SEAGAL KINO IS BACK!!

SEAGAL KINO IS BACK!!
SEAGAL KINO IS BACK!!
SEAGAL KINO IS BACK!!

IT'S TIME FOR KINO LADDIES

youtube.com/watch?v=iaFDGWqOvGU

Other urls found in this thread:

youtube.com/watch?v=RUjPz7BKjlM
youtube.com/watch?v=UCId3kjWPs8
imdb.com/title/tt6081674/
youtube.com/watch?v=vLe_BZ1mo3I
youtu.be/BF8sWDUZcSE
youtube.com/watch?v=338D3HTto6M
twitter.com/NSFWRedditVideo

>tactical hand grip changing AT 1:20
HE DID IT AGAIN THE ABSOLUTE MADMAN

literally /our guy/

>WHO
>IS
>THE
>TAR
>GET

what did he mean by this?

IF WE LIKE DEM WE GIV EM A BOX A CHOCLATES

IF WE DON'T WE KILL EM


Can he get anymore BASED?

OPERATOR
P
E
R
A
T
O
R

>a stuorm is coming

90 mins worth of new memes YAY

It doesn't look good by any means, but I have to say that it looks more like an actual movie than any of the other shit trailers I've seen him in lately.

>Every line delivered with the trademark am-i-out-of-breath-or-am-i-whispering segal vocals

Perfect

Is Seagal back?

For fucks sake, is Steven Seagal so fucking lazy he doesn't even enunciate properly in his movies anymore?

yea I'm thinking he's back

*Wheezes*

Seagal vs this little guy

who snatches?

Out of breath? Seagal? Pick one reddit. He is one of the fittest men alive.

I give this shitskin 10 seconds before Seagal snatches both his birthday and the punani.

>aaaannnd... Action

>"Let me tell you something that might be a bit dangerous. I was raised in Japan. I was schooled in martial arts. I was given the title of master. They take a movie “The Last Samurai.” They have a 5-foot-2-inch little guy, whether he was straight or gay, I don’t know. I don’t care. He had never been to Japan. He doesn’t speak Japanese. He has never held a sword. They make him the Last Samurai. We got 450,000 phone calls [laughs] from everybody in the world saying, “That role was perfect for you. How did that happen?” Most of the people I know didn’t like the film and didn’t go see it. It’s just a classic example of Hollywood and the politics."

what did he mean by this?

>.......I said Action...

Wha happen?

>...FOR FUCKS SAKE. OI!!!! ACTION!!!

Who watches this shit? Serious question. It looks absolutely boring and atrocious and it's not even fun trash, just boring trash. No BASED SEAGULL KINO meme answers please.

day tuk er

Slavs.

he bruised the cruise

ex CIA Seagal vs the entire 1st Recon battallion

who gets some?

.........................................................

>THE STOOL'S COMING
WAT

Could Tom Cruise legitimately kick Seagal's ass?

>5'7
>160 lbs

V.S

>6'4
>265lbs

[heavy breathing]

Maybe not in hand-to-hand but if all else fails, he sure can run.

Trombley

at 1:00 he lightly slaps some dude in the neck a few times

jesus this guy

No we don't.

t. Pole

>doesn't even get out of the chair to fight

>"Let me tell you something that might be a bit dangerous. I was raised in South. I was trained as weekend reserve officer. I was given the title of Chief Deputy. They take a movie “Sicario.” They have a 5-foot-7-inch little girl, whether she was British or American, I don’t know. I don’t care. She had never been down to south. She doesn’t speak southern. She has never fought against drug cartels. They make her the Sicario?. I got a phone call [laughs] from Joe Arpaio saying, “That role was perfect for you. How did that happen?” Most of the people I pretend to know didn’t like the film and didn’t go see it. It’s just a classic example of Hollywood and the politics."

>0:40

is he just shooting his scenes while sitting at this point?

Ok, russians.

t. russian

GAME ON

>two watches
why?

this actually looks like the best seagal kino in years

fucking kek

WHY DOES HE HAVE TWO WATCHES

one keeps the time

the other is counting down to your death

tactical advantage

one shows Moscow time for his BFF putin and the other one shows Arizona time for this good pal Sheriff Apriaio

>The Last Samurai was Nathan
IT WAS KATSUMOTO

Serbs
t. serb

One is for local time. The other is for Japanese Time so he can call his waifu on a proper hour.

kek

Must have been a good year for drug cartels

>Here one *burps* smalles 45 ever made

>Its one of my back up, one of my personal back ups

>Isnt that amazing?

can someone call /k/ and ask if this is a legitimate practice

...

>Seagal
>only 265 lbs
have you even seen him in all his rotund glory?

thats /fa/ as fuck right there

Is that a real quote? The Sicario in the film is Benicio Del Toro, not Emily Blunt. Emily's character was a pawn.
>“That role was perfect for you. How did that happen?”
There's no way someone seriously said that.
>Most of the people I pretend to know didn’t like the film and didn’t go see it.
>didn't like the film
>and didn't go see it.
ayy lmao

Hell yeah. Look at that.

Sure thang user, got them on speeddial

The quote is an edit of a real quote. The real quote is about The Last Samurai.

no need to ask /k/. Seagal is a former CIA operative and currently a Reserve Cheif Deputy Officer in Jerkwater, Arizona

Im pretty sure he knows what he's doing

does someon have that part when his on skateboard tryingvto appear as at?
thanks in advance

What's this kino name?

what the fuck is going on with the window?

>I got a phone call [laughs] from Joe Arpaio saying

Wha happen?

EASY

I used to watch Seagal movies late at night on the USA channel as a kid.

Can someone give me a list of all the good ones?

>0:38
he doesnt even bother to do his action scenes standing up anymore

Anyone got the webm with the guy thrown out the window?

>It's a Seagal talks like a black guy episode

Also Seagal posting is best posting.

>contract to kill
could there be a more generic title

a true warrior preserves and stores his energy as much as possible

Against the Dark IIRC. Not sure senpai.

Windows*

why settle for a webm?

youtube.com/watch?v=RUjPz7BKjlM

>imma give em chocolates

pretty good lol

and I like how terrorists are the bad guys for once, instead of stupid anti russian propaganda

That's the wrong reason to hate on it.

True Seagalkino has a title where you can put "Steven Seagal is..." before it. Doesn't work here, don't like it.

>That editing

Every time

>white trash
That guy is Oriental?

yeah, this title doesnt work in that way either

>those fucking comments

MATRIX-GLITCH.webm

"Steven Seagal has Contract to Kill"

sounds alright with an alternative

What is this move called? Melon juggling?

time zones are an hour apart. he could literally just look at his watch and go "well, minus 8 hours and.."

Animekino.

His first five movies are the best: Above The Law, Hard To Kill, Marked For Death, Out For Justice and Under Siege.

I also thing the sequel to Under Siege is solid enough. Only movie from the 2000's I can recommend is Exit Wounds.

>Most of the people I know didn't like the film and didn't go see it.

What did he mean by this?

Wrinkles of Death

>Under Siege
The best.

Just like one of my Japanese animes

>whether he was straight or gay, I don’t know. I don’t care.
Then why bring it up?

>10 greatest anime sword fights

Out For Justice aka "anybody seen ritchie?" is by far his best film

>UNO FARTO 1:07
omfg

Who funds these movies? I refuse to believe any profit can be gained. Is it just money laundering?

Die Hard on a boat is objectively his best film.

Bigger action scenes and also funny stuff even without Seagal on screen, like this kino classic right here:

youtube.com/watch?v=UCId3kjWPs8

HOW CAN HE SLAP??

pretty much

they shoot in Bulgaria or Romania, get money from some EU grants and spend it all on cheap eastern european whores

That and Under Siege.

>written by Steven Seagal

Oh, it shows

>What the fuck are you doing in my place?
>Where do you think I'm going

CHRONOS?!

>not your birthday

>it's a Steven Seagal plays an ex-cop/agent who lives in/moves to some shithole in Eastern Europe for some convoluted reason and has to save his daughter episode

>CIA trained.

What did they mean by this?

I asked them. I'm expecting fire to be rained down on me pretty soon.

>Narrator reading the words as they appear in the trailer.
It's like I'm back in the late 90s

Post more Seagal pasta.

I actually saw that in the cinema.

I'm dead.

Everybody saw it.

Holy shit.

But why?!

Just a reminder that Above The Law 2 and Under Siege 3 are happening. Seagal is back baby!

KINO

He is always an ex something. Seriously, even in his earliest movies he is still semi-retired. Why cant seagal find normal employment

What did he mean by this?

How can John Wick compete?

no idea

That actually became common after Under Siege that was a huge hit. In movies before that he was still working full time.

>EZ
>Echo Zulu
>A Black man repeats himself

holy shit, how many layers are there to these kinos?

That's a great poster.

future best kino of 2017

>lol took 17 of u 2 kill me noooooooobsssss

>when you pick a bad spot to save state in your emulator

When you remember that guns in cinema are phallic symbols, it really gets you thinking.

Can't wait for the superior version, John Dick.

...

I laughed way harder than I should have.

Anybody seen Richie?

IM GONNA KEEP POSTING THIS,

UNTIL SUMEBODEE REMEMBERS SEEIN' RICHIE!

...

The kinetic forces pulsing from Seagal's hands creates a rapid rattling effect inside his head, causing the victim to suffer over a dozen concussions a second. It also causes the skull to collapse into itself, as evident by the deep ridges on top of his head.

Don't sexualize Keanu.

...

He is mumbling like he is about to fall asleep.

still sore about that fiddy burger?

You can't stop me, pikey

He's pure. Please stop.

GIRLS

WITH

DICKS

MOMS
GONNA
FREAK

It's a feminine penis.

He is preserving his energy. He is always in control and aware of his surroundings. Motherfucker ripe for birthday snatching can appear at any moment.

nigga is dressed like a stand user

>He is always in control

In control of his fridge maybe.

I just reported this. Have fun in the pokey, faggot.

is that... trappychan?

Kalindrachan

This Seagal 101 thread sure took some gay detours

You could say a lot of things about Seagal, but you could never call him a fag and not look like a retard.

true

>"Let me tell you something that might be a bit dangerous. I was raised in Japan. I was schooled in martial arts. I was given the title of master. They take a movie “The Last Samurai.” They have a 5-foot-2-inch little guy, whether he was straight or gay, I don’t know. I don’t care. He had never been to Japan. He doesn’t speak Japanese. He has never held a sword. They make him the Last Samurai. We got 450,000 phone calls [laughs] from everybody in the world saying, “That role was perfect for you. How did that happen?” Most of the people I know didn’t like the film and didn’t go see it. It’s just a classic example of Hollywood and the politics."

what is this khino called?

...

So he knows what time it is now and what time it will be in 5 minutes.

What was the name of this movie again? It had some of the weirdest pedo Seagal undertones

...

Now this I can get into

Can I get a hat wobble?

...

Holy shit, this is some Ring Theory-tier shit right here, except this time it's for real!

Just wow.

top fucking kek

>Height is a fighting technique

Doesn't matter how tall and fat you are. What matters if you know how to fight or not.

Prime Seagull could beat Cruise in any time due to his fighting but Cruise now could of course fucking pound Seagal

>When all else fails
>They don't

>That hand

Does he still run like a girl?

No, he just hovers now.

Is it some kind of an ancient japanese technique?

is that cgi?

because you can't just watch it once

It's a ninjutsu, yes.

he doesnt even bother getting out of his chair for fight scenes now

watch how her remains seated during first half of the fight scene
rest of the fight scenes are cut up as much as possible for the old man
>JUST

pure kino

they can't afford cgi, they probably tied a rope to a skateboard so they can just pull him along during action scenes

What a shitty poster

>weird
You mean "typical" pedo Seagal undertones?

What the fuck is wrong with the glasses

imdb.com/title/tt6081674/
prepare yourselves

>Steven Seagal is a striking and somewhat boyishly handsome (often with ponytail) action star who burst onto the martial arts film scene in 1988 in the fast-paced Warner Bros. film Above the Law (1988)
Every time

>Back

It never left. He's been releasing more now than he did back then.

I rewatched Marked For Death the other day. Other than some cool action scenes, it was fucking boring.

ok, seriously anybody ITT even watch his shit nowadays?
i know i did watch some of his movies back 1 or 2 decades ago

i watched thata sniper one
it was pretty bad
best terrible seagal move I've seen recently so far has been

mum watches his movies whenever they are on tv

someone needs to infiltrate the filming of these movies. i have to know what goes on behind the scenes

Kurwa, ja ogladam.

WHAT IS THE SOURCE OF THIS!?

...

get it together ja rule

I think im going to vomit

D R O P P E D

Why does the asian man have a southern accent and Seagal have a creole-retarded accent?

lies, hes japanese

and redpilled. A gentleman and a scholar.

I always thought he was a native or something.

Shit Segal aint snatched a mutherfuker birthday since 2014

>you will never make 6 of the same movie with a $100 budget every year forever
why live?

why would you walk up to a man before shooting him at point blank range?

At least you can talk, who are you?

daily reminder that Seagal was in an all black band when he was just 9 years old

Where exactly did the "punani" thing come from? I know about "snatch every motherfucker birthday" but did I miss something about punanis?

THIS MUTHA AIN'T WHITE!

you could use google

youtube.com/watch?v=vLe_BZ1mo3I

Why on earth would anyone run up to a guy wielding a fucking sword?

>Seagal leads a multicultural team to kill muzzies and slavsquats

Now this I can get behind.

Where is ROB VAN DAM?

Lets add "On Deadly Ground"

Great MY COCAINE performance

do you see the wakizashi that segal is holding? Are you not familiar with what japanese steel wielded by a master swordsman such as himself is capable of? If they were to try and shoot him he would just deflect the bullets, at least in close range he has a fighting chance.

m8, japanese craftsmanship makes it possible for expert swordsmen to just outright cut bullets in half

Isn't that the environmental one? I remember some cool action, but also a lot of ridiculous nonsense.

>Seagals best film in years

yes but at seagals level he can deflect the bullets back at the shooter, making using a gun against him downright suicidal

Its the oil rig environmental one.

The other environmental one is Fire Down Below, where he is an EPA agent. Also a decent one.

He literally looks the same in every different movie

I was in a flight with him two years back. He's really fat, also he was twenty five min late, the prick.

NEVER 4GET
>youtu.be/BF8sWDUZcSE

He wouldn't open his eyes so they had to cgi them into the poster.

I bet everyone in that plane felt safer for having a martial-arts counter terrorism expert Seagal on board.

Did he have a punani with him?

>Game On

What did he mean by this?

why the fuck is he firing full auto into the dirt his finger isnt even on the fucking trigger wtf

>This fucking green screen

Jesus Christ?

>That dialog from 1:13 to 1:27

I couldn't understand a word of what they were saying.

beautiful gun one of my personal favorites

Haven't watched a Seagal kino since Exit Wounds. Which one of the newer ones should I watch to see just how bad it's gotten?

Who does he nod at when he turns the corner? Please tell me it's one of the film crew off camera.

It was at least 80% birthday snatching punani

As if they pay for movies.

why does he throw away his scabbard?

I seriously don't understand why or who would watch a direct to dvd or direct to demand movie.

>mfw his Stand name could be a reference to one of his hit songs
>mfw his Stand name is [Punani]

ARAKI GET ON THIS SHIT

Because he is always watching

I had a dream I was staying in LA with Seagal while training to get in to the film industry. He was in a night gown while we ate breakfast and was showing me all the books he wrote. He then took me to meet Geard Butler at a cafe.

I sure hope Segal didn't snatch my boipunani when I stayed with him though. He seemed kinda' close to me in his night gown.

Would YOU let Segal snatch your boipunani to get a starring role in his films?

some internet nerd probably made a new series gushing about how "so bad it's good" Seagal movies are and Cred Forums is now liking him "ironically" like they do that one coon-ass movie critic who says dumb shit for attention.

>6 million years in paint

kek
every fucking time

N-NANI?!

Ha-HAMON-ka?!!?!?

>guns are phallic symbols

Freud was a hack

Reminder that they allowed Steven Seagal to drive a tank in Arizona.

He plowed through a farmer's wall, killed 200 chickens and shot the family dog

no this is not a meme and is actually true

That's good.

Hey it's Gary Busey. And Tommy Lee Jones hot damn.

>home movie tier
>80% of the trailer is Seagal effortlessly taking down dozens of armed guards by simply waving his arms in front of him
>stands out like a sore thumb, super tall, bloated, fat guy with a big black suit and glasses
>movie doesn't exist for any reason other than Seagal stroking his ego


Is this what Kino is then?

Yep. Good cast, and those two were a blast in this movie. Easily the best Seagal.

BASED Seagal

It exists to make money just like every movie ever.

>manlet detected
There's a reason why weight classes exist. Look up Connor McGregor, who is considered one of the best active UFC fighters. He's I think 5'9'' and probably 150 lbs. Then watch the video of where he tries to spar with The Mountain (yes, THAT mountain). He gets thrown around like a ragdoll. I'm pretty sure the mountain has little to no fighting experience, but he's just so big that he can easily overpower someone like Connor, who has been training his whole life.

That might be an extreme example, but if you take two average guys and have them fight one another, and say, one is 50 or more pounds heavier than the other, the heavier guy is gonna win 9 times out of 10. Like I said, weight classes exist for a reason. But a 64 year old Seagal would probably lose to Tom Cruise, although it would be a close fight.


I just realized how ridiculous my entire post is but fuck it, I already typed it out.

>seagal home video release
>making profit

A movie doesn't need to pull in more in sales than it costs to make profit.

>tax write offs
>money laundering
etc

Underrated.

Is Steven the king of operator kino?

i think we need new theme for seagal generals
or at least an extension

Yeah, I'm thinking he's back.

When did Ja/ck/ get into action movies?

...

Who the fuck keeps financing these Seagal movies?
Is it the CIA to keep their old agent / assassin in check, or is it Putin to keep his friend / bodyguard happy?

i think some sort of warlock or demon is holding seagull in his own personal purgatory where he endlessly makes these action films for all eternity and the hope and life has left seagal completely and that's why we're left with these bizarre tim and eric films

It's a money laundering scheme for the Russian mafia.

>that fart at 1:07

im in fucking tears laughing

why does steven seagal voice looks like a dying fatass?

You've gotta be an Aussie because that was top tier bants

He's kinda like Trump

Sword is magnetic and attracts the bullets.

m-moar

D-Damn, Keanu....you're a fucking badass bro...just...damn...

kek'd

This one is my favorite, it's just so bizarre.

Yeah bro! All I watch is capeshit 24/7 it's fucking badass, who deadpool here? Heh, boobies (that was me being deadpool for a minute lol).

wew lad

why is he so great?

CUZ NOW

It was my idunnoth b-day, horribly depressed; then I watched a few Steven Seagal movies and everything was better. I found this song and was reborn
youtube.com/watch?v=338D3HTto6M

>aaaa, what's up, doc?

EECEE