- I once officiated a cricket-spitting contest

Impressive, but i once shit off a skyscraper roof deck

You better habeeb it

Must have been a mickeys...

I am a professional reverend and also an atheist.

Checkd, ya heathen

Helped save 3 fishermen after they had been 7 days on a liferaft.

I can fly planes

I flip my testicles above my penis when I sit down to either poop or pee.

I fail to see how this bottle can break physics on it's own, but I guess some US liquors have super powers idk

I've been in the esa programme to go on the first manned mission to mars until 3 months ago. I left the programme because my wife of 5 years got pregnant. Life sucks sometimes...

...

What happened?
Compensation?

Not the big one. The 12oz variety has a wide mouth. Look again. I think he's full of shit, but whatever.

I made a thread once and I am straight

I have performed CPR on and successfully revived 5 adults and 1 small child.

I have taken a shit in Stephen King's house.

I love what esa and others do in term of space exploration but I seriously don't see the point of a manned mission. Anyway it's probably a very long term project, right ?

-I have ridden a freight train across the Sahara desert

-between the ages of around 14-22, I didn't once poop in a toilet except when in a public place. I preferred to weave a mat of TP on the floor, poop on it, and deposit it in the toilet without fear of splashback.

I know an American who isnt fat

Had my thumb taken off by an escaped police dog, got 60k. Thumb works but its not 100percent. Got 30k after a bus hit me and broke my knee

how did she know?

>led an impromptu naked choral group around a festival campsite
>i killed a man with ibuprofen
>wife and hot best friend are upstairs getting ready and i'm hanging out on Cred Forums

>Troll rating 2/10

Did you say "no homo" when clicking the post button ? Otherwise you're gay man, sorry.

Any failed attempts ?

>I don't understand why learning to survive on planets other than our own is useful

I haven't had sex in 9 years, and I really don't care.

is the baby yours? i thought you guys were locked in isolation in antarctica?

Its true tho

I am responsible for creating or contributing to several of the ancientfag era memes that you most likely recognise or, have at some point, saved to your hard drive. I have never been compensated in any way for the ultimate use of these images, despite their widespread use, even though I am the original intellectual property holder legally, I have been unable to claim ownership for anything. Things have ended up on tshirts, for example, and seem to be considered public domain. You're welcome, faggots.

This one ill give 6/10 for wit

Wow. Fukken WOOOWWW !!

>-between the ages of around 14-22, I didn't once poop in a toilet except when in a public place. I preferred to weave a mat of TP on the floor, poop on it, and deposit it in the toilet without fear of splashback.

I've had sex with Margot Robbie

I haven't had sex in the 19 years of my existence

youtube.com/watch?v=s1X2b0kq9EE&feature=share

such as?

Summerfag

Jelly.

I like to imagine these things happening all on the same day.

Is this about human species survival ? I don't really believe it's worth it. Maybe if we invent an efficient interstellar travel method but we're far from that.

on Cred Forums this isn't even remotely hard to believe

pics of hot asian wifu please

Yeah, Summer 2012 maybe

lucky son of a bitch

I've had mine since 1995.

That's pretty impressive.

Cancer, then.
Nice to see one of my own.

I've had a buffet at one of the hairy bikers houses.

I help distribute millions of hits of lsd to Illinois, Kansas, Michigan, Wisconsin, iowa, Missouri, and Colorado all from Minneapolis, MN in the early 90's. If you did any white blotter, rainbow, blue shield, orange or pink sunshine in those states from 90-93 it was probably ours

IQ 160

I have had sex in:
-A sea cave while the tide was coming in (RPing as Sicilian smugglers)
-A mountain top in a popular US National Park
-On a secluded beach in the Persian Gulf by the light of a full moon, during a meteor shower

>it take a lot of effort to save our species so we shouldn't even try

I last hours in the bedroom.
Sex is not enjoyable for me.

I once had sex in the missionary position for the sole purpose of procreation.

I don't believe you

I've been fucking my cousin for many years once or twice a year. I'm bored with it because she's gotten fat and crazy. Now I'm stuck with it because I don't want her to let the cat out of the bag.

Any tips for getting into that line of work?
Any recipes for making it?

Can't just drop a bombshell like that and not even describe what it was like.

Going to a world with no oxygen, no water, and no life.
B8 harder.

It's realy easy, just mix bleach with ammonia and blow bubbles with a straw until it crystalizes.

>failed attempts
Dozens. Too many to ever remember. Is fine tho. I see people die regularly. Ambulance life.

That I would not care to work 6 codes in one day... And my first code was years after I met Mr. King.

I met her when she lived in Melbourne. She was on the Australian show Neighbours at the time. We dated for about 1 year and a half. Broke up when she left the show and went to the US.

YOU SICK FUCK

MODS MODS MODS

E lo hell
I'm not that new m80

3 angled blue, you are my hero.

is there any possible way that you guys could get a foothold in north texas? shit is hard to find where i live.

thx brb

don't forget to do it in a cool dry place with no direct light or windows. shits sensitive to moisture in the air

the willfully ignorant are to be hated and nothing else.

(i'm talking about you)

I didn't make it I just tested 10-25 hits a day for months on end. I do not recommend it. And I sold huge amounts. I've seen sheets stacked as thick as phone books on the table waiting to go out. It just kinds feel into my lap. I was an inner city kid and most of my friends where skinheads or punx it just so happened one of the skinheads was aso a Chem major at the u

Thanks to my job I'm around 11-15yo girls all the time.
>sometimes they fight over who gets to sit next to me
>once three girls made a schedule on who got to sit in my lap during a bus ride
>got invited to a all girl slumber party by a 14yo. She was serious.
>some of the girls grow up to have bfs that look suspiciously like me
>hand holding, hugging, piggy backing, tickling and headpatting is routine
All this and I'm neither a pedo nor have I done anything illegal.

I fucked Morgan Webb at E3 2004. Was writing for kikizo.com. No pics. No, it wasn't worth it.

I am the CEO of a biotech company, my net worth is approximately 54.6 million dollars.
I have a PhD in electrical engineering and an MBA, and live in a luxury high rise apartment in Manhattan.
I am also a 38 year old virgin due to the fact I have a micro penis and suffer from severe anxiety of anyone seeing it.

It's was in the 90's we all kinda grew up and moved on. Also 2 of the major playersgot busted and did time

Puerto Rican detected.

So, you're a youth pastor?

get a penis enlargement

does money buy happiness?

During my military service I threatened a fellow female soldier with my gun, kicked a fellow soldier in the head, cursed the cooks in my unit, threw chairs violently and refused an order to go back to the kitchen to clean dishes, I screamed my CO and refused his orders several times and I choked a higher ranked non-officer commander, all without getting thrown to jail during my 3 years of service. To this day, I justify all of these acts, and blame them on the people I acted upon, except maybe for refusing some orders my CO gave me.

U still talk to Thad?

In the 1980's I knew the nuclear launch codes for the entire United States Army.

> yes, the Army had nukes, and the codes have been changed.

what no

> Doesn't know the term NCO, fail

Lol I'm worth more than u and I don't have a college degree. 86.4 mill.
Real estate in the west village. 26 years old.

Get fucked old man.

I hope you are being sarcastic. If not then damn you're stupid. The guy who's giving you instructions is trying to poison you, there's a whole video on youtube about a post on Cred Forums that caused many idiotic people to nearly die

00000000

Yeah. The part of the programme we are all preparing technology to sirvive in harsh vonditions is marked to be obe of the last parts. After this stage we will be working on the spacecraft to get us there in cooperation with companies in that field. I still work in that part with esa too. Bit i won't go to mars sadly.

Looked into it, so far no medical options are suitable to my situation.

Having money doesn't make you happy like you might imagine, it just makes life a lot easier, and being unhappy and rich is more fun than unhappy and broke.

>get fucked
user, did you even read his post?

U drive a cool car?

U live in that building the spire?

i know right only 54 million? lol what a fuckin loser

I have never gotten dubs.

Lol I guess your right. He doesn't get fucked.

what a fuckin plot twist

Good for you man.

I fucked a chick at her house while her uncle was in the next room, after she told him I work for her ISP.He was paraplegic.I also fucked the same chick,at night, on a playground owned by an organization that specializes in housing kids with disabilities.

I heard that term, I forgot it. I'm not a native English speaker and translating military related terms is difficult for the most of it.

How is a person's net worth calculated?

Do you mean thalidomide because last I heard he went to work for the government after his jail time

i know i was trolling him ive been here since 08

In between the trainings in isolation, family members were allowed to visit us. That bitch got sick and took antibiotics wich had a effect on the pill so she got pregnant... i guess it's mine because i know for sure she would never cheat on me. If so she would be dead immediatly.

Thanks man.

If your ever down town I'll have lunch with you. We can slay high end prostitutes and if they make fun of your micro peepee we will kick them the fuck out. I'm not even joking.

Bruh he still cooks I'm sittin on his crystal right now.

Assets - Liabilities

Is that how Space Brothers will end?

Im dating a 16 year old, im 19...

Up until the middle I questioned the reason you were on Cred Forums, then I understood

Oh, I see, not the US military. I missed that. Sorry!

Do you guys really need to add that decimal point? What's another couple hundred grand when you're already in double digit millions?

I'm not a fag.

Atleast 25% of my skeleton is titanium, consequently i have many blood deficiencies and shortages, my blood is kinda uncommon its -o and my toxicity level was 7% which is good for me. Despite that i am a hard worker and do well for myself. I am a self made man not any help from my parents and i was able to buy a 1972 chavelle on my own at the age of 20 and i was already being paid 38$ an hour full time with travel and benefits. The best part of it all is that i get it working hard since i am dumb as a box of hammers...i also never went to school till half way through 7th grade. So i only got 5.5 years of schooling. Right after highschool they took me on government circutry for 20$ an hour till they discovered how hard a worker i am now all the contractors love me and try to steal me from jobsites and projects.

>-between the ages of around 14-22, I didn't once poop in a toilet except when in a public place. I preferred to weave a mat of TP on the floor, poop on it, and deposit it in the toilet without fear of splashback.

It's still more money that you have!

A couple of hundred grand is a lot of money.

how did she know?

like wolferine

I have to assume that's a breaking bad reference which I never watched.

Dubs of truth.
Seen worse.
16 yo friend I had in HS dated a guy who was 22. They fucked regularly.
You get any pussi?

I have the kind of looks that makes young teenaged girls hit on me on the subway and streets. Not every day. But about once a month at least.
40-50yo mothers also have a thing for me, they never hit on me just let me get away with shit, feed me pastries and cookies or generally smile stupidly at me. All other types of females give no shits about me.

I'm 37

Remember they're kids at heart so they count money like kids count age.

I have a pretty much stock Aston Martin DB9, I'm not a huge car person.
I have couple international properties on airfields where I have competition sailplanes.

When I was 17 my first job was at Target. My team leader was a skinny 20-something tomboy chick, maybe like a 6/10 but she was tight and always horny af. She lived with her boyfriend at his parent's house, so the first time I "dated" her was driving around in the woods with a 30 rack of shitty beer cuz I tried to talk up my game and had maybe 3? We fucked outside and just kept hanging out for a few months while she was living with this dude. I used to go to his house and pick her up in the middle of the night so we could get drunk/high and fuck. We did this for about a month until he found out and kicked her out of the house.

It's a hippy L reference and you never were involved with any LSD distribution.

Calling your bluff loser.

>broke my arm on a chess tournament

>had chances to make it pretty far in chess, but not interested enough

>I eat and drink nearly nothing and sleep 11+ hours a day

how big is your dick fully erect?

>I've had sex with a human female
>I made her orgasm
>I made her pregnant
>She had the baby
>We are now married with three kids
>We are still in love with each other
>We still have satisfying sex regularly
>I have a good job I like
>I'm not obese

Posted before but
>at gig in mid nineties it was one of these promotion gigs in central Manchester and Courteney love was one of the acts (I'm not a fan but free so whatever) so we're having a good time and shit Courteney comes on stage and midway through her set she stage dives, wearing a white mesh tank top and a checked miniskirt and fishnets now I'm not right at the front maybe 5 rows back of this medium sized place maybe 500/600 people max but she gets carried my way legs akimbo and basically nearly being dragged into the crowd I see my chance and thrust two digits inside her two or three good pumps and I'm out pussy smelt like sweat heroin and cobains jizz and grey matter like she hadn't washed that shit since he blew his brains out.

She lives in a different country
but Idec about pussy that much
but shes amazing, Its not too bad I guess, shes faithful and we won't meet till im done with te military
She'll be 18 by then.
I feel like if I was 21, then id be a no go but idk it doesnt feel too wrong.

I have a net worth of 200.3 thousand friendo.

That's dope. I drive a Subaru cause I need to keep my money discrete cause I'm young and loud and obnoxious and it makes people uncomfortable sometimes. I also wear tye dyes and shit. They almost didn't let me into the Bouley cause I was in a sweater no tie.

Do you fish? U wanna go fishing bruh? I got a little boat up on 72nd.

About 5cm

This isn't hard to believe at all

...

Cute! I can buy a small condo!

You can think what you want. Hippy L is not a term I ever heard here in minneapolis. But I know what I did and don't care if you belive it or not.

I have no unbelievable claim to make about myself, because I'm the dullest person on Earth, and have nothing going for me, at all.

>you're on Cred Forums
this doesn't add up

You're lying faggot.

I don't believe you

That was a tranny look a like dude

I always get dubs

never singles

>5cm
Americans dont use cm lying faggot GTFO

One time I saved a retarded transgendered fellow from a burning donut store.

Fuck

>tfw you pretend to sell lsd
>tfw you claim to have seen stacks of sheets but have never seen the crystal getting broken down
>tfw u say you test 20 hits a day but we both know that but the 10th hit in a 24 hour period your just wide open and not peaking any more
>tfw u watched slc punk and think your tough
>tfw you probably don't even know where to get ergot
>tfw u think thalidomide is what I'm talking about because you listen to NOFX
>tfw you'll probably say you never heard of the grateful dead
>tfw ur a fuckng loser.

I've been an electrical engineer for 16 years, 8 of which were spent doing research in Germany.
I use SI units, sorry.

You'd be suprised how wealthy and well adjusted some of us are. Only true idiots presume to know other people. Of course for you to feel good about yourself you have to expect we're all fat neckbeard virgins or cucks. It's how you cope with your own inadequacies. Alas, this comment will be ignored by you, to your own detriment.

Good for you. Would you like a medal. I have nothing to gain by lying nor do I have anything to lose from someone on the Internet not believing me.

I fucked your girl with a baby inside then that baby had a baby with rabies and didn't survive.

In my senior year of high school I dated a pretty qt black girl (half nig reporting in), anyway she was really horny and was always trying to fuck. I left her because she was pregnant with her last boyfriends' baby.
>Tf when I deleted my Facebook and left all social media because she stalked me after it was over.

why and/or how

Tfw net worth 12k , i-im rich right guys ?

this is both uninteresting and believable
fuck outta this thread my man

shkreli is that you

Dem fam kelt emm

I just turned 18 and I only have 1 friend, who I am very close to, but he lives in another city. I am a highschool drop out diagnosed with high-functioning autism, aka aspergers.

Got no clue what to do with my life or where to go, and it feels like im being pulled into a life of crime and drugdealing.

...

I was sold on Martin......but he seems to have no phd.....

Typical nigger.

Kek

>I run a "cult"

all of my posts are dubz

i created this meme

How's your face, buddy?

This is the hardest one to believe

That's not unbelievable, that's automatically what assume about 65% of Cred Forums users.

>life of crime and drugdealing

It's probably the best for, that way when Tom Cruise knocks a bag off the table, you'll be able to instantly count all the nugs due to your super retard counting skills.

Shit happens, no harm done. Happy Cred Forumsirthday.

Welp, you're posting on Cred Forums, so the autism part is definitely correct. Welcome to the family son

I fucked a girl in a church

Made me kek, although I'm a diffrent kind of autismoboy than that.

Why 65% exactly?

probably because he himslef has a low IQ

I'm a lawyer who's been praised by name in a Privy Council judgment.

Or count the amount of dicks coming towards him in prison.

I am actually asexual, and it isn't even an excuse to be a virgin

79% of percent averages are made up

I once jeopardized national security to document a high functioning retard telling a story.

Because 65% was the first reasonable sounding estimate to pop in my head.

Who would want a sperg dealer?

Thanks but I've been here since my friend showed it me when I was 13. pls no ban

I DDOS'd my school district and shut their entire ISP down and was thought to be some master hacker when all I did was press a button.

In order to not get arrested I said I was going to kill myself. It worked.

fingered a 11 yo girl, her idea

I am genuinely a University professor at Cambridge in England teaching Astronomy and planetary science and I am based at Wolfson college.
I married my Uni girlfriend whose whole family are loaded and her grandfather has a title (Lord).
My job is easy, my studies were easy, my pay is brilliant and I get 14 weeks paid holiday a year.
100% true.

I was in an Apple commercial 21 years ago when I was a 8.

Me and my friends once rapped about bears on national television.

Alex is that you?

I'm Andy Samberg.

I am a self made millionaire and I don't tell anyone in real life.
I made close to 2 million euros in profit from 2005-2010 and then I just kind of quit. Bought some stupid stuff.
Ever since I have been living off dividends and ROI on my 2 properties. Average lifestyle, but I don't do anything worth talking about all day (I am on here for example).

I do not give a fuck about your money or your dick, wanna have a beer some time?
That is if you ever happen to come to germany again.

Fuck off he's not a real person.

i have burned a family

That's alot of assumptions. I never said I made it I said I sold it I large quanities and helped spread it. I knew the place it was made never saw it applied. You also forgot that after days and days of doing it you feel like it's coming out of your skin and you feel bad and disconnected. Never saw slc punk didn't like nofx they where too popy. Thalidomide was a punk in Minneapolis that got nail for computer stuff got out and went to work for the feds. I went to 2 rainbow gatherings and stayed in a camp with the other punx because I couldn't stand the fucking hippies. And ergot poisoning is the poor man's lsd I assume from all the empty Chem containers I saw around that they didn't use grain mold. I bet your one of those that used to say shit was dipped or double dipped instead of understanding it applied in microns. I'm done with you go suck a drainbows dick for a pancake a day at the communal kitchen

You don't notice I'm an aspie just by talking to me or stuff like that. I was diagnosed when I was 17 because I had problems with the social services and had to go to a shrink and she said son ur autismo.

is it on youtube? can you link it?

you raped bears on television?
doubt it

That's not hard to believe, faggot

I am the world authority on a specific field of academic research, and published the typological classification system now used worldwide.

So you're 15?

How'd you make the money?
What'd you invest in?

I'm in your class then,
Martin Whitehouse.
Check it professor rim job.
Actually a non practicing MD.

fuckin jew

Unlike the copy/pasta, I was a Royal Marine for 14 years and have killed a number of combatants.
I enjoyed it and feel no remorse or any guilt, I knew what I was getting into, I knew what I was doing and I didn't have to rationalize it to fell OK about it.
PTSD is for pussies.

Shrinks are often wrong.

Problems with the social services? How so?

No, been to see doctor, who confirmed it.

Then it's working.

Did you ever feel the urge to rub one out when a wounded shitskin was moaning in pain?

I used to be a crackhead. Now I am a prosecutor.

No you are not.

75% sure you're at least a quarter Jewish

Fucking nigger.

>That's not hard to believe

Joke's on you, didn't happen.

Ever run into someone you knew from the other side?

I'm a girl btw

jew.

You'll never know

Nope.
They say death is an aphrodisiac, but when you're in an FOP with 40 other blokes, it makes that kind of thing totally weird.

Crabbing?

Teacher sent me to school shrink, school shrink sent me to real shrink, real shrink sent me to specialized shrink.

I showed signs of PTSD, psychosis devolpment and depression so i said I did drugs to help them figure out wtf was wrong

>asexual
>medical confirmation
>mfw

So... You're 16?

human beings do not have the correct functions to become asexual
there is no possible way that follows any biological law that a doctor could confirm your asexual faggotry
and if he did, then you should probably report him for medicinal malpractice

I wonder if someone believes me

this post is underrated.

no one cares

I'm 9/10 had sex with everyone I ever wanted, friends with benefits with my ex's sister, do drugs on baisis. everyone keeps sayng im very gifted and I tend to inspire ppl around me when all I really do is shitpost irl

I had to talk to about 7 of them, not just one time either

gibe story

>Asexual
>Real
Choose one, and only one.

kike kys

I got a "5" on my ap physics 1 test, only around the top 4.7~percent(may not remember percentile exactly correct)
Everyone in the class was a super preppy kid, when I was just an autistic fuck who thought physics was cool.
>learn the concepts well and quickly
>accepted into class without prerequisite math
>learn new math as I go along, just radians with vector components and trig
>math part actually not that hard
>get garbage grades from shit work ethic where I only do a fraction of the assignments

There was a question on the AP test I didn't know the answer to so I drew a pirate in the short response box with a speech bubble saying "aye!" And next to the speech bubble I wrote "don't know"
>like thirty minutes left to check my work
>already checked it anyway.
>turn page on test
>"you may do your work or freely use this page"
>instant rapist sized grin
>"JET FUEL CAN'T MELT STEEL BEAMS"
>start drawing pictures of Spiderman
>write the following shit-
>this is now a Spiderman test
>hey! Did somebody say Spiderman test?
>I declare a Spiderman test
>...
>get my scores months later
>squint at computer monitor
>literally a perfect score for shitposting on my exam
>laughs like a supervillian for 269 to 420 seconds straight
>my parents are fucking pissed
>don't care and keep laughing like lelouch vi Britannia
>senior year, look down on normies who didn't take an AP class

Yes I did. A kid that sold me crack, who recognised me. I pretended I didn't know him.

Yes.

I have had to give my fiance CPR twice now because I have choked her to death during sex. Scary shit.

dude, thats quite regular.
i'm 23 and i'm dating a 17 year old girl. its also legal in my country, get jelly fgts.

I'm a female

I post naked pictures of myself to the internet

do it then

Your autism diagnosis could just be manipulative bullshit.

I wished her parents didn't care, I really liked that girl

>Claims to be in my "class"
>Says I don't know who's in my "class"

This evidence alone proves you are not in my "class", the cleaner is probably brighter than you chap.

Everyone knows the codes were all just Ronald Reagan's birthday

I am a professional stand up comedian

I thought there were no girls on Cred Forums/. Its a rule.

As a kid I met Windsor Davies and Donald Sinden during the filming of "Never the Twain".
Neither of them fucked me.

I was a backround dancer at a Kpop concert because I lied about having experience and wanted to meet the performers. The dance instructors were pissed when they realized I sucked.

How do you mean? Also its not full fledged autism it's high functioning aspegers. I have a diffrent way of thinking and seeing the world than others, apperently. I've been showing signs of being diffrent all my life, hell not just showing signs, I've been diffrent all my life. When they explained my diagnosis to my mom, the woman who raised me, she agreed that they were spot on.

but idk man

I once dickslapped mount fuji

Back in high school, I used to jerk off in bathroom stalls and cum on people's shoes

>no water
>no oxygen
>Mars
I know you're probably b8ing but geez louis

Your doctor diagnosed you as a faggot?

I cried on my 21st birthday.

I've had 2 mental breakdowns in the last 3 weeks, the last one before that 2 months before. Before that 2 years.

I'm 21 years old and 5'2 male.

You could just be antisocial or something. Antisocial fags don't empathise or anything either.

I know a eurotrash faggot with a tight asshole. Its not all blown out like other eurotrash faggots. Usually its like a windsock from years of hardcore abuse

i lost my virginity before having a girlfriend
and it wasnt a hooker

I have had 4 police squad cars and a police boat called on me because me and an America girl swimming in sydney

I run
Analyzingtaylor.tumblr.com

went swimming*

Nope. I'm not Alex, but Alex would seem like the kind of name some person who would do that.

I seriously recommend that you read this

markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck

spammig mongoloid is back

Na im not antisocial. I'm actually a quite emotional person.

>pepe
>feels guy
>tri force
>daisys destruction

musically talented played in several famous venues across the US and a few outside of it before dropping music completely when I went to college

I own an ISP and we offer 100 Mbps for only $39.95 within Detroit.

I buy cheap-ass bandwidth from AT&T, Level 3 and Cogent.

You faggots will believe me because I told you where I buy bandwidth.

I got bored reading that

How's you asshole recovering?

I used to be muscle for a London Gangster.

I'll settle with you, after a few tests, the doctor found I had apparently a practically non-existant libido. According to a psychologist that I saw, it is a psychological lack of sexual desire, that I have had for the majority of my life.

So when I say asexual, I basically just mean broken

tldr asexuality = mental retardation

Of course it isn't actually real, it is just a mental problem like being gay.

I'm an overall honest guy who has done some despicable shit

> Got a slow girl to blow me by letting her think I was interested in a relationship with her

> Gave a kid PTSD by beating him up . . . later found out he started using steroids and beat up a kid in exactly the same way I beat him

> Fed my mom my cum (made a 'health shake' for her with her grandkids as an ingredient). Jerked off to the site of her drinking it.

> Stalked the shit out of a hot teacher. She did NOT deserve it.

calm down normalfag

My name is Brock.

First few pages are enough for me

then stay being a loser

Too far

I dated a 32 year old woman when I was 17. She had two kids.

I had coffee with Mirko CroCop in Zagreb in his cafe.

I jerked off a mexican neo nazi and a orthodox jew at the same time

your mom is cool with you jerking off in front of her? thats dope

I don't know if I'm happy or sad that I don't have that clip.

It's been so long since I've had someone, I don't even want sex. I just want to cuddle and hear her voice like some fucking cuck

The word "retarded" was redundant

Explain the ibuprofen murder please

I'm 32 and my girlfriend is 18. We fuck regularly. Feels pretty good.

He was my idol when i was a kid...i have the sideburns....

Ffs not this guy again. Go back to your gore thread.

then say mental retardation underage fag

Well I'm the autismoboy with life set on a rock solid course signing out, was fun talking to someone. Been a while.

I can write like Leonardo da Vinci (automatic mirror writing) with my left hand. You need mirror to read it.

Went to Japan lived in kobe for 5 months met the Kobe Sannomiya boss by random chance infront of my favourite night club.

Since then I've come back home and uni just sucks my life away. I read threads like this about people being millionaires at 22-25 and I just think wow fuck me.

Stop this underage shit, you post this in basically every thread. You're just boring

I'm worth quite a bit of money but work for a TV and Internet provider as an installer and repair technician. Why? Free service and it keeps me from getting bored.

...

I worked on an oilrig in the north sea, every time a chopper came in I would have to don a silver suit and man a foam cannon in case of fire.
Been there 2 years without an issue, Bond chopper comes in on rough day, bumpy landing, someone forgot to earth it before starting to refuel, inevitable spark.
Fireball, I start up foam cannon, chopper catches fire while the next shift of guys are still on it, it is almost out when I hit one guy at the rear with the cannon and push him clean off the helideck.
He's never found, no-one else could see except me, I'm hailed as a hero (for 10 minutes), Sedco keep it quiet for legal reasons, it's decided he fell off by himself, case closed.

I am axxo

Something tells me you're underage.

I'd believe you if you had said Level 3 were crap.
Sadly they keep winning our contracts because they are cheap.

The only girls I have dated in the past 3 years have been from my office at work.
They are all completely unaware of this.

>your mom is cool with you jerking off in front of her?

Nay.

I knew what time she'd be home from work and so prepared a healthy snack for her

- 8 oz almond milk
- 1 scoop vanilla protein powder
- blueberries
- ice cubes
- 2 tbsp baby batter

When she came in I gave her the shake, she thanked me and drank it.

I had to go jerk off again to the sight of her drinking my cum. . .

I'd really like to have a sexual relationship with her, but she'd freak out if she knew my erotic feelings for her.

Rekt thread?

I don't belivee you!!

I got an A that I didn't deserve from a professor because she knew my dad and my dad fucked her in high school.

I've been caught fucking with peoples' food at a restaurant and my manager didn't give a shit.

When I was working at mcdonalds I did the same thing. I've pissed in a few shakes too.

If you complain or look like a fag, your food is going to get fucked with. Sorry faggots.

I made a horrible mistake.
I'm a 33 year old wizard/permavirgin.
I decided to start edging/endurance training about 8 years ago.
Now any fap session is a god damned marathon.
I can't achieve orgasm in less than 2 hours.
A normal night's fap is more like 3 or 4.
I had to stop using my hand because my dick would get chafed.
but this only led to increasingly specialized sex toys.
I built up a huge collection.
But then over time I learned to use just one but in very particular ways.
So now not only does it take hours to fap, I have to do it with a particular toy in a particular way.
No woman could ever satisfy me now, and I more than likely could not maintain an erection for mere sex.
Fapping is too much work, now.
I just play video games.
There is an upside, though.
When I do fap, my orgasms are utterly mindshattering.

I don't know you did you cook my cat?