are both horny as fuck.
>Swimming in sea alongside kids
>She swims up and wraps herself around me
>Underwater I yank her speedo one piece swimsuit aside and shove my rock hard cock inside her.
>Blow my load.
>Spend rest of long weekend find risky locations to fuck chick.
>Do it in communal showers, communal kitchen and on the main lawn at midnight
>Best time ever.

Ah, didn't quite absorb the "for the first time" part. My first time was almost anal, but I couldn't get hard. (got her the next day)

> deverly
you spelled deliver right what the fuck

>have landwhale roommates
>landwhales are in heat
>get horny (unrelatedly)
>consider sex toy use
>don't have any
>risk it and take roommates
>still smells used
>too horny to care
>dothedeed.ogg
>instantregret.flac
>feel shame to this very day
wasn't even that good a fap

Top. Fucking. Kek

...

>be me
>14 y/o
>mumther is out at work for 3 more hours
>horny as shit throbbing just because I'm a hormonal faggot
>wanting something better that my hand, remember that the best experience I had was with Marcos stuffed crust
Test this shit with your finger if you ever want to try it out anons

>we don't have pizza but we do have some greasy hot pockets
>put in micro wave for about 1 min
>cut off edge
>stick finger inside, nice and warm, fap material
>put back into sleeve and fry up another one while I'm getting busy
>too hornyto remember to put it in less than recommended time
>get done demolishing the meat pocket with my monster 4" pp
>go for the finish with the second
>take out of microwave
>cut off edge
>it's like a fresh pussy
>1/4 the way is room temperature >2/5 is warm
>along the halfway mark you've crossed the point of melting steel beams
>thrust my dick in
>head of dick burnt for a week
If only my mom had gotten me a pocket pussy :(

>implying she ever had anything on you
>implying you are not complying cause you like it

Also, deny (her) everything. If she bitches tell your wife its because you cut her off because she was getting spoiled.

MARCOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *HNGGGH*

...

zoozle

lel'd.
did you at least eat the hot pockets afterwards?
seems like a waste otherwise.

sometimes the pressure
>Be me invite this ex old gf
>Can`t get it up she starts laughing
>Say you`re only making it worse
>Didn`t even boner and cum
>She laughs and leaves
>Not the first time it happens the problem here is that when there is time in the air, I get nervous or some shit like that.
>She left than after 15 min I get boner

and the good old legend of dickfarts.

Awfully delicious pizza, got orgasms from both heads that night

> Be me 17.
> Rock hard always
> At university and always got erection in class
> Hella uncomfortable.
> Sit next to 6/10 and she got flimsy cotton top on and I get fuckn hard like usual.
> Have to turn around to answer friend behind me and turn back and see shes looking at my hard on.
> Get even harder, can feel the strain.
> I avoided eye contact with her to try to soften it but can't get the thought she knows out of my mind.
> Just makes me stay hard.
> Lecture finishes so I hang back waiting for everyone to leave
> Finally stand up. Pants are literally bursting my cock. Pack stuff away and reach and adjust my cock to make it point up to get some relief.
> Relief on face until I look up and 6/10 is watching from top of lecture hall.
> She laughs and walks off.
> I leave theatre and head to closest toilet to stroke the lotion.

Why would she laugh instead of feeling sad and blaming it on her body like a normal woman?

Nope I destroyed that thing with all my hormonal rage, too busy to get to the next one user

My local marcos closed down to become a pot shop, and then they didn't even follow through and now it's just a fucking empty building.
>Tears don't fall, they crash around me
>You ever get down on that mushroom/tomato/feta badassery?

You need fuckin therapy, btw say hi to bubba for me

Not sure maybe because I was horny insisted on her to come over to have sex, and she wouldn`t give a bj or hj so that didn`t helped lost all communication with her really lowered my self steem for some time.
Anyway my brother named his dog after her for some reason wich kinda flashback it to me everytime the dog is mentioned.
The thing I found out im more like intimate, wich sounds kinda gay but that is why im afraid to be with a hooker.
Because of that bad experience.

...

In all honesty user I haven't eaten there in about 4 months since I've moved downtown, I should probably pick up a slice to keep mine from having the same fate, I'll wrap a piece and mail it to you user
Stuffed crust or not your pick

holy shit what a ride

if you knew what youre talking
the pee hole is perfect for stimulation ist the gspot
no one knows about

story behind picture? please??

That is a lot of money she will eventually tell your wife you know that right ?
Just say something what is the fucking big deal I was drunk and I thought it was your underwear.
end of discussion would it be nice to have pizza for dinner ? or should we go out.
just say this words ^

>Just back home after first time sex with my girlfriend

i dont believe you

>be me 17
>invited round crush's for a party
>at the end of the night she ends up sleeping next to her boyfriend on the couch
>only one place left for me to sleep
>her room
>just me alone in her room
>smell all panties
>rub dick and balls on everything in the room
>smear my cum over her drinks bottle lids, panties and pillows
I was pretty retarded

Yeah dude, I feel you. I have to be sucking and kissing on the bitch like I'm in love to properly get off. That confuses sluts, it's a problem.

I'ts been like 2 fucking years for me, now I just have to settle for domihoes.
>cheese stuffed I hope lol

You pretty much had to

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

WHAT

>be like 14
>fappin
>"oh shit where do I wipe my jizz?"
>jizz in bottle
>go outside to dump it out
>dump it on a toad

>be me
>21 yo
>into bondage but cannot find any partner
>decide to tie myself up
>end up in a hogtie position, gagged and blindfolded with clothe pins on my nipples
>about 5 minutes in, want to free myself
>can't feel my hands.avi
>panic.attack
>fucking struggling for about 5-10 minutes to get free
>finally got free, never tried that shit again

>ribbit for his pleasure

same

> 18 and horndog all the time.
> Hot day middle summer, best friend pops by to play in our backyard pool and brings older sister.
> She's 7/10, trim and petite but her tits are just lovely squashed into a tight bathing suit.
> We spend an hour playing and at one point I'm on the bottom of the pool and 7/10 chick is standing on me.
> The pressure of my cock against the pool bottom and her walking on my back get me stone hard.
> I come up out of the water and can barely walk with the erection I have.
> I was stupidly wearing speedos and it was near-on impossible to hide with the head of my cock almost poking out.
> I climbed out of the pool as discretely as I could and excused myself to go around the back of my house.
> As soon as I got to cover, I reached into my speedos and shifted my hard cock to give me more comfort but in doing so I had the urge and thought I might just knock one off quickly.
> I had a good view of the pool and no-one else was around.
> I start thumbing away and was getting near the vinegar strokes when 7/10 suddenly appears and says "I thought I'd made you hard"
> I try to hide myself and was so embarrassed.
> She comes in closer, reaches down and pulls my hard cock out of my speedos and starts tugging away at it.
> After a while I reach over and she lets me pull down her swimsuit top and I get to play with her cold, wet erect nipples.
> I blew straight after that all over the material of her swimsuit.
> She smiled and ran back and jumped back into the pool.
> this was the start of an awesome summer.

...

...

>be 15
>hard as diamonds
>Hot pocket seems like ideal pockst poos
>Heat dat shit up
>Feel inside.
>noice.png
>Thrust in full dick
>Feels like I just penetrated Satan's firey asshole
>Burn dick, hurts for a week.
lesson here kids, make sure you feel the entire inside of your hot pocket before penetrating

Nice copycat.

meet your maker

I know it's the same basis, but did happen to me. I fucked hot pocket and burned pp. Happens to a lot of teenagers apparently lmao

>Be me, like 12-13
>Wait till everyone goes asleep
>Turn on tv and go on porn channel
>Aww Yeahhh.jpg
>First time playing with my dick
>Don't know what I'm doing, just do what the guy on the tv does
>Just about to cum
>Didn't know what cumming was
>Thought i peed myself
>Got scared af
>Mfw.gif
>Didn't play with my dick for at least 2 years.

T O P K E K
O
P
K
E
K

>AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Saved

...

Once jacked off in the missionary position for the sole purpose of masturbation

...

I really hope another dude did the same shit and she doesn't let people in her bathroom anymore

Suck a dick, faggot.

>January this year
>really needed to get laid, posted a craigslist ad looking for cougars
>woman responds, asks to meet
>meet in a dollar store parking lot
>she was ugly as fuck, nothing milfy about her
>said she was just looking for friends, decide to use that as my way to get out of it if she texts me again
>she texts later that night asking to meet again
>tell her I'm just looking for sex and wish her luck in trying to find friends
>She suddenly admits that she's looking for sex too
>dick takes over
>agree to fuck her
>she says she'll take me to a place we can fuck
>assume she's talking about her house or a motel room
>the dumb bitch wants me to fuck her in her disgusting SUV
>in the middle of the night
> in the middle of fucking JANUARY
>she parks on the side of an abandoned store
>we try to fuck for a while
>fake cumming because I'm freezing my balls off
>go back to my car
>as I'm pulling out of the dollar store parking lot a cop turns into the store lot where we fucked
>bitch texts me at midnight
ignore it and try to sleep the shame away
>drive by next day and realize that her car was fully visible from the main fucking road

This is literally the only time I've regretted fucking someone.

I once tried to fuck grilled chicken. No joke

underrated

lmao

Well according to that user the cops said a mailman did the exact same thing.

Right, but a threepeat would be god tier

You dont go to fucking prison for smelling someone underwear,

Sure, you will thought of as creepy for awhile, but not jail time.

One time i smelled my cousins panties, just to see if it smelled like all the other girls iv been with.

Turn out, yea, she had a regular grown up smelling pussy.

Shattered the cute innocent image i had of her, now think of her as a woman.

But ole' well.

My parents live on a country road that is fairly busy. Behind the house is nothing but woods.
When I lived with them, I once got completely naked, chained my ankles together so I could barely walk, gave myself an enema and put a butt plug in, put nipple clamps on, handcuffed my hands behind my back, pug a homemade ballgag in my mouth, chained the butt plug in so that it couldn't come out, then stepped outside and locked myself out of the house.

The key to the house was in the mailbox. The mailbox was on the other side of the highway.

I spent 2 hours in agony, ended up shitting the enema out around the plug (which stayed in because it was chained) all down my legs. Finally, it started getting dark, I didn't hear any traffic so I made my way across the road. It takes me a good couple minutes because I can barely move. I hear a car coming. I have to dive into the ditch on the other side. I spent another 20 minutes in the muddy ditch, covered in shit, my nipples on fire from the clamps that have been on me over 2 hours now. Finally, I am able to get up, get the key from the mailbox, and make my way back to the house to let myself back in.

fuck you too

All you faggots thinking that's actually a pic of OP can settle down. It's a body mod guy who rigged his dick up with a tube through a stretched hole he made in the base of his cock. Picture is nearly 15 years old at this point. Was published in the book ModCon

> Be 17 and moved away from home to go to university.
> Horny as hell all the time.
> Get drunk with university friends and go out and get drunk, meet older chick who gives me her number.
> Call her 2 days later, turns out I must have been pretty drunk as she was probably early 30's but still a solid 7/10.
> She says come around for dinner and me being a poor student said hell yeah.
> She lived in a share house with two other girls, so we all eat some pasta, drink some wine and chill and its getting late and things start to get a bit crazy.
> Girls start talking about wierd sex experiences they've had and as I'm the youngest I didn't have any stories at all.
> This 6/10 short brunette house mate says she once went out with a guy who could get an erection on the spot.
> They all laughed and another said a guy she fucked when she was 18 would fuck her on the street he was that horny.
> Not to be outdone and being a little drunk and stupid I blurted out " Oh I can get a hard on without even touching my cock in under 30 seconds"
> They all laughed and smiled wierd ( I know now the look they had was fascination)
> It was true though. I could think of sexy shit and literally watch my cock spring upward before my eyes.
> Next thing I know they are all chanting for me to get it out and show them.
> I resisted and sat tight, just laughing it off.
> Then they continued and next thing I'm doing I'm standing in front of three chicks, two whom I've never met and pulling my jeans down.
> My soft cock fell out and I said ok watch this.
> I started to think sexy thoughts and my cock sprang up like a coiled snake.
> They all just stopped and stared and then started whooping and yelling.
> The chick who invited me takes me straight to her room and we fuck for 30 minutes and I blew a huge load all over her tits.
> We came back out to applause from her two housemates.
> Later I ended up fucking each one of them.

>be 14
>lie about being 17

I'll take "things that I made" up for 500

good on you man, don't let the bitter virgins take you down with shit like "ur lying everyones a big loser like me"

ew

when the doctor tells him he cant have kids cause he's sterile

ughhh

Yay

He's not going to prison. Sniffing panties is not a crime.

Nobody was actually retarded enough to think that was OP.

I call bull shit, the water in cum and pee would have dissolved the sugar.

FUUUUCKKKK

Once fucked a girl so hard both of us bled a bit afterwards. She did like it though.

...

...

...

YOU USED SOMEONE ELSE'S FLESHLIGHT ?
enjoy your stds bro

...

Blew a guy while he sniffed my daughters panties and looked at bikini pics of her.

Gr8 movie

well thats

different

> Ok, wierd story this.
> Be me 18 out drunk with 6/10 girlfriend.
> Get cornered in club with girlfriends 7/10 best friend & with her really close to me, the smell of her perfume makes me rock hard.
> She leans in so close she bumps against my hard cock & looks down & then looks me in the eye.
> She bumps into it again "accidentially" , smiles & runs her hand down & rubs my cocks head. Then goes off to dance as my girlfriend returns with drinks from the bar.
> For the rest of the night 7/10 keeps doing it & she knows full well what she is doing.
> We all leave & get a cab to my place.
> My girlfriend is took & & goes to bed.
> Her 7/10 best friend & i stay up & have some more drinks.
> She moves from a chair against the wall to the sofa where I am sitting & leans in close like she just did at the club. I smell that perfume.
> Shes looking down and seeing I'm hard again and shes smiling.
> I get up and say I'm getting another drink and go to kitchen.
> As I turn the corner into the kitchen, I sense shes following me in. She comes in close, reaches and rubs my hard cock through my jeans again.
> I audibly exhaled in utter frustration and she knows how I feel.
> She turns around in front of me and opens the pantry looking for the bourbon bottle we were drinking and then turns back holding some jar.
> I looked at it and it was an unopened jar of mayonnaise.
> She opens the jar and tastes some with her finger and then dares me to fuck the jar of mayonnaise.
> I looked at her just weird but thought that I would do anything she wanted if it meant getting me some of her.
> So as she's watching I pull out my cock and then angle myself awkwardly and slowly push it into the white mayonnaise.
> I started to thrust it as she watches and then she grabs my cock and sucks off all the mayonnaise.
> She let me fuck her standing up in the kitchen.
> I still remember her scooping out the mayonnaise from the jar and oiling up the shaft of my cock as I fucked her.

ghnb vbnn

lmao what a spazz

...

> Be me 10 and found my Dads playboy magazines.
> Cut out pictures of naked ladies and paste them into scrap book.
> Dont know how to wank, so I have no idea why I like pictures.
> Hide scrapbook behind wardrobe.
> Go to get scrapbook and find its missing.
> Mum must have found it.
> Never talk about it.

>be college freshman
>no fapped the whole week
>preparetolaunch.wav
>roommate was supposed to leave for the weekend, but changed his mind at the last minute
>TFW you need this fap more than life itself
>fuck it going to dorm showers (8 separate showers in same room)
>crowded as fuck because friday nite
>discretely stroking
>dick has surpassed diamonds
>cannot cum in shower unless i stroke really hard
>motherfuckers will not stop taking showers around me
>stroke and wait for LITERALLY 2 HOURS
>finally get the room to myself
>fap harder than I can even explain to you
>entire pelvic region is petrified diamond
>breathing like I ran a marathon
>eyes bugging out like a cartoon and head is gonna explode
>every muscle below my waist tightens and I cum harder than I ever have in my life prior or since
>walls look like spiderman used them for target practice
>muscles relax and I start to lose hearing and eyesight
>blacking out, legs are liquid spaghetti
>sitting in the shower
>last thought before passing out, "please don't pass out."
>blackout.gif
>wake up to find myself naked, half way out of the shower, covered in cum residue, surrounded by 3 bros and my RA asking if I need to go the hospital
>get back in the shower and tell them I'm fine
>get out and roommate heard and is laughing his ass off
>cry myself to sleep
>move into an apartment 2 weeks later
>I can never live on campus again.

>27 year college student.
Kys.

>be about 20
>decide to try this since I was too broke to afford a fleshlight or a grill
>Start going to town on it
>feels fairly good
>starts to feel a bit odd but still enjoying it so I keep going
>it steadily stops feeling as good and I can't cum so I pull out
>Have rubbed most of the skin off of the head of my dick and its all raw and bloody
>I still finished
I did dumber shit when I was younger too

did you even lube it up? damn

should mention I didn't use a glove, just the sponges
>be about 15
> fucking crazy horny cause teenager
>decide to say fuck it and try the peanut butter on dick thing and let my dog lick it
>regretting it while I'm doing it
>instead of licking the dog goes straight to biting
>honestly lucky I was quicker than it and all I got was a puncture inside my urethra and one on the outside
I kind of felt that I got what I deserved on that one

>Get into sounding
>Use small sounding toy
>Diamonds like never before
>Cum so often the last times run dry (orgasm without any fluids)
>Every shot with liquids fires 10 times as hard/fast.

Some time later
>Decide to use a bigger and longer sounding toy.
>Goes balls deep (feels like it anyway)
>Stings a little, no cares, too horny.
>First orgasm after super long edging
>Cum bucketloads, cum is pink then turns a deep red.
>Still cumming blood at this time, try to get sounding toy out which fortunately went smoothly.

No bad side effects afterwards, though probably have a scar on the inside of my penis now because the next time I tried sounding it felt much narrower.

>Added bonus
>Narrower urethra = greater ejaculation speeds/pressure = greater distance to shoot

Things went better than expected.

...

Great story though. I know the feeling of almost passing out from fapping in the shower so I can relate.

I also got pretty into sounding, I probably have a scar or two in there from going a bit too hard but I don't have any intentions of stopping. Just gotta keep that shit sterile

fuck

> Be me 11, best friends with girl same age from across the street.
> Together we hid in my wardrobe and took our clothes off and rubbed my cock with her pussy togther cos it felt good man.
> Moved house next year and didn;t see her for 10 years.
> Bump into her at music festival.
> Both of us were off our face on acid.
> We sit under a tree a talk about that experience for ages.
> Turns out it was the most intense sexual experience both of us have ever had.
> We decide to walk to a nearby wooded area and do it again.
> We find a hidden clearing within some trees and she gets undressed and so do I.
> She had shaved herself so when we rubbed together it was just like it was when we were 11. I was bone hard, tripping like mad, and everything was so intense.
> I ate out her pussy and drank buckets of her pussy juice, she was so fucking horny.
> I asked if I could go inside this time and she lay back on our clothes pile and her pussy was literally dripping so bad that I almost went straight in without stopping.
> I blew after an age and coming on acid made it the most intense orgasm ever.
> We returned to the festival and ended up fucking like teenagers for months.

mediocre

I tried sounding when I was younger. I used a few things but eventually I used one a fiber optic strands from those lights covered in them. The first time I did it it went great but then I tried it later and as soon as it got pretty deep in I instantly got the worst migraine of my entire life. So bad I nearly blacked out and just kind of fell back onto my bed for a few minutes until I was coherent enough to pull it out. It lingered for a little bit but then it went away. No fucking idea what happened but I won't be doing that again

I still kinda wanna try pushing one of those cellphone vibrator motors down there right by my prostate. They're small and waterproof. Can you just imagine something vibrating from deep inside your dick?

You can buy vibrators specially made for that, long thin wands. It feels pretty good but not as great as I thought it would

>11

>14 now
Where are the mods?

I think he means he was 14 in green.

Why did you want to remove your cock and balls? How old are you now and do you still want that?

l

Its pretty rare to see anything about sounding on Cred Forums

sounding bones me up a lot

i havent done it since i was like 14 though

People on here usually freak out about it

>be me 19y/o
>parents leave, decide to use dads computer hooked up to 75in tv
>fap to high resolution porn on big ass screen
>about to cum, realize no tissue or paper towel
>cum on side of table, I can clean it up after I finish
>close porn, go into kitchen to get paper towel
>sidetracked by immediate starvation
>make food, wait for food and sit down at couch to eat
>completely oblivious to cum still sitting on table
>parents get home while still in kitchen throwing away tray
>mom says "what the hell is that"
>walk back into living room, see cum on table
>it's a LOT of cum
>cya l8r heart.jpg
>get paper towel and clean it up

Never was brought up again, told my cousin and he just laughed

paaz

Piercings

why?

unnnfgggg its so hot when its in and the guy cums and it just bounces up and down with each cum shot

No risks

kek

Ok

I had a really good webm for that but the file size is too big

That's almost a decade's worth of studying right there. Jesus christ get a move on with that shit. You can get a masters in 5 maybe 6 years so unless you're going for the absolute max of post-grad whatever, 9-10 years is a hideously long time to be studying.

maybe he's a mature student? i dont know how it works in 'murica, but im going to uni for the first time next year, ill be 28. sometimes people change their minds about their lives half way through 'em

fuck you

how fuck did he get all that in there

I feel this...
>had tight foreskin
>eventually stretch it out with sex
> one night of particularly rough sex I feel a strong pain on my dick
> carry on like a champ until we both finish
> pull dick out
> OhGodTheresBloodEverywhere
> torn the frenulum
>girl is cleaning up in toilet,
>tells me bleeding someone else's blood out of her is the most disturbing thing she's ever done.

had surgery to finish the job on the frenulum, was a pus filed oozing mess for like a month.
girl breaks up with me as I think the experience scarred her for life

>Live in rural AZ
>Blonde down the street is hot as fuck
>She jogs by every evening after dinner
>Find out shes Trump supporter
>Ask if she wants to go to trump rally
>"Oh Im already going with my family"
>Oh cool, my family isnt
TFW i go to a trump rally with QT3.14 and her family, and listen to rednecks talk about trump like jesus and muslims like filth.

put a tiny braces rubber band around my dick

i'm finally free :')

Male or female? Much funnier if male

See if you decide to only start with college later in life, then sure that's fine. However for the majority of college students, that will not be the case. Therefore presuming this guy has been in college ever since he got out of high school (which applies to most college students) is nothing out of the ordinary.

I have a story like this.
>be me 15
>horny little kid
>Have thing to put in ears and clean out
>Fill with water from shower
>Pump my dick full as I watch the water fly out
>I can feel the water in my urethra
>Do this every now and again if I get horny enough
>Wake up one day
>Piss stings to shit
>see blood come out when I finish pissing
>roll with it for 2 or so days
>get to the point I can't take it anymore
>call home from school sick
>Tell my mom my whiner burns when I piss
>Calls up our family doctor and can come in the next day
>Have to piss in a cup
>She checks it out
>Asks if I've experienced blood in my urine
>I lie saying I see none cause my mums there
>Asks if I'm sexually active
>not sadly
>Ask if I've noticed a rash or itching around my tip
>Tell me they found blood in my urine
>prescribed me some pills I pick up from a local drug store
>Take twice a day
It was not fun. My piss turned brownish sometimes and still burned but after the pills were done I was good.

>be me at 20 yo
>one night drunk and high on weed and ketamine
>i always liked sounding my dick, lets do it
> stupididea.exe
> bend pipe cleaner in 2 and fuck my urethra with it
> wow thats really hot i love it
> mfw white pipe cleaner is red
> ohshitohshitohshit
> gotta desinfect that shit
> take thing for droplets
> fill with rubbing alcohol
> letsdoit.bat
> it burns but its hot and im turned on
> jerk off with dick full of alcohol
> cum alcohol and blood
>so hot, that was one hell of an adventure, i loved it
>the next day
>piss in the bathroom at work
>burning sensation feels great
>get boner from the pain

i think im fucked up guys

Faggot

pinterest.com/oldyoungtimers/piercing/

...

myvidster.com/video/49550964/Twink_with_Prince_Albert_Sounding_His_Cock_to_Cum

this ones hot

I bent a nylon guitar string in two, lubed it with my spit and stuck it up my peehole when I was too dumb to stop myself, maybe around 11. Not sure what it hit when it got to the back but that pain didn't stop for a few days. I was enjoying the feeling of having it protrude through the underside skin too. Bummer.

Have issues with my flow these days, always wonder if I fucked my shit.

I smiled at the camera and did nothing....

thanks

They look like they're made of glass or acrylic.
>now imagine one snapping while in your dick hole

I've done this too user.

So you were lying on a bathroom floor for 3 days? Everyone totally believes you.

...

This.
Just claim work or some shit was stressing you out really badly and you drank too much.
You can claim you were too hammered to tell the difference between panties or some shit.

...

lol. I wonder the the same thing about the bend in my cock. I used to stick a lot of things in there

Yeah, your dick's skin is a lot more sensitive than your fingers, so I would make it so it only feels lukewarm on your hands.
I did the same thing with a homemade pocket pussy. Apparently hot water was more than enough

I love you

nothing wrong with trying to stick your dick in a hot grill

I hope I've missed one of these.

>be me
>be 13?
>not first time doing this
>Whilst cumming lose body control as usual
>accidently knock my head on my metal chair
>Feelnothing.gif?
>repididly smash my head whilst cumming
>still not pain
>feel like superman
>don't do that retarted shit anymore

ok

>>Get really strong urge to jerk it, but feeling experimental
>>"What if I shot something out of my dick?"
>>my eyes fall on the box of Nerds I was eating...

Give this user an academy award. My sides.

...

>got FIVE in there

HOW DF

nice

>be me
>dry fap

Being 24 yo, dating a 10/10 girl we fix a late date on saturday she brought a couple friends with her the guy passed because too drunk, i fucked both then the other didnt now was the 10/10 girl of a narco guy, now happily live in another country.

KEK

I took a video on my school laptop of me playing saxophone. My mom found it. Worst part of it was that I didn't even sound good.

i assumed male and the image is hilarious

Yay

FUCKIN KEK

>I go find my phone as I walk throughout the phone

That's disgusting.

Fucking nigger

Fuck, that's the time I get off work.
I know these aren't real but it's just that nigger's honey-bun looking face that gives me the creeps.

...

Bump

>last thought before passing out, "please don't pass out."
kektus

Jesus Christ OP

Fuck you cunt. That's when I drive to work.

>> this was the start of an awesome summer.
moar?

>be me 13 y/o
>wake up rock solid
>1:00 am
>look outside
>pitch black and street lights arent not working
>get the idea to go out ass naked and casually walk and fap at the same time
>I walk outside and start jerking it
>its the summer so the tempature is perfect
>suddenly go flacid as i hear a car in the distance
>ohfuck.jpg
>i run into the backyard of some old couples house
>they have this nice lawn and some soft chairs set up as well as a swing set for their grandchildren
>i start pissing all over the seats
>i sit in the one chair that i didnt ruin i begin fapping again
>i get so horny i stand up and climb ontop of the wall and walk onto their roof and begin fapping furiously
>get to the point where i start humping this metal chimney
>i cum and let out a loud moan
>why did i do that
>I see the lights turn on in one of their windows
>ohshitohshit
>i run back to the rock wall and prepare to jump into the other neighbors backyard
>i see some flashing light behind me and look behind me
>fuck
>apparently their son was visiting and heard me walk on the roof and moan
>he yells "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?"
>run.exe
>i jump off the wall but lose my balance so i land on my arm and their neighbors back is nothing but dirt and rocks
>arm isn't broken only bruised
>my dick at this point has shriveled down to the size of a baby carrot
>i run home and quickly get inside before this guy finds me and reports me to the police for indecent exposure and trespassing
>never did it again

Kek

o ya

Right? I can handle like limbs being severed off, shootings, animal abuse, regular things. But anything involving the urethra is fucking HORRIBLE.

>be me 17y/o
>summer rainstorm
>bored af at 3am
>get naked
>grab pistol crossbow
>walk into backyard
>pouring warm rain
>jerk it
>cum hard
>lay in grass
>rain washes as enjoy afterglow
>feelsgood.m4a

Omg

cant risk it

Im already dead

10/10

It's not even that funny but it is... whut

o

lol

fuck you

my dick hurts now thxs
>tweeze.....SHUT THE FUCK UP

>be me 13/14
>home alone so I get naked and start recording myself playing saxophone on a school laptop
>my mom goes snooping on there and finds the video and has it open
>I don't actually know that it is open till I go to a big sleepover.
>Open computer with my friends around and this video is open.

I do. When I was 15 a 7/10 buddy of mine fucked a 9/10 girl from our school in her barn at 3 a.m. Youngsters be fuckin'.

oh noes

Replying

Reposting

Il bite

you're an okay guy

Let's see..
You know those skinny, flexible glow sticks that you can make into bracelets and shit? I've shoved those down my dick till there was only a couple inches left sticking out. Could feel the end all the way past my balls.
I've wrapped electric tape around my ball sack, turns out the tape was really old and the glue starting to deteriorate. It was extremely sticky and took half an hour to get the tape back off. Felt like it was going to rip my scrotum apart.
Have a small glass bottle filled with sand from a vacation years ago. The bottle is ribbed (think like a DQ ice cream cone, like balls of ice cream squished together). Was on a kick for a while where I enjoyed lubing that up and shoving it up my ass even though its almost too big and was kind of painful.
Once superglued the tip of my dick shut and then jacked off. When I came the pressure started building and felt awesome for a second, then started getting painful. The glue finally broke loose and cum shot about 6 ft through the air and hit the wall at eye level. That was actually a pretty cool one.

Jarps been duppled again

Fagote