Is anyone else on here really ill?

do you have any difficulty swallowing or maybe breathing deep through your nose? do you get gas?

is there a sensation when you say the phrase "heavy foot"? have you seen an ENT? is there a sensation when you make the sound "n't" from common contractions such can't, won't, don't?

Could you naybe describe some symptoms of this "illness"?

yes when my lymph nodes swell up., but not this morning. Only bad vertigo this morning.
no problems talking. I do get gas but that' sjiust all the time.

I've been to 3 ENTs, first told me I'll just get better. Second told me I'm a pussy. Third is actually stilll trying todiagnose exactly whats wrong with me. But he found that my septum is like 99th percentile deviatede as fuck so they're snippping that out.

>>something is wrong with my ear somewhere and it causes trerible vertigo and dizziness, resulting in nausea and short term memory loss. I already hate my life enough without being sick. this just makes it worse.

Oh yeahhhhh. Ive been weirdly sick for 2 years with something undiagnosable. I have a whole story about how it started (after a bicurious sex session) and what symptoms came on and when, which are still here and as severe as ever after plenty of antibiotics. Wanna hear?

I live without a colon

My mate has a problem with his ears its called menieres disease, i have a problem with my nuts where they hurt 24/7 and have for over 3 years now drs cant figure it out ive had kidney stones and a burst appendix, im also 24, life sucks you just have to live with the cards your dealt or pussy out and fold your choice

Yeah one of my eyes is shorted sighted, other long sighted and this only started half a year ago and doctor dont know why.

I swear me being on the phone too long caused me to have myopia.

I am scared of going blind now :(

Yes

what's that like?

I have bipolar disorder and that's about it. I manage it but I still hate it.

i have diahbeetus but that's not really being ill

yes please. Mine actually started after traveling in a foreign country and fucking some rando chick from a bar. I have my doubts it's some crazy virus from overseas that my body can't kill/

Im 28 and have ms

fuck meng. would you ever consider just getting your balls removed?

and yeah they have looked into it being menieres disease but I don't get headaches/migranes and that's like another primary condition of that.

Ive been suffering for the last 15 years and the doctors have done fuck all, i finally have an appointment on 21st October with a mental health team. They think its Adult ADHD and something else but they stilll dont know.

Spicy food is a no, rough and acidic foods are painful. Sleeping through shitting has been a problem.

The only good thing is I'm so sodium deficient becauseI don't reabsorb much that salty American food is only half as bad for me as it is for most people

Also no more buttsecks with me taking the pounding

Alright, here goes

>be teenaged me
>have best friend
>friends for years, sleepovers all the time
>one night i've nearly entered deep sleep
>feel/hear him shuffling, we're sleeping on the ground next to each other
>his hand hits my thigh and slides off
>no biggie
>seconds later it happens again but lingers for a while
>start to think this is strange
>hand goes from thigh to crotch of boxers and fondles
>blood rushes to head, heart pounding, only ever had dick licked once by ex gf
>he pulls my dick out and jacks it for a bit
>feelsgoodman.jpg
>removes hand, raises my shirt, kisses from stomach down to dick, puts it in his mouth and starts sucking
>feelsgreatman.jpg
>eventually have to cum and get nervous, if you cum you gay!
>fuck it, nuke his mouth
>swallows it then rolls back over and goes to sleep
>this continues for months, eventually to him riding me with my dick in his asshole all while i pretend im sleeping
>one night get brave, say his name while getting sucked, he pulls off, frightened
>tell him that i've always been awake, and that we can take turns
>suck his dick to completion, doesn't taste too bad
>decide to mount him and be and control for once
>tight as fuck
>tries to do me, wayyy to painful
>end for the night, sleep, go home in the morning
>sore throat when i wake up, figure it's from first time sucking dick, think nothing of it
>next day still sore, now feels tight like it's closing up and weird pressure growing in stomach, starts as tiny ball and encompasses whole stomach within days
>3 or 4 days later get weird tingling on dickhead/in urethra
>pimples appear on dickhead and balls swell and hurt
>asshole and dick/balls feel burning and itching
>having a panic attack
>try every cream in the house on dick, neosporin, antifungal, yeast stuff
>pimples fade and disappear within 3 or 4 days of appearing
>balls still hurt like crazy, starting to swell and shrink

cont.?

does lifting your neck up ( as if to peek over something ) hurt anywhere or trigger any biological responses besides breathing?

I have noticed that there is a fair amount of friction in the world that we arent made aware of until we are in the midst of it. Hormones in particular are very powerful in this regard, especially in such an emasculated society as america, even britain, and in a world with such a frivolius account of psychological problems that affect its people.

Im worried you may have a combination of low testosterone mixed with heavy onset response to maybe changes in the air ( chemtrails ) and possibly contaminated water.

I say this bc although i havent encountered a japanese person in a long time, a lot of people ive been around would say i smelled japanese when i was in the presence of chinese and phillipino people. This didnt happen until more recently and although its a stretch, in my last encounter with a japanese person he accidentally sneezed on a gash I had. And as I said, it wasn't until. more recently that people began to quibble around me being cultured or this or that and then saying to eachother that I smell japanese. Stupid story but its all true.

I'm 24. I have multiple severe hemorrhoids that BLEED almost daily. Irritable bowel syndrom and acid reflux which causes me to shit out pure stomach acid. I also have constipation which makes it worse. Yes diarrhea and costipation at the same time. I also have sites on my thighs that bleed occasionally. I have back and back problems to the point where I can't stand up straight sometimes. My eyesight is shot. My lungs are horrible partially from smoking partially from acid reflux destroying my esophagus making swallowing food difficult (little bits of food go into my lungs sometimes. I throw up almost every day from stomach pains. (They checked for ulcers and didn't find any) ). I have no girlfriend I've never even seen Boone in real life or kissed a girl. I do pizza delivery/kitchen cleaning/prep work/cooking food at a restaurant for 50 cents under minimum. My house has a few issues and my car is shit. Only me and my mom work and we can barely afford to pay for my meds and my dad's Parkinson's meds. I have severe "I will fucking eat people alive and vomit them into the sun" kind of super anger. And to top it off I've had 12 fillings 4 crowns, 2 spot canals and a root canal retreatment AND that tooth still needs to get pulled. I have no money. I have no fun. I have no life. My car is shit. Everyone I care about is dying or suffering and my life I crap.

Servile to the pussy!

Oh and I'm ugly

What's your symptoms?

No colon guy here, feel ya on the acid shits and brokeness

But at least I ain't ugly

FUCK I am 23.

I've written lots of music beginning at age 18 but never released it.

I feel like it is too late to do anything now.

I am antisocial and afraid of people yet I know I grow older every day and I dont want to wake up 40 years old without doing anything.

Btw I still live at home with parents so whenever I meet a girl on tinder and she asks "Lets catch up" I remind myself that I have no car (also I have been too lazy to get license yet) and that I still live at home.

I am so pathetic. Also am too scared to drive with being afraid of embarassing myself on road or causing a crash

Ive requested the left testicle to be removed as it is the constant source of pain to the point where i cant walk and my whole body will spazz in pain but they say that it would be immoral of them due to my age it could affect my fertility, even my arguement of i already have 2 kids and dont want more wont work they just wouldnt do it unless i went private (free health care in nz) my mate doesnt get migranes with his menieres and i have a ringing in my ear loss of hearing and muffled hearing in my left ear, im in the process of seeing specialists to see if i may have it

What kind of music do you play/what instrument? Bass player here! I love metal but like to write poppy punky kinda shit like Motion City Soundtrack, probably because i can't compose amazing shit like Death lol

My face hurts.

fuckn shit m8, hope things improve for you and your family

no im not gay btw. dude was sitting a seat higher than me and some of the sneeze caught my skin.

You tried not wearing underwear?

Sometimes tight underwear makes my balls hurt

Have been diagnosed with ulcerative colitis at 7 years, was not able to go to school for 2 years and even after the 2 years it wasn't fully gone, I was so little and I shat blood about 40 times a day and puked about 5 times, always dreamt of going outside at that time, I took really strong medicine which gave me an incredible insatiable hunger and I have a eating disorder ever since, also I got incredibly obese real quick, been obese ever since always fearing my colitis will come back, and not being able to lose weight due to Hypothyroidism. Also got severe ADHD, which I was able to defeat one year ago, my life is miserable.

I use ironic dry humor to mask my crippling depression. Anyone elsw here do that ? I somtimes make others laugh and this makes me happy. Somtimes though i really wish i didnt exist.

Are your fillings metal amalgam? If yes, you might be one of the few people who react badly to metal fillings.

I play guitar and bass and some drums. I make metal music as well as experiment with some other genres.

I found a metal label company from europe who lets people submit their music and then your name can be added to the metal archives on some site.

Should I do this or nah?

Since they only are for black metal/ambient metal I guess doesnt suit me cos I also make rock and industrial music but yeah do a lot of ambient stuff too.

I.e. Depressive Black Metal such as the band Austere

You might have an infection in your eustachian tubes. Does it hurt or do you feel a lot of pressure if you hold your nose closed and try and blow your nose?

>>
doesnt colitis mean your anus swelled from eating and processing too much red meat? Im not trying to be a prick here, I really empathize with the lot of you, but wouldnt that make you NOT want to eat so you didnt clog up your ass and force the stretching and cramps from the internal suction/back and forth?

Not sure but its not that I had a bad fever when my back teeth were developing so all my back teeth are about 1/3 strength and have no protective coating

I mean like the band Austere. There is a lot of experimental atmospheric metal bands

Havent worn undies in 2 years i have alot of other issues with my gut, irritable bowl, acid reflux, i have an overlapping of abdominal muscle which hurts like a bitch, my prostate is enlarged and pushes on my bladder sometimes making it impossible to pee, and the nut pain is the worst alot of my friends and family think im faking it because i havent been diagnosed with anything and my gut problems have been since i was 17, they think im doing it to get benefits from the government and dont want anything to do with me howevr ive been working since i was 16, i have had time off but i still have issues from tge ruptured appendix, which burst april fools day last year

Wouldn't say really ill but have seizures often and body will go on periods of not digesting food and flushing it out

Nah I didn't get it from meat I inherited it from my father, my intestine had rips in it and it was swollen all the time, I could not stop eating because if I didn't eat while taking the medicine I would sometimes black out from the incredible hunger.

Testicle pain and testicle problems like varicoceles are caused by fatty and unhealthy foods I believe.

I have a varicocele and all my life I have been eating unhealthy.

Is so hard to get off all sugar but yeah I need to eventually and so do you.

Do it! You've got nothing to lose! I have a guitar and drum buddy i jam with on the weekends and it actually cheers me up and makes me feel accomplished just recording it on my shit phone. Imagine how great you would feel of you got signed?

I have a friend who is going through something really similar to this. She has migraines with the symptoms, as well. She's honestly losing her mind not knowing and just being passed from specialist to specialist.

Just did this and no nothing, ive had many tests, scans, ultra soinds, mri, cat scan etc etc in the last 6 years ive spent over 8months in hospital and they cant find shit, the only reasoning ive been given and its a maybe diagnosis is that a kidney stone ripped a valve which holda urine from getting in my nuts and that is what causes my pain bit it was a guess and no concrete evidence was found to back it up

Those sounds i asked him to try to make were for checking if it was a problen with eustachian tubes. I have been dealing with mine for a while now an. have some good speech therapy methods for it. I stil can't keep high pitched noises from scaring me, though. I had a blast injury myself as well as other things but the ear problem was the only one that manifested itself as a root proble. besides myey esight possibly causing me to stress over going blind. I have kerataconus in ny left eye and am short sighted in the other eye. I also have a lot of the stuff you guys here have.

Its so weird to have this thread and feel like I owe you guys sonething.

so what has that to do with amalgam fillings? kids often get ill and develop immunities as time goes on.

I had amoebic dysentery once which although correctly diagnosed straight away still dogged me for 9 months of treatment giving me symptoms similar to some of yours. However, another acquaintance of mine had similar symptoms and also wasn't responding to treatment. In the meantime, he decided to get some cosmetic dentistry due to tooth damage from reflux and within 2 weeks of having his metal fillings and crowns replaced with ceramic? alternatives, his symptoms started clearing up and 2 months later were gone.

Sounds plausible but my diet was changed dramaticaly qhen i got my first kidney stone (jan 6 2014) my diet changed dramatically and its a constant pain that hasnt gone away since before the stone, when my appendix burst i didnt eat for 13days and the pain was present the entire time, in that 13 days i drank water, chewed ice cubes and had a 3litre bottle of juice , 50% sugar reduced, that was my 2 week liquid diet

Yea well they say that all you need to do is to message them and send your demo tracks so I guess I will polish it up and send and see

um k. what're you studying?

Do you get motion sickness really easily?

I have similar symptoms though not as bad as yours, no memory loss. But I get car/plane/sea sick probably 8/10 journeys where I'm not the driver. Generally very light headed and dizzy alot of the time. Shit sucks bro.

Nobody cares you fucking faggot. Holy shit are you an embarrassment to your parents. I feel sorry for them.

No ulcerative colitis means you have ulcers in your intestines so eating food becomes extremely painful. But they trwat you with a corticosteroid called prednisone that really fucks your shit up with side effects like extreme insatiable hunger. I know this because I have a similar issue, crohns disease, an di get treated with the same shit whenever I'm having a flare. I shit blood about 8 times a day and can't eat vegetables because fiber makes me go into a flare and feel extreeeeme pain. I am going to die from my unhealthy diet or either have to get my intestines removed because I will develop holes in them from the inflammation of eating food. This guy is lucky that he eventually stopped getting his ulcerative colitis but my doctors have yet to find me a decent medication. Oh and also u take pills that cost me about 1000$ a month that completely take away my sex drive. Havent even felt like jacking it in over 6 months.

And to the guy with the extreme ball pain: go donate your testicles to University of Washington, they pay you 75k per ball. I have thought about doi g this since I never use mine haha... then just spend that shit on drugs and go out with some dignity.

Start taking opiates. It will get rid of the diarrhea at least unless you're in withdrawl

Do or did any of you guys smoke synthetic cannabis? A group of friends of mine who used to smoke that shit all have issues with our guts and our hearing, i dont see how 5 close friends all have menieres disease symptoms (1 diagnosed 1 trying to ignore it and 3 of us getting it investigated) we all have exactly the same issues with our stomachs too, it just seems to coincidental if you ask me

Oh ok didn't know what you meant. I got the fillings a very long time ago (around 10 years old. ) all the non dental problems came about 3 to 4 years ago when I worked at FedEx for a a few weeks. I worked myself so hard there I ended up throwing up and collapsing on the bathroom floor every night. That job didnt last long

Wtf did you think smoking fucking synthetic shit?

Computer Engineering but I dabble in everything and anything I can read. I also don't believe chemtrails don't serve a purpose.

Why do you ask? Crazy guess make you want to tell me off?

Was going to suggest crohns as a possible cause as well.

youtube.com/watch?v=SXpnI52cLEc

You can sell your ball?!!??! SERIOUSLY FUCKING SUPER SERIOUS IM SOOO POOR RIGHT NOW I'D SEEL BOTH MY BALLS AND MY LEFT EYEBALL AND HALF MY PENIS FOR 10 GRAND

yeah extremely easily, always have since I was a kid.

What is it? I smoked it and have stomach problems and ringing in my ears occasionally

Crohns and uc are both completely different diseases that both fall under the same category of ibd. Treated the same way though. I'm curious what kind of medication it took for you to reach remission? Colovax?

So if i flew over from new zealand tgeyd give me 75k usd for a nut that causes mw intense pain? Im keen as fuck, i begged them to remove it i mean fuck i looked into the cost and nearly got a loan, im over it ae its a hard thing to get over always having sore nuts, ive taken 30mg oxycodone imediate release 15mg of temazepam and 100mg of quetiapine i took it 2 hours ago coz i wanna sleep (115am here) and im sitting on my couch watchin youtube cause im sore as fuck, im over it

I wonder if we have the same medical problem.

Yep all the homeless here in seattle are doing it. 150k for both. At that point just do a caitlin and get a sex change tho.

do not take this advice. as a recover(ing) drug addict, opiates and benzos can AND WILL ruin your life even further.

I have constipated diarrhea. It means I crap out 100 percent water but I still won't come out. It's like when you punch a straw m like the colon is squeezed shut. Laxatives don't help as the crap is 100 percent liquid as It is.

Look into it brotha. UW has sick medical research.

Cancel surgery, lose the doctors, get off any psych meds they put on you.

Start EXERCISING, eat normal food, and that means fruit and vegetable, no soda pop, no fast food, no frozen shit.

Drink plenty of plain water, distilled water is best.

See if you don't feel a lot better. Diet and exercise.

I had a good paying job used to smoke weed failed drug test had 2 weeks to clean my pee, one of my bros friends offered me a cone and i was hooked, coming off it was intense, it was heavily advertised as being better then weed for you and we soon found out that was bullshit

you probably have either ulcerative colitis or crihns disease with complications such as an intestinal blockage or a fistula. Maybe go see a fucking doctor. Anyone with abdominal pain just go to the fucking doctor and get a sigmoidoscopy. If they try to give u a cr scan say fuck no cus its a waste and all it can determine is whether you have inflammation or not. They can also test your blood to check if your white cell count is above average which means your body is having an overactive immune response which points to crohns or UC because they are both hyperactive immune disorders. Once you get diagnosed you qualify for disability because they are all chronic lifelong diseases and get FREE MONEY FROM DA GUBMENT

THABK YOU GOD OH THANK YOU NOW I WON'T BE A POOR DUCK I WON'T HAVE BALLS BUT I'M UGLY AND WILL NEVER GET WOMEN ANYWAY AHAHHHAAAAAHHA IN CYRING IN SO HAPPY FINALLT HHHEHEHAJAJAHA AFINALLY HAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAH THANK YOU HAAAAAAHAHHHAH SO MUCH GOOD. LIFE IS FINALLY OK WITH 100 GEAND I CAN SRART BEING A sucess fUL CRIMINAL AND FINALLY MAKE A DECENT LIFE FOR MESELF WWAAAAAHHAAAAAAWAAAAAWAAAAHAAAAA

What do you mean what is it? If your talking the synths idk whats in it or what it really is, i kno thay since they made it illegal people buy mixed herbs and spray them with bleach, petrol random pills watered down etc etc let it dry and sell it to people but man its fucking peoples lives, i hope pot becomes legal here soon

thanks for this advice but already tried all of this.
complety changed my diet, balanced all my macros. no alcohol, no drugs. still took 6 weeks to recover from first second vertigo attack.

i had that, or at least those symptoms. ended up being a vestibular schwannoma/acoustic neuroma (VS is the modern term but it's a recent change so people still use it interchangeably with AN). Tumor growing on the 8th cranial nerve on one side. 8th CN is actual a cluster of three nerves, one is for hearing and two are for balance. Tumor grows in the "sheath" around the nerve and "chokes" the nerve, making it atrophy and fuck up. Memory loss could be from increased intracranial pressure or the tumor growing in such a way that it puts pressure directly on memory part.

Pretty easy to diagnose though, generally, if you've had an MRI so maybe not. Find it early enough and you might retain your hearing and balance after a time.

Np. Glad I could help. At least your happiness will impart meaning onto my worthless life haha

Thank you i will, for the sake of a 2k return ticket id be down, 75k usd is like 110k nzd

Ok, doesn't sound like the fillings issue. Might be crohns which can manifest after a stressed immune system.

Yeah, just got diagnosed with crohn's. Feel like my life is already over.

I've been to doctor appoinments for the past 3 years and iritable bowel is the best they could come up with. they said its not colitis or chrones by If they're wrong what's the fucking point of going to the doctor.

If it is colitis or chrones they couldn't tell even after doing a camera up the butt and down the throat.

Punishment for your faggotry. Die

Doc said it wasnt chrons

Had the same feeling when I was 24 (last year).
Couldnt continue uni because of constantly having heart arrythmia and chest tightness and other symptoms

I went jogging and it occurred more often. I was scared and thinking about having a heart attack soon.

After being at 3 cardiologists and doing all kinds of tests they've said there are extrasystoles but everything is fine with me and the heart.

Now I feel fine. Probably some gases which were causing a shitload of negative symptoms plus the anxiety that followed afterwards :)

yeah I did have an MRI and a CT scan, they said they didn't find anything concerning, I'll look into this though

I had amoebic dysentry that was resistant to treatment not crohns or ibs.

Same bruh. I almost died cus of the pain from eating. I got so anemic I would pass out and start seizing every time I would stand. Got onto corticosteroids tho and they helped. I still get flares every few months which keeps me out of school. Doctors think its because of stress of my father dying when I was 13 and having to grow up with a severely abusive mother. How are your symptoms? Whats your treatment? I'm on lialda every day too but I stopped taking it cus fuck the side effects. I used to be a vegetarian but now I cant even eat fucking fruit. Life sucks but food porn is now my go to. Why do you feel like your life is over? Crohns did the opposite to me. Made me more motivated to try and overcome the adversity. I'm also only 22, wb u fellow crohnie?

Yea ive gone through the butt and gut cameras well they never got the camera through my nose because my body was fighting it the hole way but the colonoscopy was clean af like absolutely spotless, i couldnt eat for 2 days and hadto shove a laxative up my ass to evacuate my bowls before the procedure, interesting times

Damn I had clostridium difficil. It probably caused my crohns. Just sayin same could have happened

Helo helo im here wit veri bad dissease is very pain cant col mysel can hard do nomral thing i having helpre come ovre to help and give fod and help things it not god lief but id life ansyways is bad bit kep gongi forward is worth it frend

Fuck doctors. They gave me an anti diarrhoeal when I had clostridium difficil which is the ONE FUCKING THING YOURE NOT SUPPOSED TO. the pain was so intense I wanted to just kill myself and it probably damaged my shit irreprably and is why I have crohns now. The doctors wont admit it but I still think about suing their fucking ignorant shit.

leukemia, with another colony growing on my leg.

i don't wanna become a cripple

i don't know what to do with my life

:(

That stuff isnt laxitive. Its liquid ass explosives. I went outside with that in me to see how far I could shit gun it. Made it 17 feet

I'm sorry man. But get that shit taken care of. Lose the leg if you have to. They have bionic shit thats twice as good. Also read the poem invictus. The author wrotw that shit with one leg.

There have been 2 cases where i cpuld have sued a doctor and a dentist (but not dentist the one that deals with gums.) I was too nice though. I hate conflict. If a doctor pissesme off enough for me tto sue thwm ill kidnap there family and then and make them eat their own family alive theen eat them and vomit them into a volcanoe

Thak yuo is not easy livnig but is manage make wotrh every dya to waking know not is ded but onw dya dissese may takes

All i could say is fight it mate you need tobe mentally strong, my fiances grandad, 78, woke up 2 weeks ago with chest pain, fell outa bed cracked his head open and broke his leg, turnes out he ripped his aorta and also has an embilism (not sure if correct spelling) in his other leg, this happened at 4am in the morning, he was on his 26th day of kemo therapy and was already week, he aas in an induced coma for 9 days has over 40hours of surgery left and has already had just under 50hours surgery 26 hours was the longest surgery, hes still alive and being a grumpy and cheeky old bugger in hoapital, if he can fight through this, you can fight through your demons, good luck mate i believe in ya

Stay strong brotha. My crohns and constant pain sucks but it made me stronger and taught me to appreciate life. Sometimes a sunset or song is so beautiful that I just start to cry tears of joy. This is almost a daily occurence. Even in pain life is the most beautiful gift you could ever receive. STAY STRONG BOIS IT WILL GET BETTER PLEASE BELIEVE ME

i was on my way to becoming a f3 pilot, then after we thought leukemia had been treated and i lost my chance, i was gonna enlist.
how is any of this fair?

Yip it was intense, managed to hold it in for just under 2 minutes then exploded violently, thay shit was crazy mayne

Nothing is fair. I had several chances to become a millionaire in my early teens but instead had a psychopathic mom actively destroying my life and got diagnosed with crohns instead. But I love every second of life. Getting through hardship is what makes you really love every moment of life. Just get through it however you have to. People are out there. Reach out. Let me know if you need anything friend. Thinking about what could have been is shitty. You have to move on and think of what can be in a positive attitude. Love is out there and it is beautiful. It is never too late for anything.

Yuo sai nice word with god meanings and ispirations gave, is treu life improtnat and not gives to pain winning for you need loses to not give winnings to keep goingofr life every dya kep going for war frend

currently studying neuro/biochem double diploma to look into treating ALS.

not actually sick yet, but my mother's bloodline has had an awful luck with this shit. i ain't about to be another victim

Your memes touch my heart friendo. Godspeed.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstances
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeoning of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

worth a look, if nothing else. the surgery is a fucking bear and the disability afterward affects you in a lot of subtle and not so subtle ways. it sucks. good luck though. i'd normally chastise you and try to get you to livestream your suicide or whatever, but i definitely have empathy.

This, getting a chuckle out of someone is like my reason for existing.

i used to believe in karma, that every bad thing would be a quarter in a good luck jar that would cash out eventually. but now that i've been kicked and shat on after falling down, is it even worth living?

I AM THE MASTER OF MY FATE
I AM THE CAPTAIN OF MY SOUL

>sick growing up
>adopted so family calls birth mom
>apparently just something that happens with all the kids in my bloodline
>claims its like we just run through all the sick we'll ever get in our lifetimes age 0-14 then i'm in the clear
>oddly enough she's not wrong as i never get the same sickness twice, nor even poison ivy or the flu
>be 12
>parents hit some financial issues
>start taking it inward into family life
>dad pimpslaps me for being sick again so i knock some of his teeth out and threat a social service call cause i'm full of hormone angst
>mum breaks his nose for hitting me
>both sit me down and tell me i just have to not complain anymore unless i'm REALLY sick
>fine
>throat gets itchy maybe 2 days later
>ignore it
>13th birthday comes around
>start coughing fresh blood now instead of coagulated blood
>can't afford it, ignore it
>occasionally lose hearing and get tunnel vision
>ignore it
>pretty much everythings hurting now pretty badly
>ignore that too with some ibuprofen
>14 now and people tell me i've never looked healthier
>been throwing myself at gym, weightlifting, football training, and after school wrestling training cause i actually feel good physically afterwards
>collapse and blackout at the end of my warm up run
>wake up in hospital 4 days later
>apparently i was running a 108F so they ice bathed me before i started coughing up then vomitting blood which started a nose bleed they had to cauterize before giving me a transfusion

Is god memmepictre abot frends ship and unifies of difrent peple in form of memse and picturr cab touch many of peple from yong to old

>turns out i've have rheumatic fever and for quite some time as far as they can tell
>ask why i never told anyone about how sick i must have been
>delirious so i mumble something about parents telling me not to say anything
>manage to clear the ensuing shit storm that brought up
>get fixed up but shits bad
>had that shit during one of my bigger portions of physical growth and exercise
>says my hearts too big and tissues to thick as a side effect
>damaged lungs that bleed for literally no reason
>cartilage that usually turns to bone during pubery hasnt fully or properly calcified in hands and the joints in the arms, shoulders, and knees
>all other joints are fucked with thinner than average cartilage and the sockets aren't formed right so only muscle tension really holds shit in place
>stomach fauna is dead and the restore they attempted wasn't even 1/4 successful
>retina isn't look great either
>hearing damage

>fast forward a decade
>arthritis pretty much everywhere
>hands occasionally lose all feeling unless I specifically stretch my wrists and shoulders to unfuck the nerve being crushed
>shoulders require 5 surgeries each and I can't even afford one
>knees have bone spurs that are getting worse
>gout
>corneal damage finally popped up ontop of the macular degeneration thats endemic to my family
>neck might need surgical fusion
>thyroids dying
>kidneys and liver are dying and I don't drink
>stomach gets ulcers almost instantly if I don't take my omeprazole
>several surgeries to fix the hernia and holes in my digestive tract from that
>brain damage from the fever that i had for who knew how long started to show
>brain can't properly parse and memory isn't trustworthy
>teeth are going from the acid reflux
>have to wear a prescription so bad that they're half an inch even with the thinning technology
>wear knee and hand wraps, bandage up my shoulders, and compression socks for the feet so shit doesn't slip out of place when i do shit
>coughing blood basically every day now
>deaf in right ear with hearing aid in left
>life is pain
>warned against sex now cause it could stop my heart after last time
>hairs started to go now too

MRI's came back yesterday and they're pretty sure i got cancer in my pancreas and testicles that apparently are separate cases that arose at the same time as a double middle finger from god.

Fuck karma. Fuck anything that doesn't benefit you. Life is worth living if you look for what is worth it. I found nature, movies, culture, music, drugs, food, love. I can from such a dark place so close to death and such extreme pain at one point I almost ended it and would have been thankful it was over at the time. But now that things are bearable, the stark comparison makes the simplest things ogasmically beautiful to me. Things will get better but it takes a lot of hope, a lot of hard work, determination and discipline. It helped that i am a stubborn and vindictive bastard. If life tries to fuck me I don't let it and fuck it back by not giving up and ignoring the pain. Get angry. It's like that bitch of an ex gi rlfriend who says you'll never go anywhere. Would you just roll over and agree? FUCK NO. SHOW THAT BITCH WHAT YOU ARE REALLY MADE OF. WE ALL HAVE STEEL UNDERNEATH OUR FLESHY EXTERIOR. FIND YOURS. WE HAVE BALLS FOR A REASON. WE ARE FUCKING MEN. WE RULE THIS UNIVERSE.

fucking sucks dude, i'm not gonna tell you that it gets better, cause it's not. but if you ever need someone to die with, i'm here with ya