'Straya Stories

> Be me
> Be living in ‘Straya since I was newfag
> Be going on trip to ‘Murica to see ‘Murican friends
> Getting off giant flying metal emu, where a ‘Murican approaches me
> He’s not as fat as I imagined
> “Hello sir, may I see your passport?”
> I don’t understand his language, but try to communicate as best I can.
> “Here ya go mate, me passport.”
> ‘Murican seems surprised at my crocodile skin passport
> Whoops.ppt
> I actually gave him a real crocodile instead of my crocodile skin passport
> That explains why my suitcase was so heavy and was growling and snapping at me
> “Sorry mate, I mistook her for me passport. It’s only a sheila anyway.”
> Suddenly security guards appear
> Uhoh.gif
> I’m surprised that they don’t look like Paul Blart
> ‘Mericans take me to minimum security prison
> It’s filled to the brim with Mexicans
> One Mexican comes up to me
> “Hola! Mi nombre es Rico!”
> “Sorry mate, I don’t speak Mexican.”
> After about an hour, my ‘Murican friends come to collect me.
> “Bout f*ckin’ time, mate.”
> I shake hands with one of them, and a pained expression appears on his face
> After letting go, ‘Murican cradles hand
> Take brightly coloured metal kangaroo back to friends’ house
> Back at friends home when one of them screams
> “AHHH! user! IT’S A SPIDER!!”
> Spider about the size of my thumb in corner of room
> “Ya bloody pussies! In ‘Straya they can engulf kangaroos!”
> Bend down, and with pinkie and ring finger, snap the spider’s neck
> Proceed with the ‘Strayin tradition of skinning the spider
> Friends looked shocked as I turn the tiny spider pelt into a bow tie
> Such is life of a ‘Strayin in ‘Murica

Part 2?

Other urls found in this thread:

csiro.au/en/Research/D61/Areas/Wireless-and-networks/Wireless-broadband/WiFi
youtu.be/q1H-NHZgaG4
twitter.com/NSFWRedditImage

no
consider suicide

Do it cunt!

>Be me, ‘Strayin
> Inviting ‘Murican mates over to ‘Straya
> Arrive at giant flying metal emu nest just as my mates arrive
>They seem confused
>”user, we’re in the middle of the desert! How can we get out?”
>I whistle
>Kangaroo appears out of nowhere
>”Hop in, mates. He won’t bite.”
>’Muricans reluctantly hop into kangaroo’s pouch
>It’s a bit of a tight fit, but the kangaroo doesn’t seem bothered
>”To my house!” I yell to the kangaroo
>Halfway there, when a spidah comes out of nowhere
>One of my mates faints
>The other one screams
>”’Scuse me mates.” I say
>Pull out giant boomerang
>Neatly slices spidah in half, Mortal Combat style
>About to skin it and turn it into a rug when some Aboriginals come by
>”Oi, that spoider’s eours! We saw it foirst!”
>Christ, not this again
>”Look mates, this spidah is terra nullius. And I’m claiming it right now.”
>Suddenly one Aboriginal hits me in the back of the head with a didgeridoo
>Not enough to knock me out, but enough to daze me as they run off with the spidah pelt
>God dammit
Cont:

Nigger my basement is filled with spiders. Bring your bogan ass down here and kill em or whatever it is you do with em.

Cont:
>Suddenly realise that I’m a bit lost
>I’m also very thirsty
>I see one of my ‘Murican friends has overheated to death
>Bloody New Yorkers
>I see a bottle of water in front of me
>notamirage.kek
>Just as I’m about to taste its watery goodness, I hear a motorbike
>I open my eyes as a leather-wearing kangaroo swipes the bottle from my hands on his motorbike
>Everyone in ‘Straya is a criminal/convict
>I hear a load more motorbikes
>Ah piss, it’s the Rippin’ Roos, ‘Straya’s first all-kangaroo motorcycle gang
>Kick a roo off his bike, grab his shotgun
Nah, just kiddin’, we don’t have guns in ‘Straya
>*Kick a roo off his bike, grab his metal boomerang
>Throw boomerang in arc
>Decapitates seven kangaroos before coming back to me
>I duck
>Oh crap, it’s the Aborigididge police coming to arrest me in their ute
>”Oi mate! That kengeroo is seecred to our clen.”
>”Screw you, mate.”
>”Oh yeeh? Well screw yeh too, yeh cunt”
>”You’re the cunts, ya cunts”
>“Yeeh well fuk you, yeh cunting cunt”
>This continues for another half hour
>Suddenly realised I left me mate behind
>Such is life in ‘Straya

>Be "Strayan
>Dingo be eatan muh baybe
>Having to fight roving gangs for gazoline
>Get out my trustee curvy type throwing stick and giver her a toss. Muh throwin' stick stunt boomerangs on me!
>Break my neighbors digerdoo. Have to pay him 900 dollary doos.
>Try to make myself feel better with a delicious dinner from Outback Steakhouse (tm).
>Go home and watch Crocodile Dundee films

True story mates. All of it.

Bump for justice and the Rippin Roos.

fuck off chang

>be me
>Living in 51st state of america
>Ausfag millennials weak as piss
> LEL DROPBEAR MEME XDDDDD
>aus boring because not even dangerous
>can't own gun
>Surrounded by azn and poo in loo
>noice meme tho

Love you straya.

>Be 'Strayin
>After a long day of Boxin' kangaroos for dominance I come home and start shitpostin' on Cred Forums
>Suddenly my internet stops working
>I use a koala running in a big hamster wheel to power my internet
>He's dead, died of exhaustion
>have to run in the hamster wheel myself
>Such is the Austrayin dream

>> Uhoh.gif

Fake and gay, no australian has enough bps to load a gif.

Luv ya too, 'murica.

>be me
>be Australian
>out walkbout oneday when i see some dingo fulla on my land and im like
>"WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON ME LAND CUNT"
>he says "nah dingo this is my land"
>and i asked him if hes ever heard of the stolen generation mate
>"naaaah dingo dont know nuffin bout no stolen generator"
such is life in straya

>be me
>living in melb suburbs
>get addicted to meth
>become a functioning meth addict/tradie
>CASH N HAND
>smoke meth all day

>be strayan visting land of americunts
>americunt sheilas keep trying to root me
>eventually give in, despite them being fat and abo-looking cunts
>impregnate entire female population
>kids are all born good lookin white kids
>kids' first words are all "struth" or "fark it's cold here cunt" or "give us a root ya cunt"
>one of my kids becomes US Presidents
>vows to Australianise the planet and galaxy
>does so
>meamwhile I'm sitting on the beach at home having a larf at the stupid yanks
>The end

i think this is everyone below brisbane.

>be australian

Nah, this is weak shit- get lost.

Why is your flag a first aid sign?

You have contributed literally nothing to the world

>>living in melb suburbs
Cunt meant Perth.

Is that all OP?

do you hold your guns like boomerangs too?

This is a 'straya thread!

That's a bad kiwi!

mostly simpsons references, but you missed chazzwozzers

5/10

WHAT ARE YA DOIN ON ME LAND CUNT

Why hasn't the American-Aussie Empire Formed yet?

>be australian

real life australian story coming through, probably belongs on /x/ but yeah check it out this shit is freaky. my dad told me about it last night for the first time ever and i feel like writing it up.

>mum and dad decide that they are going to take me (6) and my brother (4) camping for a while because they have a couple of weeks off work
>load all the stuff into the car and we go set up at a beautiful little spot about an hour away from home on the coast
>get the tent set up and shit and settle in for the night
>that night there is a massive storm that pretty much blows our tent away and we end up leaving at like 6 the next morning because the weather is just so wild
>go home and the storm passes
>mum and dad still want to go camping so they load all the stuff up into the car and we head off again to another spot nearby
>have to take a dirt road which is really windy and shit to get there
>as we are driving along the road this cunt in a white van comes screaming past us and almost runs us off the road
>bit freaked out but we keep going and eventually get to this pretty remote camping spot
>get there pretty late and there is only one other guy there
>hasnt even got a tent, he has just strung up a blue tarp between two trees and is sleeping under it with his backpack
>whatever, mum and dad start to cook dinner before it gets too late
>as they are cooking another guy drives in but as soon as he sees the other guy with the tarp he drives off straight away

1/?

2/?

just to clarify i have no recollection of this happening, mum and dad never told me and my brother about it till recently because it was too fucked up. this story is all just what my dad told me.

>mum and dad make us some dinner and we settle down for the night, just hanging around the campfire
>the other dude is sort of lurking around
>he eventually comes and sits on a post just a tiny bit away from us and is watching us eat
>dad is like righto
>goes and sits next to him and asks him what's going on and if he's hungry
>the dude just shakes his head and doesn't make eye contact with my dad, just stares into our fire from a distance
>mum and dad just ignore the cunt
>we all end up going to bed (all sleeping in the same tent)
>me and my brother and my mum fall asleep
>some time after while were all asleep dad wakes up and hears someone circling the tent
>he can hear the guy pacing around, sometimes circling, then leaving, then coming back

> Be me

> Live in Victoria

Saddest story in this thread :(

3/?

>the guy starts to make really fucked up noises while circling the tent
>sometimes he's just muttering to himself
>other times he sounds like satan, other times he sounds like an angel
>literally doesn't sound like he's a human anymore
>literally sounds like the devil is inside him
>this goes on for pretty much ALL NIGHT while my dad stays awake with a knife in his hand, waiting for something to happen
>dad is literally ready to kill this cunt, LITERALLY ready to kill him if he fucks with us
>eventually, after the longest night of my dad's life, the sun comes up and the guy leaves
>dad opens up the tent and looks around, no one is there
>me and my brother wake up and dad takes us all down to the beach to go fishing
>we go fishing at the beach and don't see this guy at all
>after fishing we come back to the tent and pretty much leave straight away
>we go and camp at another spot just up the road where there are lots of other people, spend about 8 days there or soemthing and try to forget about the night

>Be 'Strayan
>Going walkabout in my locale of Bankstown
>ALLAHU ACKBAR!!!!
>*detonate cultural enrichment vest*
>Made sure me mum gave my typed and signed letter to the pigs and press that gives a detailed explanation of me links to Jihadis and local mosques. I even include relevant hadiths

>Waleed Aly explains I was wrong and that I was suffering from mental illness and it was white oppression that did it
>Stuck up in Heaven with me 72 virgins so can't even explain that I've never even seen a white fella before because I'm from Sydney
>Waleed gets a Logie and a fat chick with pink hair spits on a soldier for making me snackbar and the court appoints her to Chief Diversity Officer of the ABC where she gets paid 300,000 per year to ensure there is enough government funded diversity on our TV screens

>Ah piss, it’s the Rippin’ Roos, ‘Straya’s first all-kangaroo motorcycle gang

M8 are you saying you weren't born here but you're posting a tryhard story overusing slang? gtfo

4/4

>we get home and dad calls his mate who is a cop
>tells him all about what happened
>copper mate says it's likely that it was a murderer who recently escaped from prison
>copper mate calls him about 4 hours later and says to forget that he'd said anything (he probably said too much)
>dad goes back to work
>a bloke dad knows at work comes up to him and says that he'd heard about what happened while they were at this camping spot
>the bloke says his mate went down there earlier in the week to go fishing and had found this guy at the bottom of a cliff curled up in the fetal position
>he'd jumped off a cliff at some time, probably in the night while we were there
>he hadn't immediately died, he jumped off then managed to curl himself up into a ball amongst the rocks before he died

yeah that's pretty much it. dad said that for weeks after he was pretty much traumatised by the whole thing. he said when he looked into this man's eyes he knew that his soul was gone, that there was something missing in him. and when he heard the guy circling the tent chanting it was just pure evil, like the sounds weren't sounds a human could make, it really did sound like the devil was inside of him. the guy had committed a mortal sin and could never live with himself, the devil was inside him and he killed himself

but yeah only just found this out last night, absolutely fucked hey, i got so many shivers down my spine as dad was telling me about it. what a fucking trooper

This is lame

no thanks.

>murrican friend visits me in straya
>pick that cunt up at the local emu field
>walk back to my roo to drive that cunt home
>the fucking daft cunt tries to climb on top of it
Are all Murricans so fucking stupid to think we ride on top of kangaroos? They have pouches for a reason you poofter cunts.

>be me

>live in cuckberra

Nigga please

>be Australian
>go down the shops to get some beer
>see women wearing scarves the wrong way
>everyone has brown skin
>this isn't Australia, where am I?

>be australian
>in west sydney
>go to pub
>pub doesnt exist because sharia law

Thanks Muhammad

underrated

Millennials are weak, and I hate the "yeah, nah, cunt fucked" vernacular they've adopted. It is something someone who has only had second-hand exposure to Australian culture would do as an imitation, which makes sense as these millennials are, culturally, American. They really do act like Australian culture is foreign to them, I guess it is considering how much American media they consume.
WE can own guns here. Everyone I know owns at least a couple of guns. You just need a licence.

...

...

>Rippin' Roos
bye sides

>> I shake hands with one of them, and a pained expression appears on his face
>> After letting go, ‘Murican cradles hand
I see you visited the West Coast
everyone has sissy handshakes

I forgot I will even be from down under.

Just end it now, senpai.

What the fuck did you just say you incomprehendible cunt?

im so sorry.

yeah cause australia is just a fucking bastion of great ideas isn't it?
At least we invented insulin, allowing for Americans (who are part of the greatest country on earth) to get as fat as they do without dying

having fun interacting with all that nothing?

He says post on a device connected to a network wirelessly.

csiro.au/en/Research/D61/Areas/Wireless-and-networks/Wireless-broadband/WiFi

Y-yeah, I love it here. The war memorial and questacon are s-so much fun!
If those get boring I can always... Umm, uhh. Stare at the lake.

>He says post on a device connected to a network wirelessly.
actually it isn't you stupid fucker

>Stare at the lake.

ebin!

...

>“Hola! Mi nombre es Rico!”
triggered

>using a koala to power your internet
Well there's your problem user, koalas are lazy shits and you have to feed them leaves all the time or else they refuse to work. I myself prefer to use numbats, they're quick and highly efficient, plus they're small enough that you can fit three to a wheel. I can get 3 mbps out of these guys and they keep the ant population down

Choice

>claiming spider corpse due to terra nullius

You're right

?

Jesus, hello newfag.
>PROTIP: What's he doing?

playing GTA?

...

?

Really? You're going to make me state the fucking obvious?

if you're offering to give me oral sex I'm gonna have to decline, I have a girlfriend

look at the tear stained cheeks of this child do you think this is ok?

They are all blowing a

FUCKING LEAF
U
C
K
I
N
G

L
E
A
F

>if you're offering to give me oral sex I'm gonna have to decline,
I don't indulge in sex acts with things that are more stupid with me. Cheers m8.

wild animals are res nullius you stoped boong

>terra nullius

Fucking Abos

Fuck you Mabo you greedy nigger

Make the Call
youtu.be/q1H-NHZgaG4

no, justin trudeau is a soros puppet pedophile attention-whoring ivory tower fuckboy who should be tried for genocide, treason, sexual assault against a minor, and being a faggot
>if you're offering to give me oral sex I'm gonna have to decline
Well
>You're going to make me state the fucking obvious?
Yeah, you're gonna have to state the "obvious" because I have no idea what it is you want

>walking home one night
>suddenly i hear them from behind me
>“ooh we got a biggun”
>oh shit
>start to run for shelter
>hear laughter
>hear running coming from somewhere
>hear them chanting
>“AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE, OI OI OI”
>find a trashcan and hide behind it
>can hear a group singing waltzing matilda
>suddenly someone kicks away the trashcan
>there’s like twenty of them
>all wearing sleeveless vests
>australian immigrants
>“GDAY M8”
>i can smell something
>something meaty
>“oh shit”
>i try to run
>they grab me by my collar
>“YA AINT GOING NOWHERE M8”
>one of them approaches me
>he is holding a chicken drumstick in his hand
>“IT’S BARBEQUE TIME, POMBOY”
>they thrust the chicken drumstick towards me
>“EAT IT CUNT”
>they all start chanting “EAT IT, CUNT, EAT IT, CUNT”
>i give in
>eat the BBQ
>they’re all in hysterics
>“THAT’S SOME RIGHT GOOD BARBIE ISN’T IT M8”
>traumatized for years

he wants to copulate with you.

>be me
>come on 4chinz
>shitstir a FUCKING LEAF
>he doesn't get it and my stirring falls flat
>I end up looking like a complete cunt....

I always thought the Merkins were too fucking literal.

if we get you over to canada will you track him down and sex him?
>for the leafs crimes against ReviewBrah

Don't think my missus'd be up for that.
>the going to Canada bit - not telling if I'd bring more Chinese businesses back with me.

Noight m8.