Guys our profit margins are down

Don't worry guys, I got this.

We simply crash the company helicopter into our production facility and enable its self destruct sequence for that sweet sweet money

How about NOT making huge highly infectionous monsters that will potentially turn on us?

No

Fire this man. What we need is an advanced program to produce lizard-human hybrids and release them into the sewers.

...

More secret bioweapons laboratories with lax safety standards underneath public areas, such as libraries and playgrounds.

It's that type of thinking that got us into this mess in the first place.

I vote for testing our newest virus on this man and his family.

Remember that weirdo with the leech fetish? What happened to him? I haven't seen him at the meetings lately.

We're going to have to bring out the big puzzles for this one.

I suggest one of these babies.

Wait. Better idea. Make him our prototype lizard-human hybrid, let him keep a diary for some reason, and lock him in a room with a complicated sequence of actions just to get to.
Or this. But give them all a diary to write in.

Lizard people can't write. I say we cut the diary program and invest in more giant spiders.

How about laser room? I think we can sell those to terrorists or weird cults.

I like the way you think

Okay how about this: We make our next research laboratory under a Wal-mart, wait hold on! Listen..We use the puzzle as indicated here as a secret entrance into the lab And then we cross-breed animals and Wal-martians. It might be our greatest bio weapon ever!

Maybe we should go back to the basics, is there anything we haven't infected with the t-virus yet?

How about we pump a large sea turtle full of the stuff? They live for hundreds of years, that means hundreds of years of profit.

Stop bringing up this retarded idea.

Okay, but we need to make sure that once the turtle takes enough damage it will come out of its shell and grow bigger, with more spikes and poison sacks on its back, should we increase its speed?

What about that jellyfish that lives forever?

"Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. That’s that disease you hear about sometimes on the local news where some sicko caregiver induces an illness to their own patients, so they can then turn around and quick save them and be the hero."

think about that next time you shit on games and then suggest ways to improve them

>Okay, but we need to make sure that once the turtle takes enough damage it will come out of its shell and grow bigger.

How about having this also set off our facilities self-destruct sequence?

As a pharmaceutical company, we need combat data above all else.
Send everything we have to a new city. Collect data. Profit.

INFINITE PROFIT

Too much work. Let's just make as much bulletproof skin as we can. But leave a weakpoint somewhere inconspicuous where no one would think to shoot. Like the forehead.

The sharks and aquatic creatures have been nothing but a waste of time and money. I say we infect a kangaroo or perhaps an emu. The Australians lost a war against those things! I think my suggestion has way more merit than wasting more money on more aquatic failures.

Is that... Supposed to be a belly button?

>I say we infect a kangaroo or perhaps an emu.

LETS COMBINE THE TWO!

Imagine the possibilities if we infect her. We could have a spiky vagina mouth come out from her bellybutton or something I dunno?

Guys, guys, we're missing the big picture.

Two words:

Spanish
Farmers

>Invading Australia
I like your ambition but your ideas may be ahead of our time. Is the world really ready for this?

We have to try and copy the Hunter's Morph Ball technology

Make sure to position the pieces behind some moveable crates. Works like a charm.

Don't walk in on this meeting and start throwing around ideas Space Pirates. Especially when you missed the last 3 meetings. What the fuck have you guys been doing all last year?

I vote we engineer a kind of zombie mimic that hides in game cases and position them throughout the US and Canada. One bite and we've got ourselves an outbreak, gentleman. Then come the profits.

Sorry, we were busy installing tubes on our ships.

What was Umbrella's end goal anyways? It always confused me, it seemed like destroying and infecting the world was both accidental and intentional.

You guys and your tube technology. It's all about convoluted block puzzles and pressure point mechanics now

Make BOWs and sell them

That reminds me. We need to pick a theme for our next facility. I was thinking the keys could be the monopoly pieces perhaps? Or perhaps horoscope signs. But maybe that's too ambitious.

Yeah I figured that out but they went a really shitty way about it.

Probably to make profits out of bows like Tyrants and to prevent the ravages of time by perfecting cell regeneration.
But the top people in umbrella are backstabbing cunts, so the games happened.

Damn it you retards I told to try to make another mansion but noooo..

Spencer's end goal was to become a god ruling over a race of super humans like Wesker. I think.

...

Country theme.

It's all the rage these days.

We'll make the BOW cages out of some nice pine and then we can apply a nice, light stain to it.

Monopoly pieces that are horoscope signs? We can decide who works what facility via dice roll. And since security badges keep going missing we'll have doors unlocked by playing piano pieces.

If we take the profit charts and flip them upside down, the profits go up!

I'll take my promotion now.

No, you go back to work with the typewriters, I swear they always run out of ink ribbons after one line.

But what does that have to do with viruses and BOWs?

Piano again? I think you're on the right track but let's innovate a little here guys. And I'm not just saying this because I suck at playing piano, shut up Steve it's not because of that.

More profit means more money for new BOWs and viruses!

Hey there! do you want to be a new test subject?

...

If we had it your way the instrument would be a fucking recorder and you'd have to get your 8 year old son to let you in because you suck at that too.

How about we go a bit modern and install 2 ddr dance pads and doors can only be unlocked if you pass a group song. It'll keep the employees on their toes and promote bonding between co workers

Why we even hire people like you I don't know

Sorry I'm late.

Good job i got hear in time.
You guys are missing crucial elements of business plan.

Let's combine the multiplication element of the leaches with the regenerators.

Got it?

Ok I'll take a meger 10% of those profits, or just let me shoot scientists. Either payment is fine.

Fuck off Hunk. Leave the science to the smart ones. Someone send him on another suicide mission please.

We should keep the music and the dance pads at separate ends of the facility, you listen to the music and memorize the steps at one end, then input them at the other.

Nice of you to join us Hunk, but there's been an outbreak at one of our arctic facilities while you were on your way back, off you go.

Got it, we'll send him on a one way flight to water world

But the last time he still came back while retaining his human form and we had to pay more for him

Dummy. We already tried that 100 times. He ALWAYS comes back.

...

What if we cloned dinosaurs?

That would never come back to bite us like the whole zombie thing. This would never lead to a dino crisis.

I think we should hire some more of those nutcase scientists after ambiguous ambitions of "power"

They're the real go-getters this company needs

On my way.
...
Are there any scientists to shoot (not kill) and will they unleash even more deadly bow?
...
Doesn't matter I'm down for anything these days.

I forget what the plot of Dino Crisis even was, wasn't that shit more like they time-travelled a shitload of dinosaurs out of the past instead of cloning a bunch of them?

>the secrets been under our noses the whole time

Why don't we make Hunk a BOW?

Genetic enhancements + his skill set = tyrant that doesn't suck?

Market a highly effective and extremely addictive painkiller with side-effects of occasional tissue necrosis.

Then market a G-virus derivative as a topical treatment for soft tissue necrosis.

How's the beauty department division going?

That's not how factitious illness syndrome inflicted on another works. Normally what happens is the caregiver gets off on the attention: it's not a hero/heroine play (actually, those with it are almost always female), it's a sympathy/attention/support play.

Kinda yeah.

It's too risky. He might betray us.

Circus theme. We dress the workers like clowns and lure in subjects with the promises of free popcorn and a show.

What if we made a virus that makes B.O.Ws without glaring, pulsating weakspots?

When do our subjects EVER betray us?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN DOESN'T SUCK? Besides if we inject him with the virus he'd probably just bulk up and shoot guns and shit. We gotta have him grow a giant eye or something from his stomach and have him attack with claws or something.

We've been having a lot of trouble marketing the newest Tyrants since they keep getting killed by anyone capable of running around a room.

Could we perhaps invest in Tyrant sized kevlar armor?

Yes yes!
That way I'd be a perpetual profit machine!

Guys we have another subject to test.

No. We simply make the rooms smaller. Problem solved.

They're called character flaws, Snake.

I'm not sure that will work, I mean remember Jill? She got the virus through Nemesis but then she became superhuman chick, there is no giant eyeball, no big claws, no gigant laser shooting boobs
HUNK likely would teleport behind us and break our necks after we inject him with any type of virus

Let's just abandon pharmaceuticals in general and become an idol business, I'm sure there's tons of profits to be had there. I hear Ms. Chambers is in need of work recently.

Longer claws, bigger eyeball for better perception. Cmon guys let's get creative here.

So...we use the music to turn people into zombies?

Can they be mutated?

Guy!
Inject me.
I have my costume ready.

Does this scream profit or what? !

No I think the idea is dancing zombies

The last guy who suggested dinosaurs turned into one.

Ok guys I've got it
right
what if...
instead of having claws on one hand
you're with me so far right
ok
so what if
instead it had claws on BOTH hands?

Taking knife run a little too seriously there

But what if the subjects lost their minds and attack us? We should build a room with flamethrower or railgun with easy access to protect ourselves, right we should write a note and stick it somewhere nearby in case the new comers join our company

That might get us in trouble with Marvel

I like the way you think...could we engineer the virus to grow extra eyeballs too on the kneecaps? I'm sure nothing could slip by it then!

Visionary!

What if we collaborated with Marvel and got their employees to fight our subjects? Just think of the combat data we could get?

Yes yes obviously. But we still need to figure out a puzzle piece that will unlock the case for the weapon. I think the idea suggested would be great.

Forget the claws, let's slap a tyrant behind another tyrant. That way it can attack on both sides

What if we make a giant tyrant and trap him in a small room with catwalks around him?

Guys, can I work for Umbrella?

I can't make us any profits but I brought a typewriter so we can save our progress.

Oh. Oh, wait.

I forgot to bring ink ribbons. I probably left them somewhere.

What if we make a regular sized Tyrant but give him giant catwalks for arms?

No worry newbie, just get some from the extra-dimensional storage chest in the room where we place your typewriter, oh and before you ask that technology to create a pocket dimension to store items and you can get it from place to place is useless in making new virus so we don't use it

COMPLETE....GLOBAL....SATURATION

What if we modify the Tyrant? My propositions are that we drop the legs and lowerbody entirely, replace em with a go-cart or a segway for mobility. Two claws, big eyeball for extra perceptiveness.
My reasons for the modifications are as follows : We can increase the top speed of the Tyrant to 10 mph, and it won't be necessary for the Tyrant to have good motor skills since it won't have legs. Two claws over one is for increased lethality. And I've already explained the benefits of the big eyeball. I'll get to the drawing board immediately on this if you guys greenlight this.

Ok
How's this?

But...we have an entire warehouse full of Tyrant-sized thongs...

We shouldn't just waste them

Hunk, next mission you're going to be deployed without any weapons. We need to cut back somehow.

YOU GOT SEVEN MINUTES

user, can you come to my lab after this meeting?

our assets are as good as destroyed, sir

I vote we use Tarot cards for our next set of emblem locks, that way we can make up to 70+ different locks.

Who the FUCK has the Shield Emblem?

I haven't taken a shit in three days because I can't find that fucking thing, and that curry at the cafeteria today has just about done it.

It IS the Shield Emblem this week, right? I can't deal with the piano playing again, I just can't.

Who the fuck thought putting puzzles on everything was a good idea?

The shield emblem is in the same place it's always been you idiot.

S..sir I already have trouble remembering the emblem I need to enter the 2nd building so I can access the bathroom.

Ever seen a thief in the second building, son?

Has anyone seen Mr. Ashford around? He wanted to review my report on last week's research, but I can't find him anywhere.

So according to my research truck seems to highest kill rate, we should have our zombies drive the truck to attack everyone

No but I did see Miss Ashford last night.

In my bunk.

Because I was fucking her.

I don't like to talk about it guys since it's bad for morale, but I think it's clear we need to watch our employees more closely, surveillance and security cameras only do so much. I was thinking.. what if we infect some employees with the virus and have them grow giant eyeballs to watch the other employees with? I'm sure just the pressure of being watched so closely would do wonders for productivity.

No fuck that, we should make a truck into a zombie.

Forget trucks, I think we should go for zombie helicopters? When was the last time numerous helicopters didn't explode in the vicinity of an outbreak?

Oh I saw him at the opera last week. The opera is really rejuvenating to him, he even looks younger. He wouldn't stop asking questions about birkin and his autistic friend though.

Wait, so we do want exploding helicopters or not?