WISH ME LUCK Cred Forums

I WANTA LAP DANCE

youtube.com/watch?v=d1In78YppuA

did i just watch the whole movie

Seagal is such a nice guy that he lets you see the whole movie in the trailer so you dont have to spend any money to watch it.

youtube.com/watch?v=UGGyU5q-Fro

D R O P P E D
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what SeagalKino is this

truly the Barneyfag of Cred Forums

anybody have that webm of him on a hoverboard?

Where do they get to budget to use such fancy rooms? Do these rooms belong to the mafia bosses who finance these movies?

jej

>Steven is a big man

youtube.com/watch?v=5cUNU8GkMso

>trailer starts
>America, year 2045

WOOOOGH!

youtube.com/watch?v=aYpOIQUVT7U

youtube.com/watch?v=USUbB-kg6P4

HOW DO YOU BEAT THIS MAN

Holy shit, what's with that beer belly? Haven't seen one that big in a while.

youtube.com/watch?v=nkskuSXqUD0

>tfw it's shot better than civil war
>tfw it's actually shot better than most blockbusters today

Is this the pinnacle of modern day kino?

you beat him with ANYTHING but garbage aikido

yeh however you don't, you can't,
He is ex cia, a perfect warrior, the ultimate weapon, snatcher of motherfucker birthdays, slayer of the foreign punani and then receiving lawsuits about it and overall just a very big guy for you.

...

The website in the description is kinomaniac.net

Truly a masterpiece of kinography.

enjoy

youtube.com/watch?v=nkskuSXqUD0

kek'd
I think he is trying to say "cosanostra" at that mark

Also notice at 0:18 as he clearly didn't try to say the title of the movie he just spergs out "the ultimate warwju"

Oh God, this looks awful. The plot could hardly be more generic, and some of the lines in the trailer just make you cringe.

>It must have been a dozen guys did this
>No, just one

>When this over, we'll probably wonder whether he even existed at all

>The only way to stop him, is to become him

>everyone is a target
fuck did i do?

A-are those katanas?

if only movie posters could win Oscars

It's shopped. Google the cover, obviously it's bad but there are no katanas.

GONNA WATCH THIS LATER TOO

Are they wearing elbow protection? They didn't even bother to hide them under the shirt, lmao.

Someone explain this to me. This guy released 6 movies this year. Where are they making money? Who watches this shit? Is this just some kind of money laundering?

He probably couldn't even reach for the kantana's wearing them like that
Also (SPOILER) he sits down for most of the movie

>who is playing who?
>Who is really the master
>And thu puppu-

Is Seagal the bottom or top in bed with Putin?

...

His eyes look so funny with the photoshopped glasses.

People watch bad things ironically thinking they're above it, but they are the actual target audience. They keep horrible movies afloat by sharing them on message boards, talking about them on Youtube videos and pocasts, and giving them free advertising by the star power. Yes, trotting around saying "How the fuck is this guy still making movies?" for the last 20 some odd years his career has been nonexistent has allowed him to keep making money.

Everyone should have stopped caring about this man when his career was over more than two decades ago. They won't because they grew up with a vague recognition of his name. His name carries a nostalgia feeling and that is all there is to it.

Well you know he's got the romance down

awful

No woman is powerful enough to resist Seagals masculinity

ex CIA agent Steven Seagal eats drug barons for breakfast like you Pablo

wtf is this camera work

Seagal's movies are mainly filmed in his own home

even been to Eastern Europe?

that's all fake

>He doesn't have a fucking giant painting in frame of your own album cover featuring yourself on it hanging across your desk
Step it up plebs

...

STEVEN

STEVEN

WHAT HAS BECOME OF YOU

DOES ANYBODY ELSE IN HERE, FEEL THE WAY I DO

What kind of porn Steven likes to watch?

>searching a dead body for snacks

please, seagull, show some class

I missed Seagal threads desu

>I missed Seagal threads

What happened?

CASEY FUCKING RYBACK!?

>me on the right

girls in their birthday suits showing their snatches

You mean punani snatch at the motherfucker birthday party?

One day he will be crowned as the greatest actor ... mark my words .
You cant snatch every motherfucker birthday without a price

me on the left

Honestly thought that chick was amber heard for a moment

I bet he can make some what of a comeback if he fucking lost weight and gave a shit. Work out and take some HGH like Stallone.

He's so fat his gravity is pulling in the sun

Wtf is he skating?

lol

his ambidextrous gun techniques are truly impressive

Yeah Steven was the one who taught hand switch technique to Larry Vickers

youtube.com/watch?v=SHIGFHaY1uY

bout to give birth to a baby segal

When Wachoski sisters made Matrix Reloaded in 2003 Steven was so jealous that he decided to make his own martial arts movie, but ten times better.

Belly of the Beast

youtube.com/watch?v=-b88Sf_eCgE

Let me tell you something that might be a bit deadly. I was born in Langley. I was trained by CIA. I was given the title of Operator. They take a movie “Collateral.” They have a 5-foot-2-inch little guy, whether he was straight or gay, I don’t know. I don’t care. He had never worked for CIA. He doesn’t know how to operate. He has never held a M1911A1. They make him the Collateral?. We got 450,000 phone calls [laughs] from everybody in the world saying, “That role was perfect for you. How did that happen?” Most of the people I know didn’t like the film and didn’t go see it. It’s just a classic example of Hollywood and the politics.

youtube.com/watch?v=H8-P8sJNHk0

snatching every motherfucker punani

that and it is fucking hilarious
also more than likely a money laundering scheme.

Who needs luck when you have Steven Seagal on your side?

if Cred Forums was charged with creating the perfect weapon how would it look like and how would it kill?

I watched that during yesterday's /SSG/. That guy's fucking hilarious.

What's this one called? I think I'd like to watch it. It's free on YouTube, right?

I just downloaded that yesterday. It's horrible.
>that won't stop me from getting the other one

Sniper ravioli ops

Doctor Pavel, I'm CIA, FBI, KGB, FSB, Homeland, CTU

>Was the gun aiming itself part of your plan?

He looks like Perry Caravello in that pic.

Why cant I hold my laugh right now

They took'em

he's so convincing as a sniper

I like how they all try to fight a man with a sword by getting closer to him.

One of you guys edited this, right?

maybe they aren't confident in their aim

nope, however I bet it was Seagal though who suggested or just wanted it like that

Oh no. Steven is being trolled by an unofficial twitter account and thinks he has actually been offered a role in the next Expendables.

Jesus Christ, how does this fat fuck get movies? You could pick a random guy off the street and have him do a better job.

Seagal supports Trump.

I'm amazed Cred Forums doesn't actually worship Seagal.

He has. Too bad everybody else has pulled out.

I'm not seeing it on any places other than the fan account.

When Seagal dies will he get his star on the wall?

He'll get his own wall

link?

>Please Follow Us We might follow back And this is are Offical Twitter
>twitter.com/_Expendables4_

brb posting this to r/quityourbullshit for dat dere karma

He refused to play in one of the first movies when Sly offered him a role. And he went to do Machete movie instead.

He deserves to be trolled. Fuck him.

uhhhh...are you feeling ok user? The cover is bad BECAUSE there aren't katanas

he'll get his own building

...

>eyes: donor

what did he mean by this?

Is Seagal a good shooting instructor?

youtube.com/watch?v=Gn4d-UqPVN4

>he can make some what of a comeback

he never left from my heart

It means if he died some lucky fuck would go through life with Seagalvision

can I put in my ID "steven seagal's eyes" if something were to happen to me?

I'm convinced that Seagal has a mild autism

>mer-seed-ees

quality

i read that as convicted

making movies, making music and fighting stuntmen around the world

youtube.com/watch?v=vLe_BZ1mo3I

I love it how he just stands there only moving his arms a bit and everyone goes flying
He probably broke a sweat in doing so anyhow

>Steven Seagul The Perfect Weapon Everyone Is A Target
What an odd name for a movie

lol. at 0:14 some chink just spins his blade behind his back without attacking him for couple of seconds.

AFAIK he used to be pretty decent at Aikido, it's not just a meme. Right now he's a fat old man tho, so most of that skill must have worn off.

youtube.com/watch?v=V2B9jyZTp4w

Exile Counsel? Console?

LOL he looks like he's 90 pounds in sweat and literally fucking dying.

Someone post that of seagal kicking someone out of a window with a black man looking with 10's of camera angles.

youtube.com/watch?v=evd5aWcg0Hc

DA FUG ARE U DOING IN MY PLACE?

youtube.com/watch?v=RUjPz7BKjlM

that nig face

t. Steven

Do the people watching this not realize that it's fake? I don't understand.

do you feel above the law?

Seagal fans are equally delusional as Seagal himself. They literally believe everything that Seagal says or does.

There are plenty of people who still believes that this 300 pound creature is still capable of kicking everyones ass IRL

seagal fans are payed cash to talk about how badass seagal is

>he doesn't believe Seagal is better than Bruce Lee

lmaoing at your pathetic existance

I can't fathom how this fat old kike still gets to make movies at all, who on earth watches them!?!?

2bh he could probably kick a lot of people's asses, just because he's fucking huge.

>double katanas

holy shit

Hey Gaijins

My name is Steven, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are fat, retarded, no-lifes who spend every second of their day mocking me. You are everything anti-spiritual in this world. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten any punani? I mean, I guess it’s fun making fun of successful sex symbols like me because of your own insecurities, but you all take to a whole new level. This is even worse than making fun of my awesome movie trailers in youtube.
Don’t be a stranger. Just hit me with your best shot. I’m pretty much perfect. I am a real police officer and starter of my armed vigilante posse in Arizona. What stuff do you do, other than “making fun of talented movie stars”? I also get straight A’s in marksmanship tests, and have a super badass friend (we just talked about Ukraine; Shit was SO cash). You are all westeners who should just buy my movies. Thanks for listening.

Pic Related: It’s me and my BFF

He's so incredibly out of shape that everyone in Cred Forums could kick his ass

>In an interview with Spy, Goldman says he had long known that Seagal tends to tell grandiose tales about himself. Late in 1988, a former soldier of fortune and treasure hunter named Randy Widner invited Seagal, Goldman and another man to hunt for treasure off the coast of Barbados. At that time, Seagal had been telling Goldman that he'd been a U.S. Navy SEAL. Evidently this was one frogman who did not take well to water. As Goldman recalls, "Randy was driving [a Zodiac raft] in circles while Steven and I carried the gear out to him. The surf was unbelievable, really tough... He started screaming and panicking and was sure he was going to die and all that crap." Goldman says Seagal had to be helped onto the vessel. "Wildner had to pull Seagal by his hair; I pushed his ass onto the boat with my shoulder." Later that evening, Goldman says, he realized that Seagal could not read a compass or a map. (Seagal describes himself as "autistic with numbers.") With that, Goldman says, he totally dismissed the notion that Seagal had ever been involved in any covert operations. In his letter to the Times reporter, Goldman wrote that Seagal "would surely die of starvation if he was given a compass and a map that led to a restaurant five miles away."

If this is anything to go by, the big man admits it himself

>John Connoly, in his epic expose’ of Seagal in “SPY” Magazine reported that Seagal was assigned four women to be his “production assistants” in 1990. All four quit in 1991. Connoly writes that as assistant Raeanne Malone was brushing her teeth in Seagal’s quarters during an interview, he commented publicly that “You look like that when I come in your mouth”. (ouch) Two of the women were paid around $50,000 each to drop charges against Seagal.

>His Japanese wife, Fujitani, went on to describe how Seagal told her “I never will betray you”, right before he took all her savings and moved back to America to pursue his movie career. Without seeking a divorce, Seagal went ahead and married Adrienne La Russa in 1984, followed by actress Kelly LeBrock. La Russa told Connoly that she couldn’t say much, “Because I am afraid of Steven and his friends”. As alleged, Seagal was so broke in 1985 that he arranged for LeBrock’s Porsche Carrera to be stolen so he could collect the insurance money.

This makes me want to read his biography.

Have a snippet

>Seagal told her “I never will betray you”, right before he took all her savings and moved back to America to pursue his movie career. Without seeking a divorce, Seagal went ahead and married Adrienne La Russa in 1984

Christ, Seagal is like the original weeb. Before the term was in popular use.

Has there ever been a guy more full of shit than Seagal ?

Props to whomever edited his latest album's Wikipedia page (it's still in the history lel)

lel

youtube.com/watch?v=ffwCQ1frwcw
Don't cross him... or else!

>1.5 Stars
>Check Review
>literally trashes the entire album

>jamie jack and stench
>it's a real show

I recognize the guy who played Crisp in Kindergarten Cop

>Hollywood private investigator Anthony Pellicano is in big trouble. Remember Seagal’s pal Julius Nasso? He and Seagal had now fallen out, with allegations by Seagal that Nasso and the Mob were attempting to extort money from Seagal. Seagal was deeply intertwined with various crime families and was treading water, trying to stay on top. Well, Pellicano’s name came up in the course of the Mob investigations. He was already known for his connections to the Clintons. According to Judicial Watch, a citizen’s legal watchdog group, Hillary Clinton had previously hired Pellicano in 1992 to get dirt on Gennifer Flowers, who had claimed to have had an affair with Bill Clinton. Pellicano is now awaiting sentencing for 76 out of 77 counts of racketeering, wiretapping and operating a criminal enterprise. The list of his clients and targets is a virtual whose-who of Hollywood.

>Allegedly, Seagal hired Pellicano to go after writer Anita Busch of the Los Angeles Times, who had written unfavorable reports about Seagal. As the story goes, Pellicano allegedly detailed associate Alexander Proctor out for the job. Anita Bush came to her car one day to find the windshield smashed, with a dead fish and a rose stuck in it, along with a note saying STOP!
Authorities investigating Pellicano and Proctor raided Pellicano’s Sunset Boulevard office and discovered C-4 plastic explosive, hand grenades and presumably other weapons

Seagal is a gift that keeps on giving

>those last 10 seconds
K I N O
I
N
O

>baad maaan

youtube.com/watch?v=VUoVx7qDBzE

i laughed so hard i farted

Kino.

fucking laughed my ass off