Funny greentext thread

funny greentext thread
>Go

Bump for interest.

It's all i got

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Be me
>own a musket for self defense because that's what the founding fathers intended
>four ruffians break into my house
>"what the devil" as I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle
>blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man
>he's dead on the spot
>draw my pistol on the second man
>misses him entirely because it's smoothbore and kill the neighbors dog
>I have to result to cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grapeshot
>"tally ho lads" as the grapeshot shreds two men in the blast and the sound sets off car alarms
>pinkmist.lithograph
>fix bayonet and charge last terrified rapscallion
>bleeds out waiting on police since triangular bayonet wounds are inpossible to stitch up
>just like the founding fathers intended

best one ive seen

Kek

Guys I’m doing a funny.
This occurred mere months ago.

>be in gym
>they let the special kids in this class during the day
>they have a little clique that they maintain
>most of my friends just call it the “Tard Team”
>it consists of James, a kid that’s actually pretty cool and athletic
>Seth, a towering behemoth with an unholy obsession with Mixels
>Larry, a stout, fat, greasy, ebony-haired autist with an anime obsession
>and Theo, a beaner with a mean afro and complains constantly about his sore legs
>Seth is the most socially “competent” of the group
>Therefore he becomes much more upset than the others
>each of these kids have certain…triggers
>If you say Mixels is shit, Seth will unleash a flurry of hypertard rage
>If you say “toy story is the best anime ever” Larry will lose his shit
>If you accuse Theo of wanting to date other guys, he gets a bit frustrated
>now Seth is the most sensitive
>others usually yell or reply with insults
>but Seth
>oh Seth
>he begins screaming, shouting, going on furious tangents and saying “NOO, NOOO, MIXELS IZ GUOOUD!!!”

>tally ho lads
>rapscallions
>Pinkmist.lithograph

>A kid named Ty happens to be related to Seth
>he’s the kid’s cousin
>he’s a short kid who runs like a fucking cerulean erinaceous warrior and is scrawny as fuck
>he looks more like flesh stretched over a skeleton
>one day this kid comes in with his shirt tied to his chest and beating his pectorals
>”I could take anyone in this gym! All y’all are pussies, I can take ALL Y’ALL PUSSIES!”
>looks at me
>”I COULD KILL YOU WITH ONE PUNCH! GO AHEAD, TRY TO HIT ME!”
>reply with “Even if I did get in a fight with you, there’d be nothing to punch.”
>realise that I unintentionally spat fire at him
>kid gets mad as shit
>starts coming towards me, wailing on my arm
>not much for a fighter but could give a door a sound knock

Next day

>in gym again
>kid is still extravagantly fired up, hating me with a fiery ire
>decide I should end this somehow
>before I do so, I fuck with Seth a bit
>”mixels is stupid, mixels is bad, etc. etc.”
>actually said et cetera
>”NUOOUGH YOUUR AN ETCETRAAAGH!”
>he actually said this, word for word
>shrug him off
>Ty comes up to me
>”hey, that kid is my brother you fucking bitch, stop bothering him ya fucking pussy, you talk shit but won’t fight or anything, you bother my cousin but won’t fight him”
>reply with “He’s your cousin, huh? Guess that explains why you act so damn retarded.”

>that one was unintentional, fully and completely
>kid starts fighting me again, or flailing about angrily, more of it
>give him a profound punch in his nose
>it was more of an arm sperg than a punch, but it was a pretty good hit
>it actually bloodied him a little
>oh wait
>wait a second
>he’s shivering really fucking hard on the ground now
>his mouth’s foaming
>I just fucking slammed my fist into an epileptic
>oh shit

The kid had a heart attack the next day in the hospital
He fucking died
No one knew it was me, we were in the locker room
I told the teacher we were just having an average conversation when he suddenly started quaking
No one knows it was me
No one knows I’m a killer

kek

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Cool story Cred Forumsro.

Ill dump a few good ones that arent posted alot.

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On par with plaguedoctor greentexts. Well done Cred Forumsretheren.

fucking kek

I was there, I saw it with my own eyes

My sides are in orbit.

>inpossible
>tally ho lads
>pinkmist.lithograph
>rapscallions

Fucking killed me.

>be plague doctor
>use to be fruit salesman but then plague and shit
>sitting at my cool doctor's desk with my cane and scary mask
>some women walks in with her spawn
>"please help my son doctor, he's been touched by the miasma"
>examine him with my cane so I don't have to touch him
>"i know just the thing"
>attach a bunch of leeches to his nasty boils
>"to rebalance the humors"
>mfw I have no idea what that means but am doctor
>like 30 leeches
>kid passes out
>"it has worked, he'll need to sleep on a bed of fresh hay every day from now on"
>"are you sure doctor?"
>"I'm positive, I am a doctor"
>"is that a fruit cart?"
>"no"

>be me
>be 16
>be also gay
>see child
>kill myself
>be zombie
>rape the child
>father walks in
>fingers my ass
>dad becomes rape zombie
>continue on rape spree until entire neighborhood is infected
>mfw no more kiddies to rape
>mfw I was asexual

>I'm d-dangerously cheesy

Gold