Post a joke that you think is funny but nobody else has ever laughed at
>timber company is short on lumberjacks
>put up a sign that says "Tree Fellers Wanted"
>next day, Sean, Kieran, and Patrick wander into the foreman's office
>foreman asks "Do you have any logging experience?
>they all say no
>"Then why are you here?"
>"The soign said ye was lookin fer tree fellers"
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Thats funny.
>A chinaman walks into a bar and walks up to the black bartender and says, "get me a jigger nigger"
>The black man is appauled at the chinesemans insensisivity to modern day problems
>The black man then proceeds to tell the chinaman why the words he said are offensive and how he would feel hurts if he was in his position
>the black man propses that they switch places
>the chinaman agrees and the black man walks in and says, "get me a drink chink" to which the chinese man says, "sorry we we dont serve niggers"
Ha good one
kek
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
Fucking hilarious
>A chink, a nigger and a spic get hired to build a log cabin.
>The boss arrives and says "OK chink go get some supplies. nigger go get some food. spic go get some water.
>The nigger and the spic return with food and water.
>One hour passes and the boss says "Where is the chink?"
>Chink jumps out from behind a tree and shouts "SUPPLIES"
My dick may not be 12 inches, but it smells like a foot.
Bump
This is what old/b/ felt like.
Keep it going boys.
>So a baby seal walks into a club...
>what did the elephant say to the naked man?
>(in russian accent) I'M GOING TO RAPE YOU
KEK
Sometimes i put my head between my knees and lean forward, because that's just how I roll.
>"wow, that was easier than I thought," the eskimo said.
Good one
>At a keg party
>Talking with some girl
>Mention I'm a history buff
>She says "Well, I watch a lot of Drunk History"
>Say "Hey, let me have a few more beers and you can watch it live!"
Told a good number of people about this, no one even smirked.
>Alright so two men who live in an insane asylum decide that they want out and escape
>They somehow get on top of the roof and see other buildings which are scalable
>it dark in the moonlight but one of them has a flashlight and turns it on
>the guy with the light can see that one building isn't to far from the building they're standing on
>he jumps across with ease no problem
>the other man however is terrified of heights and won't budge an inch because he's scared
>the man with the flashlight says," I'll just shine the light across so you can just walk on light like a bridge, trust me we've made it this far together
>the scared man looks at him in disbelief and says," What do you think I'm crazy or something? You'd just turn it off when I'm halfway across"
Not bad, I chuckled.
Heard this from my dad once, pretty good for a dad joke.
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender responds, "No" so the duck walks out. The duck does this for a couple of days. When duck walks back in and asks the question the bartender responds, "if you ask me that question again, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves but comes back again and walks up to the bartender. The duck ask, "Do you got any nails?" The bartender says, "No" then the duck asks, "Do you have any grapes?"
Niggers rights
KEK
What do you call a queen who golfs?
The queen of clubs.
why did the chicken cross the road?
it was purely on impulse
How is a man's penis similar to a Rubik's Cube?
The more you fiddle with it, the harder it gets.
A teacher is standing up in front of her class. "Can anyone tell me what product we get from fluffy little chickens?"
A girl raises her hand. "Eggs!" She replies.
"That's right!" The teacher answers. "Now, can anyone tell us what oinky little piggies give us?"
A little boy raises his hand. "Bacon!"
"That's right!" The teacher exclaims. "Now, can anyone tell me what big, fat cows give us?"
A boy in the back of the class yells out, "Homework!"
This one is a two-hit combo. After the first shitty joke has died down, you tell the second one.
>Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the retard's house
>Knock knock
>It's the chicken
A teacher wants to give her class a lesson on self esteem. "If anyone here believes that they're stupid, fee free to stand up." She tells her class. After a few seconds, a little boy stands up. "Now, tell me, young man, why do you feel like you're stupid?"
The little boy replies, "Well, I don't but I just felt bad that you were the only one standing up."
Based
That movie had its moments but it wasn’t very good overall
I'm into scuba diving and I've seen plenty of things underwater but there was this one time when a friend and I came across a sunken ship that was vibrating on the sea floor. When we were back topside, I asked my friend what he thought was causing it.
"Don't you know?" He asked. "It's a nervous wreck."
Actual true story inbound
>be me
>17 at the time
>beta loser who can't get laid for the life of him
>pathological fear of girls since middle school, when some bitch mind fucked me
>have a younger sister, 16 at this time
>my sister is boy crazy, really wants to date someone
>announces that she's "seeing someone"
>father and I start discussing plans on how to shoot the bastard.
>few days later, brings the dude home
>tall, scrawny kid with brown hair and glasses
>visibly nervous
>my father and I sit down and tell him that he's "walked into the courtroom"
>discuss for a few minutes
>they go out
>dad tells me "it isn't going to last"
>sis comes home
>announces it was "fun"
>around a week later, my sister tells me that her bf previously dated a college girl
>she's worried that he secretly wants this college girl back
>about a week later, overhear a conversation between my sister and my mother
>"We're not a thing anymore"
>tryingtoholdbacklaughter.jpg
>tell my father this
>laughs uncontrollably
>mfw my dad predicted exactly how his daughter's first relationship would go down
Welcome to depression. It never leaves. It's a cloud that sticks around, just sometimes it isnt as dark as the day before. Just keep going. It's all we can do.
Kys
A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful stallion tied up at the far end. As he sits down to order a drink, he asks the bartender what's up with the horse.
"We're having a contest." The bartender explains. "If you can make the horse laugh, you win free drinks for the night. I gotta warn you though, that horse is a tough nut. People have been throwing their best jokes at him all week and not even a smile."
So the man walks over and whispers something into the horse's ear. Immediately, the horse starts whinnying and clopping his hooves on the floor. The man walks back and claims his free drinks.
About a week later, the same guy walks into the same bar. "Is that deal with the horse still on?" He asks.
"Nah, thanks to you we had to change up the challenge. Now you've gotta make him cry.' The barkeep replies.
So the guy walks over and he greets the horse with "Hey, remember me?" to which the horse starts whinnying and clopping his hooves. The guy performs a gesture that the bartender doesn't quite see. The horse immediately stops prancing and breaks down in tears.
"Okay, buddy." The bartender says as he pours the first drink. "I gotta know."
"Well," the guy explains, "To make him laugh, I just told him that I have a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry, I proved it."
Good one
That’s good
What movie is this from? I remember it being told to me at the boys and girls club in like 2009
Trump as president
The killing joke
An Irishman walks into a pub and orders three pints straight away. The bartender asks if maybe he'd prefer to start with one since he's alone. "Oh no!" The man exclaims. "You see, I have two brothers and when we're apart, we've agreed to order drinks for each other as if we're still drinking together!" The bartender shrugs off this logic and pours the pints. The man carries them to a table and downs all three in quick succession.
For many years, this man keeps coming to the pub and every time, he orders the same three pints and drinks them all together until one day, he only orders two pints. The whole pub falls silent. "My condolences for your loss." The bartender says in a somber tone as he serves the beer.
"My loss?" The man asks, confused.
"Well, you're only ordering two pints so we just assumed that you've lost one of your brothers." The barkeep explained.
"Oh no!!" The man burst out laughing as he carried the two pints to a table. "My brothers are fine and healthy!! I've just quit drinking!!"
This shit always makes me laugh
>What's green and has wheels?
>Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Actually the Inuit usually just shoot em. Easier, more humane.
A lady phones her local dairy and asks if she can order enough milk to take a milk bath. "Well, sure!" The man replies "Would you like the milk Pasteurized?"
The lady thinks for a second and says, "No, just up to my tits will be fine."
What do you call a Scotsman carrying a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
What do you call a Scotsman carrying a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
Bi-sexual.
The starship enterprise is in orbit above a recently discovered class M planet. Captain Kirk says, “There have been reports of attacks on starfleet personnel on the surface, so we are sending an away team to investigate. The team will consist of myself, Spock, Scotty, and 3rd battalion, 5th Marines.”
I was talking to my buddy about NASCAR when he told me it was trash and that i should watch Formula 1 instead. What a Raceist
So three guys are on an expedition in the amazon but they get captured by cannibals. The cannibal chieftain says they will be killed and eaten, but if they complete a set of challenges they will be allowed to leave. The first challenge is for each man to go into the jungle and return with 10 of the same type of fruit. The men set off.
The first guy to return is holding 10 apples. The chieftain explains the second challenge to him. He is to insert every apple into his asshole without moving a muscle on his face. The first apple goes in with little trouble, however on the second apple the guy winces in pain. He is killed and eaten.
After a while the second guy comes out of the woods. He is holding 10 blueberries. He is told about the second challenge and sighs in relief. The blueberries go in effortlessly, however on the 10th blueberrie the man burst out laughing like a maniac, and he too is killed and eaten.
When the second guy meets up with the first in heaven, the first guy has to ask. Why did you do that, you could have gotten out easily? The second guy replies: I know, but on the tenth blueberries I saw the third guy come out of the woods holding 10 pineapples
>a half black, half jewish boy asked his mother "mommy, am I more black or more jewish?"
>mother asks why he wants to know this
>"some kid down the street is selling his bike for 50 dollars, and I want to know if I should talk it down to 40 or just steal it!"
That's a good one, I haven't heard it in years!
Bump, this thread is gold
God damnit.
