Mind=blown

2 monks were walking along a bridge...

>It's a Seagal uses his black man voice episode

well, I good thing they don't have to be particularly good at it

really makes you think...

>Steven Seagal nonchalantly attracted the sun to the earth provoking the extinction of humankind

How can a man be so based...

...

>Wonder why Steven's movies always have such atrocious editing
>turns out he has final cut on his fight scenes and usually forces his ideas about the rest of the film on the editor
>he spends 90% of the time in the editing room performing the sick fighting moves he did in the movie for the editor and often uses the editor as if he were his opponent
>Steven always carries a loaded gun while editing a film

shit, the others are real cornballs but this one hits home

>Those bullets following the car
wat?

WAT

WAT THE

bullets are not magnets and do not have tracking devices in them ffs

What is the Buddha nature?

independent.co.uk/voices/comment/an-audience-with-the-tiger-bashar-al-assad-s-favourite-soldier-9508736.html

>But what of another story which circulates about The Tiger: that he also broadcasts his own poetry across his enemies’ front lines?

>He does not tell us this at first. He goes on about his belief in freedom, law, truth, not all qualities which one would associate with the Syrian regime but then he launches into the following piece of romanticism: “My heart is like a rock. My mind is as quiet as the sea. Nobody forgets that if the tide goes out, the sea swallows everything. The moonlight is very beautiful, but this moonlight can withdraw the oceans with the ebb and flow of the tide.”

>Yes, he agrees after some seconds, he broadcasts this across the front lines. In separate conversations with us, his officers agree the story is true.

He has been bested.

Yeah, this is the biggest load of shit ever.

If you believe this you must be fucking dumb.

Don't you dare question seagull kino, motherfucker birthday.

No it's true.

>EASY

What did he mean by this?

oh ok

>They saw my abilities, both with martial arts and with the language. My CIA godfather told me he'd never heard any American speak Japanese so well. I would say I was a prime candidate to be recruited."

>"You can say that I lived in Asia for a long time and in Japan I became close to several CIA agents," he said, choosing his words carefully. "And you could say that I became an adviser to several CIA agents in the field and, through my friends in the CIA, met many powerful people and did special works and special favors."

>However, Seagal spoke freely about his involvement in security operations for the Shah of Iran when he was deposed in 1979: "We helped set up safe houses in London and Paris so the Shah and his family could flee the country. We also were aiding members of the Shah's family, who were under the threat of death from Kakahili, Ayatollah Khomeini's killing judge.

how can one man be so based?

>According to the show, Seagal graduated from a police academy in Los Angeles
>However, POST officials in California and Louisiana have no record of Seagal being certified, and Seagal's rank in Louisiana is ceremonial

I have a feeling he's full of shit.

All of it

Steven is 'that kid'.

Say that to his face and see whut happens

pic related: its you

Over the years, Steven has claimed that he:

- Helped train CIA operatives and did "special favors" for them (his ex wife says, "Not at all. He was never in the CIA.")

- Is of Italian descent (he's actually half-Jewish, half-Irish)

- Fought the Yakuza (lol) with assistance from the American mob (lol)

- Is called in to help authenticate antique swords by auction houses as he is one of the world's "foremost experts on swords" (again, lol)

- Was a student of the founder of Akido, Morihei Ueshiba (who died in 1968, meaning Steven would have had to have been a teenager living alone in Japan for that to have happened)

- Speaks four languages fluently (I'm unable to find any evidence of him speaking anything other than English made entirely of lies)

>dat one OP out there i told you about

youtube.com/watch?v=2b5bG8Rcpxo

a bit rude

Dont forget that he was discovered by black blues musicians in 50's Detroit and he played in all black band.

>Trump didn't choose based Steven as vice president

Why live

I have no fucking idea

Seagal 2020?

B
A
S
E
D

Seagal is too busy to be a vice president.

He's busy protecting USA's freedoms as lawman in Arizona and training armed posse groups. He's also very busy being a world renowned blues musician and unofficial diplomat of peace to Russia and Eastern Europe (Ukraine not included)

don't forget that he trains UFC fighters

youtube.com/watch?v=y_TRdFSKGFU

this one's actually good

>tfw afraid of both life and death

delete

Is he wrong?

maybe
i just cant take anything he says seriously
it just sounds so pretentious coming from him
heard about time when he was so moved by his own script that he started crying?

Oh so that's what he said?

>Unless there's an elevator, I ain't going upstayz
Steven Seagal 2015

He's not, the only wrong thing is that he claims he's all of those things

>That tale of him weeping because he read his own script, so moving

That's actually good, if rather cliche.

Who is she?

>- Speaks four languages fluently (I'm unable to find any evidence of him speaking anything other than English made entirely of lies)
Surely he speaks Japanese? I mean the other two can be doubted, but how could he have got by without picking up Japanese?

Really haha? Which film hit him the hardest?

The sound of one hand clapping.

When Louis Thorax met Steven Seagal would be great 2bh

STOP THE CAR

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post all operator webms please

punani

...

...

...

...

...

>beaten by Seagal and the Bustah

Life is suffering

...

...

...

...

Where did he cutted him?

...

I like to think all these things are true. That biopic is gonna be fucking baller.

I love how he just walks through his movies while the younger, thinner actors do all the stunts.

...

...

...

I love how confused he looks when he shoots the first guy.

...

...

this gives me hope on being a fat special forces guy.

What do the big/mainstream publications think of Steven? Obviously they'll say the films are shit, but are they well aware of how he really is?

...

Is this for real?

Should he be acting here

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why there was no flash on 3rd shot

Are these supposed to be mocking him? His firearm handling is actually pretty good. You are supposed to switch positions in order leave a smaller target depending on which side you are going on. I only target shoot, but the county swat team practices at a range I shoot at and they do this. Also I, and every other decent paintball player I know, can shoot ambidextrously. If you are shooting right handed you can't peak out the left side and shoot without presenting a huge target.

...

>dat hairline tho

He does speak Japanese really well:
youtube.com/watch?v=hrDnZubrLYw

...

...

hairline so sharp it could kill

It's funny how he fingerfucks his guns in scenes to make up for the fact that he can't really act.

He also can't move with any sort of intensity in scenes were he's supposed to be in a firefight. He looks like a fat airsofter.

...

...

Does he have autism?

...

He probably actually does.

...

so is it true he's a pedo

Yeah, I can't disagree with any of that.

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...

sigh

...

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>Think I dropped something. See anything on the street down there?
>Looks like he got the hiccups. Somebody get that guy a glass of water.

>tfw you have two killer quotes but can't decide which to use, so you use them both

>2 watches

no, hes just Cred Forums

>Holding your gun like a bazooka
Also enjoy your hot discharging cartridges

The only explanation.

>what having a waifu is like

>Framed painting of Seagal's album cover

>just imagine being the girl and having to be all like ''Damn, Segal still got it" while you do your best to be seductive

i hope the kid caught shrapnel

holy kek

youtube.com/watch?v=DgYlKtLq9FE

First who can accurately translate 0:24 wins a motherfucker birthday

in straight 2 dvd movies?

STEVEN WILL YOU PLEASE STOP THE CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR?

He could be a basic pathological liar.

Christ, even the Wikipedia article about him is full of stuff that just seems weird without any citations. I'm convinced he wrote that himself.

Is he on a roomba?

>When another man penetrates your punani
>And you sitting RIGHT NEXT TO HER

no, a skateboard :^)

>So deep into contemplating the Buddha nature that it takes him twelve hours to cross a foot bridge

Damn...

>hire the only asian man who can't handel a sword
WEW

>"This mutha ain't white"

He IS a pathological liar. He also has delusions of grandeur.

E A Z Y
A
Z
Y

kino

what a madman

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...

Wow that's really racist.

At least he has a sense of humour.

this is gold jerry, G O L D

Cameras will very often miss the flash because of the frame rate. These days they almost always add CGI muzzle flash because if you film a guy shooting a gun you won't actually get that many flashes on video.

...

based

>*boop*

Is Seagal a kinographer?

"take out the next island gonzo"
what was meant by this?

Yes.

-Do you have a pet? What's it's name?"
-I have horses and I have dogs

...

this is probably the only time he does the switch smoothly

Why doesnt Seagal use sights?

HEY BEACH

He looks so fucking bored.

How can white boi Seagal even compete?

he has reticle on his glasses

Jesus Christ my sides

but he's not wearing the glasses

Reminds me of Hulk Hogan claiming he turned down the chance to join Metallica.

thats what he wants you to think

...

>when the cover is so retarded either way that you have trouble noticing that it's an edit

aya yakuza?

As a fan of Seagal posting I've seen this edit evolve overtime
First the glasses, the kantana's
it now also has the gun firing into the ground
his eyes also seem to go further apart each time lel

Sweet mother of kek is he gliding

Tacticool tiptoeing. Maximum stealth capacity.

Do Americans make their walls out of cardboard or is Steven superhuman?

(the best)

If someone could edit this into the 'top 10 anime battles' meme thing I will legit send you 5 dollars on PayPal

youtube.com/watch?v=cfNW1ERej0A

Keep it like a webm though, just add the youtube layer around it.

Both

youtube.com/watch?v=-b88Sf_eCgE

I would say the same thing, just to be polite. Let me tell you something that might be a bit dangerous. I was raised in Langley. I was schooled in martial arts. I was given the title of CIA. They take a mission “Grab Doctor Pavel”. They have a guy, whether he was straight or gay, I don’t know. I don’t care. He had never been to Langley. He doesn’t speak to big guys. He has never shot a man before throwing him out of a plane. They make him CIA. We got 450,000 phone calls [laughs] from everybody in the world saying, “That assignment was perfect for you. How did that happen?” Most of the people I know didn’t like the power stance and didn’t go see it. It’s just a classic example of filing a flight plan and calling it in.

What's the original source? I remember him saying cripplingly delusional

...

literally the only steps he took that whole movie

>operating the guitar with 2 (two) watches

sensei Seagal truly is the master

>Let me tell you something that might be a bit dangerous. I was raised in Arizona. I was trained as Reserve Sheriff. I was given the title of Deputy Chief. They take a movie "Sicario". They have a little girl, whether she was British or American, I don’t know. I don’t care. She had never been to south. She doesn’t speak Soutern American. She has never fought against drug cartels. They make her the Sicario?. I got a phone call [laughs] from Joe Arpaio saying, “That role was perfect for you. How did that happen?” My friend Putin said he didn’t like the movie and didn’t go see it. It’s just a classic example of Hollywood and politics.

why the fuck is he always wearing two watches?

Is one showing the time in Japan or some stupid shit?

me on the right

>, and
>, and

Stop.

What's the version with the bonus track featuring 'Dey Tookér'?

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Jason Blaha collab fucking when

but i dont have paypal account

gomen nasai
this is the power of free software and lack of skill and time :(

God bless.

thats his southern accent pleb

youtu.be/cfNW1ERej0A

What did he mean? What was he trying to say? Why didn't they edit it?

I like his cabelas hunting camo pattern outfit+circa 1991 standard US army camo cap

#rekt

Hillarys done

a fucking weeb

...

>3

What's with the underage girl? Did Seagal screw her in this movie?

Damn, Adam Jensen really let go of himself.

So is Steven just a "that kid" who never grew out of his "my dad owns a bazooka" mindset?

p u n a n i

What xbox 360 game is this?

>just so you know, I have 300 confirmed kills

How else would he synchronise his watches?

no he is the dad that owns a bazooka

He's so fucking delusional it's hilarious.

>tfw no fear of death but fear of life

>If you are shooting right handed you can't peak out the left side and shoot without presenting a huge target.
except he doesn't even peek, he just switches the hand and simply keeps going.

Damn, what is his problem with jamaicans?

What did he mean by this?

youtube.com/watch?v=USUbB-kg6P4

Have any of you ever listened to his music? It's great. It's like it was written by a machine designed to imitate Eric Clapton's most generic pop songs.

I've listened to this one

youtube.com/watch?v=3v4-zYghodc

I literally smell shit from that quote

You're doing God's work, user.

i do it for free

Don't hear any Clapton in this song desu but Clapton's span is very wide from the terrible vid related to absolute masterpieces. I still doubt Sensei Seagal made a (non-generic) song better than it.

youtube.com/watch?v=BMje-hzRyH8

Holy shit, what's the movie called?

BLART

he walks like a very fast penguin

D R O P P E D
R
O
P
P
E
D

you're late

>3 bullets in the air at the same time
>only a couple of inches apart
Even a child would know this is impossible unless the weapon shoots 100000 bullets per second.

That Aikido is a great way to defend against assailants who slowly come up to poke your bellybutton.

It's Payne! Whack him!

>Steven Seagal flying through the air, ready to snatch your birthday and punani

Funny as hell, it was the most horrible thing i could think of.

The looping makes it seem like she gets shot and then turns around and gives an annoyed look to the shooter.

THE FLESH OF FALLEN ANGELS

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>slide

IS THIS REFN

take out the something-something cartel

Reminder that Seagal actually is a true operator.

youtube.com/watch?v=Gn4d-UqPVN4

Can any weebshits confirm this is good nipspeak?

Judaism is carried by the mother. His dad must have been a wake as fuck jew to marry a goy.

youtube.com/watch?v=9GfRkg3pLeg

Alright, I want some answers. What are these works of art from?

>Well, if a guy soils himself, you can’t criticize him, because if they just had a nice big dinner an hour before, you might have a tendency to do that.