Best joke thread

checked

oh shit haha

Le ddit jokes in 2005. kys

O

>A kenyan a racist and a muslim walk into a bar
>"what can i get for you mr president?"

>there are 10 kinds of people in this world
>those who understand binary, and those who dont

what about the other 8 you fucking drunk dipshit.

PRAISE

What do you call 2 Irish faggots?

Murphy Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmurphy

PRAISE KEK

A shark on whiskey is mighty risky, a shark on beer is beer engineer

What's the difference between a Ferrari and ten dead babies?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

...

A homosexual, a dick and a spastic walk into a bar
Bartender says [spoiler]Hello, OP[/spoiler]

At the Warsaw ghetto, an old man asked a young Jewish boy: "little boy, if you were the son of Hitler, what would be your greatest wish?"

The boy replied: "to be an orphan."

How do you tell apart a plumber from a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'.

What's the difference between a jew and a boyscout?

A boyscout comes home from camp

Praise be

what a smirker of a joke

Only really works in writing though.

How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Whoa, that's a hardware problem!

He is with us, now and in the debate.

Do you see the forest? No, there's too many trees in the way.

Why do Java programmers hate C programmers?
Because they have no class.
Why do Java programmers need glasses?
Because they don't C#.

What happens if a Jew with an erection walks face first into a wall?

He breaks his nose.

>implying the business stakeholders wouldn't all meet up without any programmers and then go to the development team and tell them to write code to work around the dead bulb instead of replacing it

Why did the Siamese twins move to England?

So the other one could drive.

praise Him

A small plane is flying and the engine starts to fail. The occupants are the pilot, a priest, a lawyer, and two boy scouts.
The pilot notices there is only two parachutes available and says "lets give these to the boy scouts".
The lawyer says "fuck the boy scouts".
The priest says "do we have time"?

Dang that is clever

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but it'll take 3 2-hour appointments at $100/hour and the lightbulb has to WANT to change.

Cred Forums tier thread

tfw Kek will never give you dubs

What's the place with the most Jews? The atmosphere
How do you call 3 niggers on a farm? Good ol' times
How did the Jews escape concentration camps? Through the chimes
How do you call a combination of a nignog and an octopus? I don't know, but it sure as hell is efficient at collecting cotton
Why didn't Annie cry after falling from a bike? The steering bar pierced her lung. Why did she fall? She didn't have hands

You must let him get them THROUGH you

A pedo is carrying an 8yo boy into the woods late one night. Thwe boy screams "No! No! I'm scared! I'm scared!"

The pedo laughs and says "you think you're scared? I've got to walk outta here alone tonight."

Whats the difference between a black man and an elevator?

The elevator can raise a child

Theory is when you know something, but it doesn't work.
Practice is when something works, but you don't know why.
Programmers combine theory and practice: Nothing works and they don't know why.

>racist jokes
I was driving home today and I saw a black guy walking down the street carrying a big TV. I said "OH SHIT, I hope that isn't mine!"

But when I got home it was still there, working on my fields.

>kkk

youtube.com/watch?v=HA7sP47e8tA
youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A

>implying Cred Forums isnt /b 2.0/

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
Momentum.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told that bitch twice.

2 niggers are walking in Jew York and see a couple of Haredi Jews walking the other way. One asks the other "Hey! them guys? Who is they?"
His friend replies "Hasidim".
So the first says "Yeah, I see dem too, but who is they!?"

What's the difference between a naked white woman and a naked black woman?

One is on the cover of Playboy and the other is on the cover of National Geographic.

underrated.

A 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in Poland.
Polish officials have so far retrieved 4000 bodies.

The difference between practice and theory is always larger in practice than it is in theory.

When the black waitress came up to my table I asked her for change for a dollar

She asked why and I said I wanted to leave you a tip

What's better than winning gold in the Special Olympics?

Not being retarded.

lel

But isn't that three 3 in decimal? What about the third person?

lmfao

What's the best tip you can give at a restaurant?

"Gas the kikes. Race war now"

How do you starve a nigger?
Hide his food stamps under his work boots.
Why is a black cop a disgrace to his brothers?
Because he's got a job.

did they have time?

he is with us, praise his name

My wife wanted to get a breast enlargement. So she went to the doctor. He told her to put toikete paper inberween her tits. 'But doctor will this help?' She asked. 'Im not sure ma'am, but look what it done for your ass

Objectively the funniest ITT.

A nigger and a spic are thrown off a tree.
Who hits the ground first?
The spic, because he didn't have a noose tied 'round his neck.

Guessed that no one call you clever instead of your moms, innit eh?

Do you even binary?

128 64 32 16 8 4 2 1
0 0 0 0 0 0 1 0

How the fuck is that 3?

If this post gets dubs I will officially worship KEK as my lord and savior.

What do you call a busload of niggers going over a cliff?
A good start.

Space ghost is dead, familius

Why did Mexico do so poorly in the recent olympic games?
Because any one there who could run, jump, or swim had already crossed the border.
What's Mexico's national sport?
Cross-Country.

Bro decimal is the normal system we use.

3 in decimal is just 3, homie.

What's the difference between a nigger and a piece of shit?

At least in time the piece of shit turns white and stops stinking.

Who is Dr. Worm

Was he thinking of hexadecimal? 0x3? Which isn't even close.

...and if i did, i wouldn't cum on it

Bin -> dec
00 - > 0
01 -> 1
10 -> 2

Why are aspirins white?

Because they work.

How many KGB agents does it take to run an investigation?
3. One to read out the questions, one to write down the answers, and one to keep an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals.

I dont need no dubs

What shampoo does ISIS use?

Shoulders

I'm pretty sure its Dove

I dunno, it would be funnier if it was Behead&Shoulders
I can imagine the ads for it.
>just lop his head off and there will be no dandruff on his black clothes

Shit that is better

What do Jews have in common with paedo gym teachers?

They both start sweating when it's time to hit the showers.

Three construction workers (an Italian, a Mexican, and a guy named Bubba from Mississippi) were sitting on a steel beam at the top of a skyscraper they were building. It was lunchtime. The Italian worker opens his lunch box and sees that he has spaghetti and meatballs. "Son of a bitch", he says, "spaghetti and meatballs again. Everyday it's spaghetti and meatballs. I swear if I get spaghetti and meatballs again tomorrow I'm going to commit suicide by jumping off this building." The Mexican worker opens up his lunch box and sees a taco. "Damnit", he says, "another damn taco, I'm so tired of tacos, If I have to eat a taco again tomorrow I'm going to jump off of this building and commit suicide". The bubba opens his lunch box and sees a bologna sandwich. "Shit!!! another damn bologna sandwich. If I get another bologna sandwich tomorrow, I'm going to jump and kill myself too! Fuck a bologna sandwich!" The next day during lunch, they are sitting on the same steel beam. The Italian worker opens his lunch box and finds spaghetti and meatballs. Without saying a word he closes the box and throws himself off of the beam and drops twenty floors to his death. The Mexican worker opens his box, finds a taco. "¡Ay, caramba" he closes the lunch box and jumps to his death. An Ooey gooey mess was beginning to develop. Bubba opens his box and finds a bologna sandwich... Goddamn it! Well here I come boys. A couple of days later the families of all three workers meet at the cemetery just after the funerals. The Italian worker's wife was crying. "Oh, if only I had known how he felt about the spaghetti and meatballs, I could have fixed him a muffalotta, and he would still be here today. The Mexican worker's wife said "I could have fixed my husband a nachos or an enchilada, and he would be here with me today". There was a moment of silence while everybody was waiting for the Bubba's wife to share her thoughts... "Dang it I just don't get it", she said, "Bubba always made his own lunches."

how did they know lord mountbatten had dandruff?

because they found his head and shoulders on the beach!

May I borrow this?

I tutor this kid in a bridging course for those that didn't take math in high school that are now in uni (it's non compulsory in Australia).

Really basic stuff, multiplication, roots and y=mx+b

He liked all these math pages, engineering circle jerk pages etc etc and likes all the ones about derivatives and logs when he hasn't even learnt them yet.

STEM is just one massive circlejerk.