Hey guys. I need some dirty jokes. Help a dude out. Thanks

Hey guys. I need some dirty jokes. Help a dude out. Thanks.

Attached: FB_IMG_1567665590934.jpg (720x405, 35K)

why did the chicken cross the road? to take a shower on the other side

What's brown and sticky?
A stick

“Why don’t you want to date French Horn players?”

“Because every time you kiss them, they stick their hand up your ass.”

Do racist jokes count?

Jack tells his doctor that he can no longer sustain an erection.

After a complete examination, the doctor tells Jack, "The problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment. We would take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

The thought of going through life without ever having sex again was too much for Jack, so he agreed to try the treatment.

A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to try out his new equipment.

He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

During dinner he felt a pain building in his groin. To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprang grom his fly, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

"I can try..." groaned Jack. "But I don't think my ass can take another roll."

Three dogs are at a vet. The first one says "Well, I just bit my twelfth child so my master brought me here to put me down."

The second one says "Yeah, I know what you mean. I killed nine of the neighbors' cats so now I'm being put down by my master, too."

The third one says "Get this. My master's this really hot blonde chick who walks around naked all day. One day I couldn't take it anymore so I mounted her and just couldn't stop humping!" The other two dogs look at each other and say "So you're here to be put down as well?"

The third dog says "No, I'm here to be declawed."

Attached: Lol_look_at_that_doggy.jpg (674x488, 109K)

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices a rather dashy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled "hello" to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him and -- although familiar -- he can't place where he might know her from. So he says: "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies: "I think you're the father of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Holy shit," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher!"

watch that then

Attached: Capt. Piccard.jpg (590x450, 139K)

>Woman goes to sex shop, sees an old dildo in a case, asks the clerk what it is
>He says "It's a voodoo sex toy. You just say 'magic dildo my vagina' and it'll give you the best experience of your life"
>She's skeptical, but she buys it and takes it home.
>She says "Magic dildo my vagina" and lifts up into the air and starts going to town on her all by itself
>She makes sounds no man has ever made her make before, she uses it for the rest of the day
>Husband comes home, find wife's clothes strewn around house, wife is on bed naked with guilty look in her eye
>He says "Have you been cheating on me?!"
>She says "No, honey, I bought a magic dildo that gave me the best sex of my life!"
>He says, "Pfft, magic dildo my ass!"

bruh its shit nigga

What do you call a black woman who's had 17 abortions?
A crime fighter

What do you call a bunch of black people hanging in a barn?
Antique farm equipment

How do you blind an Asian?
Give them a steering wheel.

What do you call Mike Tyson with no arms?


>what do tires and niggers have in common?
"They're both black, stinky, and work better with chains on

wat do you get when you cross a nigger & a gay eskimo?
>a snowblower that doesn't work

Attached: sid.haig.w.caroline.williams.dickshark.jpg (800x800, 105K)

A white horse fell in the mud.

Do you even know who Mike Tyson is? He's still got teeth, you idiot.

While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e. 4 km/h over the limit), I passed over a bridge only to find cop with a radar gun on the other side Laying in wait. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."

why did the dead baby cross the road

>it was stapled to the chicken

Attached: stephenking.jpg (500x411, 25K)

how do you recondition an old whore?

>put a ham in her & pull out the bone

This is one I heard a while ago

So an American, a Chinese, and an Iraqi get sent to hell after dying. Satan allows the three of them to call their families from hell on a pay phone. The American pays $100,000 to call his family. The Chinese pays $10,000 to call his family. The Iraqi calls his family for free. When the Chinese and the American go to complain to Satan about the Iraqi calling for free when they had to pay, Satan says “Well, a call from hell to hell is local”.