Does anyone know the worlds funniest joke?

what is the best part about fucking a 5 year old? listening for her pelvis to crack!!

Culture fags detected

haha... hahahahahahahahahaahahahahahaahahahahahaaaaaah

Those must have been good semi-old times on Cred Forums. Been here since 2014 and its getting shittier shittier

thats the version i was thinking of

Two Australian drovers are yarning
"I'm taking two thousand head of cattle south next week"
"Oh yeah? What route are you taking"
"Thought I'd take the wife this time .."

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperw

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer?

Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

I've been here since 2009 and its gotten much much worse

I've only heard it in german a long time ago. My german isn't good enough for me to understood it fully, and all the people that heard it have died by now, so...

I guess it's been lost forever

...

life

...

There's two goldfish in a tank.
One looks at the other and says

"Do you even know how to drive this thing?"

Let's all just measure our dicks
2011

>guy goes out drinking one night
>come's home real late with a duck in his hands and his wife is waiting up for him
>she says "where the hell have you been and what is that?!"
>guy looks down and says "this is the pig I've been fucking
>wife says "that isn't a pig, it's a duck!"
>he responds with "I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU"

...

Trump 2016

user's- do you know how to keep a moron in suspense?

Gender equality

how?

LOST- again

Why do they always say to boil a pot of water when a woman goes into labor?

...

How?

this place has always been 90% shit. no matter how long youve been here.

as the old saying goes, Cred Forums was never good.

Kek

Waiting to see how many people fall for an 8 years olds joke is probably killing you.

fucking checked.

If you give a nigger a banana, you feed him for a day. If you teach a nigger to banana, you feed him for a lifetime.

>funniest joke
>pic related
don't tell the newfags

I thought I had the funniest joke but I saw you at the urinal and had to admit you had the funniest joke, in your hand

is this a joke thread or a get thread

And a check for you good sir

...

12" by 10"

xd

here's one you can try at home, kids

pretty good, kek

Opo

/thread this is the best and greatest and most funniest joke ever on Cred Forums i can die happy now so long Cred Forumsrothers my sides are in orbit

lost big time

tfw your almond aren't activated

A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says

"What is this, some kind of joke?"

How?

I was built backwards: my nose runs and my feet smell.

...

A man walks into a bar carrying a honey badger.
I forget the rest of the joke but your mother's a whore.

i tried opening up a bar next to a coal mine, but the cops came after me since it's illegal to sell alcohol to miners

The fine folks over with Monty Python decided that, in order to make fun of the Germans (who, stereotypically are as bland as a ketchup sandwich) the best way would be to take some of their actual words and mix them with made up german "sounding" words.
The joke itself is a joke, there is no translation because that's not actually german.
If you knew any german other than "sieg" and "heil" you would've figured that out

underrated joke. short and to the point.

>brevity is the soul of wit

How?

Now

OP will shurly daliver

KNOCK KNOCK

What the fuck did you just fucking say about Navy Seal copypastas, you little newfag? I’ll have you know Navy Seal copypastas are ranked top out of all the comments on the Internet, and they have been translated in numerous contexts on Cred Forums, and have over 300 confirmed variants. Navy Seal copypastas are trained in memetic warfare and are the top copypasta in the entire circlejerk arsenel. You are nothing to them but just another target. They will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this subreddit, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit about Navy Seal copypastas over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak this copypasta is contacting it's secret network of Cred Forumstards across the USA and your IP is being doxxed right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. Navy Seal copypastas can be anywhere, anytime, and they can confuse you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with mad-lib permutations. Not only are they extensively trained in trolling, but they have access to the entire arsenal of Anonymous and will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the Internet, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. This copypasta will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

bannana

>Three women are at a party
>Suddenly a guy shows up and whips his dick out
>Two of them have a stroke, the other one watches

yeah yeah, it has always gone shittier and shittier, but here we are. fucking bullshit is still posted, people are still being offended by horse porn and undressing bananas and it will never be like it was before

fuck that shit and fuck this hellhole

k bye i'm of browsing other threads

You salty little man

come on in bro, it's open

whoa

Dave's not here man

Ow the edge

Good evening, may I help you?

NIGGERS!

A dwarf walked into a library and said to the librarian " 'scuse me mate, have you got a book about irony?" The librarian replied "yes mate, it's over there on the top shelf"

YO MAMA IS SO FAT

WHEN SHE HAULS ASS IT TAKES TWO TRIPS

I got ya,

So a white guy walks into a bar,
He sits at the bar and orders a pint of beer,
On one side of him is a jew on the other a black man,
The white guy shoots the jew,
And the black guy asks "Why you do dat?",
The white guy responds "I thought he'd have some money on him.",
The black guys then replies with "That's my style, mah nigger.",
The white guy then shoots the black guy and says "That's racist."

checkd boi

...

fuckin kekd

Just over 8"
Also 2008, but steadily since 2010

A pirate walks into a bar with a peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch.
The bartender looks up and say, "Oh my god, you're a mess! What happened to you?"
The pirate says, "ARRRR, 'twas a stormy sea, and a giant wave - washed me overboard! And as me mateys were hauling me back, a shark leapt outta the water - bit off me leg!"
The bartender says, "Okay, that explains the leg... what about the rest of it?"
The pirate says, "ARRRR, we were layin' siege to a ship - and as I swung over, a sailor reached out - cut off me hand!"
The bartender says, "All right, that explains that... what about the eye?"
The pirate says, "ARRRR! A seagull - shat in me eye!"
The bartender says, "What?? You don't lose your eye from that!"
The pirate says, "ARRRR! But 'twas the first day with the hook!"

...

three lawyers walk into a bar

two of them fail

What's brown and sounds like a bell...?

Mrs. h is applying for a grant from the Ministry of silly walks. I think she stands a chance. Pythons arise

a shitty bell?

Why did Karl Marx hear music whenever he went to the toilet? Because of the violins inherent in the cistern.

>anyone know the worlds funniest joke?
Yup, pic related

dank

How

No, but I know the world's funniest short story. Thank me later.

wattpad.com/159904091-michael-and-the-sex-goblin

DUNG you dumb fuck

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, there were six matching balls

angela merkel

my life

>Just over 8"

...

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one

How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?

Glue toast to the ceiling

the worlds funniest joke is so funny that it can only be repeated in parts, otherwise the speaker (or writer) will convulse into a lethal fit of laughter
..
everyone in the world has only been given a speciific part of the joke for safety reasons
..
i only know this part
..
"There was a midget with a 10" penis"
..

...

Who are the world's fastest readers? 9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 10.3 seconds.

What country would get the biggest percentage of its total population annihilated by a nuclear strike?

Ethiopia - they'd all be running towards the mushroom.

What about the ones on the 4th floor?

Still pretty fast readers imo. 4 stories in 3 seconds? Try to beat it.

Women's rights.

Some 9/11 victims made it out. That's zero stories.

Don't know about funniest but

>What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car at an abortion clinic?

>Having to go in and ask for a coat hanger.

I was there that night

Randy

Heard that first in 1985

what do you call venetian blinds in Ethiopia?

>Implying 9/11 survivors actually exist

Alright 9/11 jumpers then ya nit pickin bastehd

What do you call a cow with no legs?

ME TOO XD XD XD XD

NIGGERS!

wtf is adotf?

ground beef, what do you call a cow right after it gives birth? decaffeinated

what do you call a butthurt cow? Roasted

Women's rights.

No, implying some were at ground level when crushed
>implying there were any people on those planes or in the towers

I spent 6 hours at my wife's grave yesterday. Bless her - she thinks I'm digging a pond.

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and asks "I want the man that shot my paw".

Im pretty sure everybody that heard it died from laughter... including the man who wrote it.

The jumpers were from above the 87th floor, so could be 90 stories or more.
Also, it's storeys when referring to a building. Your joke makes no sense.

what do you call a scared cow? coward

Correctemundo!

...

what do you call a cow fight? a beef

what is a cows favorite muscle? the calf

So if it's born dead they can make soup.

how do cows turn? they steer

What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef

what do you call ground beef, a no legged cow

what do cows say when they do tricks? cow-a-bunga

Fake oldfag detected, it's always been like this, 2014 doesn't qualify you as an oldfag.

how do cows pass the time? they watch moooovies

I'd still fuck them

You can say a lot of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

>Implying New York actually exists
>Implying Jew Yorkers aren't Mossad agents

What do you call a pissed off cow that won't stop mooing? A feminist.

Two cows were out in a field eating grass.
One cow turns to the other cow and says, "Moooooo!"
"Hey", the other cow replies.... "I was just about to say the same thing!"

settle down speglord

what do you tell a cow to convince it to have an abortion? dont have a cow

dont have a cow

Q: What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
A: Beef strokin' off.

Our local ice cream man was found dead in his van, covered in chocolate sauce, crushed nuts and hundreds and thousands.......
They reckon he topped himself.

how do you piss off a cow? milkin it

Kek

What prophet do cows follow? Moohammad

What's a cow's favorite condiment?
Moostard

where does a cow sit? on a cowch

where do cows live? cowifornia

What's the difference between a white cow and a black cow? White cow says moo, black cow says moo out the way!

Q: What happens when you talk to a cow?
A: It goes in one ear and out the udder

what do you call a noble cow? sir loin

I bet you are fun at parties.

What word begins with the letter 'N' but rhymes with 'Digger'?

What's a cow's telephone company? Bell Canada™

What clothing do cows wear? Moomoos.

he was making a joke
if you remembered the sketch you'd figure it out

why did the cow give up? it was faced with udder defeat

you

I've just returned from the World Blindfolded Masturbation Championships.
I've no idea where I came.

I grew up on a dairy farm and have heard these jokes all my life but I still love them. Keep going!!

Fucking cow jokes.

Nigger?

>implying I go to parties
Don't forget about the victims in the Pentagon and Pennsylvania

Do you like fishdicks?

What's a cow's favorite King from The Lion King™ ?

Moofasa

Yes

...

A train conductor was recently hired out of Texas. It was his first day on the job. Unfortunately an accident occurs and he ends up running over a group of Elderly People on a tour bus, killing everyone on board. He is arrested for Murder and is convicted to death. For his last meal he requests a banana, and is given one. The next day he is given an electric chair, and he survives. The prison guards are in awe. Thinking this was enough punishment, the let him free. By some miracle, he is able to get his job back. His first day back on the job, another unfortunate accident occurs when he runs over a group of girl scouts taking a hike on the train tracks. He is arrested and convicted of murder, sentenced to death(in his defense, those girl scouts shouldn't have been on the tracks). For his final meal, he requests a banana. He is given a banana, and the next day he is brought to the electric chair. This time they leave the chair running for even longer, and have even directed more power into the chair, but yet he still survives. The prison guards are just astounded by this and ask him how he is still alive. He responds, "I don't know, I guess I am just a bad conductor."

Where do cows shop the most?
Benjamin Moore™.

The pharmacist rang. Your prescription is ready..

Anybody want to hear a joke about sodium?

how do cows get around? they mooove

South Park's was better...sounds like it was written by Cred Forums oldfags
youtu.be/hyY6ol117MM

Why is it dangerous when a cow climbs a mountain?
The steaks have never been higher.

Na

Na

Na

I read the first two sentences and the last one of this joke and it made me snort.

Let's not forget the countless first responders affected by the toxic dust they inhaled, causing untold damage to their bodies. How fast can they read?

Fuck you and your science

Tell you later

>why dont sharks eat niggers?
>because they think its whale shit.

Here's your (Moo)

How about potassium?

You ruined the fun. 3 m of reading for a bad pun.

Shut the fuck up newfag

...

no one on Cred Forums is going to get a python reference. Maybe mighty python from cringe threads. The weapons grade joke skit isnt even from one of the movies, man, no way these edgy 14 year old mexicans are gonna have any idea what it's about.

K

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Nope. The live one at the bottom trying to eat it's way out is funnier than a plain bucket of dead Babies

NIGGERS

a mexican and a nigger are in a car whose driving???

>the cops

I wish people would stop milking these cow jokes

k

"And a whore with a shallow vagina"

...

I rang my local builder and asked him if I could have a skip outside my house.
He said, 'I'm not stopping you.'

I often confuse Americans and Canadians.

By using long words

Jamaal an' Paul!

Well my uncle was there and he seems to read pretty normal

So Mickey Mouse is talking to his attorney, and the attorney says:
"I'm sorry, Mr Mouse, but I'm afraid your wife acting a bit silly just isn't grounds for divorce."
Mickey replies:
"I didn't say she's acting silly, I SAID SHE'S FUCKING GOOFY."

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker.

Well she's not my girlfriend YET...

George an' Loupe!

Good'ne

Eh?

Estevan an' Oscar

Our business has gone paperless which included removing the toilet paper - apparently everything now has to be done digitally!

A pirate had a ships steering wheel down his pants and was walking down the pier. A man ran up to him and ask "Why do you have a ships wheel down your pants?" the pirate turns to him and replied "Arrrr! I dunno matey, but it's driving me nuts!"

I fucking lost

Darth Vader: "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas. I've felt your presents !"

Stephen Hawking walks into a bar.
Just kidding.

I was raised an only child.

It really annoyed my sister ,,,

dude, holy godaamn shbit this is so funny . i reall really really like this picyure can i ahve it?

So they have stocked up on iPads for people to wipe their poopchute with?

Black humor is a lot like getting pulled over by the police.

Sometimes you get shot.

Oh look, another joke you were too autistic to get!

Who do niggers have huge dicks?

So that was you're covered if there isn't a rope around.

I feel bad for having laughed about this

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The drink is deliverd but before he can grab it a monkey runs across the bar and dips his balls in, then scampers away.

He asks the bartender "WTF - why did that monkey stick his balls in my drink?"

The bartender says he doesn't know and quickly makes another drink to replace the "tainted" one.

When the second drink arrives the monkey appears out of nowhere, repeats his act, and disappears.

The man looks at the bartender, who merely shrugs and starts making another drink. He then turns to the other patrons and asks, "Does ANYONE know why the monkey sticks his balls in my drink?!"

The piano player says, "No, but if you hum a few bars..."

By not giving an answer to the joke. You guys are morons.

How many jews can you fit in a 4 seater car?

2 in the front.

Two in the back.

6million in the ashtray.

K!

The Russian military.

This website

At this* goddammit

Noice.

I like to watch the children running about and shouting. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

Ghetto pregnancy test:
1) stick a banana in pussy
2) pull out and check for bite marks

My typewriter committed suicide last week...my own fault, I kept depressing the keys

Fuck off.

Reminds me of:

When I die I want it to be in my sleep like grandpa. Not kicking and screaming like everyone else in the car.

You've gone and confused millimeters for inches again.

I was at a party the other day and was introduced to a man with a fruit fetish. Actually there were two of them. They like to come in pairs.

Why are blacks so good at track and field?
Lots of experience hurdling coat hangers in the womb.

...

So this is how shitposting was born

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Want to hear a joke?
Egalitarianism

Juan on juan

...

That dude's vagina is full of sand

Why did the bike fall over?
It was too tired.

What is black and sits at the top of the stairs?
Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

I'm sorry mam, but your son died in a wreck. The driver was an alcohol.

Leave

Why did the bike fall over?
Stephen Hawking was riding it.

But then, WHO WAS PHONE??!?!!??

I wouldn't say that I was a lonely child but my mother would tie a bone to my leg so that at least the stray dogs would play with me.

Just leave niggerfaggot

Mum told me to stop tickling my sisters feet ....

I yelled WHY !!!

Well .... She hasn't been born yet!

Nelson Mandela got fed up having car parts delivered every day to his front door. Eventually saw that the parcels were addressed to Nissan Main Dealer.

Your mama's so stupid, she had you.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?

Because they all have phones.

Why did the bike fall over?
The kickstand was up.

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won the Nobel Prize? He was outstanding in his field.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead.

What's the hardest part about eating vegetables?
Getting her back in her wheelchair afterward.

kekkkk

What do you call a muslim in a plane?
A hijacker.

Fuck off with that 'sign up to read the rest' bullshit. Massive cunt.

How can they be victims of they weren't victims?

>victim
>made it out
Choose one autist

When I was young I wanted to be a condiment chef. I couldn't cut the mustard

Black Lives Matter.

...

niggers

I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10.

Kek'd

stfu. Cred Forums was never good.

Cred Forums Pass user since September 2016.

I'm in a same-sex marriage ... the sex is always the same.

You should upgrade to gold.

I didn't know what to wear to my Premature Ejaculation Society meeting, So I just came in my pants.

I told this joke to some Australian friends on runescape who constantly made fun of americans. They kicked me from their clan. Never got it.

I've just had a tattoo of my girlfriends face done...something to look at when i feel horny.....my wife was fuming when she found out ....it's on her back

I made the most awful Freudian slip the other day when talking to my wife over dinner. Instead of saying "Pass the butter, dear" I said "You toxic bitch you've ruined my life".

After Adam was created, there he was, all alone, in the Garden of Eden.
Of course it wasn't good for him to be all by himself, so the Lord came down to visit.
"Adam," He said, "I have a plan to make you much, much happier. I'm going to give you a companion, a help mate for you -- someone who will fulfil your every need and desire. Someone who will be faithful, loving and obedient. Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."
Adam was stunned. "That's sounds incredible!"
"Well, it is," replied the Lord. "But it doesn't come for free. This is someone so special that it's going to cost you an arm and a leg."
"That's a pretty high price to pay," said Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"

Some guy from Wortd War II.

...

Do people really not know how to bypass the chapta for free?

Fucking cancer

A cowboy, an Indian and a black guy were sitting around a campfire one night.
The Indian take a puff from his peace pipe and says "Long ago we were many, but today we are few."
The black guy takes a huge toke off a monster joint and says "Long ago we were few, but to day we are many!"
The cowboy takes a swig of whiskey and says "That's because we ain't played Cowboys and Niggers yet."

Life

Guess what.....chicken but

I really hate this joke like it has no flow at all

laughed

I was up all night playing World of Warcraft. My girlfriend thinks I'm elf-absorbed.

Actually LOLed

women have rights

i had a friend who knew it, but he died

that was really bad

>Cred Forums Pass user since September 2016.
the fuck is that

I dreamt I was being chased by Robert Mugabe, and I thought I could escape by luring him into some wet cement and trapping him there until it dried. But then I realized I had set a dangerous president.

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

AIDS.

...