ER doc in a violent city in the US, drunk after a shift. Posting stories about the s hit I’ve seen and the absolute morons I’ve met. Also answering questions I guess. Shitty spelling, sry. > 3 AM > check in complaint: Abdominalpain/pregnancy > Walk into room > Crazy alarm at a 11/10 > Homelss Spanish-speaking lady in downward facing don on stretcher > picking at trheads on sheet. Heart rate 130, probably on crack. > “my baby hurts” > wont let me do an ultrasound, freak out evertime I bring in the machine > wont let me do pelvic > give her Ativan to calm her down > do pelvic exam > insert speculum > small arm pops out > Not human arm > Pull on it and a fucking doll comes out. Like think cabbage patch kid but smaller > Smells like the bubonic fucking plague. Almost threw up in my mask > She cries and asks to hold it. It was disgusting so I said no. > Eventually we agree to deal it in a plastic bag and she cuddled it all the way to our psych facility
Post pic of badge name blacked out and other shit blurred or black with timestamp or larper
Ayden Parker
Talk about underage girls and how you legally fondle their hoo has
Easton James
When it comes to babies and pregnancies, it seems like thats the one thing that can break girls down.
Daniel Diaz
What she name it?
Angel Rogers
> 8 AM > Chief complaint: Constipation > First patient ever. First day ever > Bright eyed and bushy tailed > Cambodian-speaking lady, and its my first day so I cant figure out how to get a translator on the phone. Wont sit down in bed, just pacing the room. > Huabd kind of speak English, says she has to poop > “great, go ahead. I need to figure this phone out.” > Go back to desk. ~20 seconds later, smells lik farrs > 20 more seconds, smells like a portopotty > Cambodian lady diarrhead all over herself, the floor, and my soul. > Got back into bed like nothing happened. > When I finally get a translator, right away she asks me to for new pants > He room was literally right nextdoor to the empty bathroom
What’s the weirdest thing you’ve removed from a penis?
Jason Martinez
What did you major in in college and how did you do it?
Hunter Wood
Double major biology/chemistry. Straight to med school from college. Was also an EMT in college, may ad some of those stories too.
Henry Cruz
Speaking of poop stories, quick one > old lady, really sick at baseline, in for abd pain > HR spikes to 120’s on monitor, got to room and shes straining to poop > After about a minute, takes the biggest shit ive honertly ever seen. Not long, but the girth was staggering > pic related > She was all of 90lbs btw. > Vagals down due to shitting, goes into bradycardic arrest, and dies
Shadow the Hedgehog's a bitch ass motherfucker. He pissed on my fucking wife. That's right, he took his hedgehog fucking quilly dick out and he pissed on my fucking wife and he said his dick was "this big" and I said "that's disgusting".
So I'm making a callout post on my twitter dot com: Shadow the Hedgehog, you got a small dick, its the size of this walnut except way smaller. And guess what? Here's what my dong looks like. That's right baby, all point, no quills, no pillows, look at that it looks like two balls and a bong.
He fucked my wife so guess what? I'm gonna fuck the Earth. That's right this is what you get, MY SUPER LASER PISS. Except I'm not pissing on the Earth, I'm gonna go higher, I'M PISSING ON THE MOON. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT OBAMA, I PISSED ON THE MOON YOU IDIOT!
You have twenty-three hours before the piss drop-el-ets hit the fucking Earth, now get out of my fucking sight, before I piss on you too.
Hunter Morgan
>shitting so hard you die What a way to go
Lincoln Perez
I had a guy who was sounding (see: Urethral sounding) with a glass stirring rod, and it broke inside his dick. Had to have it surgically removed, and they had to give him a surgical hypospadies (urethra hole on the bottom of your shaft) during reconstruction
Aaron Perez
30 year psych nurse here. Seen a small toy truck pulled out of pussy. Seen used tampon used for teabag. Seen man piss 1200 cc (over 1 quart) into a urinal then drink all that hot piss back down. Seen a guy shove his fist up his ass . . .
Levi Ward
> 6PM > Chief complaint: Medical clearance > White uy in custody, high on PCP. @ black cops in room with him, not arresting officers. > Has a baseball sized hematoma on his forehead. Say he got it being tackled by police > Police say he ran into a wall. He starts dropping N-bombs > wrong-crowd.png > Moved to trauma bay. Calls the entire staff the n-word. Have to sedate him because he so agitated. > Finally wake up from sedation. Think hes OK to leave, so stand him up to see if he can walk. > Takes off running from cops, hits a U-turn around the corner near me at full speed, trips, and hits the exact same spot on his head against the wall. > Sutures I put in open, blood everywhere > Patients in hallway beds coverd in blood. > Young girl there for a cold saw an adult man get tazed while he called her mom a spic
Do you think I could make it with a Cell and Molecular Bio Degree if I can do it? Do you have any general advice on it?
sorry these are stupid questions
Evan Cook
I know philosophy majors who went to med school. As long as you do well on the MCATs and have some medical extra-cirriculars like research or volunteering or clinical work
Dominic King
> 5:15pm > Shift over, doing documentation. > Homeless guy creaming he has to pee. Everyone ignoring him. > Threatens to pee his pants. > “go ahead sir, that’s your choice.” > Suddenly, has brilliant idea. > Pees in plastic sandwhich container. Closes it> > Sneaks over to food area, puts it back in fridge > Think “if you can walk, just go to the bathroom” > Watch a new nurse find it. Spilled on her hand because it wasn’t water-tight. > She cried and switched to the inpatient floors the next week
> 11AM > CC: “I think im pregnant” > 14 year old girl, not that uncommon ‘round these parts > Go in room, in full hijab > Says she cant tell parents because she muslim, and premarital sex is wrong > Says she cant have an abortion because it’s against her religion > “Pre-marital sex is against your religion and you do that, I don’t see a diference.” > Took my advice to heart, ending up having and abortion > Asked for my phone number when I discharged her
> 4PM > BE young me, EMT on first day > Get called to hanging, been up for at least 16 hours (in mid-summer). Still needs to be declared officially dead by paramedic. > My partner Dale (paramedic) was the most cynical SOB I ever met > Body has pooling/lividity from feet up to knees > Declared dead, OK to cut him down. > Fire dept. cuts the rope and lowers. He comes down kind quick, feet first. > Feet hit the ground, burst open, and congealed, decomposing black human mess spills onto floor > Dale: “Who want’s soup.” > Cop next to us threw up on his partner’s shoes
Some favorite recurring patients: > M.T. – 50’s female > comes 1-2x/week for “blood coming from my colostomy” > has had to have her ostomy revised 3 times because she lets men pay her to stick their dick in it > AKA the “Philly sidecar” > C.R. – 60’s male > Total drunk asshole, but had like 5 heart attacks > kind of like playing hot-potatoe. He was never sick, but you knew hes gonna die one day and you don’t want to be the last one to see him before he dies because malpractice > Got a ride home from and ambulance from ER one day to random address (he was homeless) > Got hit by a car immediately after he stepped out of the ambulance > He deserved it > T.M – 20’s male > Would get high once a week, and come in really paranoid that he had some horrific medical problem > I actually liked him, and he brought me popeyes chicken once. > D.G. – 60’s female > Used to be a nurse at our hospital, but got fired from rooting around in the discarded meds looking for narcs > Also smoked constantly in the ER bathroom during shifts > Got really into street drugs (read: meth) and essentially developed schizophrenia > Would always come in scrubs, high as a kite, and try to pretend to be a nurse, but was clearly a crazy homeless woman.
> 4:30PM > CC: Assault > Hot-headed young-20’s black kid, picked a fight with a group of 3 guys. Got stomped. > Cuts, bruises etc, but has a big bite mark on his arm. > “did you get bit during the fight?” > “YEAH!” > “Did you get bit anywhere else?” > “YEAH, MY BACK” > “He bit your arm and your back?” > “NAH THAT WAS SOMEONE ELSE” > “You got bit by two people today?” > “THAT WAS YESTERDAY” > “You got bit by two people in two days?” > “YEAH!” > “How?” > “I have anger problems…”
> 2PM > CC: Rectal pain (3 year old) > Mom says he puts stuff up his butt when hes angry at her > Has done marbles, batteries, small toys, candy > Says he usually passes it, but this one is still ther after 2 days > Not sure what it is, but it hurts when he tries to poop > Kid looks great. When kids are sick they look terrible, but this kids is playing on his phone and eating doritos > Side-note, don’t give your 3 year old doritos and soda please > Do to do rectal exam > Swear to god, this kids planned this. He poops right before I put my finger in. > Rips a huge fart and shoots a shiny new nickel right at my face > Matrix-dodge.gif > He laughs for like 30 seconds, and then goes an plays on his phone > Give him rectal exam anyway as punishment, use middle finger instead of pinky > Kids are assholes
>>> Kids are assholes >And your fingers' been in both!
Luis Price
> Unknown time > Walking through ER on administrative business > Walking past patient rooms, all curtains, no doors > Curtain next to me rips open, scares the shit out of me > 6’5” black dude, ripped to hell, out of his mind on PCP > Hospital gown on backwards, like a robe, open in the front > Has an at least 10” black suction cup dildo on his forehead > Screams “IM THE FUCK KING” at full volume in my goddamn ear > Takes 7 security guards to strap him to the bed. They ahd to give him 600mg of ketamine to put him down
> 5PM > CC: altered mental status > Pateint from a nursing home, in his 80s, demented, cant tell me whats going on > Get him undressed to examine him, notice he has a boner > Think “good for him” > Work him up, check on him a few hours later. Still has a boner > Shit.png > Into priapism time range. Gotta fix that shit > Give him meds but it wont go down. Gotta drain that shit > Before I drain it, check his testicles, one feels weird like a hard walnut. Whatever, other shit to deal with. > Stick needle intom his dick, draw back. > No blood, clear fluid… > Maybe I went too deep, into his urethral catheter? > Pull needle out while still drawing back. More clear fluid. > Pull needle out, pinpoint stream of clear fluid squirting out the side of his penis > … > Oh shit, he has a penile implant > Weird hard testcile was the pump > Must had pumped it up by accident with his legs quirming aroud > Died later from unrelated issues, never had to deal with it
Getting tired, last one i think. Fun thread, thanks for letting me vent
> Girl with sickle cell comes in, aways faking pain to get narcotics > Pretends she cant walk b/c of her pain > Wheeled in in wheelchair from waiting room. Demanding diluadid > Tell he shes not getting anything and Im discharging her > Syas I cant because she cant walk > Argue for like 10 minutes, get pretty annoyed because shes wasting my time, and I have epeopel who are actually sick to help > Finally say fuck it, and lift her out of her wheelchair. > Put her on the floor on the other side of the room. > Wait her out, after about 15 minutes, she got up and walked to the wheelchair > Rolled her right out the door
You finger banged a kid out of spite! That is fucking awesome lol
Jackson Reed
(OP) if he does, he losing that leg. Open book pelvic fracture and his left leg is totally mottled. This is why i stick to cucumbers
Sebastian Martin
thank you, op. this is fun. give us one more. img snoozing off soon too
David Wilson
>DILAUDID ONLY THING THAT WORKS >allergic to "everything else"
Obvious red flag of a fucking addict. My mother was sadly like that for a time.
Nathaniel Butler
Please buy me a google play card i uabe nothing else i want just a small sum
Tyler Cox
> 11AM > CC: Vaginal itching > 20’s black girl with itchy labia and thighs > Has horrible chemical dermatitis, superinfected with yeast. Looked like someone threw acid on her crotch > Cannot figue out what is causing it > Finally ask what contraception she uses > “I use the no-baby wipes?” > “???” > “Yeah, I stole a bunch of the containers you have on the wall, and I just wipe with them once a day.” > Points to the chemical bleach wipes on the wall > Pic related > Warning logo has a baby with a circle and line though it, so parents don’t mistake them for bay wipes > HIGHY carcinogenic, not suppoed to touch them without gloves > She rubbed the on her vagina daily for 3 months > She had to get labia reconstruction, and will inevitably have cervical cancer in a few years > Asked me if I was going to report her for stealing the wipes
So are these types of things normal day to day things?
Do you regret becoming a doc and have to deal with all this shit?
Isaac Adams
30 years old or 30 years being a psych nurse? I did it for 10 years and left the field.
Gavin Kelly
put me in screencap pls
Julian Howard
holy shit op, keep em coming. these is great stuff
Brandon Russell
This one made me giggle.... still reading and getting caught up, good thread.
Adam Perez
usually 1 good story a week but we have a high volume.
every fucking day
Liam Robinson
Once in awhile there are great threads...
Jayden Sanders
I don't really like certain narcotics, I know they're all opioids, but morphine makes me nauseous as fuck. Oxy makes my head spin. Percs and Dilauphadil (What I called it when I was on a lot of it at 11) don't seem to have the same side affects. Does that mean I'm an addict?
these are the worst patients and thank fuck if your place really does have police/real security (big ass guys) in your ER, some don't or hire some 5'4" fuck head or a woman to be their security... it sucks
Someone who is losing a fight but wants to inflict pain and suffering.
lol ooops
good night doc, thank you for your service, I would buy you Popeyes if you're near STL.
Christian Hall
Than you OP this was super great, i had a good time, they all dessrve screen caps
Ethan Rodriguez
Well then... I guess I'm not an addict. I just have bottles and bottles of this stuff laying around.
Isaiah Moore
>3 year old >plays on his phone I call bullshit I perfectly understand elementary school kids with smartphones as those can read and sometimes need to contact their parents but a 3 year old is barely able to talk The only media 3 year olds should consume are storys read by their parents, music and maybe art
Oliver Cooper
After all the shit you've seen, are you racist now?
Noah Phillips
>10/10 thread. >OC witnessed for the first time in niggerloving years >moar OP you are NOT a faggot. Pls continue.
Parents are giving smartphones to really really young kids, it's scary.
Isaiah James
I'll never understand why anyone would want to be in the medical field, dealing with actual retards every single day. these threads raise my anger levels every single time
Wyatt Hughes
>should welcome to the real world kids get moms phone because then they shut up so mom can watch tv or do drugs nowadays
a little tbh. they actually published a study recently showing working in the inner city ERs makes you racist
Brandon Roberts
>> AKA the “Philly sidecar”
Goddamn it. I went through 53 years without knowing that term, now I'll remember it for the rest of my life (and this thread along with it).
Josiah Bennett
Gold.
Continue.
Camden Brooks
Are you "allergic" to the others? Is it the very first thing you ask for as soon as you get in for nondescript problems? Have you been there 6 times this month asking for it?
Not everyone that requests it is an addict, but the overwhelming majority are. It's one of those things that's just too conspicuous without a good medical history to back it up. Most normal patients don't even know it exists, they think morphine is the top deal.
Dominic Gray
But a 3 year old doesn't even have the capability to use it Like 5 or 6 year old kids would at least learn reading better while using it, i started using computers at that age 3 year olds aren't even able to operate a television, and that needs only 5 constant buttons >has had to have her ostomy revised 3 times because she lets men pay her to stick their dick in it Do they sew the actual asshole shut when they make a new one? Why would someone want to fuck a shithole when there is an always ready always clean asshole available?
I'm not an EMT or ER doc but i got my wilderness first responder cert and heard good stories in it and hear some stories from my girlfriend who's training to be an EMT if you guys want some stories or training scenarios to keep this going til someone better finds it. Most of my stories are just graphic but the training scenarios we did are funny
3 year olds are smarter than you think. Before Windows existed, I used to play games on DOS when I was 3. DOS doesn't have a GUI only CLI. So I had to enter the commands to start the game up. There was no graphical interface on DOS.
Nathan Carter
I say I don't like morphine because it makes me nauseous, and they type it into the allergic box if that's what you mean. I don't know what a "nondescript" problem is in the medical field, I hate hospitals. I've never asked for it, they just call it into the pharmacy, then my pharmacy gets on me to come pick it up.
Henry Brown
you obv never seen a 3yr old live
Josiah Walker
folks, white AND black, have a tendency to be numbskulls if they come from a low-income ghetto area
Joshua Stewart
I live near one of the worst ghettos of america. Their is a popular saying among police, never be afraid of the blacks/hispanics their harmless gang on gang dumbfucks. But never fuck with a white guy living in the hood/homeless, they will kill you just to eat your dick off.
Leo Johnson
>anti baby wipes >Warning logo has a baby with a circle and line though it, so parents don’t mistake them for bay wipes This is kinda a cute way of thinking, i feel bad for her So you are saying you could read / write with 3? Bullshit If your not Knowingly lying you probably tried to reconstruct the age you played computer by the time it, or certain software came out, it was released already before you played with it 3 year olds cant even talk properly dude
Connor Gutierrez
>Dude in my class was climbing in the Andes with some buddies >I think Peru or Chile >His friend gets HAPE so they descend and evac him to a hospital >After a couple days he pulls through >Classmate goes down to pick him up and take him to the airport >Walking out the front door of the hospital >Make it 50 feet >Some guy drugged out on God knows what pulls out a knife and demands all their money >The guy who just got over HAPE says fuck that shit >Decides to fight druggie >Stabbed in the lung >Druggie runs >Turn right back around and walk into hospital >Miss their flight
Nice fucking quad-quads there buddy. Lulz, if that was actually god stabbing him in the lung, to keep him from getting on the flight, and his lung collapsing from the air pressure change at 10,000 feet.
Asher Jones
don't stop bump
Jack Clark
I fucking hate when you faggots cut them down before I get there to investigate the scene. Leave them there for fucks sake. You retards always fuck up the ligature. And you morons always put leads on decomps, are you literally retarded.
Brandon Gray
Bro I did the same thing during an autopsy. His reservoir was in his bladder and I got it instead when I was looking for urine
Daniel Stewart
Put me in the screencap
Juan Miller
One of my instructors was Ski-patrol at some resort in Oregon and had good stories about it
>Get a call about a girl who hit a slalom gate and hurt her leg >He gets out there and it was a racer in a pinstripe ski suit >Her leg hit the outside of the gate, the gates are designed so if you hit the inside it spins out and there's no problem >Her binding was super tight and her ski stayed on >Instructor (Who could be a Will Ferrell impersonator) and other EMT are looking at the girls striped suit and are confused why one leg has straight stripes and the other leg has them twisted like a plastic straw >Her leg twisted all the way round and broke her femur >Won't stop screaming >Other ski patrol keeps coming in on the radio worried and asking what's happening >Will Ferrell queues his radio and leans in to the screaming girl >Her screams go off of every staff radio on the mountain >Echoes back to instructor >I can't help but picture his stupid grin as he told the story, he probably chuckled >He finishes patient assessment and takes her down on a snow mobile >She's fine now a few years later and still skis but doesn't race slaloms
(My skiing knowledge is very limited so i might have messed up how the gate works a little)
This is a great thread, I enjoyed reading the stories. Thanks medfags!
Cooper Ramirez
okay, they'll probably just get more graphic or sad and less entertaining unless you want me to switch to the scenarios we did gracias and yeah i hadnt even thought of that
Parker Hughes
Same instructor was training a Wilderness EMT class
>This one dude shows up baked as fuck >Ricky Bobby's identical twin questions it but has no way to confirm >Continues teaching >Skill theyre learning is giving other people Epinephrine injections >Move up from the trainer to the real EpiPens >Stoned guy grabs one to practice injecting it into a foam pad like it's someone's leg >EpiPen is upside down >Puts his thumb over the "back of the pen" >Punches EpiPen into foam pad >Horse needle shoots out the pen and goes straight through his thumb >Sprays the back wall with epinephrine >Guy was lucky, kicked out of the program but could have lost his thumb if the needle didnt go all the way through
Just wanted to share a couple more quotes from EMT's I found funny before going to sleep
>There was no tourniquet for the Titanic
>For a 2 week class any little kid in any scenario or story was little Johnny
>SLEEPY=DEATHY in trauma patients
>I got reprimanded by a supervisor because I called a patient a DICChead over the radio. Sever head trauma patients are Disoriented, then Interrogative, then Combative, then Comatose. SO they're DICCheads.
>So your buddy is living La Vida Pura when he crashes the zipline he built over the gorge...
>If you have an amputation, you now have 2 patients. Big Patient and Little Patient (holding up plastic bag with fake finger). But whatever you do. DO NOT CALL LITTLE PATIENT THAT IN FRONT OF BIG PATIENT. Also don't be the guy who forgets Little Patient in your back pocket when the air evac leaves.
