Cred Forums I fucked up and I don’t know who else to turn to. I just got out on bail from the local police station. My parents paid the bail, but they’re super mad at me. Court stuff is still pending. But the worst part is that I might get killed in a week’s time when my neighbor gets home and finds out what I did. It’s a long story, but bear with me.
> be me > born into upper middle class family, but living in the middle of redneck country in Buttfuck, Nowhere > father was a huge computer nerd in the 80s and 90s > mother is totally different, totally superstitious, believes in Zodiac, etc. > met in college and married right away > dad cofounded a small company with a dorm-mate, doing some e-commerce stuff > says he invented click-to-buy, but I don’t believe him > anyways, he was struggling to pay the bills, because there was no market acceptance for his work > on top of all that, my mom got pregnant with me, bc. redneck and no birth control > this was around 1996 when the dot-com boom hit > dad’s company suddenly worth millions and one month later I was born > happiest time for my parents > dad is happy that he made it despite all odds. Mom is happy that I was born in June, which makes me a Gemini > they decide to call me Dave after David Hasselhoff who was a huge star at the time. > fml, right? Wrong. > parents loved me and I had an awesome childhood > gave me all the toys I wanted and always threw the best birthday parties for me > it’s surprising I had so many friends because I was always a complete autist, but now I know they were just bribing the other kids to like me > the one thing I always wanted, but could never get was a pet > mom’s a complete OCD freak and into feng-shui, so an animal would have completely messed with her chi. Anyways, a dog or a cat was completely out of question
ok, you fuckers dont seem interested, but I dont think you could give me valuable advice anyway, so at this point i'm just venting.
> have neighbor, who is a complete redneck. Got rich with a local chain of fast food restaurants. > makes whole neighbourhood crazy by firing guns in the back of his house > thinks he’s the king of all rednecks > has a huge ass bald eagle he calls Freedom. tacky af > one day redneck neigbour has to leave town. Asks my dad to feed his eagle while he’s gone > dad refuses at first, but I overhear the conversation and make him accept > i hate the neighbor but this means I can play with the neighbor’s guns and hang out with his bird while he’s gone fuckyea.jpg > dad isn’t thrilled, but it’s 2016, I’m technically a grown man and he can never say no to me anyway > get keys from neighbor and go over to his house as soon as he’s gone > the eagle is sitting on a perch in a shabby-ass shed in the back of the house > the shed is covered in bird shit and you could tell the neighbor barely takes care of the eagle > fucking redneck show off mentality > have an idea > grab a hold of the chain which keeps the bird on the perch > put on a glove and get the bird to perch on my hand > decide to treat the eagle to a little sunlight and go outside of the shed > i have the bird in one hand and the chain in the other. whatcouldpossiblygowrong.jpg > outside the bird gets really excited. Starts squawking and beating its wings. > bird starts snapping its gigantic beak into my face > frightened, I use both hands to cover my face in self-defence > of course I let go of chain and bird uses the opportunity to escape forever ohfuckohfuckohfuck.gif > eagle is now circling overhead with the chain still attached to his leg > realise what happened. Realise I let the bird go like a dumbass. Realise neighbor is gonna shoot me when he finds out I lost the one thing that made him the king of rednecks in the area.
Brody Gray
How does this get you arrested
Camden Rodriguez
Was going to jail related?
Jason Bell
that's not the part that gets me arrested, that's the part that's going to get me killed. i'm writing the rest now. hold on.
Ethan Campbell
This is why you pretype shit.
Thomas Sullivan
He shot the bird obviously.
Zachary Richardson
Stop with the green texting shit and just get to the point you fucking autist
Parker Wright
i'm getting to it!
Brody Barnes
Hurry the fuck up
Hudson Ross
Guy's - I'm kill.
Call 911
Gabriel Flores
whoever took that picture should be put down alongside the diabeetus cow in the image.
Evan Perez
You lost a red necks bald eagle. Yea your dead dude. Tell your parents you love them and accept your fate. If you've seen the clip of Achilles calling out Hector in Troy. You're basically Hector accepting death. Minus the cool fight scene.
Chase Ward
Write the thing before making the thread next time
Jayden Murphy
You did the bird a favor. Also flee the state. It was time to move out of your parents house anyways.
Connor Cook
some guy here says that I shoot the bird, but this didnt even enter my mind at the time
> first thing i thought was that i need to intercept the bird when he lands for a break. That chain has got to be heavy. > jump into car and start following the eagle. Eyes half on the bird, half on the road. > bird seems to be heading towards the nearby wilderness. > gotta drive fast as fuck so I don’t miss him > the bird should land any moment. That fucking chain is dragging him down. nope.jpg > the chase is lasting for hours, with me always trailing him > driving reckless now. Almost crashing into oncoming traffic on several separate occasions. > suddenly sirens behind me justwhatineeded.mov > been chasing the bird for too long to stop. Figure that prison is probably better than getting shot by my neighbor > can’t let the bird get away. He’s gonna land any moment. > I’m trailing the bird and the police is trailing me for what seems like at least half an hour already > suddenly there’s a police roadblock up ahead > cannot go around it. Have to accept my fate. Slam on my breaks and pull over. Lose sight of bird.
Sebastian Harris
Not sure if I want pizza rolls or a sandwich for the rest of this story.
Adam Peterson
The upper middle class breeds the stupidest fucking people
Christian Brooks
Keeping a bald eagle as a pet is illegal in the USA. It's our fucking national symbol.
Bullshit made-up story, but in the imaginary world of OP, you did the redneck a favor by eliminating his crime.
Lincoln Richardson
Cont. > a bunch of very angry police officers run up to me, guns drawn. > yell at me to keep my hands on the steering wheel where they can see them > one of them opens the door, drags me out and cuffs me, all while a dozen guns are pointed at my head > shout me down whenever I try to say anything about letting me go and not letting the bird escape > carry out a thorough search of my car, looking for weapons, drugs or signs of crime > realize they have no explanation as to why I was speeding and refused to stop > finally one of them gets completely exasperated and starts screaming at me > WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ESCAPING FROM THE POLICE > at this point I’m nervous as fuck and blurt out the first thing that comes to my mind
> One morning in June > some twenty years ago > I was born a rich man's son > I had everything that money could buy, > but freedom I had none
> I've been looking for freedom > I've been looking so long > I've been looking for freedom > Still the search goes on > I've been looking for freedom > since I left my home town > I've been looking for freedom > Still it can't be found
Jonathan Ortiz
This... is... garbage...
Carson Hernandez
Screencap me when this goes to reddit
Carson Turner
Gee, you probably thought this was really funny. I can picture you gigling like a school girl just before clicking post. Because spoiling a green text with song lyrics is so original. You really got one over on us. I mean seriously, you are so fresh with this obvious OC. It was like; we thought we would be reading your story about something that actually happened in your life, but then BOOM! Bushwhack city. Idiot.
Jonathan Roberts
This is getting so long that your neightbour Will come before the storie ends
Owen Williams
not funny/10
Lincoln Garcia
op u gay
Ryan Phillips
It would help if I knew what shithole song you were referencing, but as I don't listen to garbage I doubt it would make a difference faggot. 1/10, made me scroll
