How Marvel's New Superhero Developed Inflammatory Bowel Disease

Do IBD patients shit grey?

Okay, I won't tell you that in times of distress he uncontrollably sharts out his armour coating.

>Marvel panders to the shit fetishests now

How far will this go?

Behold, your newest Avenger: Captain Uncontrollable Constant Diarrhea!

Just make your own hero and then sell the rights to Marvel when it gets popular.

you what

When is this guy getting added to the MCU?

Picture this: A standard marvel movie, action, comedy, little bit of romance, that kind of thing.

But every 20 minutes the plot and action COMPLETELY STOP and the audience watches this guy take a painful, loud, messy shit.

>yfw we got an official Marvel comic about a guy that has flaming shits before one about someone who is transgender

>You will see the creation of a superhero who is a pedophile
Well yeah, Byrne wrote plenty of superhero books

>>You will see the creation of a superhero who is a pedophile.

Batman has been around since forever.

Hurr hurr, you know what I meant.

A character who is developed to show a sympathetic side to pedophillia WILL arrive, you'll see. It's the next big thing being pushed.

Which company had that orange juice guy?

There are far more people with IBD in the world than trans-people

Marvel

So he's Johnny?

Sergeant Hatred was an example of a good pedo character: full of intense self-loathing for what he is, and tries so fucking hard to be better than his dirty little urges.

I have no doubt. The question is merely when. It's still looked down upon by even most LGBT and most of the normal population.

Hmmm, 3-5 years would be my guess.

1.6 Americans according to the article.

you're still missing my meaning, Sgt Hatred wanted to be a better man.

This new character, whenever they arrive, it'll probably be a woman btw, will be absolutely at peace with what they are. They'll be designed to show pedophillia, not themselves, in a good light.

>Marvel Custom

Marvel will make a comic to order for any business. Apparently these people paid a bunch of money for their very own superhero with Inflammatory Bowel Disease.

>be doctor
>get sad seeing little kids succumb to nasty diseases
>you just want to cheer them up
>kids like super heroes especially those they can relate to
>here you go Billy, your new favorite super hero, he has Inflammatory Bowel Disease just like you!

Okay, so who in Marvel editorial has IBS? It's gotta be one of them.

Don't they already have the poster child for disabled superheroes? Are Marvel this desperate for new readers?

They have Xavier too

>Blind
>Can't walk

FAR too mainstream, holy shit they're basically not disabled, you understand that right?

This isn't about the disability, it's about social nonsense. Not enough people use the IBD hashtag, that's what's really going on.

People who are blind and people who can't walk? Fuck those, there's lots of them!

Finally a hero for me.

Wait.
You're telling me that they decided to make a character whose base concept is having chronic diarrhea?
And nobody thought this might be a REALLY FUCKING STUPID IDEA?

It's the House of Stupid Ideas, user.

I'm pretty sure I'm at some mild or early stage of that disease, but I don't really need a superhero, my very own 'Captain Novolin' for it

>Power to make armor out of your own shit at will
Man I remember that tabeltop rpg ruleset...

Eh the Orange juice guy was a fine hero compared to this one, had a much better look even though he only existed as a mascot for Florida's OJ

The funniest part is, this is dead from the start as a concept. Because the guy is a hero and will see lots of action, but they'll never have him shit himself during his heroing, despite that being the most likely time for that. So you get a hero with the shits who can control his shit with no problem, which defeats the entire point.

Also, they straight up say having diarrhea is something too embarassing for most people, yet they expect those same people to go in comic stores and buy the adventures of poopypants man.

HAHAHAHA
>We want the vitiligo audience

>it'll probably be a woman btw

>having the shits is more disabling than going blind or becoming a paraplegic
>implying having said shits is uncommon enough to deserve especial attention

If anything, Marvel ought to write about supers with rare and actually debilitating conditions that really could use more recognition (read: funding for research). But we all know that won't happen due to their writers' and executive's collective superpower to function without a spinal cord.

What are his powers and how OP is he?

But rare and debilitating conditions are rare and debilitating. Rare and debilitated people don't go out and buy lots of comic books.
Because yes, they're apparently doing that to pander to people with chronic shits. It's fucking amazing. Marvel needs to fire their entire marketing department, because they're very quickly turning into parody.

IIRC he was some kind of solar-powered, low-key Green Lantern (as in made hard light constructs but not everything you can think of level, mostly simple stuff)

This isn't sold in comic book shops.

He's sort of like a solar-powered green lantern, has these pods that absorb sunlight and then let him do stuff like create objects or fire energy blasts, also gives him the ability to fly.

Also the ability to prolcaim to others the wonder of drinking your orange juice, its one of your daily 5!
His family have an orange grove or something, its where he found the sun pods that give him his powers.

that's honestly pretty cool

Try within the next two years.

It's being pushed hard.

Good. Don't encourage people to mutilate themselves.

>It's being pushed hard
Where at? Ironically or are they serious?

Salon did that article about it, for one. There's more if you look around.

Being totally serious. This is why I hate progressives.

There was a Hitman villain about this.

You hit the nail on the head. The sole reason they chose to inflict this on a superhero is because it's common and intractable enough to be a real issue, yet embarrassing enough to avoid public discussion (in person, at least). Worst of all, they'll just pay lip service to it for brownie points due to the reasons gave; they simply can't get down to grips with it without disgustingly derailing the story. You'd think they'd at least have enough intelligence to have the hero angst over a skin condition.

It's a bad idea with worse execution, and the only thing it has going for it are people whose egos are as easily stimulated as their digestive tracts.

>brownie points
Keked.

Imagine you had the power to make people shit their pants.

Even if you couldn't maintain it to the point the target suffered dehydration you'd still be a menace, no respectable hero could fight you.
Even if they beat you no problem they still have to deal personally with the aftermath.

So, a more child-friendly version of Sunfire?

That's strange because most progressives I see on the internet are anti-pedo

>Making Superman shart in public
Do you think he would throw me into the sun?

How would the power actually work?

Because Superman could just not eat anything for a few days, then he'd have nothing to shit out.

Sunfire is just shooting you with fire or giving you cancer via radiation, because Nagasaki and Hiroshima.

It really is closer to green lantern with the objects made out of sunlight energy side to it.

Then an energy-powered superhero or Batman with a WayneTech buttplug comes along and boots my ass to Ryker's, where I proceed to make life even shittier for the inmates.

Eh, still worth it for the laughs, I guess.

>You will see the creation of a superhero who is a pedophile.
Byrne created plenty of characters.

Don't forget the hearing impaired duo of Blue Ear and Sepheara.

Why even add these, Hawkeye has been deaf for decades

hahahahahaha...i mean, just give up Marvel, pls just stop.

Because most casuals don't know that.

These are custom one shots that companies pay marvel to make, why are they going to say no to easy money?

...

I'M READY!
I'M READY!
I'M READY!

Actually, I could get on board for a 1.5 hour-long movie like this.

Like a scene where the girl is waiting for him, wondering if he's off being a superhero or if his life is in danger. Then the scene switches to him screaming, red tears falling down his face, as his bowels recreate the eruption of Pompeii.

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>Being cellmates with Gorilla Grodd
>Instantly the most feared man in prison

This is gold, son.

Is that Usher?

Remember that time that the avengers had to save wakanda with an audi.

Remember when the Hulk teamed up with Sleepy's?

>Custom Solutions takes that real-world market penetration further by creating superheroes designed to appeal to very specific clienteles, including the roughly 1.6 million Americans currently suffering from IBD.

I have IBD. Why would I want to read a comic that reminds me about it? You read comics for escapism, this is retarded.

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>Imagine you had the power to make people shit their pants.

It's called Transmetropolitan .

You don't see DC pulling shit like this. It's called having some artistic integrity.

I have IBD. Why the fuck would I want to read about characters that have to go through the same shit I do? Comics are supposed to be where one can go to escape the real world, not be reminded of it.

that's the strongest stand

youtube.com/watch?v=KZ9fAr43q5U

What, no fart superbad jokes?

And you know what, that KFC comic was better than two thirds of the big two's output.

Col Sanders has more right to be on the justice league than cyborg in my book.

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At least Subway doesn't make you shit your pants.

>implying Subway doesn't use doodoo-tier meats on their sandwiches

Publix or nothing

That really just depends on the subway.

>Subway promo
>Hal Jordon on the cover

TOP KEK

Wait, did they seriously get the rights to use Dream for this?

>not recognizing Nightmare
>especially in a sleep related comic

It's not for you, it's for kids who need these heroes.

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>same shit I do

I'm sorry, but my ability to approach this subject with anything resembling a straight face has been compromised by this comic.

>Samarium MAX: Time To Shit

Oh, this has to be a parody. I bet nobody even clicked through.
>I clicked through, asshole.
>Everything checks out.

Huh.
Well, at least it's just advertising. Let's see if anybody's bold enough to include him in an official comic.

I'm kind of rooting for a Marvel Custom Universe now.

>Biclops getting a solo
Blunder of the century. Nerd can't support a comic, especially with his lame powerset and one-trick personality.

Ever see that video where a bear breaks into subway sniffs the food then leaves?

who
what
why is kamala there

www1.nyc.gov/site/em/ready/ready-girl.page

Actually, if her family had died in Hurricane Sandy despite her preparations, that'd make for a killer origin story.

I don't think Marvel owns these characters, or if so it might be a co-ownership deal.

Even when it comes to advertising, DC does it right.

...

Well, when it comes to original comics created for the purpose of advertising. The KFC ones, mostly.

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I remember taking a welding class for a gimme credit in college and they passed out one of these Marvel Custom comics about Iron Man and WELDING!

...

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What's she ready for?
Is it dick?

hurricane preparedness

This is the first time I've been pandered to. I'm so honored.

So she moved beyond the Superhero in Training level?

That's the one.

Are these actually effective advertisements? I mean yeah they get passed around in these threads because of the absurdity, but is anyone out there gonna eat fresh or become a welder because of these?

Netflix series when?

>Marvel will make a comic to order for any business

How much you want to bet they wouldn't make a comic that disagreed with their politics or criticized their company?

Now I know I said Marvel was turning to shit but I wasn't being literal.

fuck you you made me remember f.a.t.a.l.

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>everybody tries to make a superhero
>Harley just wanted a blonde chick who rides a bike

Stay true, H.O.G, stay true.

Western union just wanted a comic about heroes getting money orders.

>Kamela tries to make a money order
>Gets stopped by the NSA

Actually, that would make a good story where creepy SHIELD agents try to steal her powers or something under the guise of a "security investigation".

Would rich guys like Cho or Tony even need to use money orders?