Fantastic Four Storytime episode 17: Blast Starr, the living bomb burst

Air strike me will they? I'll zap them to death using the Jojoest poses they've ever seen!

Hey! Watch where you've flying!

Purple Haze! All around! Don't know if I'm comin' up or down!

Blast Starr: My weakness.... needing air to breathe... I sleep now.

Soldier: He's too powerful to be left around! Just think how cranky he'll be when he wakes!

Soldier: We SHOULD kill him him here and now but he's just SO CUTE when he's asleep. Let's put him in a rocket ship and send him off to space. Nothing bad ever happens when you do that to someone!

Soldier: Before we exile him can we dress him up in an unbreakable titanium suit?

Soldier 2: You read my mind!

Soldier 1: Has he lost his mind? Can he see or is he blind? Can he walk at all, or if he moves will he fall?

Soldier 2: Who cares? Sooner we get done the sooner we can get to our Foosball tournament.

Reed: That's it! I need to know what's on the planet! I'm going to walk into the Negative Zone and check and explore it in space!

Sue: Reed! But you've never tested any of your machines!

Reed: AND? I never test anything I do first! That's how we got all our super powers in the first place!

Ben: Are we going to be able to talk to ya while you're gone?

Reed: Yeah sure. I've got a long distance teletransmitter cordless telephone sewn into my suit for situations like this.

OH NO! The vacuum of space is pulling me into the time-dimensionatron! If only I had tested this first! Help! Somebody help!

I'm going in!

Ben: Reed! I'll get ya!

Johnny: No don't! We don't know what we're doing without a nerd to tell us what to do! Call Reed on the phone!

Ben: Duhhhhhh?

Johnny: The phone he just told you about!

Ben: Oh THAT phone!

I got a signal! It's weak with only a few bars! That high pitch screeching could only be Reed! I'll put him on the speaker horn.

Sue: And I see him! I SEE HIM! I SEE REED! HE'S RIGHT THERE SEE? REED! HE'S RIGHT THERE JOHNNY I SEE HIM. DO YOU SEE HIM? HE'S RIGHT THERE. REED IS OVER THERE IN THE CORNER!!!

I MISCALCULATED EVERYTHING AND I'M IN THE NEGATIVE ZONE! THERE'S NO RETURN! NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO HELP ME! I WANT MY WILL READ BY BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT AND ALL THE MONEY I LEFT FOR CHARITY I WANT SPENT ON TOYS FOR ORPHAN TO BE BURNED IN FRONT OF THEM

I'M BEING THROWN THROUGH SPACE INCREDIBLY FAST! THERE'S NO WAY TO CHECK MY SPEED! IT'S LIKE TRYING TO FIGHT GRAVITY! THERE'S NOTHING THAT CAN HELP ME OH GOD I'M HEADING TO A MASSIVE EXPLODING PART OF SPACE

Ben: Don't be such a crybaby negative Nancy. Boss us around like you normally do and we'll save your sorry butt.

Reed: THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO SAVE ME AND IT REQUIRES THE HUMAN TORCH TO GO SUPERSONIC FAST BUT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE HE CAN'T DO IT BUT IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE ME AND IT'S IMPOSSIBLE PLEASE HELP ME AND ALSO SAVE YOURSELF

Johnny: I hate it when he gives mixed messages!

Ben: So do we go after him or what?

Johnny: Yeah sure, got nothing else to do tonight. Wish me luck!

Got to get to Reed! Hey! How come I fly through space just fine if I'm on fire? Hmmm best not to think about it now.

Soldier 1: This looks like a good place to exile Mr. Starr. What do you think?

Soldier 2: Do we have to? I can change him! Just give me a chance! He probably had a bad childhood and I'm sure he didn't mean to commit genocide after he came to our world.

Soldier 1: You said the same thing about the last warlord! I'm dropping him here.

Good night sweet pupper. You've sleeping on this rock with a great view of the exploding part of space before you get sucked in. Heading home now.

A spaceship? Here?! What luck! HEY! YOU! OVER HERE! I'M A HITCHHIKER AND I WILL PAY YOU ALL THE CASH, GRASS, AND ASS YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE FOR A LIFT!

HELP A BROTHER OUT!

Drat! I forgot! In space no one can hear me scream! They didn't see me and left!

This asteroid seems to be going slower than the rest of them... Guess I'll stop here.

Reed: Johnny! You're just in time! Throw a supernova into the explosion area! Your good explosion should cancel out that bad explosion and propel us to safety!

Johnny: A supernova?! Ok...

Johnny: Here goes!

Reed: Flaming rocks! I didn't anticipate this! Hang on!

Johnny: How bout we just fly away?

Reed: Sure, we could try that instead. Let's go! This I command! And stop listening to all my terrible ideas for a while!

HEY! WHO DRESSED UP BLAST STARR? NOT COOL! Things were going FINE. Just a little more time and I've have been ruler and forcing everyone to buy an evil Blast Starr pinup calendar! This pose would make for a great November!

Blast Starr: Look at those losers! Boldly going where no man has gone before! Little do they know they aren't going alone! I'll follow them to THEIR world.

They've been gone an awful long time... should I get jumpsuit numbers changed to 3s or 2s? Is it in poor taste to do it now or should I wait for after the funeral?

Muffled yelling! That can only be your little bro! They made it! I'll open the door!

A+

Reed: We made it! Shake my hand!

Ben: Ok...

Reed: Good boy!

Reed: Have I got an epic tale of survival to tell!

Sue: Reed! You've come back! Horribly off model and aged 30 years but you're back!

Reed: Get going and make refreshments and meet up in the den

Straight As in high school, I graduated top of my class at University and I'm making refreshments and playing housewife! Girl viewers! I'm your ideal role model!

AND THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS CLOSE YOUR DOOR AFTER USING IT.

Now Blast Starr has arrived to liven things up!

What's all this noise down there? This place is so primitive! No giant fire pits! No flying vehicles or slaves working around the clock! This world sucks!

And all those combustion engine mobiles! They're not even carpooling and using public transit!

Sue: Here we are together! I can't believe you're both home safe and sound after my hubby got sucked into a machine he recklessly invented and nearly killed himself and my little brother not to mention ripping a hole in the fabric and space to satisfy his idle curiosity!

Ben: And I still got a bad feeling about this! Something ain't right!

Ha ha! Don't be silly! We average one near-death experience a day and we already had our adventure! Now! To get to the epic tale of discovery and survival!

*CRASH*

Son of a bitch! Someone made a liar out of me!

Sue: Was that an Earthquake? Is it Moleman? AGAIN?!

Thing: Maybe we're lucky and it's Magneto on drugs again.

Johnny: No sense guessing. I'll check it out!

To the window! To the wall!

Blast Starr: The sight of those things in the street offends me! They have to go! They all have to go! Blast Starr wants to spare the air his way today!

Johnny: Hey! You look like Billy Mays if he had ascended to the next level!

I don't know who you are but you need to stop shooting people!

Blast Starr: Don't try and ruin my fun! You're not dad!

Why doesn't anyone ever do what I say? It's always the hard way...

Little bitty baby fireballs? That the best you got?

Owch! One shoted!

He blew my flame out! I'm falling! What to do now?!

Ben: You'll live to fight another day but that cracking sound from your arm means you'll be feeling it tomorrow!

Johnny: There's some very smelly large hairy man on the roof shooting concussive blasts at everything!

Ben: Maybe we should all go up and teach him a lesson!

Where?! I don't see anyone! Oh right, he's on OUR roof.

Reed: Hey! You! Super Al Borland! Identify yourself! And Stop throwing power bolts around! It's rude! Teens these day...

Blast Starr: My name is Blast Starr and that's the name I'm sticking with! Who are you?

Reed: I'm Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four. What is your purpose.

Blast Starr: Blast Starr has no time for chat! Blast Starr has a planet to wreck and then rule over!

HRMPH Why can't there are be a nice conqueror for a change?

Reed? Are you alright?

What are you talking to me for? My Name's Ben Grimm! Don't you remember?

I think she was speaking to me. There's a very strong tall man on the roof with fantastic powers! Johnny was right! A sentence I never thought would leave my lips.

Fantastic powers? FANTASTIC POWERS? That adjective can't be used to describe anyone else! It's the only one we got!

AS MY BIG BRO WOULD ALWAYS SAY TO ME! IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME!

You're pretty strong for a manlet, but not strong enough! Just let me conquer! This pose will be great for April!

Help! Somebody catch Ol' Bengy!

I WANTED TO BOUNCE OFF THAT GREEN THING IN A COMICAL FASHION. Today is not my day!

Ben: Somebody ought to do something about that guy before somebody really gets hurt!

Police man: I've alerted the national guard Mr. Grimm

Ben: So fast?

Police man: ... for an unrelated disturbance.

Ben: Good! They can watch me kick his ass!

Reed: Officer! Clear the area! We're going to capture him!

I'll notify the masses using twitter!

TWEET TWEET TWEET TWEET

kek

The crowd is dispersing! Now to make a grand entrance! Taking the stairs or jumping down is for peasants!

Blast Starr: You again! I've already made my entrance with you! This is my awkward than saying good bye to someone and then walking in the same direction to your car or house!

Reed: Spread out everyone! We need to hit him in four different directions!

Sue: You want me to do something aggressive? I... don't know if my powers will work for that but I'll try...

Johnny: *sigh* and you want me to flame on and go in the air. My direction is always from above! Always!

Hey grown up beefcake hairy Bat Boy! Have a cement truck from me to you! From the heart!

No thanks. Already got one.

Gravity! Even you conspire against me! Bleh!

Now there's cement up my buttcrack and my hair and all the other orifices! This'll take weeks to get out!

Torch! The quick dry cement! It's not quick drying quick enough! Use some heat to quick dry it quicker!

Torch: Knowing our luck it'll just soothe his aching muscles

No fair! I WANNA RULE THE WORLD I WANNA RULE THE WORLD I WANNA RULE THE WORLD!

Ain't no problem you can't flex yourself out of if you're beefy!

He's aiming is big, powerful manly arms at us! Better throw up a forcefield!

Sue: I... don't know where to go from here. A little help, dear? What do we do now. I didn't think this plan very far.

Reed: The only thing we save as a last resort! I will attempt to reason with him!

Um Hey! Mr. Starr? Why are you trying to destroy everyone? What do you have to gain? What is your endgame? You can trust me with your personal secrets, I'm a scientist!

Ok look. My real name isn't Blast Starr. It's Kalibak. I put on a disguise and I'm hiding here because Zack Snyder wants to put me in one of his movies but he doesn't think Darkseid, Apocalypse, Boomtubes, parademons, New Genesis etc. can be taken seriously by anyone unless there's manrape involved. So he wants Dadseid to have molested me as a kid and rape me every so often to show how dark and edgy he is. I didn't want that so I went from dimension to dimension and got some cosmic rays and got super powers along the way. OK? OK!

BUT EVERYWHERE I GO PEOPLE TRY TO BULLY ME! Well I'm going to kill all the bullies and then everyone will be happy! All you bullies are going to pay!

It's called an awning.

See! That skyscraper! It's looking at me funny and laughing at me! It has to pay too!

Now that building will never ride a horse again!

Johnny: What do we do now? Now we are all stuck behind Sue!

Reed: I need a moment to think... YOU WERE ALL SUPPOSED TO SPREAD OUT BY THE WAY

Ben: It's the national guard! They've come to lend a hand!

Blast Starr: Tank shells! Didn't your mother ever tell you not to bring tanks to a laser fight?!

I'll get rid of you and then I'll get rid of those other annoyances!

Reed: I got it! Johnny! You make a smokescreen while he's murdering those fine men and we'll make a break for it!

Ben: Hey! I wanna make the smokescreen! Gimme a bunch of cigars and I'll do it! I'll smoke em all at once!

Johnny: I'm on my way!

Torch: Taste my tailpipe!

What? It's too dark! Who turned off the sun?

Blast Starr: Blast Starr sees you! Now you finally die! Then I will declare myself ruler of this city block and move on from there!

BOOOOOOM

Today is a good day! I feel like getting a Costco cake and eating it all by myself to celebrate this triumph!

Blast Starr: Ha HA ha HA ha HA HA HA HA ha HAAA hah HUH

Reed: Excellent job Johnny! Making flame silhouettes and getting power hax as plot demands gives you an A grade.

Thing gets a B-. He isn't clobbering nearly as proficiently as he should be.

Sue, you get a D-

And me? I give myself an SS rank like normal.

Everyone go to the roof and get in the Fantasti-car for the next phase of the plan

Reed: Hey! We're still alive and in fact we're more alive than other! See ya sucker!

FANTASTIC FOURRRRRRRRRRR!

I AM SHAKING MY FIST AS HARD AS I CAN AT YOU

You can't escape! Don't even try it!

Ben: Good thinking! Taking him from the city to minimize collateral damage! Superman, Batman, The Avengers, Godzilla and all those other heroes wouldn't think to do that!

Reed: What? No. I don't want him damaging my house. It's almost paid off and all my stuff is in there.

Sue: Reed! Fighter backup at 3:00!

Reed: They're not coming from that direction. You're not cool sounding if you get it wrong.

Pew pew pew pew

Blast Starr: Ow! I got laser in my eye!

...

I'M CLEAR BUT MY FIGHTER IS DOWN

I'M CLEAR BUT MY FIGHTER IS DOWN

I'M CLEAR BUT MY FIGHTER IS DOWN

Ben: What is even going on here? This whole trip don't make no sense! How are we going to beat this dude! He's been kicking our butts all day!

Nice, I missed those!

Reed: I called ahead. We're heading to Atlantis Island, yes that island with the city on it. They have a tourist thing where they say they're lost so people keep looking for it.

Anyways, they have a nuclear plant and I figure the only thing that could stop that brute is an Atomic Pile. They're evacuating. Good.

Reed: Looks like we have a head start!

Thing: Sue, baby, you're gettin' a little thicc. I don't mean to fat shame but you ain't a featherweight and I don't know if your powers work so good if you balloon up to 105 pounds.

Johnny: There's always Anorexia or Bulimia or tapeworms or smoking. Keep an open mind.

He's coming! Everyone hold him off even if it means you die trying! You hear me? DIE

I'll get to the reactor room and start pushing buttons!

Hope you enjoy them. Same for anyone reading this now, too.

Hey! Over here ya big Sasquatch! You strike me as the type of guy who enjoys Sailor Moon Crystal more than any other adaptation of that manga!

WELL I NEVER! You're a dead man! You hear me! A dead man!

These threads are gold, keep it up OP

PSYCHO CRUSHA

Ben: How does it feel to fall for the most obvious bait?

Why golf with a titanium 9 iron when you can up your game to new heights with a light post?

You're digging your grave deeper and deeper, baldy.

You'll have to catch me first! Watch me run and win by cowardice! Yeah! Sometimes you have to be a coward to win!

Ben: I'm taggin out! Cover me Sue! You're up! I've got to hit to the little Thing's room.

Sue: You got it!

Sue: ugh. His face looks even worse all smooshed up like that.

Blast Starr: An invisible forcefield! Such tricks are nothing to Blast Starr! I will hump my way through this barrier and hump any other obstacle you dare create for me, woman!

That's gross! I'm turning invisible and getting out of here. It should take him some time to figure his way through that forcefield by the looks of it.

Thank you

Hey! Where did she go?! Is she not impressed by my technique? Well, now back to the power humping.

Sue: Reed! Are you almost done! I don't know how much longer we can hold him off!

Reed: I've got good news and some bad news for you.

Good news is that I did rig up this helmet to the atomic pile and it does work and it is big enough for him. It was originally designed for experimenting on elephants and it COULD neutralize him and his powers.

Bad news is that it has to be hooked up to the wall so you'll have to lure him into the room so I can gently put this thing on him.

Oh, and it might give him DOUBLE super powers. You know this radiation business is a crapshoot. It might give powers as if he's been bitten by a cosmic gamma ray.

Still! It's our best bet!

You HAVE to be kidding me.

UGH. We'll figure something out.

Hey! You guys! It's not fair to be inside this tiny room! Come over here so I can getcha! I can't reach you from here!

Torch: I was waiting around watching you all for the right moment to swoop in and save the day! How about a face full of flame ya big oaf?

Blast Starr: This is getting old. I shoot you, you shoot me. How about we call it a draw and I live here in peace. We're both creations by Jack Kirby, right, and we should stick together? So what do you say? Will you let a space refugee hid out here for a while? Promise I'll be good.

Torch: What did you say? Refugee? NO REFUGEES NOT EVER. NOT NO WAY NOT NO HOW. NEVER REFUGEES

That's the popular thing to do these days!

I tried asking nicely! Now you're dead for sure!

CHAAAAAAAAARGE

Reed: Oh hey! He knocked himself out! Us all fighting him and he did all the work for us! Way to go Blast Starr! You are MVP!

Reed: Hit the button, Thing. Let's light this fucker up with SUPER radiation

Thing: BOOP

uhhhhhhhh

Reed: That's enough radiation. Shut it off, Ben.
Nice bad wig you got there, Sue.

Take him back to the Negative Zone door and we can trap him in that chamber until we figure out how to nerf him permanently

Thing: You think this'll really work?

Reed: Probably not. We never get rid of all of our villains for long. Worth a shot, though.

AND THAT'S WHY YOU ALWAYS LOCK YOUR DAY WHEN YOU CLOSE IT.

Reed: He went back into the Negative zone! And he's stronger than ever!

Sue: Oh no!

Johnny: Damnit! He won!

But he's not our problem anymore and he's back where he came from. So in the end did we accomplish anything at all today? No we did not.

Sue: Yet another problem created and solved by Reed's mad obsessions. Hurray?

Thing: Eh. Same old same old. Let's go grab a bite to eat and watch the game on the big screen.

THE END

How you all enjoyed. Be back for episode 18 next Saturday. This episode was kind of hard to do because Blast Starr doesn't actually talk that much.

What show would be good to do next i wonder

You OK with me user, lol I enjoyed this.

Thank you

I love this shit :)

bump

thanks OP

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>What is your endgame?
kek

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Thank you

Great story as usual, OP.