How the fuck do you buy a dildo as a male?

What dildo have a pump for milking
Also not dragon pls

you don't, be a man and make your own

You're as bad as the faggots that couldn't buy the mcdonalds MLP happy meal without sperging out about some long story on how it's for your little sister or something.

The cashier doesn't care, they get like 30 male customers every day buying dildos, they won't even remember you.

If only there was an electronic resource were we could buy stuff from home and have it delivered to us.

Thanks g ..feel better now

The cashier is just waiting for the day to be over they dont give a fuck

Tryed but I can't do it properly whiteout bleeding a little. I want a smooth silicone one

Lol, yeah this. They ship in plane boxes. You won't get a dildo shapped package.

You seriously just walk in and pick one one, it's super chill. Lady at the shop even recommended ones for pegging, it was dope.

Op here
Can u tell me some names or products for this ?

Actually... Don't order from overseas. They usually have a customs declaration.

And sometimes they're in soft packaging. You can tell it's a butt plug.

As for buying from a sex shop, what do they care? They wouldn't be running a succesful sex shop if they called anyone a faggot if they're buying a 12' dragon dildo with extra squirt

No one pays for dildos. You just shove it up you ass while in the store and then walk out.

I thought everyone knew this. The same applies for carrots, cucumber, toothbrushes etc.

>making excuses for buying a dildo at the sex toy store

Bruh the cashier is a bigger faggot than you could ever dream of being and will happily recommend a good dong for first timers and how to use it properly

I got a dildo in a black plastic bag once, despite the seller claiming discrete shipping. I guess it's technically discrete since you can't see what's in it, but you sure as fuck could feel a silicone, ball-less dick in the bag though.

Sides are far away

No one cares op

You go to a store that sells pornography and sex toys. You are guaranteed to be one of many degenerates there. Pick the toy you want and go to checkout. Give no fucks about the crowd.

This. If you buy a dildo from China it's gonna say something like "Silicone Object Sex Satisfaction" right on the sticker

Amazon

Who cares if the cashier thinks you're the faggot that you are?

Just research what one you want, buy it off amazon and send it to an amazon locker if your that fucking worried about.

It's 2016 nigger, shits gay as fuck. Just go in and purchase the sex toys you require.

THIS:

Trust me OP Bad Dragon is a billion times better then any other toy you'll buy anywhere online or in local stores.

Their quality is better, their lube is better, their shape/size is better. Their price is a tiny bit high (normal toys being priced at $50 and their toys being around &75) but it's so much more worth it.

I'm in the uk and use lovehoney.

They also have a USA website. They post in plane cardboard boxes and have excellent customer service. I love getting nipple clamps for the misses.

Yeah its a little awkward at first but just go into a shop if they offer help just accept it if not just look around. I ended up having a 15 min talk about lubes with the chick that worked there took her advice had a good time later. it's not awkward unless u make it

Amazon has pick-up lockers. So they ship it to a locker and you can pick it up there. No human interaction required. That's how I did it.

that fucking image...

Ordered my onahole and butt plug vibrator on Amazon , don't think anyone knows yet.

bumping for the best dildoes out there. I got the nova; the one that's basically a dick made out of uncut heads stacked on top of each other.
but I wish I got the horsecock one. ;-;
either way, get a squirting model with a 12 pack of the cumlube. feels so good having that load shoot into you as you empty your balls all over the floor.

I once seen a photo of plane box and doge glued to it said something like "Wow. So much dildos. So big."
Wtf didn't I save this?

I got medium horse cock

need to upgrade to large tho

trying to decide between horse and buffalo

Also don't buy from Amazon using your real name. I work in problem solve fixing broken shit at one of the warehouses and we've seen our fair share of sex toys.

That's a pretty shitty cola advertisement.

cant handle the truth?

Be a man once in your lifetime and just pick it, pay and walk away with it under your arm like some sort of machine gun.

The same way i shamefully buy a pocket pussy.
>Walk in to the sex shop
>awkwardly browse as i pokerface the whole time.
>see cute girl? Go ahead make eye contact strike up a conversation.
Every girl has a dildo. If they say they dont then they are telling you a vile evil lie.
>ask her "so getting the miniature the large or the extra large? Lol"
>this is an ice breaker and she may respond well to it. Everyone in a sex shop (as far as i have ever been to them which is often) likes to joke around about it because its a taboo subject and if yoy can joke about it then everyone feels more at ease with picking the cokecan monster triple action pocket pussy dildo penispump off the shelf and then a 50 gallon barrel of lube then going to the checkout like they are buying cabbage and pasta at the grocery store.

In all honesty the sequence of actions should be:
A. Pre prep by going on the internet and shopping around to see what catxhes your fancy.
2. Make a mental note of it and keep it in yer head.
D. Go to the sex shop and see if they have that thing from the internet or something better or similar enough.
5. Pokerface the whole time everybody is there to buy something be it porn or a dildo a penis pump or a pocket pussy.
B. Go to the checkout the checkout guy dont care, he sees about 2 billion fags asspies and fucktards a day. Act like a normal person who is at the grocery store buying chips and salsa. No cknversation just be like "sup.... Ok heres cash/ you take card? Ok.... Receipt? Yeah.. KThanksBye.
And then walk out like a normal person. And go home anf fuckyourself with your new fuck toy. Because thst is why you got it.
Never buy a fuck doll they are cheaply made and overpriced.
Stick with pussys and dildos.
I reccomend fleshlights they are pretty much the best inanimate objects i have ever fucked and if you have a girl over she will not judge you for having it. Because she probably has a dildo or 5

This is autism

flared or unflared? can you take it to the balls?

It may be autism, but it works.
Using this method i have never had an awkward porn store/ sex shop experience.
Except for that one time a cute hooker was in there trying to sell herself to me. Kept lowering the price to go fuck her in one of the viewing booths.

I was talking about the way you typed this up. Especially the ice breaker part.
Just buy your shit and get out.
Just like buying some apples or a case of beer. Pick it up off the shelf, pay for it, exit shop, go home and consume.

you just act like your buying anything else. Like if your picking out a DVD. And act confident. Just walk up pay and then have a anxiety attack when you get to the car faggot

missed opportunity

For an STD.

seriously.

...

amazon
bad dragon

why the fuck would i even do this

this.
any awkwardness you may feel OP is just the latent shame that society has impressed upon you for having sexual urges. which is retarded because this is the land of the free and if I want to DP myself with two squirting dildoes and full my colon up with faux cum, that's my fucking prerogative don't you think?

>just do it.

Dildos are fucking gay, why would anyone order one from Amazon, 8 by 2.8, Sexflesh, $30?

Fucking faggots... WWJesusD?

do you honestly think somebody working in a sex shop has any right to judge you or your life decisions?

Trust me, user, people working at those places have seen it all. Just take it up to the counter, they won't bat an eye.

In fact, nicer sex toy shops will go out of their way to put you at ease so you can talk about the merchandise and make sure you get something that'll work for you.

Just buy it online you negro

Not OP, but this makes sense to me, on a spiritual level.

Jesus would buy a silicone one, like the utimi 9.7.

ur dead now m8.
A wooden woody is the dong of a carpenter!

You make your selection & just walk up to the counter with nothing being said. Just be sure the clerk is shooting the breeze with another customer so he has to make him wait while he rings up your 8" lifelike dildo with foreskin, balls & a suction cup.

Ask them if they can giftwrap it. Not that hard.

No, wood is porous and will harbor all kinds of bacterial and fungal growths. Silicone is inert and sterilizable. Jesus would want us all to be healthy.

1) full alpha mode and buy it in person without blinking twice or saying anything

2) just use amazon

ye but they didnt have xylophone back then. i suppose they could have made one out of clay or glass.

I always thought Jesus preferred the real thing...

Amazon. retard

Buy some lube and try the toy out in front of the cashier to make sure you are satisfied with the purchase.

former porn store employee. Just go up and pay for that shit like a man. Absolutely no one cares about your proclivities. Do not insult the clerks intelligence with excuses or stories. He or she has already heard them, but your story will make an excellent "listen to this shit" that the clerk will tell their friends for the rest of their natural life.

I remember this one guy came in and bought the biggest rubber dick the store had, and tried to tell me about how he was going to use it as a conversation piece when the mormons came knocking. It was about the size of a coffee can around and at least three feet long. As much as I wanted to believe the guy, I knew inside it wasnt true. Dont be "that guy".

Tell the sales clerk you are buying it for your young daughter.

>he was going to use it as a conversation piece when the mormons came knocking

...

then I'd let you know about eros lube and why its the shiznit for getting things in tight places.

it was very similar to that rock jesus is leaning on. guy had to toss it over his shoulder to take it out to the car. I told him I didnt have a bag that big.

Why would they judge their customers? I mean they are the ones selling the fake dongs in the first place.

nice trip double dongs

Welcome to the VIP lounge.

Go to a sex shop they are not gonna give a shit lol they have fucking glory holes for gay sex in the back half the time

Internet

I see your eros, and I raise you the best lube in the world; bar none.

>this is J- Lube
>an odorless, tasteless, white powder concentrate that makes large quantities of slippery hypoallergenic goo when added to water
>it is literally farm equipment
>designed to grease up mare cunts so the stallions could breed them quicker
>a single container can mix gallons of high quality medical grade lubricant.
>10 bucks online

those holes are just for ventilation, it gets hot back there with all those TV screens on

I used to get embarrassed buying things from porno stores. Then I realized how stupid that is. Someone who sells dildos and mops jizz for a living is in no position to judge anyone. If they give you any shit, go blow a load and shit in the arcade. That will teach them.

Well, if it's good enough for nasty old horse cunt, then it's good enough for me

fucking a, we had cows when I was a kid, and I swear the vet had something like this in his truck for giving cows the old reachinside

You can easily just order from Amazon. Done

this, it's a sex store, a guy buying a dildo is probably the tamest kink they'll see all day.

I use this stuff at work not realizing people use it to shove things up their ass...I guess it would work well for that too

They already know you're a fag. They're wanting a crack at that tight ass.

No really, just go tell them you need a stiff dick in your ass. What's the worst that can happen? You end up not getting to live with people you don't want to live with?

you do realize what will happen to you when I see you do this, and come back there and handcuff your ass in a booth with a ball gag in your fucking mouth. Youre gonna star in our next feature presentation.

Your job is dildos.

I just tell them it's for research for a news article I'm writing for some magazine. And I make sure my (homemade) Journalist card falls out of my wallet when I'm paying so they know I'm legit.

Use amazon. if you don't want it linked to your credit card or some reason get a refillable card from wallmart or sears and use it or buy an amazon gift card.

There a bunch of cheap good quality sex toys on there.

I've got a budget pack of three ass toys and a pocket pussy with 3 holes, my investment for all of that is under $50.

Dude if you're in a sex shop the person at the counter has seen way more fucked up shit than a faggot buying a dildo.

kek

if you can buy the items without vomiting, pissing, shitting or cumming on or near the cashier, they will have no problem with you and you will be a good customer.

Sex shops stock incest porn. You think a fag is going to phase them?

I use it for lubing cable to pull through conduits but dildos sound more fun

technically speaking, this entire thread is dildos

ordering shit online works

True story. I searched amazon for "mechanical dildo" and this image showed up.

Lol men buying dildos is probably one of the most common things in those stores. I've never been asked about my reasons or sexuality or anything buying a dildo or buttplug or related products from a store because it would be rude of them to do so. They might talk about it if you bring it up specifically, but still probably not.

I'd shoot your stupid jizz mopper ass dead thats what would happen.

You could always purchase a fleshlight and grab an anal toy at the same time.

Sort of even things out. Roomates ask what you got and you embarrassingly show them the fleshlight- everything's cool. then go back to your room and play with your new toy (s).

bitch please.

>C-can I borrow it sometime?

Just be fucking professional, people that sell dildos get enough weird people at the counter, they won't fucking care

...

>Just be fucking professional
>"Hi, I'm a Board-Certified Dildo Professional and I'd like to buy this horse cock."

I bought many dildos at sexshop. Some for my wife, some for friends as gifts. The owner never looked at me awkwardly. He doesn't give a shit.

go to a gay sex shop.

in a gay sex shop, people are gay, so they don't care if you are a faggot

No kidding. If they guy had any sense he'd walk up to the counter with a dildo and start asking if it was as good as it looks... chances are the counter person would have an opinion, or at least some feedback from other customers. WTF do people not take advantage of living human resourses PAID to help with such things? A bit of a curve on the tip can mean all the difference.

Friend of mine works at a sex shop, says that gay men are 70% of the customers. So they don't give a fuck.

Think of it this way, it would be like if you worked at mcdonalds and someone bought fries. You wouldn't think anything of it, because that's a popular item that you sell all day long. Same with dildos.

>enter sex shop
>go to dildo section
>choose dildo
>take dildo to counter
>buy dildo
>get beat up by gay-bashing cashier
>enjoy it
Fucking fag.

I dont think they differentiate. cum is cum, yknow?

They'd roll out the armory of dildos in the back with a false wall opening and theatrical lights in the background accentuating the heavy artillery these dildos have a history of making. From "Old yeller" to "Urban black guy turns into a black stallion".

You'll look foolish when they find out you're just being sarcastic.

Just buy online if you feel self-conscious.

There is plenty of gay sexshop. I know 3 of them in my city. They are marketed to gay men, they sell things designed to appeal to gay men.

Lots of fetish gear, clothing etc...

but srsly tho get it from Bad Dragon. its like the honey badger of dildos.

Or just buy it on Amazon ya idjit.

primalhardwere.com/category/ovipositors

pic related get this one OP

If you live in a big city there will be gay specific ones. They are much better if you are gay because they cater directly to you.

I live in a small one though so i have to deal with the garbage straight sex shops.

I bought a dildo in person once
>bring dildo to counter
>black guy working the cash register
>someone gets into line behind me
>black guys pulls the dildo out of the box
>It's much bigger than I expected and am able to use
>"Need to make sure it works"
>Puts in 2 d batteries
>turns it on then off and puts it back in box
>I pay with debit card and leave

Dont be beta

Cashiers have seen it all before.
They're not going to follow you home and stand outside your house yelling "faggot!" at all hours of the night.
They truly do not give a shit.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

>2016
>not buying majority of items online
>Leta lone fucking sex toys

kys you dumb cunt.

Amazon ?

>awkwardly buying a dildo like a little faggot
Being awkard about it is the part that makes you a Lil faggot? I think your going to be a Lil faggot eitherway

The porn shop guy doesn't give a fuck what you buy and even if he does make fun of you he works in a fucking porn shop so who cares what he thinks? Geez, get over yourself.

you go into a shop that has them and you buy the one you want. the end of this thread.

Op here
Wtf ia this thread really going ?
I wanted a few answers
Wtf guys