I need someone to talk to and I don’t have the audacity to reach for help

Exercise until you're too tired to think or care about it. It really does work. I've had a hard time dealing with anxiety my entire life and the worst thing for me is sitting inside all day and letting that "anxious energy" build up inside me. You need to release those pent up emotions and then you can think clearly about what you need to do to fix your life

i became dead inside

Exercising is a drug.

basically it's a kink for people who hate themselves and want to feel pain to grow.

>release those pent up emotions and then you can think clearly about what you need to do to fix your life
Let me fucking clarify before someone misinterprets what I'm saying like a fucking idiot. You can think clearly once you get out the emotions clouding your judgement. I said before exercise until you're too tired to think or care about it; it being your fucking depression, not too tired to think about anything.

>basically it's a kink for people who hate themselves and want to feel pain to grow

kek

I work out quite a lot, I’m an athlete. I struggle at talking with people freely. I’m so fucking scared they will judge me or not understand my problems. Sometimes I get paranoid and think that if I tell someone how I feel they will use it against me eventually.
I dumped my gf a few months ago and I didn’t even give her a decent explanation but truth is I felt lonelier than ever when she was around because she didn’t care about me at all. Now i’m alone, I rarely talk with my family and all my friends moved from my town. Sorry if I’m bothering any of you anons, I know I’m sounding weak but I really need to vent. Anxiety and fear are troublesome travelmates.

>i want help
>but i dont want help
figure out what it is you want in the first place

You aren't bothering anybody user. I know exactly how you feel. I give shitty advice so maybe another user can give you better advice. The way I deal with it is to just get used to being lonely and talk to people online, or call your mom and talk to her once in a while. You can either deal with being lonely, or do things that make you uncomfortable until you get used to it (CBT). I'm a bit of a psycho that doesn't get bothered much by emotions, but I do get lonely. I usually just entertain myself with thoughts that I say out loud like I'm talking to someone

Wanna try real loneliness?

I've been married coming up on 16 years. My wife and I have sex, on average, once every 1.5 months. I've gone out and gotten strange before, and been caught, and she's stayed. Now, though, she's pushing it. I know she's not cheating because she never leaves the couch. She's inattentive to our son. She's inattentive to me.

However, If I were to initiate divorce, not only would I lose my son, I'd lose my house, my truck, and everything I've worked my ass off for, because the family court system sucks.

I have two choices.

Lose everything and quite possibly become homeless because I can't afford a divorce, or continue a sad fucking life of depression and self-loathing.

Organisation set up for people who need someone to talk to. There's a free phone line, it might be UK only, but there's also an email service.

Samaritans dot org

well if that's the case, start playing mind games with your wife

Abuse substances until I don't think about it anymore and when I can't do that I think about what a stupid worthless fuck I am. Hope that helps user.

She's immune at this point. She's been dealing with my PTSD since I got back from my first deployment in 2006, and has adapted to all the games I can play. I'm literally stuck.

Shit, I even still love her, and aside from the absolute lack of sex, she acts like she still loves me. But, as a relatively healthy 40 year old male, no sex is starting to really fucking kill my self-worth.

I was in a similar situation with my gf of 6 years. We had sex on average once a month, sometimes twice if I was lucky enough. Thus I see your point. Human connections are the of utmost importance and some people do not see the value of it. Maybe your situation is not so desperate, maybe you could talk it out. Maybe she could make you feel loved after it. But you’re blocked by fear.

Thanks man, I appreciate your thoughts. I reach out to my mama every once in a while but she thinks I’m doing fine. I keep lying to her. I don’t know why I do this, I don’t want to make her worry about me idk

m.youtube.com/watch?v=BNANWs2KLj4

Sucking it up and finding a therapist is the way to go.

I kill myself.

She loves you and wants you to feel better user. Tell her how you feel and you will feel so much better, trust me. Good luck man

>and care for you
this is a lie, dont fall for it

don't go to a therapist, its a waste of time and money

Bullshit. That is like saying don't breath air, just because you go huffing on Jenkem doesn't mean all air is that bad.

user, see a professional, a decent one. Get that shit off your chest, no one really wants to hear you moan, so pay a professional.