Apologise

Ahhh, so it's some cunt I haven't heard of then. Well, now it makes sense. Thanks user.

How can the punani resist

Anybody seen Richie?

I'll take you to the bank, terrorists. To the blood bank. DUN DUN DUN.

>tfw you fucked prime Kelly Lebrock

this is 100% bad directing. Not remotely Seagal's fault at all

>Too fat to shoulder his rifle
>Flops around like a stranded whale
>No seagulls fault

Sure thing Steven

At the range one day in boot camp I was holding my rifle above my shoulder like this and when I fired the recoil caused the scope to go right into my eye. Hurt like a bitch and I couldn't see out of it completely for like 2 days and had a gnarly black eye.

This shit is super stupid

2 w a t c h e s
w
a
t
c
h
e
s

isn't that re-shouldering thing a real technique? to minimize your profile when you're slicing the pie on a corner?

but then again his movements in general are kinda "im too fat and lazy to give a shit"

Its so sad how a one second grade, now thrid grade actor tries to look like modern action heroes.

It's a mirror

>you will never be Seagal

why even live

does he wear anything besides these big black coats to hide his girth

Yes.
Holding your rifle like it's a bazooka is also a very common technique (thanks to master seagal)

wtf i thought this was a father-daughter reunion or something first

That's like asking if Kevin Smith wears something other than hockey jerseys

If Sasha Baron Cohen ever gets really fat, this is what Ali G will look like

>Aight one two... I'mma take you to da bank Senator, and it's goin be da blood bank innit. PEACE!

Kimono

Imagine

Whelp, I've found the movie we'll watch this weekend after we watch the good one. When we've had a few beers.

This looks fucking glorious.

Out there somewhere is an user with a WEBM folder labeled
>"Steven Segal fucking"

>"You can say that I lived in Asia for a long time and in Japan I became close to several CIA agents," he said, choosing his words carefully. "And you could say that I became an adviser to several CIA agents in the field and, through my friends in the CIA, met many powerful people and did special works and special favors."

>Seagal declined to offer many details, refusing to cite specific missions or locales. However, when asked about the authenticity of a >scene in "Above the Law" that shows an intelligence operative injecting a rival with a deadly chemical truth serum, Seagal said: "That's not made up. That's something that really happened."

>However, Seagal spoke freely about his involvement in security operations for the Shah of Iran when he was deposed in 1979: "We helped set up safe houses in London and Paris so the Shah and his family could flee the country. We also were aiding members of the Shah's family, who were under the threat of death from Kakahili, Ayatollah Khomeini's killing judge.

Yeah, but he doesn't actually put his rifle on his shoulder

He looks exactly 100,000 times better without the beard.

>damn, surely there is some taliban fuck hiding at the top of the ceiling

do you guys think seagal could beat putin in a fight

ex KGB manlet vs a big guy with martial artist skills

Correction, he puts it ON his shoulder, not against it.

seagal in his prime wins on size alone. Modern Seagal can barely move and needs to be pulled along on a skateboard for scenes where his character needs to move at more than a crawl

Faggot redditor.

Putin is a legit Judo black belt and Seagal doesn't have a great track record when it comes to dealing with Judokas

One is LA time, the other Tokyo time

Steven Seagal
>Big guy
>ex CIA
>Martial Arts God
>Inventor of Combat Sambo
>Katana expert

Vladimir Putin
>ex KGB hitman
>Karate & Judo expert
>ultra badass
>deadly marksman
>hunts bears without shirt
>rides a bike with Russian hells angels

It would be a very fair fight

Why the fuck does he have two katanas?

Nailed it.

>a stylist who fitted Seagal for a tuxedo for the Academy Awards once said, "I had to tailor the tux around two giant guns. He said he needed 'cover' in case 'they' rushed the stage on him. Who 'they' were, I have no idea.

See, we get it that we're laughing at Segal...

I wonder if Putin realizes the world is laughing at him, not with him.

He's like one of those desperate HS edgy kids trying his hardest to pose in pictures.

Putin, is literally their version of fedora + katana.

Why not three?

kek

>>rides a bike with Russian hells angels
Night wolves are fat rich people. They are also sponsored by gubmint anyway.

I doubt Putin has any self awareness at all...

1. hes surrounded by sychophants & yes men

2. he keeps putting out these retarded pictures of him without a shirt riding a donkey thinkig the world will be in awe, when the world is having a good laugh.

>Putin, is literally their version of fedora + katana.

Pretty sure I've seen a picture of Putin posing with a katana before.

topkek

>its a Seagal "casually" brings his pistol collection to movie set and everyone has to pretend to be interested episode

youtube.com/watch?v=wnw08iNb51U

Putin is the equivalent of an edgy Cred Forums kid given control of an entire country.

His voice is like valium holy shit

Is this the original poster or the meme?

>i would advice not getting killed by him

Can you imagine being that poor girl?
Probably worse than being one of Corey's Angels...

His entire looks photoshopped

Putin is a PR genius, he tries to appeal to the slavic macho culture and the idiots in russia and east europe eat that shit up. They seriously think that he's cool. They're the kind of people who love Dan Bilzerian. Slavs, niggers and latinos eat that shit up. That's why Seagal is pandering to the jugoslavs these days.

Are there any gifs of Seagal passing out and shitting himself?

Not that I know of. Ask Bas Ruten.

...

There was this one time, at boot camp

Does Cred Forums ever do streams anymore?
This would be a lot of fun...

...

Not enough lens flare

>extensive firefights

It's absolutely terrible

Let's hear some of your Minecraft Convention stories comrade

Why does he have TWO katanas? Didn't samurais have a katana paired with a shorter tanto?

That's what I'm counting on.

It was a wakizashi, but yes, it was a shorter sword but two katanas LOOKS COOOOOOOOL

>Imagine being the actress in that scene and having to be all like "damn, Steven Seagal, you fuckin' fine, all sexy with your dyed goatee and horrific fat monster face. I would totally have sex with you, both my character and the real me." Like seriously imagine having to be that actress and not only do a lap dance while Steven Seagal is too fat to do anything, the favorable lighting barely concealing his stretchmarks and leathery skin, and he just sit there, take after take, hour after hour, while you perfect that dance. Not only having to tolerate his monstrous fucking visage but his haughty attitude as everyone on set tells him he's STILL GOT IT and DAMN, STEVEN SEAGAL IS ALPHA AS FUCK!! because they're not the ones who have to dance around that beached beluga and you try to act horny while he sits there doing fucking nothing, his fat face unable to express any emotions. You could be giving JCVD a lap dance, hell, even Dolph Lundgren or a drunk Mel Gibson, but no. You've never even seen anything this fucking disgusting before, and now you swear you can taste the sweat that's breaking out from under his loose gut that is thanfully hidding his tiny erection, or whatever inch of his penis that manages to escape his blubber, while he's smugly assured that you are enjoying the opportunity to grind against his manly Jabba the Huth body, a body he worked so hard for with personal trainers in the previous decades. And then the director calls for another take, and you know you could kill every single person in this room before the studio security could put you down, but you continue to dance and endure, because you're some orphaned Russian hooker provided by Vladimir Putin's personal security and you'll be sucking horse cocks for a webcam if you displease the party. You don't have a choice. At least it's not Donald Trump. Just bear it. Dance and bear it.

Wakizashi and katana. There are basically no recorded techniques that pairs katana with a short tanto.

instagram.com/p/BJ6pBUlgyJX/

Demo of weebshit fighting.

Seagal shit his pants when VanDamme wanted to fight him, he'd get killed by Putin.

>dat manly tricycle

...Is he wearing catchers pads?

He keeps his beard to cover his fat overnight ice cream gallon huge jowl.

>actual quote probably 'And then the fucking extensive firefights would never stop, unless Seagal saw a hamburger.'

Where the fuck did you go for boot that they gave tou fuckers scopes? I was lucky they didn't have us qualify with muskets.

ACOG are pretty common these days

only the best for Putin

Truly Seagal is a master swordsman

youtube.com/watch?v=ECBt_ohVJ9M

I though Seagal was a big guy?

Clearly i was wrong

I actually meant MCT, we used iron sights in boot, but they do using ACOGs now in bootcamp. Its easy as fuck to get expert.

He's 6'4. That other dude is obviously a giant.

Remember the TAO of Cred Forums...no matter if you are a big guy...there's always a bigger guy out there for you.

>putin
>ultra badass
He's an ultra manlet, nothing more.

Thats because Seagal was in CIA. In CIA they teach secrets ninja rifle tactics that you jarheads have no idea about.

great post, ruined by 'at least its not donald trump', not because i like trump, i dont, it was just unnecessary and cheap

At least Seagal is still a big guy for Putin

It is but he is doing it wrong letting the rifle kind of float around.

Agreed. Also should have included a reference to Seagal having a painting on the wall of his own album cover on the wall. Wasted opportunity.

Kino or uber kino?

The most emotional movie he has ever done

herezthatinifinityiwuztellinuabout.amaaazinggunlosbymybuddialmostfifteenroundsinafortyfivecanyouimagineveryaccuratespectacularpistol.

thisisthatfiftyiwuztellinuabout. guncfraft. amazing. flatfastnoovenpenetrationgreatdistanceuinknowuhvelocty.

>the size of the sun

HOLY FUCK IS HE ON VENUS?

One of my backup, my backup, one of my backups

isnt that amazing?

I stopped doing streams. Mods kept banning me for making threads, and only two or three people would actually watch the movie.

(((they)))

What is your favorite Seagal era?

1: The American-Italian / CIA era
2: Native American / Enviromentalist era
3: African American / Ghetto era
4: Asian / Buddhist era
5: Russian / Slavic era
6: Russian / Operator era (his current phase)

youtube.com/watch?v=DgYlKtLq9FE

What does he say again at 0:24?

Thank you for correcting the record

take out the nextailcomesup?

THIS SUMMER

Nice try Vick, butta..
>You still sowabou da fiddy bugghs?

...

SNATCHED

>move to Slavland because no one in the West takes you seriously anymore

fuck

great work, user

JUST

SNATCH

MY

BURFDAY

Did they photoshop his head on there? Why doesn't the top of his face line up with the bottom of his face?

Get out of here tovarisch.

I didn't even get ACOG in afghanistan.

Had CCO or whatever the fuck it was called. The little red dot in the view. Wasn't bad, but only like 5 people got ACOGS in the company.

I'm a bong and I can't fucking understand him

Holy shit

>tricycle
>bike

>tfw you will never see andre drink 108 beers

119

Andre was not of this world, hopefully his movie turns out good.

>forgetting that Seagal is a god

Its Rob Van Dam

A wrestler of ECW/WWE/TNA fame who took this name as a reference to Van Damme.

Yeah, thats actually a legit part of the kendo sport.

>take out the exiled ???gun seller???

>Apologise.

He doesn't need to apologize.

>ex CIA
>fluent in 8 languages
>Serbian citizenship
>Italian-American heritage
>Born and grew in Brooklyn, NYC
>Honorary Russian
>black belt in Aikido
>honorary black belt in Karate
>honorary black belt in Shibari
>Japanese heritage
>fought against Yakuza members
>Katana collection
>expert in Wines
>Counter Terrorism expert
>International sex symbol
>Mongolian heritage
>Blues musician
>BFF with machoman Putin
>Putin is ex KGB hitman
>Russian heritage
>Part-Time reserve Sheriff Deputy
>Trains security guards
>Trains Russian Special Forces
>Trains UFC fighters
>Buddhist god
>raised by black blues musicians in New Orleans
>Has his own energy drink
>has 1911 collection
>Better shooter than Jeff Cooper & Jerry Miculek
>Grew his hair back

Assuming you're clinically retarded you simply don't understand how attacking and protecting yourself are two separate things. Or that you could do them both at the same time.

Maybe you think that suicide is the strategy for both kendo and western sport fencing.

Its called the itto-ryu, its allowed at tournaments.

Mr Seagull would you sign muh dick?

That was bait. The german longsword art is based on defending yourself and attacking in the same move.

wow sick switcherroo they pulled here then

>glorious
out

...

well im sorry to hear that

Did you carry Infinity in Afghanistan?

Can no-one decypher Seagals crypto CIA line of dialogue here?

this

I think he is seriously going through changes

Has anyone noticed he kind of sounds like Trump without a New York accent?

It's mostly Segal sitting in a chair and sighing

>that obvious skateboard

>Sniper
>he's carrying an M4 and 2 katanas

Kek!

it's a shoop m8, a good one nonetheless

This, don't expect too much
Seagal is better at rollin than walking,... or muttering dialogue for that matter

Let's train together now under the wisdom of our 400lb hacker sensei around 4 minute mark

youtube.com/watch?v=aYpOIQUVT7U

Top fucking kek

>cannot unsee

cause american sniper was popular

Chris Kyle was actually trained by Seagal in SEAL sniper school, but Seagal being extremely humble down-to-earth type of person didnt want to make a big deal about it.

what went wrong?

Where did it all go wrong

Why would she do this to herself?

At least Sensei Seagal still keeps good care of himself

...

He throws his swords at you from really really far.

>This better be good.
youtube.com/watch?v=4E1NFckaDqU

wtf is wrong with his hairline? Does he spray some shit on it to make it look thicker?

It's an implant that represents an island of serenity mixed with a hint of bushido
Oh no wait, it's just aweful

damn that's a classic meme

Did he write his own IMDB profile?

i fixed it a little bit

he does

fucking lel

amazing

>looks down to see where his mark is

...

>he's shooting the other way

>handling a gun like that

last shot goes through a hotel room window and kills a 12 year old kid

BAHAHAHAHA

Seagal vs Hitman

I am getting some solid keks from this thread, thank you guys

...

>not mentioning the weabo era
sm.h tbqhwy fa.m

...

*SCREEEEECH*

>still no Last Samurai pasta

I'd hit that. Come on. Gimme some wine and I will.

>Them tits

...

>I could kill him right here, right now and end this
>stay strong, Vladimir

>this poor woman had to pretend to be attracted to Steven Seagal for an entire movie, even had to make out with him

>sniper
uses uzi-74 assault pistol
BRAVO NOLAN

JESUS CHRIST

To quote James Rolfe:

What were they thinking!?

Jesus christ. Literally how? How could you have enough space in your body to do that? I drink 3 beers and I'm pissing all night.

was he just at the toilet, pissing and drinking?

I saw a video clip of Seagal training with Arizona police officers practicing close quarters stuff inside in building.

He kept his finger on the trigger all the time and muzzle sweeped the officer in front of him

*swaps shoulder on a modern rifle*

>The gun is shooting but the top part ain't moving
>Look at it in dismay
>"Why is gun"

Steven Seagal is such a shitty actor and every film he plays in turns into shit

>>Grew his hair back
that's a shitty toupee dawg...better than John Travolta's though.

his hair look like CGI

how can Larry Vickers compete?

Its an amazing gun, carries almost 15 rounds

>2 watches
What
That coat
Why, Seagul? Why?

So this is the power of operator kino

His foreign punani he got cozy together with these last few years all file for divorced only to meet Seagals demands after supposedly being threatenend by his Russian mafia buddies

He also got chokeholded by 90 y/o Gene Lebel and Seagal being Seagal never allowing defeat proceeded to strike a blow in the elderly former martial arts champion's groin

Has anyone seen pic related?

It's got one of the most unintentionally creepy / funny endings I've seen

How would you rate Seagal's marksmanship instructor skills?

>push the bullet

youtube.com/watch?v=Gn4d-UqPVN4

Damn enjoy those thread while.it last.
He ll prolly in the next few years.

Is that you, Steven? Do you type like you talk?

how can whiteboi Seagal even compete

That last one is from a different movie- 'A Good Man'

So he's practiced enough with his own firearms that he can shoot a close grouping from a few feet away. They must have got the worst shot in the department for his to shoot with.

>that glass
>those katanas
>that shop
>VAN DAM
>SNIPER, but without a sniper rifle
top fucking kek

youtube.com/watch?v=4KlyHwnPqns

>*groans*
>slides gun into other hand
>mumble mumble

is he even looking at where he's aiming?

>accurately spectular

Seagull killed a dog with a tank

yusillsorboudahfiddybux

man, what kept you Vic? You still sour about that 50 bucks?

but I can't make Vic's answer.

its a standard procedure

abc15.com/news/state/actor-martial-arts-expert-steven-seagal-teams-up-with-sheriff-joe-arpaio-in-new-reality-show

only novices need to do that

want to be a pro?

-Get two watches.
-Switch trigger hands often.
-Don't look where you are shooting sometimes.

jesus i'm dying

I don't actually think Segal is 6'4...

Putin is a legit 5'5-5'6 and there is no way he is 10 inches on him.

shit, I couldn't even think about that! Shows how ahead based Steven is.

this made me laugh

"nope"

>is he a bird?

> He wasn't heard of RVD

The state of your life.

Someone needs to stream one of these shitty movies

You forgot the

>Ooourrghh

At the beginning

he looks so alert, so on point, like a hawk ready to plunge upon its unsuspecting victim

i'm convinced that Seagal is legit autistic

I just feel like he has never been told "no" in his life. Everyone in his life is a damn yes man ass kisser.

hes so fat lmao

EASY

How many punanis he has in his harem?

those fucking feels

STOP THE CAR!!

If someone can make a webm of Ja Rule flying out of the car I will suck your dick

youtube.com/watch?v=tsXabeuK2PE

BAAAD MAAAN

youtube.com/watch?v=VUoVx7qDBzE

ahahahahahahahahaha

OHHHHHHHHHH!

ahahahahahaha

It is sad to see a beautifully directed movie like John Wick and then see something on the other side of the spectrum like this.

>Gee Seagal, two katanas?

Why does he look so sad with a hot bitch getting nekkid in his face?

When she smiles it reminds me of the Supreme gentleman

Seagal teaches deadly Aikido training to the Serbian police special forces. Thats pretty badass!

Serbia even gave Seagal a citizenship as reward for his service.

does that mean he's authorized to remove kebab

He is a great dancer too

youtube.com/watch?v=FimDHc0-ViU

Gee Steven how come your mom lets you wear two watches?

Seagal is an expert removing kebab and other tasty foods

Serbians must be so proud having a international super star and sex symbol as one of them now.

youtube.com/watch?v=yxloUBCYuFM

and proceeded to lose three wars

This thread has turned into shitty /k/ memes shitshow

don't watch it, segal is only in a few scenes and doesn't interact with any of the other people and only has a few lines

the 2 action scenes involve a shot of him shooting and then a shot of someone getting shot, i'm pretty sure they spent 3 days filming his scenes separately

To those who doubted his Aikido abilities and those who say that Aikido is bullshit just watch these and APOLOGIZE

youtube.com/watch?v=OxDKVPj11jQ
youtube.com/watch?v=aYpOIQUVT7U

So, when will he start his career as sumo fighter?

He isn't the Sniper. Van Dam is. If somebody is a real good sniper, you can't see them. That's why Seagal is on the cover but not Van Dam.

Lucius Vorenus

>>honorary black belt in Shibari

10/10

no it hasn't doofus

>One eye on the birthdays
>The other on the punani

what a qt

>2 katanas
Kek

Also why Wesley Snipers name is bigger than Seagul's and Van Damn?

is the sun cgi?

>That 10mm MP5

Want

>"well that's mot too weird-"
>different writsts

cutie

Oh my god, JS, a bomb!

>I could be at home practising close combat
>or eating ice cream

More like kinono

Marcin Gortat is like 6'10".

Was zum Teufel hast du grade über mich gesagt, du kleine Schlampe? Du solltest wissen, dass ich meine Ausbildung beim GSG9 als Jahrgangsbester abgeschlossen habe, in mehrere Kommandounternehmen gegen Al-Kaida involviert war und über 300 bestätigte Tötungen habe. Ich bin in Gorillakriegsführung ausgebildet und der beste Scharfschütze im deutschen Bundesheer. Du bist für mich nichts als ein weiteres Ziel. Ich werde dich mit einer nie zuvor gesehenen Präzision vom Antliz dieser Welt tilgen, merk dir meine verdammten Worte. Du denkst du könntest hier im Internet so eine Scheiße über mich erzählen und damit durchkommen? Denk lieber nochmal darüber nach, du Wichser. Während wir uns hier unterhalten, habe ich schon mein geheimes Netzwerk aus Spionen kontaktiert und deine IP-Adresse wird grade rückverfolgt, also mach dich besser auf den Sturm gefasst, du Made. Der Sturm, der das erbärmliche kleine Ding, das du als dein "Leben" bezeichnest, auslöschen wird. Du bist verdammt nochmal tot, Junge. Ich könnte jederzeit überall sein, und dich auf über siebenhundert verschiedene Arten töten, nur mit meinen bloßen Händen. Aber ich bin nicht nur im unbewaffneten Kampf ausgebildet, ich habe auch Zugriff auf das Waffenarsenal der Bundeswehr und ich werde es aufs Vollste ausschöpfen, um deinen elendigen Arsch von diesem Kontinent zu blasen, du kleiner Scheißkerl. Wenn du nur gewusst hättest, was für eine apokalyptische Rache dein kleiner "witziger" Kommentar provoziert hat, hättest du vermutlich dein verdammtes Maul gehalten. Aber nein, das hast du nicht hinbekommen, das wolltest du nicht, und jetzt wirst du dafür bezahlen, du verdammter Idiot. Du wirst in meinem Hass ertrinken. Du bist tot, Junge.