Awful cinema experiences

>mandatory no shirt policy in the Aquino theatre
This is why I stay home and torrent a yify

>go to pool cinema
>somebody putting popcorn into my snorkel when I go underwater

FUCK YOU WHOEVER DOES THIS

>go with friends to screening of The Shining a couple months ago
>old bearded man walked in dressed in what appeared to be flyfishing gear 15 minutes into the movie
>sat down and used both seats to his right and left to hold his fanny pack and his boots
>pulled out a box of chinese food and started eating with a fork which he dropped several times throughout the movie
>laughed heartily everytime Halloran explained The Shining or anything remotely foreboding happened, which indicated to me that he had seen the movie
>despite this he said in a stunned tone, "He... lied..." when Jack says there was no one in room 237
>when Jack says that Danny must have done it to himself, he said, "Whaaaaat?"
>he was alone, so he was talking to no one
>as soon as Halloran was shown on the plane, he got up and left the theater
It was strange.

>no crab legs...
Pssshh...pleb.

>not getting the mouth receptacle for underwater eating...
>not knowing that putting food through the snorkel is considered an honor.

>live in Czech Republic
>pay €3 for prime time ticket
>notice some ruckus in front of me and see some muslim being loud on the phone and laughing obnoxiously while I try to enjoy the trailers
>stand up and kick the back of his head as hard as I can and leave to complain to manager
>get my money back but still go back to see movie because that's how it works here
>dude still quiet, doesn't even look at me or the screen for that matter, nice
>half an hour into the movie he just kinda slumps forward and his head hits the head of the chick in front of him
>chick screams, movie stops, lights go on
>dude doesn't move and just lies there on the floor
>police and paramedics come, police start asking questions
>I leave again and complain to the manager again, get another €3
>go back again and sit back in my seat as I watch the medics do their thing but they say he's dead
>they put a piece of bacon under his tongue, as is customary
>cops come up to me and ask me if I saw anything weird
>tell them "yeah, I kicked his head really hard about 45 minutes ago and it didn't seem to affect him at all, assume he probably chocked on his popcorn"
>they both give me €3 for the inconvenience
>movie starts again after all that nonsense
>after the movie the medics come in again and carry him out
>he didn't make it
>movie was John Carter, meh

Makes me laugh because this probably actually happened.

>see someone video taping the movie three boats across from me
>Try to call an usher or manager to stop them
>They load up a cannonball and shoot the side of my ship
>My boat doesn't have any cannons because its a rental and the cinema has a no weapons policy
>Ship sinks
>Start drowning and making a scene
>Manager comes over and tells me I have to watch the film in the kiddies pool
>Tell them about the people recording
>They already left on their boat
>See them return and continue videotaping from their boat when I was in the pool
>End up paying for the boat since it sank and it was a rental

Fucking Pirates, man..

how much do you have to tip the lifeguard? I'm going for the first time today.

Yea but why clog it?
How am I supposed to breath under water?
I also almost choked on that shit more often than I can count.

Fucking cunts.

also
>the guy who brings trash from home and litters the whole fucking pool with it

Reminds me of: never ever go to the cinemapool on gypsie wednesday.

You tip 40 percent of your ticket, boat, and life gear, multiply that by the feet of water you'll be swimming/boating in, and then a little bit extra if you think you'll probably need rescuing.

...

is there a captains fee as well? I don't think I'll have enough time to pass the boating exam.

I suggest you get the gill surgery up charge. It's only 35,000 dollars but then you can eat and breathe in the water without having to worry about drowning. Also, don't forget to tip the surgeon/popcorn collector.

>they can't lean back in the boat
>they have to lean forward for upwards of 1 and a half hours

Who's smart idea was this?

>tfw the chad lifeguard is too busy tindering to kick the children out for adult swim
I had to spend the entire crashing scene in Sully with these little shits splashing water in my face

There's no fee but if you don't tip then you're a scumlord.

>1 and a half hours

That was a special screening of Titanic so more like 3 hours.

What about the sound?
Why is underwater kino always with subtitles and damp sound that you barely understand underwater?

I mean don't get me wrong, the operation isn't a bad idea but I wonder if its possible to get fish eyes or a way to see better under water.
Maybe even something to improve hearing but no idea about that.

do you get your operations done at the cinema?
I was few months ago there for a breast reduction, dude who did it joked loud about the fat being used for buttering the popcorn and some dude in front of us vomited right into the water.
Some other guy rammed into the operation boat and we almost fell into the water while my tits were sliced open.

Shit wasn't cash at all.

This is not a joke I would blow my fucking brains out without these threads

>leaving a mess in the theatre

please, do us all a favour.

>Two for one beers at the cinema bar
>grab a few before the movie
>coastguard pulls up next to my dingy and tickets me for DUI
>can't afford the legal fees
How is this fair? This is entrapment

"Favor", in my local cinema they had a dude hanging in the back for like 4 weeks.

The fucking smell holy shit
worst was all the insects and wild animals that it attracted.

>Assholes think it's kosher to go down the waterslide during louder sequences

It was a screening of Schindler's List for God's sake.

Thats why you supposed to drink under deck, also cinema security can't actually detain you or fine you.

The cinema counts as international waters and they can only fine you within 200 meters of the entrance.

But don't say it too loud, some people think this means that they're free to purge an rob people.

>new free theater in town
>go check it out
>they lock the doors behind us and fill the room with zyklon B

Don't get me started on the fucking waterslides.
Why do people have the urge to go down there with their food?
Last time I went through the slide my
Clothes were full of nacho cheese

>see a snickers bar floating in the water next to my canoe
>think it's the cheeky tween couple next to me playing a prank
>pick it out of the water while looking at them directly in the eyes and take s bite
>it's unironically shit
Never again

>not renting a gasmask and wolverine hands to make it look like you tried to escape the chamber by engraving your nails in the cheap wood door
>not wearing a Nazi uniform to begin with so you don't have to join the Brausebad team

lemme guess, they didn't let you buy the Aryan tickets you shitskin

wtf is this, like a doctor eggman zubat?

You know the czech repub doesn't use euros right?

>on a date with my black gf [/spolier] watching sue sy skwah
>giggle uncontrollably when it aint me starts playing she tells me to shut up
>Had to hold a big shit in through the whole movie

You're thinking of Polan

>pay to fury road
>entire experience ruined

watching movies from a helicopter when?

>be me
>decide to enjoy the water slide during seadoo commercial
>it's the kind of slide that's like a tunnel
>one of the bigger kids figures out a way to stand up and chill in one spot
>waits for me to go down
>BAM full plate of nacho cheese right in the face

Still can't believe they serve food on ceramic after all the incidents.

>That guy in the jaws screening who swims under your tube and grabs your foot during the scary parts causing you to spill your $29.99 plus tip butter
Yeah, real funny

>fucking Cred Forums poster flops into boat
>everyone spills out the sides.
>walrus claps all over parking lot

Dude what am I reading....

>it's a Cred Forumsedditor washes ashore post

which of you faggots aren't tipped the ushers?

>chilling with a qt on our first date
>managing to not erupt spaghetti everywhere
>go to see nightcrawler, both pretty hyped
>rent out super comfy Venice style boat with cushions so we lay next to each other as movie plays
>going well for 25 minutes
>hooked tentacles creep up side of the boat
>colossal squid that can smell my crabs legs begins probing the inside of the boat
>fucking squid hasn't been fed for days by the ushers out of protest and is starving
>we try to fight it off with the oars
>40 foot tentacles lined with meathooks and enough strength to fight a sperm whale make short work of our defences
>abducts my date

i actually tipped double on the way out just to make sure it never happens again

Seriously, boat cinemas aren't actually a thing right?

>visiting america
>think all of these stories are just jokes
>theater i go to actually has a no singles policy
>actually has a bunch of weird food like nachos and burgers, who the fuck has a big plate of messy food in a theater?
>actually has first class rooms with big comfy chairs and cheap pleb rooms where you have to fight for your armrest
>sound is way too fucking loud and the speakers are terrible so explosions just sound like someone snorting coke off the speaker's diaphragm
>has a fucking arcade with a bunch of 90s arcade machines

It was fucking surreal.

>at Jaws screening
>everyone having a laugh at all the goofballs wearing shark fins
>mfw they release actual great white into the audience pool
>pajeet comes over the intercom reassuring us to remain calm and that the shark has been "declawed"

God I wish they opened another theater in this town.

>be support person
>go to local gimmick cinema with my legally retarded companion
>pirate theme wednesday
>had to buy an eye patch for him and me in order to get in ($15)
>Downy wants some crab legs ($35 a pop)
>literally had to hold his hand the entire length because he was scared
>it was Cutthroat Island

These threads are exaggerated but they're based on reality
First time I went to an american theater, I was in shock that there was no waiter down the aisle to take my order for a mid-film brunch

It's just a different culture

All in all, how would you rate your first Freedom Flick?

Why try to correct someone when you don't know what you're talking about?

>Some jerk prints his untrained parrot with him
>it spends the entire movie harassing my falcon for its crab legs and cracking jokes during the serious parts causing the whole audience to laugh and throw crackers
Is anyone else considering movie towns to join a new cinemas?

>usher comes around making sure everyone is asleep during the intermission nap
>i drank three liters of mountain dew in the first act so can't sleep
>he looks around once he's sure no one is awake
>takes his dick out and puts it in my open hand
>starts breathing really heavy
>i can't scream or i'll get thrown out of the theater

Shit, they really do it? Thought it was just a rumor.

Maybe I'm just a heavy sleeper

An usher did that to me once
I'm a light sleeper though so woke up soon after. The second I realised what was happening, I dug my nails into his dick and drew blood and he started screaming
They were gonna kick me out until I showed them my light-sleeper badge
I wore a jacket that covered it so the usher couldn't see it

They gave me a full refund and a formal apology
>mfw

>in europoor attending an anime convention, on business
>go catch a flick
>half way through have to take a shart, should've listened to my mom when she said not to eat anything green and leafy while in euroland
>try to lift up my seat to take a shit
>it doesn't lift up
>ask the woman next to me why there's no shart compacter in my seat
>babbles something in her incomprehensible pigeon language
>can't hold it in any more
>remember my marine corps training: "if you can't shart in your seat, fart in the streets"
>decide the aisle is the closest thing to the streets, do my business
>everyone looking at me with shock on their face
>locals were clearly in amazement at the size of my turd, most of them had probably never had a meal as large as that, poor europoors
>tip everyone 2 dollars and leave

Fucking lol'd

kek'd and check'd

I think the worst one I went to was a driving range projector theatre. People spent the entire movie just pelting the screen with chip shots. one asshole used a fairway wood and kept nearly destroying the screen.

Thanks for the keks m8.

>tfw forgot to buy a theater fishing license and had to go hungry during Star Trek Beyond

I fucking hate this board

Why didn't you bring your pee bottle?

Also, fuck that scuba guy. Let him swim in your piss and eat pissy crab legs.

holy shit, does this really happen in America?

>When the cinema pirates board your kinoship and let their falcon fuck your gf in front of you

>gf
Stop making shit up

Hey man, i got her fairly at the Disney slave auction on the special screening of finding dory

>go to the theater
>buy my usual two extra large buckets of nacho grande popcorn
>ask for an "i'm a light sleeper!" badge (sleep apnea wakes me up a lot)
>hear the cashier snickering as i walk away, think nothing of it
>lay down in my king-size bed, i swear they're making these things smaller every month
>right after i finish my preview bucket i notice people giving me nervous glances
>look down to see if i shit myself again, notice my badge
>it says "i'm an EXTRA heavy sleeper!"
>ohfuck.jpg
>try to get up to get it exchanged but the movie starts before i can
>hear the doors locking in the back
>when the intermission comes, i lay down and try to keep my eyes closed
>hear several peoples' footsteps coming towards me, it's the ushers
>hear them giggling and saying things like "oh yeah, i bet he's out cold" and "time to glaze the pig"
>they unzip their pants and i can hear them start to masturbate
>try keep my eyes closed tight but i start tearing up
>hear them panting and groaning, feel their semen hitting my face while they chant "glaze the pig! glaze the pig!"
>they walk away laughing, hear the projector starting back up
>after the movie i look at the cashier and he says "if you need any napkins they're right here" while smiling
>tip him under 25% out of rage

the movie wasn't even good

they spelt autism wrong.

>it's 140 degrees
>new flick just came out, have to see it
>light on cash, so I attempt to smuggle in my own water bottle to avoid the expensive theater water
>everything is going as planned
>that is until I see a new theater security checkpoint blocking the entrance to the viewing room/desert
>this checkpoint has hardened security guards
>they search me thoroughly
>they discover my water bottle and dump the water on the ground while I watch
>starting to panic as I find a seat
>you can die in this heat without water
>about halfway through I begin to feel faint
>my skin is blistering, couldn't afford theater sunscreen
>I blackout
>wake up in a hospital, have heat stroke
>spend a few days in the hospital recovering
>doctor hands me my bill, I'm now in debt for the rest of my life
>just because I wanted to see Batman vs Superman

I fucking hate movies.

>go to cinema
>forget to tip the usher
>realize the theater is empty
>big fat guy that I don't know comes and sits next to me
>too autistic to leave
>watch the whole 3 hour movie like that

>Went to the cinema back in 2004 to see a movie
>Cant even remember what it was because I didnt get past the trailers before I was knocked over the head by a policeman
>Woke up from a coma 6 week later not even knowing what the fuck happened
>$35'000 dollars of medical bills that I cant pay and I STILL cant
>Apparently they have a singles only policy that I wasnt aware of and I broke the law by going alone, I tried to explain I didnt know in court but they said I was wasting court time and told me to shut up
>Got sent to prison for 11 and a half years
>Just back out in 2015
>Every time I see anything to do with movies I go into a full ptsd freak out episode and with intense anger I cant control myself

FUCK CINEMAS

>being too much of a cheapskate to buy water
>blaming movies
It's like ten bucks. Get over it

>decide to go to the cinema
>crawl into the sewer and crawl for like a mile or two
>feel like andy dufresne in the shittunnel
>finally reach the cinema
>ask for the shower but apparently its out of service
>at least the crab legs are there
>get my crab legs and crawl through another small tunnel into the hall
>seats are old plastic buckets turned around
>piece of shit falls from the ceiling right into my crab legs
>I just eat around it fuck it I paid 27 dollars
>other people arrive through the tunnels and the movie starts (the hateful 8)
>the light goes out and they start to flood the chamber with shitwater
>cinema hall turns into a septic tank before I can finish my crablegs

I honestly though the whole "Americans clap at everything" thing was a meme, but when I visited a year ago I was pretty surprised when the entire audience started applauding at the end of a movie.
Who are you clapping at? I don't get it

You know the 10 bucks water is the leftover camels didn't drink right?

God

>go to see a special showing of h8ful at my local moving picture house
>when it gets to the intermission and everyone takes their required nap, I stay up and read some more of The Catcher in the Rye by bedside lamp
>an usher comes along and is about to try and chuck me out
>explain that I have a rare medical condition that prevents me from sleeping more than 6 hours a night, and have the required forms signed and stamped
>he stutters and moves on
>wait until he's out of sight
>sneak over to someone with a light sleeper badge and carefully remove it and return to my bed
>hear a loud yelp 2 minutes later
>laugh my ass off as the usher was arrested for sexual molestation

That happened to me as well but I had my sister with me, who knew that with no singles they mean that the two people have to be a couple.

We had to prove right in front of the cashier that we're a couple, stuck my tongue down her throat and made out with her like we trained at home in case they ask.
also grabbed her ass while doing it so it looks realistic.
Then they checked our IDs and I got 7 years for fraud and incest relations.

Sister got in and saw the movie because they had a black man left over, no charges.

>drinking unfiltered parasite water

No thanks. I'd rather get heat stroke.

>cinema has a boat night and and it just ruins the grass

Place fucking stinks

>being too good for camel water in the scorching desert
Woah, check out mr money bags here
I bet you eat your crab legs buttered and with humus on the side

this one sounds unlikely. tipping under 25%? do you want to get arrested?

It's 10 bucks if you feel like getting camel-aids, you gotta pay full price if you want real water and the bank didn't accept another loan.

>want to see Jaws - Ultimate Experience © in the theatre in a boat like OP
>it's full, have to buy a ticket for 500 Days Of Summer - EXTREME ©
>have to spend a year and a half building a relationship with a kinomendated usher only to be left crushed, but ultimately growing up to be a better man while watching the movie at 0.0005 speed on a surgically implanted eyeball.
This was NOT worth my 20$

screw boat renting. I want a boat building seminar during a movie.

True Bedouins drink camel blood and eat grilled goat testicles you philistine, I avoid any place that servers the western imperialist poison known as crab legs

>go to the cinema under the moon in Nepal
>screen is small and crappy
>sound is shit
>...oh wait
>can smoke, drink
>in Nepal
>while most Cred Forumstards in in moms basement

...this is actually based.

try carb legs, they're soy based crab flavoured and shaped tenders.

>Visiting Bongland, decide to catch a flick
>Only thing showing is Daddy Day Camp, guess it will have to do
>Ask for ticket from ticket Imam, tells me its 3 pounds plus surcharge to pay for refugee housing, 40 pounds in all
>Purchase halal snack pack (dates, unpopped corn kernels, pocket copy of Quran and small pack of C4) for further 40 pounds
>Enter theater and find my assigned prayer mat, didn't shell out for premium mat so behind a pillar
>Previews have recently been deemed haram so sit in silence contemplating passages from Quran for 30 minutes until movie starts
>Moving images have been deemed haram and an affront to Allah (PBUH) so film is replaced by slightly pulsating geometric images with a soundtrack by Mahmoud Awad
>Halfway through movie, adhan sounds from theatre minarets
>Start the recitation, but realise I started with the Shi'a pattern by mistake
>Start sweating, hope no one will notice
>Theatre morality patrol surround me, begin chanting 'kafir, kafir'
>Load me into cannon and fire me directly at tube station, killing hundreds

Eddie Murphy back on form though I must say

>tfw you can hear the couple fucking in the tent in front of you
>they keep knocking against yours making the picture shake

>spending a few months travelling through america on my gap year
>decide to catch a showing of the avengers
>go with some american friends I've made
>say we need to arrive an hour early for some reason
>the door beeps every time someone goes through it
>i ask one of my friends and they tell me that's just the metal detector
>confused but whatever
>ask for my ticket, cashier says that's fine but since I'm not registered I'll have to do a fingerprint swab
>the fuck?
>takes like a minute so I guess it's no big deal
>walk down the hallway to the screens and concessions stands, see a queue
>what now?
>have to go through a full body scanner
>'what's that?' i ask my friend
>apparently it's no big deal, they just take photos of you in ultra-uv light to see through your clothes to make sure you're not sneaking in food
>it's fine, the only person that sees the photos is some guy in a dark room all by himself
>guy before me in line sets off the alarm
>see him get a cavity search as I pass through
>eventually we get to our door
>an usher stands there
>"okay sir, if you'll just show us your phone open on our facebook page so we can see you've liked us, you can go on in"
>idonthaveaphonecauseimtravelling.jpg
>friend lets me borrow his spare
>finally we sit down ready to watch the film
>got myself a comfy aisle seat
>two minutes in, approached by an usher
>he whispers to me
>"congratulations sir, you've been chosen as today's designated TS"
>what the hell is that?
>he hands me an m16 and winks
>spend the entire film holding an m16 wondering why i've been given it
>get arrested at the end of the film for not indulging in their customs and fined $50
Never again, I swear

>Go to local movie theatre
>"I'd like to see suicide squad p-please"
>"Alrighty, we do have to warn you its rotten tomatoes is less than 50 percent"
>"Yes I know"
>"Would you please ring the tomato bell then?"
>Begrudgingly walk over to the bell and pull its thick rope
>The clanging rings throughout the theatre alerting the theatre goers
>Everyone stares at me
>They reach into their theatre buckets and grab the tomatoes they bought for 59.99
>"Come on Timmy throw the tomato! He wants to watch suicide squad"
>"Is it bad mommy?"
>No but ghostbusters is better honey
>Get pelted by rotten tomatoes, if only I had brought by tomato coat
>Luckily one of the showers were open, so I could wash myself off
>Penis inspector walks in while I'm showering
>"Ghostbusters to the right side, suicide squad to the left"
>I'm the only one to the left
>"Son you know it has a tomato score of less than 50?"
>Yeah
>"Well it says on the chart you must have penis rating of less than two to see it"
>He inspects my penis
>"Hmm, I'd say maybe a 3, but it's not as clean as possible, so it's got to be 1.9."
>"Thank Snyder" I whisper to myself
>Finally get to the usher
>"Tickets please"
>Hand the diverse usher my ticket
>"Where is your partner?"
>"Oh I'm by myself"
>"Sorry no singles policy"

Fucking Harkins

underrated image

TFA was the best movie I have seen in years. I'm really excited for the gunslinger too

>not 0.0001347 so it would actually last 500 days
Join a new Seanema, NOW!

this thread really makes me think

Are no singles policies are a real thing? I'm too naive to tell if it's a joke or not

>>>/Reddit/

what do you think?

under-replied

>>some guy just smirks at me in his scuba gear because he avoids the boat rental charge

The mental image of this and the guy then slowly ducking under the water made me lol

i laffed

>be american
>go to theater
>no one pays attention to the screen
>everyone looking at the exits in anticipation
>get antsier as the movie goes on
>credits roll, people start shooting off their open carry m16s in self-defense of their disappointment
>15 people dead
>the ushers applaud our american spirit

That's not how you play Tic-tac-toe

been a thing ever since the aurora shootings

Maybe it's because I'm an Amerifat, but I require an explanation for this nonsense. Is this a meme or a window to the bizzaro universe?

Wew thx for the giggles m8

...

You have to spend the whole movie leaning in a boat with no back support? Kind of a raw deal.