So as my favourite comedown movie(trainspotting) is playing in the background im sitting here and contemplating stuff. Is this the destiny of a junkie? Ive got 9days to my court hearing, i tried to live a clean life and ended up in a year of alcoholism, im lonley and i push my friends away if they try to involve me into anything, the only thing im shore if is death thats why i want to get a bike, rev it up to redline and try to kiss a semi.
And yeah ive got it all a job, i go to uni, my parents fucking love this miserable shitsmear, and yet all i want is my final rest, i want to go to sleep today and not wake up(and i know its not the comedown this feeling was with me for the past couple of years)
So, what the fuck should i do, my job is a dead end one and im barely making ends meet, due to my ex i have very few friends left, im 25 and still living with my parents...
The only good thing, since i feel like drugs, do to the years of abuse, aint doing shit, i have is going to the gym and even that if i drink and smoke is shite since i can barely run 10minutes.
Idk sat what you want to but i just need someone to listen to my sob story.
Ive got the gym(3-4 days a week for 2hours) competitive shooters, i read books and will get a pneumatic rifle(eu guy here with a criminal record no fucking way in hell am i getting a firearm) next month.
I still feel a profound emptyness to my existance, after the pigs round me up, in my existance. You pay a great toll for abusing stims, but your not notified of it when you start
Oh, i totally forgot, the job i was going to uni for, for 4 fucking years, that shit is locked now hell you cant be a govt suit if you have a criminal record
I don’t know how it works in your country but I have a friendo that would be you if you were in the US. His drug record started in high school and continued through uni. His parents had his record expunged and now has a great job using his degree. He too is 25
>get a bike, rev it up to redline and try to kiss a semi. also we have all felt this way but coming from someone that came close, I’m glad it didn’t happen because things got better, so much so that now I’m kinda wanting to see how this craziness plays out.
When i dinish up my probation(in 4 years) the felony will be null and id have a shot at getting my position, but 4 fucking years, ive spent 4years already on this shit...
Just jump into a volcano dude
You got a family and such? Idk i know that a bike is the only way i can have some control over my life, play by my rules.
But eh if you were close, mind telling your tail, or is it too peraonal?
Eastern europe, we dont even have mountains here let alone a volcano
Dont do it, for the sake of your parents. Just chug through, keep your mind occupied.
Just walk to Africa and hop in a volcano. God damn
I qork railroad, bitch, i can let 3000v and 500 amps thrue me, i feel like this shit can kill me faster and more spectacularly than any volcano can. Btw im too fucking poor to get out of this country
2 years, 2 years and a stack of antidepressants and hundreds of liters of alcohol behind me, and i dont see much of a point to it all, nothing in my life will come close to doing insane amounts of cathinones, pyrovalerones and other stims, even if i see my firstborn ill know that ive felt better.
Sorry for being such a downer im just really fucking sad rn
>mind telling your tail, or is it too peraonal? Yeah, I have family but some of them don’t like me and I’ve learned that it’s cool. They don’t have to like me. I don’t push myself on anyone and I just do my thing. The suicide wasn’t actually something I attempted but more that I just didn’t give one shit if it killed me. About 10 years ago (due to someone I cared about and that did something I’d have never believed would happen ... happened) to deal with that pain, I purchased 650 Vicodin 10/325 every month for close to two years. I was taking 18 everyday so 3 of them every couple of hours.
Hey, a bit of an add shit, i just miss human contact, my fucking job is walking alone in the wind and snow to fix stuff other than that i sit on Cred Forums and read books. My friend flaked on me today, cause hes got a gf and shit, now im just here, feeling like noone gives a single fuck about me. And if he calls me for a boardgame all i do is say im busy/sick/dead .
I never asked to be alive, fuck it.
Sorry guys for having to sit thrue my shit
My inner pain was so bad that i decided to go for,a less harsh drug, phenibut. It gave me a couple of months(whyle i broke up with my gf and went thrue pre court shit) of feeling like my life is worth living.
But now it doesent work for shit and other than upsetting my parents and best friends i dont feel like theres anything to hold on to.
I thougth i can take a person and make her better but now im left with a shreaded soul.
I have a question: is family it? Like did it make you think that you should start caring about your wellbeing and you have a purpose?
I always had a standpoint on kids that i never asked to be dragged into this shit of a existance, and i dont want to put another soul thrue this shit
It's ok man. Sometimes I just want to jump into a volcano but I don't do it. Things will get better if you just wait
>is family it? Like did it make you think that you should start caring about your wellbeing and you have a purpose? It was a big part of it. Two years of f not caring if I lived or died I realized that there was certain family that did care and if I took me out, I realized how much it would hurt them so knowing 650 of these things were unsustainable and that my dealer only cared about sales, I knew one day he would leave me high and dry if you will. I decided to start weaning myself off by beginning to take 1 less per day. I slowly tapered off to where I was taking one a day and guess what? That fucker did indeed left me high and dry but it worked well. If you’re going to take addictive drugs, have a game plan for the inevitable.
>that i never asked to be dragged into this shit of a existance I’ve said this forever but it has s what it is. Quite possibly why I am fascinated with Buddhism
Hey go make a snow man and be happy. Your family loves you and you should live for them
Well im tapering off, and this shit aint no speed so my family doesent have to see me wrecked, any more. But still its bard idk, i think im juat drunk at this point, but thank you for sitting here and helping me gather up my snot, its not often you see a person on Cred Forums who has compassion and shit. Thank you