Here's the thing:

He's a cuck

>"Computer games are rubbish."
based Kermode

Your comment was not without flaws. Hello to Jason Isaacs, problematic problematic William Peter Blatty hello to Clorox, George Lucas couldn't direct traffic, Zack Snyder Zack Snyder Danny DYAH my toes curled so far they went right up the cunt of the lady professor good wife her indoors not without its flaws in Sir Anthony Hopkins's everybody involved should be throroughly ashamed

>But why did he backtrack
He does all the time. Notice how the 'no one can have a phone in the cinema, ever' turns into 'lol doctors can' to 'lol no they can't'. On everything but the films themselves he can be pretty inconsistent

You said a "jackdaw is a crow."
Is it in the same family? Yes. No one's arguing that.
As someone who is a scientist who studies crows, I am telling you, specifically, in science, no one calls jackdaws crows. If you want to be "specific" like you said, then you shouldn't either. They're not the same thing.
If you're saying "crow family" you're referring to the taxonomic grouping of Corvidae, which includes things from nutcrackers to blue jays to ravens.
So your reasoning for calling a jackdaw a crow is because random people "call the black ones crows?" Let's get grackles and blackbirds in there, then, too.
Also, calling someone a human or an ape? It's not one or the other, that's not how taxonomy works. They're both. A jackdaw is a jackdaw and a member of the crow family. But that's not what you said. You said a jackdaw is a crow, which is not true unless you're okay with calling all members of the crow family crows, which means you'd call blue jays, ravens, and other birds crows, too. Which you said you don't.
It's okay to just admit you're wrong, you know?

I think he secretly posts here, probably spamming pictures of large black schlongs while his wife is out having lesbian sex with her erotic films feminist throat singing knitting circle

Guest presenter rankings:

>God tier
Sanjeev Bhaskar

>good tier
Ben Baily Smirh
Floyd & Boyd
David Morrissey

>okay tier
James King
Edith bowman

>shite tier
Robbie Collin

>it's an animation is just a series of still images that create the illusion of movement episode
This is my favourite meme at the moment

tut tut that is a reddit pasta and you should be thoroughly ashamed. You're not without flaws but your comment outstayed its welcome and it could have done with Roger Corman cutting a good five or six sentences off the end. hello to benjamin netanyahu, danny dyah danny dyah bananarama

>implying he doesn't post anvil threads

I skip them.

Remember the Colin Murray, Phil Williams ones?

Didn't pass the six laugh test.

Just use the handy guide above to determine which are worth listening to.

I remember Colin Murray, he was cool, who's Phil Williams though? Is he a critic?

>>shite tier
>Robbie Collin
Robbie is great. Probably even as insightful as Kermode. Stop trashing me.

Long Time Listener In Car, First Time Masturbating In Public While Emailing

LTLICFTMIPWE

Just some random 5-Live Guy. He was bland enough but once told Kermode 'back in your box love' or something similar it was funny.

>made me want to BATHE in... CLOROX
He always tries to think of the word, and it's always "clorox"

Is Clorox even on sale in the UK?

In The Night Of, John Turturro's character is advised to bathe in Clorox by his foot doctor. I instantly thought of Kermit.

nope

What should he bathe in then? Domestos? Toilet Duck?

I once saw him make sweeping generalisations about videogames as a medium based on an afternoon with Wii Sports.

>It's a long lickarse email from some dullard woman who thinks mark and simon are her friends episode

his wife's cunt juice

Your comment is problematic but ultimately fails on its own terms hello to jimmy savile's briefs

Mark came to my uni and I got to meet him. He's a decent guy. Signed my book.

No. This one fact is all you need to know about him as a critic. He uses Americanized insults in case any Americans are listening. But they never are.

this made me audibly laugh for about 30 seconds, nice one
this does always happen though
>it's a bored white van man decides to phone in and spout inane bollocks about the latest Guy Ritchie movie whilst Mark just sits there saying 'okay, yep. sure.' as the caller tries to think of synonyms for 'good' episode

hello to Stephen Fry's twink and Stephen Fry's stinky cock.

Kermode is an objectively poorer film critic than Larry King.

I fucking wince every time he says "problematic".

Also every time he somehow mispronounces "Kaguya". How does he do it? You say it how it's written!

GOOD EVENING GOOD EVENING GOOD EVENING
I SMEAR CUM ALL OVER MY TWINK HUSBAND'S FACE WITH MY BIG FAT SMELLY STINKY KNOB

You see, this is how he works. A network of satisified customers who got their meet-and-greet and think he's their guy. But he's not, any more than Princess Anne is.

I went to see Kaguya in cinema and pronounced it how he does to the ticket lady. Never felt stupider. It's pronounced kah-guh-ya. He says it as kah-goy-yer.

Guys, I think I'm going to have to be the one to assassinate Mark Kermode. Dressed as Pazuzu

He was saying it before it became the SJW minah bird call it is now, to be fair. Film critics were using it for years before it became a synonym for 'reminds me that normal people exist'.

Kek

If he had a choice, that's how he'd want to go. Good luck!

>it's a Mark Kermode accidentally lets slip that his feminist wife pegs him whilst shouting Bolshevik slogans episode
>Simon awkwardly chuckles and says "oh dear" before reading out an email from Kevin from Somerset who's written in to say that he thought the latest blockbuster was good

Cillit BANG!

>I wanted to like it. I really did.
>didn't
Every fucking time, Kermode.

>BBC's flagship film show
>phone-ins

>That's a very well argued email, but I disagree.
>[end of comment]

Why? The person selling you the bloody ticket probably don't know how to probounce it

this
he's such a bastard when it comes to hearing other people's opinions

their probunciation would probably be closer than Kermode's

>Hello I am 12 and I am a big boy. I like films and I like to watch films with my dog Spot. I like listening to your show and I like The Lego Movie it had a good plot and I enjoyed myself. Thank you I like fish fingers and beans. Lord Fauntleroy, Kent, Age 12
>Mark: What a well-spoken genius of a child. My job is threatened. What an amazing specimen

>it's a Mark just namedrops every director/screenwriter he can think of as fast as he can for 3 minutes and writes it off as a review, without ever even saying what the film is about let alone if he liked it

Who cares?

Wow this thread is literally nothing. You fucks couldn't come up with one funny insult.

>it's a Simon interrupts Mark to ask what a DOP is episode

Every time.

We're having a serious discussion you fucking fat face.

Okay mate here's one for ya:
Mark Kermode is almost as bent as you.

>it's a Mark repeats 'your mother smells of elderberries' instead of reviewing a film by a French director episode

James King detected.

>it's a Mark tells the story of that time he was ejected from Cannes for yelling swear words mid-screening like its something to be proud of instead of reviewing a film that debuted at Cannes episode

But he like Warcraft to be fair

Do you think he really hates Cannes because he's just a random critic arsehole there and he boycotts or and mocks the other critics the same way the kid who gets picked last for sports just doesn't want to play and takes his ball home?

Only because he likes Duncan Jones, so he gave it a free pass.

Just like how this Friday he was STILL defending Transcendence just because he's a fanboy of Wally Pfister. Even Simon was saying it was truly bad.

Probably. Critics like Robbie Collin handle Cannes far better.

He has become more enlightened about both TV and video games note, but for years he was irrational and reactionary in entirely dismissing them. No real difference between the way he used to act and those types who rubbished movies because they were a lower form of art than opera etc.

Your muzzer was an amster and your fazzer smelt of elderberries

youtube.com/watch?v=g3mq-1jcFzk

Fuck. Remember when Ridley used to be good?

He's so young there.

I miss the older shows. Mark would be a guest on Simon's show and the guest would do the top ten with them and there would be better banter with other presenters. Mark way more edgy too. Now he's all mellow and politically correct all the time. The way it is now, it's great and all, but it's so insular and all the catchphrases and tired Wittertainment in jokes and cringeworthy fan emails. Sigh.

Yes, the difference is that television and video games are both of less worth. He was better when he dismissed them. Now he's even closer to representing Joe Headset.

Maybe the majority are, but it's not true in every case. Same with television. There's plenty of good television, and there's plenty of tripe movies.

No, it's true in every case. People who claim otherwise are part of the reason white civilisation is now in danger.

Is Sex Lives of the Potato Men superior to an episode of The Wire, simply because it was screened in cinemas?

There's not enough talk about upcoming films or movie news in the programme. Just films arrive and are reviewed. No buzz for upcoming stuff. Maybe instead of the endless boring emails from upper middle class librarians, they could just let Mark talk a bit more generally about whatever. Usually he does this on his own blog and in short videos. I'm tired of hearing these try hard emailers trying to cram in as much Wittertainment lore into their letter possible

Yes. If you can't tell that there's more difference between film and television than screening venue, why are you even.

If you can't evaluate the quality of two different pieces of work on a deeper level than 'Hurr durr all films are better than television', then you're a moron.

Criticism isn't the place for upcoming 'buzz'. Kermode isn't much as a critic, but he's not a viral mouthpiece yet.

>Yes. If you can't tell that there's more difference between film and television than screening venue, why are you even.
Nice Strawman. I directly asked you whether one piece of poor filmmaking was better than a decent piece of work made for television, as it's you who's being completely reductive in a gormless way and you say yes, and that there's more important differences between TV and film than screening venue. Which obviously seems to imply you choose Sex Lives of the Potato
Men as a superior piece of work as an actual evaluation of its inherent qualities. Which would make you a retard.

I am evaluating them on the deepest level. You sound like a man-boy love apologist.

No, it's clearly superior, because cinema is an artform, and television is not. Nobody who thinks television is an artform has any intellectual authority to support their evaluations of cinema.

I don't mean buzz in the sense of light vital type buzz, but he does talk about upcoming projects and one of topics on his blog which work well. The long tangential letters from pipesmokers and vicars have even less to do with movie criticism

Has this smug cunt had an original thought in his entire life?

I challenge anyone to find a single review in which he disagrees with the RT critic consensus.

You clearly have no intellectual authority to evaluate anything if your automatic position would be to proclaim an absolute piece of worthless tripe movie superior to everything else appearing on television simply for to your judgment that things created for television are not art. Jesus Christ you sound like you just finished your first week of your college course on filmmaking. Either it's a good bait on your behalf or you're genuinely stupid.

From all the BBC's film programming - basically this and Film [year] with Claudia Winkleman - I get the impression that they're doing the bare minimum for a pure casual audience. Even Kermode's dedicated fans are mere headset monkey Stallone and Godfather fans.

So you're just a pleb then. Okay got it.

>simply for to your judgment

Your syntax broke down here, peasant.

>on your behalf

You mean 'on your part'. Interesting how your fear of education slips out. Pity you never finished that NVQ in office management, isn't it?

>Dekalog > Capeshit

People who think box-set teevee = art have no business calling anyone a 'pleb'.

...

No, just various autocorrect mishaps and Clover related clunkiness. But don't let me keep you from your Capeshit, you dimwit.

No, cinema is the artform.

People who think Sex Lives of the Potato Men is superior to The Wire for any conceivable reason = educationally subnormal.

No, 'on your behalf' is a common mistake, it's like 'diamond dozen', don't blame your tools.

If you understood the post you're replying to, why are you replying with this kind of comment? It adds nothing.

"Hi Worcester and Jeeves, after finishing an inexplicably long day last Friday and barely overcoming the so-called 'thrills' of modern parenthood the husband and I decided to engage in a spot of Friday night escapist fantasy with -FILM X- based solely upon Mark's recommendation. Imagine our shock when it turned out to be a two-hour slog through inane, baffling and incomprehensible utter tosh disguised as entertainment. Apoplectic with rage didn't even begin to cover it as we reached the sixty minute mark of inexorable dribble! We immediately retrieved the woeful disc from our DVD player of choice before returning it to the shop and instead ended up getting nice and cosy with a copy of Pirates 4. In summation we feel the good doctor owes us an apology and will take this in the form of a birthday greeting to our daughter who is currently overseas in Australia. Signed, Cunt."

You conveniently ignored the first part of your post I see. You're like a twelve year old who discovered a bumper book of film criticism and thinks he's a major authority on film. You come across as an autist.

You are an idiot who stated that one thing is better than the other, simply because of your juvenile belief that anything created for cinemas is inherently of greater value.

Nobody has ever seen Sex Lives of the Potato Men. Its badness is just received opinion. Worse or better than I Want Candy and the one about people jumping under Tube trains? We'll never know, nobody saw those either. The deliberately stupid title is quoted as if the people quoting it were making their own joke rather than piggybacking witlessly on someone else's.

I saw it. On television. Adrian Chiles goes topless in it.

I've seen it, channel 4 aired it IIRC

Load of gash

The Fat Slags movie was worse

The first part of which post? Mate, you're an obvious virgin who wants video games and telly to be art so he can justify the years of his life he's pissed away on both. However you reply, it's not going to end with me respecting you, so why don't you save yourself the hassle, have a wank and get some sleep? It's going to be a long day at the call centre tomorrow.

Yes, anything created for the cinema is of inherently greater value.

>Adrian Chiles goes topless in it.

Already of greater cultural importance than The Wire.

What the fuck does white civilisation have to do with the discussion you autist

W H O
H
O

Because civilisations stand or fall by how capable their people are of prioritising and recognising natural and/or desirable hierarchies.

Great comeback. I've no interest in video games. Your attempt to really cut me to the core is as witless as your idea that anything created for the cinema is of inherently greater value. A piece of intelligent filmmaking can be made in front of cameras and amount to a worthwhile work of art, whether or not it would be for television, VOD or traditional release. You're just attempting to paint yourself as an expert by being a contrarian autist.

Not even viral buzz, but he could talk about the next Lars von Trier movie or something

>However you reply, it's not going to end with me respecting you
Oh dear. You think people want the respect of a cringeworthy autist.

...

Lmao where?

Art subjective. Boo hoo. Your opinion is not an authority anybody respects. Your just a shitposter. You know this to be true

I read all this in the voice of Daffy Duck.

This guy won

*You're. SwiftKey again.

His audience are impatient enough about art cinema at the best of times.

You obviously do, or you wouldn't keep replying.

Are you disabled or something? Stop posting.

Ugh.

>computer games are rubbish
Yet he still liked the Warcraft movie.
youtube.com/watch?v=BPX6TNOhVYI