What was the worst sex you've ever had?

I was visiting my 1st girlfriend's new house, and we were alone that night (no one had moved in yet.) She asked if I wanted to fuck, but I didn't have condoms so I told her I would grab some at the liquor store. There and back in 15 minutes. In that time, she had started sobbing and called her friend, accusing me of ditching her to laugh at her with my friends. I came back, we fuck. Midway, her friend that she called shows up at the house and pepper-sprays me thinking it's rape. We broke up three days later. (Worth noting that pepper-spraying chick and my best friend were recent exes.)

...

Same story, but sober and I stopped earlier because she had a tampon in and it starting tearing and I had paper in my mouth.

She didn't even tell me she was on her period.

I guess the normal boring sessions with long time gf. Anyway, better story from now single life:

Was eating a girl out, and before she came, she kept moving her pelvis up and down. She kept going faster, and eventually hit me with it so hard right into my nose, that I got a nosebleed.

Felt a little blood, and I thought I hit her pussy with my teeth and cut her. Didn't say shit, only noticed that it was from my nose after that

It was the first time in a while for me and I still didn’t bust my nut. That’s what sucks. Her boobs were soooooo nice tho.

>Drunk
>Puked on bed mid-hanky panky
>Which made her puke

The Japanese would have worshiped me as a God if they had a recording.

>21 college kid
>tinder date with an open bobs that goes to other college in my city
>sexiest Indian I've ever seen, big tits, nice ass, 5'4, long brown hair, Dominican sounding voice
>pick her up, drive her back to my place
>we smoke, talk, start to kiss and grind
"But I'm on my period"
>she still wants to sleep over
>eventually go to sleep with balls the size of balloons
FF to 5am
>both inexplicably half awake at the same time
*grind dick slightly into her ass* (you awake)
*she grinds her ass back against my dick* (yeah)
>we start grinding, kissing, feeling again
>reach a hand back and undo her bra
>perfect little quarter sized brown nipples on a set of beautiful perky tits
>slide her underwear off her skinny little hips
>reveal a perfectly smooth, hairless tight pussy
>kissing and nibbling her neck and caressing her firm perky tits as I hear the magic words
"Do you want to try anal?"
>she immediately turns around and gets on all fours, head down on the mattress, ass up in the air
>see a perfect little butthole dilating in and out with excitement as she prepares to take my dick
>I try to spit on it, but I still have cotton mouth
>the spit hangs off my lip and I swing it onto her butthole by leaning in and flicking my head forward a bit
"Thats not enough, we need more" she says as she feels an egregiously small drop of spit land on her butthole
>I lean in one more time and I'm trying to muster up as much fluid as my body has left
>just as I'm breathing in to land a spit wad on her asshole...
*pfrrrrrrrrrrrrrt*
>right up my nose with a curry stink bomb
>smelled awful, and I was at point blank range
>she pretends not to notice so we fuck anyways

I was drunk and high on xanax and my friends convinced he to have sex with this little black girl I think she was 13. But anyways I didn't even last like 5 minutes she blew me and I butted almost immediately after sticking it inside her. I feel very ashamed for it yet very lucky I didn't catch anything seeing how she was a promiscuous little nigger baby

>It was with this half black girl.

guarantee she was raped by one of her mom's MANY black boyfriends

Knocked my current fiancee and baby momma's tooth out with a head butt during one particularly exuberant session.

>Tough to explain to parents.

They knew. How do you think you came along? Ol' dad wouldn't pull out of mom whether she was on her period or the condom broke or the house on fire.

The 3rd time with my uncle

Fucking lol. Underrated post.

Not that bad imo

>she

Asking seems pretty submissive. That was your bad white boi

Kek

...

I ate out a landwhale

thats rough

Hooked up with a girl I knew in highschool. She was fairly attractive and ended up having a nice rack and super tight pussy.

We hook up and her skin felt rough like sandpaper. Then she got on top and just sat there. I ended up having to pump until I came. She sounded and appeared to be enjoying it.

Then she rolled off me and just layed there in the dark.

It was super awkward. So i dressed and left.

Then maybe a week later she text saying the sex was great and she wanted to do it again. Never ended up doing it. Her skin texture freaked me out and her reaction made me weary like she'd clai rape.

Surely your common sense and nose warned you of the dangers before you got too close?

So I ask you.

Why?

I was drunk, I didn't have common sense

>stick penis in ex girlfriend
>in and out a few times
>"stop it hurts"
>"wat"
>"it hurts"
>"how do you mean?"
>"it jsut hurts"
>takes same dick no problem loads of times before
>fucking wat

This girl who liked me surprised me with a threesome. I couldn’t get hard and my peeper curled up and hid. Hours later I woke up in jail. Fuck Xanax.

she probably wasn't wet enough.

Sometimes you have to lick it before you stick it men.

i guess, what pissed me off the most about her was her complete lack of ability to communicate so i guess well never know

She wasn't wet enough dumbass. You didn't turn her on enough and must suck at foreplay.

Goddamn you don't know shit about women.

wahhhhhhhhhhhh

Sorry you don't know how to fuck and she left your ass. Learn where a clitoris is retard.

Yeah that's why I put 0 effort into dating.
Personally I've been hit, punched had my car vandalized by ex's and that's just for not calling them for a day or two.
Really mental bitches.

wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

This is why shower sex was invented.

kek

Shower sex doesn't work

Anybody whos actually gotten any would know this.

Then you are doing it wrong. Girls are horny as hell when they are on their period. At least mine was. however It was a total mess when fucking her on her period. So we decided to do it in the shower whenever it was her time of the month.

No mess. A nice change of scenery besides constantly on the bed. All the blood washing down the drain and you and your gf enjoy a good fucking. If it doesnt work for you then you are doing something wrong :O

>stick it in
>rotting fish carcass smell
>pukes internally
>bitch says I'm too big and it hurts
>pulled out
>pissed as fuck
>told bitch to walk 23 miles home
My first and last experience with sex right here.
I'm 36 now. Was 21 when this happened.

The blood acts as a natural lubricant. Anyone whos gotten any, and isn't afraid of the red sea would know this.

Sex with my first wife was purdy bad. She had this hip injury years earlier when she was in the military, so that complicated things. She only wanted to have sex in this one position. It was ridiculously awkward and uncomfortable for me. Basically, I had to sit on my feet with my legs folded in front of me. She would lay on her back with her butt resting on my legs and her legs folded. I would do all of the work with her full weight on my legs, and my dong would frequently pop out because her goalpost was just too damn far away. I like unusual positions and will try anything once --but a crappy position every time is frustrating enough that I honestly would rather have blueballs.

i once fucked my dead dog, shit was cash

was her mouth injured too?

>drank blood
>haunted 20 years later
Sounds kind of hot actually, Lestat.

>Sometimes you have to lick it before you stick it men.

I'm not licking my own dick

What do we not do when we see crazy? We don't put our dicks into it. That's what we don't do.

i fucked a dog

Good story. You win.

jair?

Good question, it might as well have been. She wouldn't take in more than the tip which to me is just foreplay. She also horny and really anxious to have kids and wanted her awkward-ass vaginal sex exclusively.

This is a thread about bad sex, anons.

I tried to have drunken sex with a cute guy only to find out that 1). hes a virgin 2). he has a micro penis

I've never felt such shame and disgust

Tried to have sex with an 8 while my dick only goes up for 9s and 10s so that was pretty awkward

>be really tired
>LDR gf comes to visit
>initiates sex even though neither of us are interested
>goes to the bathroom halfway to pee through (this totally ruins it and I hate every woman that does this)
>comes back and just limply lies flat on the bed and tells me to finish
>have a very mediocre orgasm and go to sleep
>lament dumping my ex because she actually enjoyed having sex with me

Her boyfriend walked in on us.

/thread

Reddit spacing
>no greentext
GTFO

This. water getting around it may as well be fucking fully dry at that point.

Fat ugly girl on the sofa at my friend's house when he was in the room. He went off to make a cup of tea, she started crying, I decided it wasn't worth it and asked her to leave.

Bath sex is much worse.

The guy couldn't get it up than he started to cry and say it was because he love me too much.

Had a freind from basic training went to go see him I ride with his sister to her house and he's supposed to meet us. We get there first she wants a massage and she busted out her tittys and oil knock on the door it's my friend can't get the door open bc my hands were covered in oil and she's running around trying to find her clothes fast forward to 3am woke up buttnaked in her bed needing to vomit didn't know where I was oh shit it's happening put hands over face and walk in circles pukeing puked on all her clean clothes and my phone broke my phone found a bathroom cleaned up go back to vomit filled bed she asks if I threw up nope. Pass out she was pissed when she had work in the morning she still trys to fuck tho

Crayon eater's language everyone.

no wonder you are on Cred Forums. that seems like worse than being an old virgin.

>Learn to greentext

I pulled out a tampon and went down on my FB
No fucks given

I got another one they had this 5/10 bitch I was getting to fuck my brother I told her like 10 times at the bar she was gunna fuck him and she agreed I should of seen what was coming next after she made out with me. We end up crashing at her place bc gd was I hammered my brother goes to her room she starts making out with me and I push her away and say go fuck my brother then she starts sucking my dick and I was like well now I gotta get a nut so we start fucking and she started biteing me and it got intense tore that bitches house apart flipped a couch and shit my bro comes walking out her room and she runs and jumps on him talk about an akward ass morning when he walks out and we both got the same bruses lol

thats a real man

D-daddy?

I've done that too, we still fucked.

Man he dodged some child support on you

Average American soldier, folks.

wahhhh wow, women have to pee so bad it ruins their sex? big bummer. Quit being such a whiner. My gf does this all the time, and while I'm waiting I just fantasize about fucking her so my dick stays hard. You need to work on your visualization skills, so you can stay hard. But it's understandable since you said you weren't interested. And if you do go limp then she can usually bring you back up if she actually trys. It's not hard to ask.

fucked a landwhale. never again

Was her asshole broken too?

Sorry I don't know how to greentext
21yo, exchange student in South Korea
Eat at my home with 33yo 6/10 english teacher
Drink a lot of beer
She's too drunk to go back with her car
Stays for the night, we both sleep in my 1 person bed
Both horny start foreplay, I go get a condom
She goes starfish.jpg doesn't move, barely make a sound
I was fucking disapointed and she still text me to meet again

that's what all korean girls are like. you have to teach them.

ThisMust of been some shitty fucking sex for her, and you knew it. "want to switch"? You noticed how fucking bored she was. You should have rolled over and put her on top beta cuck

Disagree, also met some pretty slutty girls

yeah, but you could have made her slutty

with my X, when I was fucking her and she was just looking at the wall emotionless

She got neurofermstitis
Its a skin Problem dumb fool

dated this chick a year ago. she kinda always had a smelly vag and she asked me why i never wanted to eat her out. ended up doing it and puking and she didn't want to really fuck me after that. we still did but it was pretty fucking dead fish at that point

I've had a woman's husband beat on the door while I was fucking his wife. I then proceeded to jump out the bedroom window (it was a bungalow) and run away with my pants round my ankles. Heard the next day he raped her. Still. Got to shoot my load and she was pretty hot. She went to jail for abusing animals after that. Silly slag. She owned a care home nearby where I live.

>couldn't cum
Did you show her how to orgasm old man? Eat that pussy out until her eyes rolled into the back of her head

It's too bad she wasn't on her period, since you could obviously use some.

Fucking run-on sentence mongoloid.

Can't be the worst, that's breddy good.

...

Tore my frenulum a couple times. First time was definitely the worst, was fucking an asian exchange student and almost passed out from blood loss.

Best part is she thought it was her because I nutted in her a few days earlier raw and she had to take the morning after pill which can fuck your cycle.

Faked an orgasm. I'm a man.

This post made me retarded.

>what was the worst sex you've ever had?
doing your mom

yes yours, at the walmart picking out your drawers

So much superfluous information.
How was the sex?
"Oh let me tell you about her ownership of a local carehome..."
WTF?

Kekd and checkd

This, water flowing in nose and mouth, everything feels dry, unflavoured smell and I'm desensitized as fuck.

It's a pain to get an orgasm while masturbating, during sex it was difficult even to stay hard.

My ex said it was a fetish of her but I didn't manage to satisfy her that way (add that I'm 185cm and she was 150 so it was difficult to fuck while standing)

Trevor?

OPs mom becuase it made this shitty thread possible

Handjob and eye contact is easier, eating is better but more difficult

>be me at a low point in my life
>fuck this whale from time to time because no shameful pussy better than no pussy
>she has a bf but hes beta
>she starts sucking my cock randomly one day after work, she has not yet showered, and then wants sex
>she bends her lard ass over and I goto work, looking like a nerd carrying an overflowing stack of books down the hallway as I try to hold onto her large ass
>all of a sudden.... the stench arises
>smells like someone died a week ago
>is her bf literally dead and lost inside of her vagoo?
>immediately lose erection and she wonders whats wrong
>at first I dont want to hurt her feelings, shes already fat
>dont want to risk my reputation so I have to tell her, "your cunt stinks and I cant focus"
>didnt cum, we never spoke again. shes married to her beta bf now

good

I'd rather masturbate than fuck a landwhale.

I would fap to this, definitely.

>Eating out girl
>Suddenly peas and carrots
>wtf.rar
>"Why the fuck is there vegetables in your pussy?"
>"I forgot to wash last night, some guy was sick"

This guys so fucking mad eks dee

>got hard
>chick legit has a vice grip pussy
>came in under a minute

more recently
>can never keep a hardon during sex
>fuck for like 5 minutes
>get so soft cant even get it in
>pretend im tired an fall asleep

fuck me guys

>sober and I stopped earlier because she had a tampon in and it starting tearing and I had paper in my mouth
I'll take "Things that never happened for $500" please Bob

didn't have yet -- will stay virgin probably forever

This. They say you aren't a man until you've got blood on your sword.

She looks very disappointed, whatever it was.

To green-text just use >
>like this

Holy fuck, some people really do have a lives like this? It's like a movie script.

No

Sex is like fishing. When it's good it's really good. When it's bad it's still pretty good.

>be this 38yo virgin ugly woman
>lifetime friend (fat 40yo virgin) eventually accepts to have dinner at home
>dude comes over, nice dinner, netflix and chilling
>she eventually undresses
>then undresses him
>the two are both naked on the bed while some shitty police fiction still goes on
>she announces him they're going to have sex
>dude literally spergs out, says "I'm scared!", quickly dresses and runs away while she's all wtf-wtf-wtfck'ing

Actually happened.
I was that dude.
And that's how she had the worst sex of her life: "no sex".
And that's also how I preserved my virginity.

>told bitch to walk 23 miles home
fucking lool

Recently all my sex has been lame. I used to have an 8" penis with slightly above average girth covered in veins with huge balls, now im lucky to have a floppy 6" penis with shrunken balls. I drink every night for the last 5 years and jack off to weird porn every day , slumped into depression because I'm a drug dealer and hate everything. It's my fault though, I hope I can reverse the damage

>shes already fat
lol

My first time, shit was bogus.

>be me
>22 years ago
>15
>at gf house
>her mom and sister have to run errands and will brb
>ok see ya
>just me and her
>:unzip dick:
>tell her "just suck it a lil bit"
>she dont want to
>ffs
>"well at least stroke it"
>she gets up and leads me to her room
>awkwardly hold pants up waddling walking through her house with wang floppin around all over the place
>i take my clothes off
>she takes bottoms off
>grab those dank sex ed condors they give out freely at the school
>wrap it up
>jam it in
>she looks terrified/excited
>start thrusting like a down syndrome potato tard hopped up on crystal meth
>awkward silence as we fuck
>dont know why but I break the silence and say "So... Come here often?"
>she starts laughing so hard she pisses on my crotch
>jump off like WTF?
>here car pull up
>her mom and sister are back
>room stinks of pussy, piss, and condor rubber smell
>scramble to throw on clothes
>squirt some air freshener and bail into livingroom almost breaking the couch diving into it
>her mom and sister ask why we both smell like air freshener
>tell them that i told gf she smelled like ripe ass and had a air freshener battle
>go home after a few hours
>go to take a piss
>see condor still loosely around dick
>piss then fap

It doesn't work because no matter how wet she gets the water is just gonna make it feel like fucking the inside of a balloon.

>Wizard Status: Maintained
>tfw you get blackout drunk and cast a preservation spell on yourself with no particular attention paid to the reagents

whats fucking a live log like, I wonder?

Got my fiance pregnant with twins.

>and pepper-sprays me
kek.
If it was her, I'd also tazed you.
still kekking hard.

>curry stink bomb
kekking harder

>gay faggot finds out real life is not like porn gay videos
kekking even harder

ok, now back to your homework.

>>initiates sex even though neither of us are interested
semi-sensible kek

>a cup of tea, she started crying
did she hate tea so much? or was she scared of your saggy tiny penor?

wonderful, not even a comma.
at least you were able to use a full stop (a single one, you clearly don't want to waste bandwidth)

you literal threadpost rapist !!

pics or it never happened

>>all of a sudden.... the stench arises
top zozzle

>with wang floppin around all over the place
gross and gay

>almost breaking the couch diving into it
topzozzling harder

>whats fucking a live log like, I wonder?
sounds like you should summon andy sixx

yep. me too,now. you live and you learn.

I worked at an old home when I was 18 or 19. Someones hot young grand daughter came in one day to visit. I grew up in a shitty area but moved to the suburbs my senior year, so this girl was still a dime in my eyes.

We started chatting it up right away and I got her number. Picked her up that weekend. She still lived at home. Dad asked me to take care of her on our date. The way he asked me almost made me feel bad. It wasn't like an authoritative way, it was more like "shes a fuck up...please be respectful of her" type of way.

Anyways, we got a bite to eat. Conversation sucked. She was dumb as a brick. Went back to my place. Made out, that was nice. Went to the bedroom. She wanted the lights off. I'm okay with it being dark...but she wanted like NO fucking light. But I'm trying to smash so I agree. I hate trying to fuck in the pitch black like that. It's cool with someone you know and have been with for a while. But when its someone new it just makes everything awkward.

Anyways, there is almost no foreplay. No blowjob, she doesn't want me to go down on her. She was just went enough for me to get in. I remember thinking that maybe she's just not into it but any time I had a doubt she'd erase it by giving me a bit of direction.

We stopped having sex about 5 minutes in. Missionary...surprise. She said it hurts too much, she WAS wet so it wasn't a dryness issue. I asked if I was too big. I'm not super long by any means but I am girthy. She replied with "no, I'm just too tight"

It was kind of in a snobby way. Hard to describe. Almost like she expects guys to have smaller dicks just to fit her tiny vagina. Anyways, sex ended there. No offerings to finish me off. It was just sort of a bleh evening all around.

found the landwhale lol

no wonder it was shitty sex you had a large bird on your dick

My ex. She just laid there like a dead fish

>fapping so much you can't finish with a woman

This is why I hate this board

bro seriously? you just stare into her eyes and finger her and she cums easy?! that crazytalk

stop watching porn you fucking cuck its causing ED. or you need to lay off the tofu as youre turning into a estrogen filled soyboy

Never did ask why she was crying. I didn't actually know her. Was a weird situation now I look back on it.

Portuguese girl that was throwing herself at me for weeks. I was fucking a friend of hers and didn't want her to get jealous as the friend was really sexy and a freak. But after I stopped seeing the friend, I figured I might as well just add to my numbers. It was free and easy sex. I felt weird about it as I was always about quality and not quantity. Portuguese girl had a good body but face was pretty meh.

Well, smash cut to us in bed. And me seeing her hairy asshole. I must have made a face because she noticed but kept going. I wasn't that into it but at that point I could basically hear my penis saying "you can stay but I'm outta here." All the sucking and licking in the world wouldn't make him join the party. God did she try.

We went to bed and she left in the morning cause she had "errands." Never talked to her again.

she was fat, ugly tits and belly, smelly loose pussy, got mad that I wouldn't eat her out. took me ages to cum because she was so gross

Well, if you make contact with her body and her face you can easily tell what she likes and with a finger on her clitoris it really is easy to make her cum in a few minutes.

With the tongue the fact that you know less what you're doing but doing it with your mouth (which is a lot versatile and wet) means it takes longer to get to the point but once you're there the orgasm is more intense

With my last gf I used to make her have an orgasm with my fingers first before sex cause I actually enjoyed it and women can have multiple orgasms and the last can be better than the first so why not

Yup worst and best is gf ... lays there like dead body

Got an older boyfriend when I was a tearaway at 14. He was mid 20s, first time we had sex he spent about 30 seconds in my pussy and then a solid half an hour in my arsehole. I'd never done anal before and he had a massive fucking tool. I was too inexperienced to tell him to change positions or something and it felt so uncomfortable. Spent 45 mins in the bathroom afterwards taking a massive poop with him banging on the door to check I was ok.

why is every guy obsessed with anal? I much prefer pussy. I would never do anal unless she asked me to.

...

>user i wanna try something i saw on pornhub
>'holy shit' I've been waiting for her to go full pornstar for our entire relationship
>In for best sex of my life
>starts off with blowjob
>standard
>she gets two hands on my dick
>tries to twist up and down with both hands
>literally giving my dick an indian (chinese) burn
>so much friction because no lube at all
>tell her to get on top
>she tries some shit where she's facing me but leaning back on my dick
>bending my dick into oblivion
>starts bouncing
>dick comes out and goes full 90 degree angle as she comes back down with full force
>she says 'omg I'm sorry'
>offers to just jerk me to finish
>i say ok but only one hand this time
>she jerks me off and just as I'm about to cum she lets go
>i say 'wtf'
>she says 'did i say you could cum yet loser?'
>she saw it all on pornhub
>i just wanted to have sex

Dunno. They all seem to want to try it.

Underrated

Anal is just better than pussy

>water based lube
>turn shower head away.

...fucking newfag manlets

>I much prefer pussy

>be 20 yo me
>friends with this 8/10 girl
>been flirting for some months, but nothing has happend
>one day she somes over to see a movie
>actually watched the whole movie
>things heating up after
>start making out, finally
>undress her
>undress me
>she's real flat, but tits are tits so no complaining
>she still a virgin
>ended up doing everything but sex
>later hear she had sex on vacation and started bleeding out of her vagina
>almost bled to death, needed surgery and shit
>she hasn't had sex since, only wants to do it with someone she really trusts
>actually asked me to have sex with her
>refused nicely, not ready to kill someone
>still flrit with her to keep the option
>gonna let someone else test the waters first

it's really not

i have checked your dubtrips

Sauce?

my fiance a little while ago and I tried to have make up sex, she was still in argument mode and tried to 'fake it till you make it' and it was very obvious, killed my boner entirely and she kinda rubbed my shoulders while I was still on top
>mfw the entire time i was receiving my "massage"

kool. how old were you? I wanna hang out with more nigger baby sluts

>I hope I can reverse the damage
Yup, but you have to go clean. Function returns.

Is that Charlie Hunnam?

cant tell if you're just completely retarded but he obviously meant her orifice

>And me seeing her hairy asshole.
So fucking animal. I'd be diamond hard seeing that.

Obvious solution is obvious. There's more than one hole down there brother. Surely you must be able to talk her round to trying hole number 2?

ex gf ...drunk and wild (begging for sex but there were like 10 ppl of her family ) at the beginning of the evening, finally get naked after ppl go...she nearly felt asleep ...boner was raging she felt hell of sorry and blowd me the first time the next morning, he rlack of skill was horrible so I took the lead and went with her to the shower to finally fucked her from behind

You have ruined the image of him trying to surreptitiously lick his dick next time

I hooked up with a feminist once from okcupid who was ok looking honestly but when she took her clothes off, even completely showered, I just couldn't get hard. I couldn't even fuck her anons. We ended up just saying "Oh well" and I went home with zero regrets. It was awkward.

sticking a vibrating egg in her ass as you do her doggy style, that's very pleasent. You can feel it on your dick.

Anal? meh. Nothing grosser than shit on your dick.

GG faggot

It is

dick covered in shit. but still... worth it

went in the wrong hole.. check for shit on dick

You big babies need to grow the fuck up... it's a little shit, who cares. I've eaten my girl's shit before, it's no big deal, at least if you're a man and not some beta cuck bitch.

Try not to fuck homeless then

She's all yours then.

?

male

probably the most common

"she just lies there doing nothing"
Smoking hot girl, no sex skills.

>i'm a a real man
>i eat shit
Pick one

Fuck i hate cunts that do this.
You dont have to reply to every post and especially in one post.

It's more than just aspergers isn't it mate?

1 of ?

>Knew a girl about twelve years ago
>Were friends and liked each other
>Made out a bit here and there
>She was religious and lived with tattletail roommates
>Never progressed any further
>Drifted apart, can't really remember why
>This is back when cell phones were just that
>Maybe she moved home
>Anyways
>Flash forward 8 years or so
>Work in oilfield
>Go out to lease site
>Medic looks kinda familiar
>Oh shit, its her
>Always wonder what happened to her
>Exchange numbers, kinda flirty
>Make a plan for days off
>Go to pick her up
>Dead of winter
>Meets me outside her house
>Don't think much of it at the time
>Oh, its because my roommate will tell my ex
>...k
>Go get some dinner
>Take her back to my place

>Take her back to my place
>Start making out
>This is okay
>Haven't been laid in about five years at this point
>Have very much lost my stroke
>Change positions a bunch of times
>Keep popping out
>Condom is getting fucked up
>Ditch the condom out of desperation
>Finally finish in doggystyle bareback
>Cum inside her
>Super awkward afterwards
>Take her home and drop her off
>Make plans the next day for some reason
>Hang out for a bit, still super awkward
>Drop her off again
>Get a deluge of text messages
>Find out that she has a kid
>Is early stage pregnant with another
>Is still with her baby daddy
>Still lives with her baby daddy
>Isn't interested in me but wants to be friends
>NopeTheFuckOutOfThis.exe
>For the next year, off and on
>Texts and calls me at random with all kinds of bullshit to try and get me to respond to her
>This is XXXs mother, XXX was hit by a car and were trying to find out what happened
>XXX was knocked down by h2s gas at work and has amnesia, were trying to get people to help job her memory
>Have to make a silent ring tone fornher numbers since this is before number blocking
>Finally it quiets down
>Think back from years ago
>She claimed she was raped and a bunch of other outlandish shit
>Realize that she is a pathological liar
>Dodged such a crazy bullet
>MFW

...

haha actually laughed user tanks

decided to fuck a landwhale because I have never done so before and wanted to see what it was like. I don't regret it but I won't be doing that again

Well I enjoyed it and thanks for cupping my balls as I ravaged your anus

I have done the same. Amazingly enthusiastic. Deepthroat and anal but there's so much blubber and it's so difficult to find the entrance under the pussy flesh that it's hard to stay focussed in my limited experience.

It was the night I lost my virginity. My girlfriend was ready and wanted it. I get about 2inches in, and she starts bawling. Apparently she had some trauma / nigger boyfriend that raped her when she was younger. I held her all night while she sobbed. (We were both 16)

fake and op

fucked a super tight chick back in high school and tore skin under my dick. we was wet as shit and it hurt like hell

OPs first trap.

>be 16
>lost like 40 lbs in the past year, looking hella good
>no one in school likes me
>sleep all the time in class, talk to no one
>take 6 klonopin
>get baked
>go on craiglist
>get flooded replies
>one guy with really nice body is also virgin
>he drives 3 hours to see me
>never actually saw a face pic
>am a complete idiot
>turns out to actually have the nice bod and ok face
>smoke weed in his small sports car
>move to back seat
>sex goes on for 3 hours
>he never actually slips inside he’s just like pressing on the outside
>have to jerk him off for him to finish
>try again with someone else the next day
>he makes it inside
>probably bled a little bit
>tells me I’m being too loud
>thought it was sexy
>turns out I’m actually being too loud
>he stops the sex and drives me home
>try again a week later
>this guy is way older than I though
>really creepy keeps trying to stare into my eyes
>leaves me on the side of the street and gets me an Uber like 20 minutes later
>gets pregnant
>really shouldn’t have missed the first day of health class

yeah, I don't think craigslist is the best way to try and lose your virginity

Found the virgin

The ending made me sad. You abort?

Unfortunately this is really how I lost my virginity

The fuck eating out is difficult? You literally just need to lick the clit. Can;t find it? Go slower and use more spit. The little shit will pop out and your tongue is more than sensitive enough to feel a little bump.

using my left hand

Adoption. They are 3 now it’s nice.

You have no contact?

>be married
>get to the stage where I'd prefer to fap over fucking
>wife puts in 1/10 effort into turning me on
>if I don't get hard a fight will ensue
>start trying to get hard
>imagination in overdrive
>get semi
>wife's handjob consists of touching my cock and occasionally moving one or two fingers on it
>I just don't want to fuck
>she decides it's ready
>rolls over for spooning position
>presses ass into cock
>not sure if I'm hard enough to go in
>imagination in overdrive
>typically end up thinking of fucking one of her sisters
>dick hard enough
>go in vaj
>cum so little I'm not even sure I cum
>we don't even say anything after
>it's just awkward silence until I muster up the strength to say something like "mmm" and she turns around and inevitably smiles a "pretty sure that disappointed you but I'll try to act happy" smile
>I get up and make toast wondering when will be a good time to fap

Married life, boys.

No it’s open I get to talk to them every couple of months

Playing “Pearl Harbor” with your mom. I laid there while she blew the hell out of me

>>I swallowed period blood and it still haunts me today 20yrs later
Suck a fuck man ate out a chick on her period and she thought it was hot as fuck. Jokes on her though I litterally have no sense of taste. Everything is just different consistencies of water.

We started going at it doggy style when all ofasudden my stomach starts growling. I keep it quiet but it soon comes back only stronger.

At that point I'm inside this girl but I feel like someone sucker punched my stomach. I stop to gather myself but it was no use. Everything was already in motion.

I get off this girl and run towards the bathroom. I sit there and laid the worst,fouliest smelling shit I had ever taken. It as bad. Well, after 30mins of agonizing pain the whole thing is over by the toilet won't flush. Fuck me.

I get out there and asked her to give me the plunger. Unclogged the toilet and left out the window. Never talked to her again.

Fuck me

This is me like 3 months into a relationship.
I just get bored after tons of honeymoon sex and get wandering eyes.
I literally dont get monogamous people or how they do it

>Married life, boys.
how is it exactly you manage this? I've been with my gf for five years straight and sex is still sincere. Did you marry her the day you met her and didn't even try to understand how she ticked?

dumb and dumber, yawn

Nasty shit

What were your parents doin checking your bed sheets at age 17?

I'm 100% serious this happened.

This happens to me all the time. I try nofap. Last time for like a week. Same thing.

hearthly kek

Mom and dad use to take turns fingering my ass to make sure “I was clean back there”.

>Married life
For you maybe. I'm not drowning in pussy, but we have been together for six years and still have a semi regular sex life.

I think he meant that his mom does the laundry.

kek

xd

>what was the worst sex you've ever had?
Goin down on a date who smelt like rotted fish.
>Lost hope and hard-on after that.

>make sure “I was clean back there”.
>tfw IBS and this is never the case, there's always some lingering sheen of shit no matter how much I shower or wipe with babby wipes or eight gorillion ply toilet paper, its right back there in an hour or so
At least its not as bad as it could be, but man I sure would like to know what a clean asshole feels like.

I guess my intention in the example is to show that sometimes I don't want to fuck, but if my wife makes a move I need to force it or a fight will ensue.

I make a move billions of times and get turned down, but if a guy turns down his wife it's wwIII

We are capable of having good sex if we're both feeling it. But she's descended into " crabby bitch wife" mode a lot of the time, I'd rather just work overtime and play vidya than see her naked.

Kekkerlekkers

Cred Forums post; director's cut

don't fucking give in to her then. refuse sex unless she changes.

I fucked a mexican. I ask about eating her out she says its too ticklish she doesnt like that. Okay well what about a blowjob to get me going? No I dont like sucking dick. Alright well how about going on top? No I like to be on the bottom. Fine.

That is the story of I fucked the girl I nicknamed Cardboard. Not just because of skin color but because she laid there on the carpet like a piece of cardboard.

...

We have kids and if we don't have sex daily it's abnormal. Thread asked for worst sex stories. My worst sex stories are when I cbf having sex but need to force it to reduce my wife's insecurities. Good on you for your semi regular sex. I'd much prefer that to daily going through the motions most of the time sex. Its good sex maybe once every few weeks.

Your parents are idiots if they couldn't put 2 and 2 together here, user.

I look forward to you believing this is a good idea in your marriage.

That time with your mom.
It would have been okay but your dad was just crying in the corner.

>be in class hiding phone while on whisper
>girl says is bored reply that we should hang out
>another girl says she's bored, reply with we should fuck
>both down so set different times so I can fuck them after class
>girl 1, kinda thick and really into supernatural
>has supernatural on while we fuck and her dog sits in the corner watching
>tells me she's house sitting and her "bf" is busy with his wife so she wanted to do something
>had a good time but have to hurry cause girl 2 waiting
>say I have work and got to go
>girl 2 lives closer to my house, yes!
>lives with roommate but not home
>one bedroom apartment
>broken shower
>too many other signs but fuck it still horny
>eat her out and tease her til she begs me to fuck
>going at it for a while missionary cause she wants to kiss
>tell her let's switch to doggy
>when I pull out notice blood all over my cock
>ask if she's on her period
No
>wtf?
>tell her and she is freaked out but playing it off
>says she has to go to work
>gladly leave and shower at home

Called me next day to fuck. Wasn't period, tried again. This time with condom but penis couldn't stay hard and she was scared of getting pregnant. so bounced and never replied til weeks later when she was down for bare again

Is that his sister?

When I was 15 I drank too much and I had sex with a 10/10 girl and I went soft in her. Still fucked for a couple of years after and we laughed about it. So I guess that went well?

Dude looks like a mongloid.

>awkwardly hold pants up waddling walking through her house with wang floppin around all over the place

Why she seems so "happy" i bet...

Fuck off, logfag.

Hooked up with this super fat chick from whisper. At the time I was also pretty fat. It was nearly impossible to get my dick in with our bellies in the way.

Also, I had an Xbox one with facial recognition and it recognized her as my roommate who was also fat

TLDR don’t get fat because fat sex is a fucking hassle

That means she wasn't into it. On a deeper level, she didn't want your dick in her.

Wasn't really sex, but

>about a year after big break up
>get on okcupid because never any luck on tinder
>swipe, swipe, swipe
>black chick, landwhale
>not exactly a looker myself, so can't complain too much
>never been with a black chick so let's try it
>go on a few dates, made out on first date
>third date is her coming over to my place
>pop in a movie and hang out on my bed, eventually start making out
>she unbuttons my jeans and whips my dick out, starts sucking
>pic related, fat chicks really do give amazing head, deepthroat and everything
>she goes on for a while, too, none of that tease for two minutes shit
>I eventually tell her to stop, it was actually becoming too good, tell her I had to return the favor
>pull her leggings and skirt off, first time seeing a black poon
>smells rank
>start going down on her, tastes even worse
>actually gagged while going down
>stopped after her legs and body quivered and she let out a huge sigh

Tl;Dr I'm never going down on a black chick again.

>be me, 7 or 8
>get dropped off regularly at parents freinds farm to be babysat
>memory is a little fuzzy on the details
>farm hand led me into barn
>thank god i barely remember it
>still hate faggots to this day

Not entirely true. Had a gf I could fuck under water. She could get quite wet, so even that much water didn't matter. But with all before and after her, that wasn't possible, even though most got sufficiently wet when turned on.

Lol, that's all you got? Weak, faggot.

Also, ghosted said fat black chick so hard after that, as she was becoming too clingy.

>try fuck girl
>she say no
>i say why
>she say because we not have condom
>i fuck her in ass
>got shit on dick

shit fuck bitch

Punctuation is our friend.

>condor

I watched this guy jerk it. That was fun

Yeah tell us all how it's done, stud. Go fuck yourself internet love making god.

nah, it's because she was fat. I've eaten out a black girl before and she tasted great.

>am i too big
>no, im just too tight

FUCKIN LUL. Women can be so fucking dumb.

Alex, not Bob. Get the fucking joke right.

>05/04/17 New trial board added: /bant/ - International/Random
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>[Hide] [Show All]
Rude Jude wins this challenge. Sorry for the novel but literally from his book.

“I was f**king with this one broad. I pulled her from a restaurant. She was like this white girl that moved out from the country. She was running through brothers,” he began. “Somehow I pulled her. She was like, ‘I usually don’t f**k with white dudes.’ We were f**king around for a little bit and she hit me up like, ‘Hey man, I need you to do me a favor. I got pregnant by this ball player and I need you to take me to the abortion clinic.’ I’m like, ‘Alright, I’ll take you to the abortion clinic.’ So I stayed the night with her because I didn’t have a car. I’d been through a couple of abortions by then and I knew you couldn’t f**k for a week. They sent her home in a diaper. It’s f**ked up. You can’t bang for a week. I’m like, “I’m gonna get some pu**y before this sh*t goes down and I’m gonna cum in her” because you can f**king cum in pregnant girls and they can’t get pregnant again. That’s the f**king awesome thing about it.

Naturally, the story gets worse because of course.

It’s the morning of the abortion. I’m trying to put the moves on her. She’s just not in the mood because she’s gotta get a f**king abortion. I was 18-years-old. I was a d!ck. I wasn’t thinking about her feelings. I was like, “I got this.” I start kissing her titties. She’s like, “No, no, no.” I’m like, “Girl I got you. Don’t worry.” I go down on her and it tastes like f**king death; like hopelessness and f**king fish and panties. It’s awful. But here’s the deal.

cont.

My old man, we was broke. So if I wasted food my dad would make me go in the f**king garbage and eat it. I’ve ate from the trash before so this is nothing. So I’m eating thinking either I’m gonna get used to this or some new sh*t will flow out and it’ll taste better. That sh*t keeps juicing up. Usually if a girl’s pu**y stank, if you smash for a little bit it’ll [smell better]. It’s like a self-cleaning oven, it’ll flush itself out. But it never flushed itself out so I was like, “We gotta stop.” I go and wash up. I’m a mess. I tried to act like, “You know, maybe we shouldn’t be doing this.” I don’t wanna tell her that her your f**king pu**y smells like a shoe. I don’t want to tell her that.

We go to the f**king abortion clinic. It’s on the east side of town in Michigan. It’s f**king Winter time. It’s f**king gray snow, super bleek—the perfect day for an abortion. The clinic’s at a f**king grimey-ass goddamn strip mall with the f**ked-up concrete, right next to a Subway. I’m sitting there in the clinic waiting for her to get her sh*t done. She goes inside. Everyone’s looking at me like I’m the f**king asshole. I’m like, “Dude, it wasn’t even me. It was some ball player. I’m just here for f**king moral support.” I’m flipping through the magazine and she comes out in five minutes. I told you, I’ve been through this before. It usually takes longer than five minutes. I’m like “Goddamn, what’d you do, change your mind? You gonna keep the baby?” She’s like, “Nah. I had a miscarriage.” In my head I was like, “I ate a baby. I ate a little black kid. I ate a child. I ate a f**king child, man.”

You'll hit a certain point when you hit your peak and sex is not a big thing for her.

This is why I think picking up a male fuck buddy sound like a great idea. A guy you could hit the gym and then go for a beer and watch the game..

These days, who in their right mind would want to have an affair with a woman, who will eventually turn into a psycho bitch from hell, invariably resulting in a costly divorce?

I have selective mutism and once I was in bed with my gf at the time and couldn't tell her no. She eventually stopped when I started crying and like I don't blame her at all, but it still fucked me up. She did a really good job of trying to take care of me afterwards.

Oddly, any sex initiated by someone else was the worst for me.

kekt

with you

Oh shut up it’s not that bad

I hate sex.

>having such a tepid love life that eating a little blood is what truamatizes you

how are you such a big baby? I bet you cry when you get a cavity filled, too.

Kek

100% true

why

sister?

An index is way more sensible to the soft touch, also easier to move, bonus point for the toungue is that it is wet and warm, also when eating you have no output from the rest of the body which is essential

>25 virgin
>girl I have crush on and I start hanging out
>to afraid to make any moves because a virgin
>fat girl messages me on okcupid
>figure i will lose my virginity to her for practice
>first time we have sex is horrible I don't even cum
>manage to cum a few times later
>fat girl is insanely clingy after that
>finds me on Facebook and causes all sorts of drama because profile was not private
>girl I had crush on ghost me

I fucked up, but now I just remember how horrible that sex was and just jack off to 2D instead. I may have dodged a bullet though the original girls life is fucked up now.

cause it's fucking lame

try having sex with a girl that isn't a fatty

why, I think it's great.

First time having sex. A good friend was over, she was a few years younger than me. We have fun, talk, see a movie ect, and I mention that she should just feel at home. Not two secs after that comment she drops all her cloths, and lays down on my bed. She knows that I am a virgin, and teases me, asking "ain't it annoyed seeing me naked and you can't do anything?". She grinds me, and pulls me closer, takes of my cloths and we start fucking. I did not know what to do, but she didn't mind. We finish after a while and she gets picked up. I then find out that she cheated on her boyfriend, and that I wasn't the only one that she was seeing on the side. I tell her, and I didn't think it was fair to him, behold the white knight in me, and this statement began a world of hurt. She was devastated by it, told her mom everything, well, her side, and her mom then contacted me, saying that I hurt her extremely much, and if I didn't stop contacting her, she would go to the police proclaiming rape.

Years later, she is a model, and I learn from a friend that she had tried to get into the pants of almost all photographers doing her shoots, almost getting herself blacklisted.

So yeah - never, ever stick your dick in crazy.

I'm still fucjed up about this girl letting me finger her on her period. I pulled out my fingers and told her that its disgusting she didn't warn me. She just laughed. Its not funny. Its disgusting

it's only blood. don't be such a fag

...

I drank my girlfriend's pee in the shower after she only had drank coke that day.
I felt sick the rest of the evening and it still gives me chills when I think about it.

I suppose you like guro porn or you have a stinky vagina yourself

One time my boyfriend pissed in my mouth on accident during a blowjob and it tasted just like Diet Coke. Haunted to this day

>like this?

got your redwings, congrats.

Closest thing to a one night stand I ever had... was horrible. Met this chick from Match and we were pretty clear about wanting to hook up for sex. I was excited, she was a pretty cute yoga instructor. Went out, had a couple drinks, but never really hit it off on a comfortable personal level. Proceeded to attempt horrible awkward sex, and I had whisky dick.... she snuck out in the morning saying she had to teach a class. I got the fuck out of there and never spoke to her again.

the first and only time I fucked a landwhale

Are you me?

Rasmus

Literally same

you should like the taste of diet coke you fat ugly piece of monkey shit

Who pissed in your fucking corn flakes

Its only smells...

How tf do you piss with a boner fam

My Nan.
She literally just laid there and did nothing and then everyone said I ruined the funeral.
Ridiculous.

Lost my virginity last night. My dick bled a bit but no big deal. Honestly fapping is better

Basically any sex I had while on speed.

...

>everything is just different consistencies of water
Jesus christ how horrifying.

All the sex I've had has been great, for me. Except for the yelling and crying.

Just kidding, I've never had sex.

>pissing all over yourself and your interior

But why?

piss all over your Rocky Dennis lookin face bitch fat ass piece of shit tub of lard motherfucker

I’d get off harder than I ever have in my entire life

even better if im berating your fat ass while doing it

Yeah baby? You wanna get together

had sex with like my best friend on a ping pong table after a party, I fell asleep while she was blowing me

>Wife and I fooled around with her single mom best friend from time to time.
>Wife knew said friend makes terrible decisions with men so was trying to pimp me out to them.
>Got double head and it was great.
>Wife is pressuring me to fuck this coal burner.
>Feel obligated to because wife keeps pushing me about it.
>We all get together for the first time after i was in the hospital for a suicide attempt.
>Wife kept building up pressure wanting me to fuck this bitch leading up.
>Turn out raw dogging this coal burner.
>Cunt smelt fucking nasty because nobody would touch her and it was middle of the summer.
>Felt like I was fucking raped and hated myself for a long time after that.
>Did not want to hit that shit let alone raw dog it.
>Said coal burner gets a new bf, he knocks her up quickly, ditches her asap.
>Says how he didn't know whether or not to call her a dead fish for just laying there or for how janky her cunt smelled.
>Other such savage but true insults.
>No one will touch a single mom with two different race kids.
>Karma kinda fixed everything

>suicide attempt
Should have finished the job soyboy